got (modern): I lost him to find you

got (modern): I lost him to find you

// Bäahal is still reeling from her past relationship with Elias. His upcoming wedding has made the news. She wishes she could meet him while holding Jaime's arm but she knows it's never going to happen. She's talking to Jaime when he's sleeping. 

xxx

"Hey Jaime, are you sleeping? I can't seem to find my sleep. I will talk to you instead. I bumped into my ex a couple of days ago. I didn't anticipate seeing him after he left me. Elias, heir of a dornish mogul, the former love of my life. He broke my heart, you know? You have to know, it was plastered all over the newspapers and tabloids for months. They relished in the sight of a distraught Targaryen and they made sure to always bring him into the conversations. Always. I don't know how I endured it without losing my mind. I guess that my family trained me for a moment like this one. I could have lost it, you know? my mind? One minute I was the most beautiful person he's ever seen. I was the love of his life. I made plans with him you know? I wanted to marry him. I wanted to carry his children. I wanted so many things, that never got to be because he left me. 

It was so sudden, Jaime. One day I was the love of his life and the other he just vanished with a note telling me that he didn't love me and never did. how could I trust people after that? how could I recover from such a blow? He hurt me. He broke my heart and I've never felt so unworthy of being loved than when he left me. I was convinced that nobody could ever love me. My dad tried his best to give me hope after my mom died, but he failed. My family hated me. the one brother who came around ended up dying in an accident. I was supposed to be alone. I was supposed to be. I thought I had toughened up, you know? before I met you? I had made progress. I was ready to devour the world. I went to parties, and I focused on dancing. I focused on charity work. I lost myself at work. It was better this way. My sister would respect me if she wasn't able to love me. Tabloids got bored after a while. Then I met you. 

I fell in love with you, as easy as it was to breathe. I just didn't plan on falling in love yet I did.  I fell in love with you. How sweet it is. I thought my heart was lost forever, broken into pieces by what Elias did. I'm glad I was wrong. I'm glad that Elias didn't take all the love I had left inside of me. I thought the whole thing was behind me and somehow it is. I don't love him anymore. I don't care about him anymore. However,  it hurt when I read the newspaper and it talked about his upcoming wedding to a westerosi. He dumped me telling me that he couldn't marry a Westerosi, only for him, to do it years later! Make it make sense! Ahah! Make it make sense because I definitely can't.  Reading the news truly opened wounds I thought were closed for good. 

Seeing him was worse. As long as it was a picture in a magazine or internet newspaper, I could stomach the sight of him. What I didn't expect, however, was to bump into him. To hear him talk to me, to see his fucking face. Jaime, I was petrified because all of a sudden, I wasn't your firecracker, I was just the young girl who was in love with a scumbag who broke her heart. He seemed confused, he tried to tell me about his new wife. He was half-apologizing and half-bragging about his life without me. I wanted to slap his fucking face. I wanted to scream at him that I hated him for what he did! that he was a coward for not having been honest with me. I wanted to tell him that I found better than him. You are better than him, no doubt here. you are better, not just because you're hotter, richer, or even more charismatic. You're better than him because you're honest with me. You're better than him because you're not afraid to be with me. And you've welcomed me, all of me. He never could.  he pretended. he was good at it. 

Then I realized that I didn't need to shove into his face that I was seeing you. I didn't need it to keep my dignity. to show that I had moved on. I simply shrugged, congratulated him, and told him that I was happy he was out of my life because I was finally at peace. I even thanked him for showing me his true face, because then, I was able to move on. I was able to have a better life as soon as I realized that he wasn't shit. yeah. He ain't shit, you and I both know it. If he really was the real deal, he wouldn't have left me. And, if he left me, he would have done it so, with much more gusto than what he did. He was so confused, if only you could have seen his face. he didn't understand how I could stand tall and not really give a fuck about him. Why would I? mmmm? why would I, when I got you? Why would I waste my time? when you're here. come on. I lost him, but it wasn't really a loss. He set me free, so I could find you. So we could be together. In a way, leaving me was a gift he gave me. 

All I'm saying is that I am madly in love with you, Jaime. I want a life with you. I want to have your kids. I want to marry you. I want everything with you. It's probably too early for you to hear that, which is why I'm glad you're sleeping. But this is what I feel. I want to be your firecracker forever. If you'd want me. Now.. let's try to sleep again. We'll talk in the morning."