Vintage touch: Secret Desires

Vintage touch: Secret Desires

// Conversation between Polly and Mary that doesn't resolve around Tommy. However, Polly has several questions regarding Mary, her desires, the type of life she wants to lead, motherhood, and perhaps also the way society would look at her (and Tommy). 

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Polly visited Mary early today. She needed to spend some time with the young woman and see if she needed some help with the Grace Shelby Institute. Mary enjoyed her work as the Head Nun and spent a lot of time ensuring the children (and also the staff) had everything they needed. She made sure to remember the names of the children and to help the nuns prepare for special events -such as museums visits or any other cultural activities, or preparing birthday parties so the children could feel special on that day and associate good memories rather than the fact they were abandoned by their parents the day they were born-. She loved her new job and even took the time to sing to the orphans when she was done with administrative duties. It was good to see and Polly enjoyed sharing a meal with her. Usually, it was Mary who left the orphanage, so she could take a walk and spend lunch at Tommy's office but from time to time, Polly liked to be the one to leave the office and visit the orphanage. Today was such a day. 

As a matter of fact, it also was an excuse she found because she wanted to ask Mary questions about her future. It was obvious to the cunning Polly that something had happened between Tommy and Mary. They had sex! It was obvious given the way they behaved around one another. It was obvious to Polly that they had crossed the line and given into each other and it was obvious that it was the reason that led Lizzie to lose her mind and slap Mary a couple days ago. Polly didn't mention the slap to Mary, mostly because she didn't want to embarrass her and didn't think it was the right moment to bring that up. However, she was seething with anger towards Lizzie for hitting Mary, out of spite and jealousy. It was obvious that Lizzie had realized that she would never get rid of the woman because Tommy got her under his skin. Tommy chose her for reasons that were out of reach for the Stark woman, but it was the reality of the situation. Tommy chose Mary and nobody could or should try to hurt her unless they wanted Tommy to tear a new hole into their bodies. 

"I've got a question for you, Mary." -She lifted a brow as Mary looked up at her. "Several... questions."

"It's lunch. I have time. Go ahead, Polls...What is it that you want to know?"

"Have you ever tried to find your birth mother?" -The question made the young woman blink and she leaned into her seat. Her birth mother? The woman who had left her in the orphanage? Why would she try to find her? what would she tell her 30 years later? Her eyes grew wide and she moistened her lips. Her throat was too dry to speak, so Mary shook her head- "No? not even once?"

"I-- Have wondered for years why she left me behind. The nurses told me the truth. She was a rich white girl who got pregnant by a black man. I was a disgrace. It was a shameful act to hide. Once I was old enough to really understand what those words meant, I stopped trying to look out for her. She left me, not because she was too young to be with a child, or because she wasn't married when she got pregnant. It was because of my blood. My father's blood." -She took a deep breath and looked up to the ceiling.- "You are my mom, Polls...the closest I would ever have... I don't want to know who the woman who gave me birth is! I don't give a fuck about her. I give a fuck about you." -Her voice broke at this instant as emotions overwhelmed her.-

Polly listened to her, her blue eyes slowly wet from the tears she refused to share. It was heartbreaking, to see Mary so vulnerable, yet so honest with her. She had every right to not want to know who her birth mother was and Polly would have been fine with this answer if the existence of that woman wouldn't become a problem down the road. Tommy researched Mary's past and was unknown to her, he also had her followed by Peaky boys, so she wouldn't get kidnapped or hurt by anyone when he wasn't around. He knew Mary wouldn't like that protection, because she would feel trapped, but he didn't want to take any chance of her being hurt because she was seeing him. 

Tommy searched Mary's past and was able to discover the truth about her birth. He had everything in a file and shared some of the information he gathered with Polly. She would have kept her mouth shut if concerning news hadn't come. A couple of weeks ago, the Peaky boys who protected Mary found two suspicious men who had been following Mary. After a beat-up, the men revealed that they didn't want to hurt Mary but wanted to know what her life was on behalf of her mother. After some rough interrogation, it became clear that Mary's biological mother sent them after her to locate Mary and investigate her to report on their employer. The Peaky summoned Arthur who requested the men to be locked in a warehouse and fetch Tommy so he could decide what to do with these people. 

