SOA introspection

All usual disclaimers: Jessica belongs to my friend C. the others belong to their respective owners.

Don't sue me!

xxx

A little bit of Solitude never hurts. it's supposed to be a moment between you and yourself. A moment of introspection as they call it. I never tried to shy away from it. Not when I was at the hospital healing from a forced trip on the stairs. Not when I was held hostage at home by a man who was afraid I would leave you for something better. Not when I hid at Boston, living a crappy life just to keep myself off the grid so he wouldn't find me. Not when my brother took me to Charming and I couldn't seem to fit in this new town.

Alcohol was a friend of mine, however. It kept me company and prevented me from thinking too much, too hard. It made me feel less, almost numbed me to pain and I was fine with it. I could drink on my own, I could fuck up my life behind closed doors and nobody would know. Nobody would care. that was easy. I didn't have to think. I didn't have to be lonely because Alcohol filled my days and nights, my very mind. I didn't need to do some introspection and search deep inside of my heart dead answers and regret.

But then, I Stopped drinking. I got sober and that was the worst part. I started to feel! I felt everything all the time. My senses were acute, my brain was boiling, my heart was bleeding and I kept on aching. I felt everything I have been repressing for so long, well, essentially pain. Pain and fear. fear of new tomorrows, fear of being loved again, PTSD and to add some more, a vicious need to keep it to myself. I killed Hope, every time it crept its ugly head in front of me so I wouldn't even try to be happy again. why the hassle? why waste my time right?

How delusional I was!

Being sober got me stuck with Hope. This is what drives me of course. I hope for a better life. I hope to be happy someday. I hope to form my own version of JJ, find someone who would walk the path with me. Find someone who would see me the way I would see them; I hope that my business will thrive and I would get more money. I hope that I would remain sober. I fucked it up once. I failed. and somehow failure left a nasty taste in my mouth. One year later, I drank again. mind you, it was Cody's anniversary but I couldn't help myself, I had to have Alcohol in my veins. Jax helped me out, took me to their home and tucked me into bed so Jess could find me in the morning and I felt even shittier in front of her.

"I'm sorry Jess. I'm sorry for fucking up." I said, but she didn't condemn or judged. She knew how difficult it was to stay sober so she sat by me and comforted me instead. What did I do to deserve such an angel? what did I do? She just helped me get past the hangover and then I let her take care of me all day and then I decided I would go home so she could enjoy her evening with her family. I felt horrible, deep down. I knew I let her down and all of those who believed in me at the AA meeting. I knew that I would crave the taste of alcohol again and would need to restart a programme. I knew I would want to forget again instead of feeling. So I fled Charming.

I ran away and took the bus so it could drive me back to a bigger city where nobody would know me. it would give me time to think about my shit.. it would give me... what would it give me? I know very well where I am at this point in my life. I a scared. That's what I am. I am scared to be happy and touch the sky only to have it crumble at my feet. I am scared because I don't have it like Jess has. I am not brave, I am not strong enough. I am not....

But I want to be. I realized I didn't want to be on that bus so I turned back on my feet and returned to Charming. This little trip out of town made me realize that I wanted to stay there. I wanted to live in Charming and grow. I wanted to get fucking better because I deserve to be. I have spent so many years of my life trying to please and appease a man who didn't love me but would rather possess me. I spent so many years running away from him and the abuse and the disappointment my life was. I spent years looking past my shoulders and feeding on breadcrumbs of love. I deserve better. I want more. I need more.

so I returned.

(TBC)