Doya : Girlfriend

A/N: WELP, yes, of course, she said that word, twice actually and is now worried that it might not be received very well by Dean. All usual disclaimer!

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« It's official. I guess? I don't know. I just know that yesterday the words slipped off of my lips when we were together. It happened twice actually. The first time, I made up an imaginary girlfriend and ended up feeling jealous. While he was teasing me, I ended up saying that he didn't honestly think of having another girlfriend! Another one? I realized that I was already considering myself to be his girlfriend but I moved forward, not willing to face any consequence of me saying this word. Dean didn't say anything and at the moment, I thought I was quite lucky he didn't. But then, it became a source of anxiety the morning after. I said it twice like I told you, second time was right during a love-making session. We took a break and I took the time to look at him and think about how lucky I was to be with him. And then I just said the words again. This time clearly. I told him I was lucky to be his girlfriend. It came naturally to me as if it was obvious because it kinda is right? We're together. He's with me. He told me so. I told him so.

But he didn't say anything. At the moment, we were in the middle of a business so it didn't bother me. But this morning it does. It does bother me that he didn't say anything. Not in the way you might think though. I don't mind if he doesn't tell me he's my boyfriend. I'm afraid that he thinks I'm going too fast and he ends up feeling uncomfortable. I don't want him to feel that way. I don't want to freak out to be with me. I went fast, I know I did but how harmful could that be to state that I am in love with him and I feel like we belong to each other? That I want to be exclusive with him and I fully consider being with him seriously? Dean is my endgame, that's what I am saying. I don't mind if we don't label each other so long as I can stay with him and hunt with him. I don't mind if I'm just his work-wife, his partner, his friend. I just want to be with him alright? But here's the trick. I already told him I was his girlfriend because I felt like it. I still feel like it. I AM his girlfriend but what does that even mean? To whom I'm going to say that? Does it really matter?

It doesn't really matter like I said. It's not changing our relationship now does it? It's a shorthand word I would gladly use to express how I feel but that's not mandatory. If anything, it even scares me to use it because that means, it's for real and that what I am sharing with Dean is real, palatable and if it is, then it can go away. Yeah, I'm a weird one I know that. I feel like it, but saying it is different. Saying it means it can go away. I could be his girlfriend, say he calls me that, one day and then the other day he would be gone. Not dead, but gone. He would get tired of my ass and next thing I know is that he's gone. Truth be told, this is what scares me the most. Not that he would himself be scared of me calling him my boyfriend, but of our relationship to end. I already know that while I would keep on doing my job -and really nicely so-, I would feel empty.

I let him take so much space in my heart that I can't think of anyone else to replace him if he let me go. I can't think of a bright future if he's not in it. I can't picture myself happy without him. I know I would find a way to keep on moving, but my life would be dull, empty and grey if he wasn't in there. I already know that. I can't have him leave me but I can't force feelings on him and if someday he decides that it's better to keep going without me. I would first fight to keep him with me but if it hurts him more than anything else, I would leave. I would leave.. it would metaphorically kill me but I would leave.

To quote Dean, we didn't ask for someone to get inside our hearts. We didn't plan on letting someone in and yet here we are, in each other's hearts and minds. Here we are, in love like two idiots who feel too grateful to finally receive something. Here we are.. clumsy and worried and scared. Fuck. I love him! It's so weird to be in love. So weird because I can't help but just want to make him feel good, make sure he's not acting like a fool, make sure he comes home to me. Make sure he's happy. That's all I really want and I guess that's what a girlfriend/ partner/ significant other and however you want to call us do right? We make sure the other is pushed towards greatness, all the while feeling good about themselves right? I'll always make sure he's the best at what he does -hunting then- while taking care of too -and loved because frankly, he hasn't been- all the while... taking care of myself too.

He won't get tired of me, right? He won't ditch his girlfriend if I act stupid right? He won't look for someone else? I'm not going to disgust him of dating again? Sam knows I'm sure he already knows what's going on. He hasn't said anything yet, but he seems to be approving of us. Good. Castiel knows too when we call each other during my solo hunts, he always mentions Dean and makes a quick comment about us two. He knows... So really, why am I being so worked up about then? Well, isn't it obvious? I flip my shit because I worry Dean might not take it very well. The whole « I'm your girlfriend and you're my boyfriend » thing. It's silly to think as such because if he really had a problem, he would not have kept doing what we did. He wouldn't have said right after I said it, « I'm lucky. » he wouldn't. I guess I am just very nervous about dating him that's all and I want to be sure that...that he won't turn his back on me when it would become very tough. That's all.

(TBC)