Once it was established that they weren't dangerous and were indeed just detectives, Tommy decided to give them an ultimatum: Either they cooperated and do everything Tommy ordered them to do, or they die for defiance. They chose to cooperate and revealed that Mary's mother was trying to gather as much information as she could on Mary, so she could avoid a scandal. She came from a prestigious family and because she was set up to marry for the second time-a prominent political figure, an MP sharing the meeting room with Tommy Shelby- she had to make sure she had no skeleton left in her closet. Her first daughter had to be found. What Tommy understood, however, was that down the line, this woman might actually try to hurt her daughter to protect her second wedding. He offered the men to stop investigating Mary and to work for him instead and gather as much information as they could about her mother. 

"What if... What if I told you that we know who she is and we know she's alive and lives in London?"

"I don't want to know, Polls. What good would that do to me?? SHe left me behind because she wanted a cozy life unburdened by a child of color. I am a black child after all. How could she possibly welcome me? eh? How could she? I have nothing to say to her, nothing because she's not my mother. You are... /you/ Polls... You are the closest of a mother I'll ever have. So please... please... Don't talk to me about her. I don't wanna know." -She wiped some tears and tapped her fingers on the table. 

Polly was moved and relieved that Mary didn't want to know the truth about her mother. Regardless of what that woman might want to do in the future, as long as she doesn't build a rapport with her daughter, it was a difficulty they wouldn't have to deal with in the future. Polly wiped her tears and gave a warm smile to the young woman. She outstretched her arm to grab her hand and stroke it with her thumb. Mary tried to calm down, but she only managed to cry some more. Fuck those tears! where did they come from? It bothered Mary to be crying at lunch, right after they had one of the biggest laughter together. She rolled her eyes and squeezed Polly's hand a little tighter. 

"You said you had several questions... Please, go ahead and ask them." -She begged, refusing to stay in the conversation about her birth mother. Polly got herself together and straightened on her chair.-

"Yes! I. I actually wanted to know... I just..." -She paused- "You are 30, right, Mary? This is very young. Your life has just begun. I know you.."

"I've never seen you hesitate before you ask me a question. It must be something /really/ difficult to get off of your chest." -Intrigued Mary bent a little forward and planted her fork onto her meal.- "So. I'm young, eh? I have my life in front of me, eh? So what... you want to know if I'm ready to get married? Have kids?"

"Smart girl, yes. that was the question I wanted to ask. It's... a big one! You don't have to answer, but I had to ask it. See how you saw your future."

"I'm afraid, Polly. I'm afraid to trust someone to the point of giving them my heart. Carter was an old bastard. He saw the child I was and he decided to abuse my trust before he abused my body.  I married a monster, but you know what that means, don't you?" -Polly nodded and squeezed Mary's hand harder- "I don't know if I could become a good mom. My little Paul... he died because of me...I know he did. So..I-I don't know if I would be a good mom.."

"You are going to be a wonderful mom. Look at how you're taking care of all those orphans and of Charlie. You are a good mom. And by the sound of your voice, I can tell that you want to have another child. You want to try it again." -She smiled at Mary who shrugged and put her fork down.- "What are you afraid of? The father of your kids?"

"Polly...If I were to have a child, I would be married first. I would be married to a man who loves me and who isn't afraid to show it to me. I would trust him with my whole life and I would proudly carry his child. What bothers me, is that, if the father is not a black man.." -She carefully picked her words- "Then he would have to suffer from being ridiculed because he chose me. I can't... become a burden for him."

"Listen to me carefully. Mary, If I am your mother, then You are my daughter! I will never allow anyone to disrespect you. I will never accept to hear, or see any discrimination against you. I will never let them hurt you because of the color of your skin, the features you have, or whatever bullshit they can target you with. You are part of this family. Regardless of what you decide to do, or who you decide to marry, you will always have a home here, with us. With me!" -Mary's eyes grew wide and she covered her mouth with her warm palm so she could sob into it. Her eyes quickly filled with tears she let roll down her cheeks.- "I understand that you actually want a family. You want to get married. You want to have children. You want a second chance at life, don't you?" - Mary nodded and moistened her lips.- "Then you will bloody have it! You will! Don't even think you won't!"

"Polls... I don't... I mean...You really woke up early and chose violence as I see." -She tried to lighten up the mood but it barely worked. instead, the young woman was left wiping the tears off of her face.- "How long have you been thinking about it?"

"Long enough. I just needed to make sure that you were not sacrificing anything to make other people happy. It's good to remind ourselves about our goals."

