got: Away, where the pasture is greener

got: Away, where the pasture is greener

 // Just a little musing from my little princess. It's yet another take on the "longing" she's been experiencing regarding Jaime Lannister. It's a slow-burn, we've been writing them since 2018 and they only just now, confessed their love for each other XD 

xxxxxx

"I used to think that life would be better for me should no one ever touch me again. I was used to seeing how cruel the world was. How easy it was to break an individual and turn them into nothing but property. I was not a person for my masters. I was a tool. I was either used to giving pleasure or used to take lives but I never got to choose for myself. I used to be disgusted by men. I refused to let them touch me because most of the time, they have been brutal with me. They have never considered my humanity. I was but the Jewel of Astapor. I was but a slave for them. I was but as used and abused as they liked. It took a while before I even considered men to be different. 

It happened rather quickly. Tyrion was actually the first man to ever show me respect. We started on the wrong foot because he was scared I would try to dethrone my sister. He needed to be sure that I would be loyal. Fair enough. He still showed me respect, something the others never bothered to do. I realized that I could trust men. Jon was the second man, I trusted. Unlike Tyrion who I often doubted -probably because he is a cunning and clever man-, I trusted Jon right away. His eyes were honest. He was genuine. He showed genuine care for my sister and for his family. He didn't treat me like I was some sort of burden or monster or jewel. I was just Bäahal, the queen's sister. 

I guess Jaime really changed everything. I respected him from the moment we met. He came when everyone around him abandoned us and mankind. He came because he was a man of honor and we fought side by side against the Night King. He pulled me out of my funk and made me realize that I had a life to live. He cared enough for me back then, to want me to survive. Jaime never treated me as less than a person. I admired his bravery. I admired his dedication to his family. He was a man ruled by his instincts and emotions. He was a man who made mistakes. He was a man who was able to lose everything if that meant saving people he loved. Yes, he killed my dad, but at the same time, he saved a whole city. Jaime never was the "kingslayer" for me. He had always been Jaime.

I guess we got closer. I fell in love with him, just like that. I can't explain why my heart chose Jaime Lannister and I honestly don't want to know why. What I do know, is that we both have been patient. It's taken years. It's taken us months of longing and crying, and desperately trying to forget about the other. It's taken us a lot of sacrifices because we can't be together until my sister blesses our union. Do you realize just how difficult that is? We swore to do things right. We swore to never give in to each other until we got our blessings. We got them from his side of the family but he still doesn't have them from my side. He doesn't have the queen's approval for such a union. so we don't touch. We don't kiss. We don't claim our love for one another in public. it hurts... 

It's even more difficult because I am now craving his touch. I am craving that man. Who would have thought? Not me! I never thought I would want to have a man hold me, kiss me. I never thought I would want to feel his kisses on my skin, to feel him explore and discover my body the way I want Jaime too. Have you ever felt it? the desire to become one with the person you love? the desire to feel their sex, to hear their moans, to make them lose their minds? Have you ever felt the need to moan their names? or have you ever spent nights touching yourself and dreaming that it is them touching you? I have. I have. I fucking have. I want to become Jaime's lover. I want to become his...And when he left? when he left with Jon? I couldn't fucking tell him that I was in love with him. I had to let him go without saying the words. That fucking hurt. The silver lining in this is that we found ways to express our love for each other. we found ways but I'm tired of finding ways. I just want to be with him without restraint. I just want it."