How do you live ? How can you live ?
Sometimes she wishes she never existed. She wishes she wasn't there.
She dreams of peeling her skin away, vanishing into thin air.
She dreams of disappearing in a snap of a finger, or having the
Earth crack open to swallow her.
She hopes it could happen fast, faster than the time to sit and think
about her failures.
Faster than trying so desesperately to live in a life that was just
not meant to exist ?
Isn't life the same as existence ?
Sometimes she believes she has taken the place of someone with more
value than her
She believes she's an imposter, a vile usurper who should not have
had the right to breathe
Someone else would have been in her shoes, would have known what to
do with themselves
Someone else would have experienced how it felt to actually be in the
present, live to the fullest
They would have known the difference between living and existing.
Maybe life is an endless suite of pain. Maybe suffering is
existing...
You should be grateful, she would say to herself, at least you can
breathe and you have chances
The sharp knife of self-blaming kept on piercing through her skin,
why was she like this ?
Why wasn't she normal ? Why wasn't she like others whose bright
smiles could make her blind
Nobody cares about your sadness, nobody cares about your illness, get
better soon already ! Try !
Because you surely aren't trying harder enough, see how the others
can bouce back, why not you ?
You should be grateful, you're still breathing, others never had the
chance, she kept telling herself
Maybe there's no real point in all of this, maybe we're just mixing
air for nothing...
It didn't help to think that way, to think it was her fault and think
she was the problem
It only added fuel to the self-hatred. How dared she feel that way ?
How dared she be in pain ?
She didn't know how to express it, so she started to shut herself
down. Keep it to herself
For nobody could handle massive, pure, bleeding pain that never
really got away. They'd leave.
They left ! So she kept it to herself in hopes that somehow, her
thoughts would kill her slowly.
Maybe there's no real point in all of this, maybe we're just born to
die
What would happen if she died ? Nothing she already knew. The
world would be spinning still
She would be (maybe) mourned and then they would return to their
daily lives, be happy, be alive
She would be nothing but a distant memory. They would forget her
face, her voice, her words
She would fade away, slowly but surely, so why not fade away now ?
Why not disappear ?
She sometimes wishes she never existed, less complications, less
problems, less regrets
« Where do you want to go ? »
« Away. »
Away was her answer, always she said so. Most thought she wanted to
escape from the place
She simply wanted to escape from her life, leave it all behind and
fucking die.
Yet she couldn't say it, so she simply came with a sober « Away »
knowing they wouldn't notice
So she went to bed, praying hard to her god and other gods that one
of them could have mercy
and grant her her only wish ever since she could have dreamed
To not be.
To go away
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