A vintage touch: Polly's musing
// Writing to this music: The End of the World - YouTube* Mary is thinking about how Tommy doesn't have the support he needs.
xxxx
War had torn the country in more ways than others. It wasn't just the number of men who didn't come back from the war, it also was the number who came back, changed. Tommy was one of them. A man who was said to be sweet and romantic before he had to go to France. War changed him and after the horrors, he experienced there, he came back a daredevil. He came back with a devouring ambition, with trauma, with a thick skin and high walls that would shield his heart and mind forever. He came back with the desire to protect his family, to go as far as he could, and climb up the ladder of society until he came on top of it. He came back with a death-seeking wish nothing and no one could ever grant him. Tommy simply wouldn't die, no matter how hard he was trying to. So he decided to move forward, to go as far as he could in his pursuit of everything. War had broken this man who could only thrive when he kept going at war against others, including himself. Even today, He was restless, confused, and probably on edge because once again, there was some new light in his life. Her name was Mary Colson.
Grace brought some light into his darkness. She pieced the man back together and gave him some of his humanity back. Suddenly, there was softness. Suddenly, there was a gut-wrenching desire to pursue happiness otherwise than with substance abuse, war, meaningless sex, and turf wars. there was something else those hands of his could do than destroy. He could build a life for himself again. He could seek happiness. He could try. He did try! But no matter how much he wanted it, Tommy simply couldn't be that man. He couldn't be the man who left for France during the First World War. He couldn't have enough of a simple life anymore. He needed more and Grace wouldn't have understood it along the way. Grace, like most people, would want a quiet life. She would want domestic bliss. She would want Tommy to be a man he wasn't anymore and couldn't be again. How could he? when his mind was broken? That was the million dollars question nobody could answer.
The war had torn apart the whole country, for those who didn't die on the battlefield came back traumatized. That was something Mary understood. She understood the pain one felt when one had lost a part of themselves. She understood the emptiness and the despair that choked them up until they do something to change it. She recognized the signs in Tommy's eyes, the signs of a man who had lost everything, even his own will to live, and was just dead-walking. She was dead-walking too when she pushed the door of the Garrison Pub all those years ago. She was dead-walking too, trying to survive a country that wasn't kind to her kin. A country that didn't care about women who could either be raped, beaten up, or killed and sometimes the three at the same time. It was a country that didn't give her a single chance, and this, as soon as she was born. Yet, despite her misfortunes, Mary was still living. Mary was still moving forward and she was still able to enjoy life for all the little pleasures it could give her. She found a family with the Shelbys, a clan with the Peaky Blinders, and connections that would ensure she would never be alone. Wasn't it the greatest revenge of them all? To be alive? To be loved?
Polly believed that Mary was actually what Tommy needed. She was compassionate and empathetic and she understood him in ways others couldn't. She understood that he needed someone with him, someone who could see right through the smoke. She could see Tommy, just like anybody else, needed a shoulder to lean on from time to time. He needed a presence, he needed comfort, he needed someone who wouldn't judge him or his bad deeds. He needed someone true, and authentic and Mary was this. She knew he wasn't a good man, she knew he was in fact, a man who did bad things and who would never stop being a gangster. He was an ambitious man, whose passion was devouring him from the inside. He was a traumatized soldier, who needed someone to understand his pain. He needed someone who would comfort him, make the noise stop, make the nightmares stop, make his shaking hands stop, not by ignoring them, but by acknowledging them.
Mary could. Polly was certain of that. Mary understood what that was, to grow up in a world that didn't want her. She experienced horrors throughout her childhood, yet, still managed to have a good heart. A heart that wasn't tainted by hardships, despair, or desolation. A rare thing, a precious thing. Tommy could use the company of someone who wasn't jaded by life just yet. He could benefit from it, he could perhaps, smile again or dance again, things that he had lost since Grace's death. Mary knew what Tommy was, and the true nature of his business. She knew he was a bad man and she still stayed with him, fully aware of the sins of that man... Of the sins of that family. She still stayed. She still cared for all of them but wasn't ready to admit to herself that she wanted a life with Tommy. She wanted to become officially HIS, to become Mrs. Shelby. She had her reasons and Polly couldn't blame her for being wary about marriage. After all, she was a very young widow. One who was married way too young to a man way older than she was. After all, she had a child who didn't survive the first 30 minutes after his birth. She realized her husband had lied to her and was genuinely just using her to pass his frustrations on. And he had the nerves to be murdered too, adding to her trauma. Could Polly really blame the girl for wanting to feel reassured? No. No, she couldn't.
She couldn't even promise her that Tommy wouldn't try to kill himself again, nor that he wouldn't piss off the wrong enemy, the one who would best him in everything. Polly couldn't even tell Mary not to worry because living with the Shelbys, and marrying into the family, meant that troubles would find you no matter what or how. Tommy was trouble. Tommy was the embodiment of Danger. He would seek a new enemy to go to war against. He would seek release in alcoholic stupors or on drugs. He would seek comfort in her arms and perhaps, open up to Mary like he so desperately needed to. Polly couldn't promise a quiet life to that quiet woman. She could, however, ensure her that Tommy did love her. Polly was fantastic at sensing things and she could feel the feelings her nephew had buried deep inside his heart and refused to let out. Love. Tommy loved Mary and Mary loved Tommy. yet, Tommy wasn't ready. He was still reeling about the death of his first wife. He was still paranoid, still worried that something could happen to Mary because of him. Believe it or not, Tommy carried the weight of the deaths he caused on his shoulders. It affected him all the same, if not more when it was family. SO imagine losing Mary? He would lose the last of his sanity if she died.
So, the Black Stallion was afraid. Fair enough. She couldn't blame Tommy to feel that way. But what about Mary? The poor girl needed to be loved. She had been rejected so many times by so many people. She had been used and abused and while she finally took matters into her hands, and chose /her/ people, she deserved to feel safe. She deserved to feel loved. She deserved a second chance at happiness. A husband, perhaps children..her own house...Something, anything that could make her feel that she belonged somewhere and that people would be waiting for her to come home. Polly wasn't defeated just yet, but she knew, oh she knew that if her nephew and her favorite girl were to get together, they would have to face the enemies of this union. She would have to face people who would be against them being together or even worse. Some might try to go against either of them to get to the other. Polly knew she could see it in the future. Her tarot warned her about future conflicts and an invisible danger that was looming over the family. Yet, it had to happen. They had to be together, Polly would see to it.
-TBC-
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