"I am not... I am not doing that." She blushed and moistened her lips. Mary could tell that Polly was walking on eggs. She didn't want to mention Tommy, not when Mary was upset like that. However, she clearly understood that Polly wanted to know if she wanted to build a life with Tommy and what kind of life she wanted for them.- "I do want the happiness of my future spouse, and mine. He can do whatever he wants to do, who am I to judge, eh? However, I hope he would be faithful to me. I hope, he would think about me when I am not here. I hope.. he would give me his heart to keep just like I would give him my heart to keep. I just want to be loved, Polls... is it asking too much?" -She asked, wiping fresh tears off of her face and sitting straighter on her chair. 

"No. It's understandable. You say that your future husband could do whatever he wants to. Are you sure you're ready to commit to these words? Today, everybody is a whore, a gangster, a killer. Fucking businessmen are killers, and MPs are killers.. everyone has blood on their hands. Today it's all about killing first or being the one killed. Your hands are clean."

"But they can get soaked with blood if the need arises. Don't think for a second, that I would not be able to kill a man if that means I can protect myself or my loved ones. I am not as helpless as I used to be. I learned how to use a gun, and how to use a blade. I learned since the last time I was attacked."

"I know. It's good to hear." Polly rubbed her hands together before she grabbed her bag and took a cigarette from it. She lit it up and inhaled some smoke. "Come on, Dry your tears, Mary! I hate when you cry, you're going to make me cry too." -She complained before she released Mary's hand and wiped the tears that had run onto her cheeks.- "Lizzie... she shouldn't have done what she did to you. She knows it, we know it, apologized and Tommy handled her. She'll stay around, she's a trusted secretary. Are you okay with seeing her?"

"Lizzie... Well... to answer you, I am okay with it. I don't mind Lizzie. She is in love with Tommy. I can understand the passion and I know that to her, I'm a stranger who stole her life. I pity her, Really... She is looking at the wrong person. She's looking for a Tommy who doesn't exist."

Polly took a minute to consider the words Mary said.  She was right, essentially right in the fact that Lizzie didn't see Tommy for who he really was. She projected her desires onto him, her desire for a clean slate and a better life. Her desire for having someone who knew her and accepted all of her. She wished Tommy cared for her, at a deeper level like he cared for Grace but he only had empathy and compassion for Lizzie. friendship at the very best, but definitely not love. Mary had a speech that Polly had not heard from others. She encouraged her to keep talking, blowing the smoke out before she took another puff. 

"And who is Tommy, Mary? Do you know who he is?"

"No. I don't. Tommy is like a black stallion, Polls. He can't be tamed, and shouldn't be. Black stallions thrive best when they are free. I might not have been on the battlefield, but I do know what it is to have flashbacks of traumatic events hit back at you as if you were living the moment again... and again.. and again.  I do know how it feels to be trapped, to live in a world that hates your guts and wants to see you dead. Tommy...is complex to grasp, not complicated, just complex because he doesn't give the keys to understand him fully. He still protects himself because I assume, he doesn't want to suffer anymore. He wants to be in control of everything. He wants to be the man on top so he wouldn't be the soldier at the bottom anymore. but what I see, when I look into his eyes at night. What I see is a broken man. What I see, is a man in pain. A soul looking for comfort. For peace. for reassurance.  Just like Black stallions, and horses in general, he can't be alone, Polls. He can't be alone. He needs you. He needs his brothers. He needs his family. He needs you. He needs love. I might not have a lot to give, but as long as I live in his house, I will give both Charlie and him all the love in the world." -She blushed and bit her bottom lip. She wasn't upset anymore and didn't realize the full impact of her words on Polly nor what it revealed to the older woman. -

"I see. You really spent time studying Tommy." -Polly chuckled a little, moved by the words the young woman just said to her. Mary loved Tommy. It was plain as day. Of course, she loved that man.- "I guess that I have all the answers I was looking for. For now. Maybe we should be moving forward and focusing on something else instead? Something a little more pleasant to talk about?"

"Yeah?"

"Yeah... Let me know, what exactly do you have planned for the children for summer."

And Mary started to tell her about what she had decided to do for the kids. It helped warm up the atmosphere and they relaxed against their chairs. Mary was happy that Polly asked her questions about how she felt about Tommy and about what could make her comfortable. Polly was perhaps, one of the very few women who actually cared about her. She had a family. She /WAS/ family. Polly really wanted to make her realize just how important she was for the family and not just because of Tommy. She established actual connections with all of them and it couldn't be brushed under the rug to simply focus on Tommy. She was family and it was damn time that she saw the truth as it was. 

-TBC-