something on my head :/

I really tried to write something to empty the overwhelming emotions of tonight. But I can't. I really can't. It's hard to explain this feeling of uselessness, emptiness and the self-hate when seemingly you have everything. You feel even less compelled to talk because you feel you shouldn't say a word since others suffer more than you. it's not a competition, but you often tend to call your issues petty or meaningless in regard of your friends/family/even stranger's suffering. You feel like you're petty when you dare say what's wrong or that you're not okay. I'm not. I know what triggered this is "and I quote myself" very petty. but yes, to deeply love someone who (and I believe it) gets off by manipulating your feelings to stroke his ego is triggering. I might regret this statement tomorrow but I really feel like I'm being mocked and used and played with... while all I gave was genuine feelings that won't quit. It's petty, that I know and I despise myself for feeling so hurt tonight because of this. I'm not the only one to feel this way and I am struggling every day with it. some days, I really feel great and excited but it vanishes quickly. it's like.. nothing is meant to last or it's because you feel you don't deserve it. and it strangles you every day and you don't want to wake up.

but I have been raised by wonderful parents and taught to fight and keep going no matter what. I have been taught to find ways to express myself even when I'm not physically "talking".Roleplay does help, writing or drawing does help but when all is blocked.. (like art block or lack of time) how could I cope with it? Yet tonight, I cannot find a way. It's suffocating and tiresome. I will try to follow advice and focus on what's great about waking up and go to my internship while every step I make I wonder if I'll be able to solve issues and make sure my family is safe 'money-wise' once I'm done with this expensive education. that's the thing, I will and can't give up on anything but everyday feels more and more like a burden to me, like a never-ending hell with small bits of pleasant moments. maybe that's what life is about, maybe not for everyone but just for me.

I am working on my issues though, one at a time and while I did progress on some of them, I still cannot get over a couple of them...to the point I just want everything to end. How many times did I contemplate the knife while I was cooking or the meds while I was sitting on my laptop? I pray every day not to make that mistake because I can't bear the idea of causing so much pain to my family and friends but somedays, it does look like a great idea.. like a way to ease the pain. yeah.. but how sweet would life be for those around me, not to have me anymore? what will it change really?

I am not looking for pity or attention. I just truly need to spit those words and maybe sleep better at night. I am really sorry if sometimes I come off as rude or cold. I do care about you...I do try to move away from my issues to deal with the world, but tonight.. and maybe sometimes.. I simply want to quit... everything.. my body, my mind... everything and rest.

I am sorry if I come up as negative because it's not really what I am looking for. but when I realize that hundreds of unfinished stories deal with death and other macabre topics, that I keep on writing about sacrifice and suicide. I think it's just time to take a step back and admit I'm not doing really well. I'm doing my best not to act ugly and I'm not saying you shall forgive me when I do, but it could happen and I'm sorry for this.

tomorrow I might even forget I posted it. I just know I have to. I just need that little selfish moment where I can't scream out loud like I so badly want to but at least type what's in my soul. it's TMI but you don't even have to read.. you don't have to notice me. I just know this will be off my chest once I post it.

Thank you.

random thoughts

This it it. I call it my tragic face. I love to think that nobody would realize how bad they have hurt me if I make that face. See, it's all about intensity in the gaze. I try to convey as much emotion as I can in my eyes, letting them know how much I hate them for making me feel so helpless yet I stay regal. I chin up, my lips don't tremble. They are stiff in order to show them the disdain or the... distance I put between us.

But who am I really kidding? I try to convince everyone that my heart has not been shattered inside but I can't even convince myself that I am okay. Yet I still serve this face to anyone, because I am too proud to eventually let them know.. too blind to eventually notice, too weak to actually face it.

xxxx

..She thought it would be easy to pretend. Smiling and being polite was one thing, but none of the x-men bought her shenanigans. Asma was restless, emotionally tired and on top of all, she felt vulnerable. Too proud to speak of it out loud and scared to become a burden to her friends, she barely confessed her feelings to them. Tonight, they tried to trick her into talking to them but it turned into... a disaster. She wasn't able to say a word, she blamed herself for that but they didn't insist much. 

As usual, the idea would sink in, she knew they were there for her, they were her family. Why did she keep this habit of suffering on her own? Why couldn't she trust herself and why couldn't she give a chance to their bond? They loved her, they cared.

Once in her room, she ran her hand through her pink (yes pink) locks and tried to reason with her sick mind. Stop being so anxious, don't let it eat you up! They are here for you, take the chance! grab their friendly hand! tilting her head to the side, convinced that the best thing she could do was to actually talk to them, she pushed the door open and set herself free from her mental prison.

They were her friends, her family

xxx

...This isn’t me. This isn’t right. I can’t marry him now... It’s too early, I’m not ready

She ran away from the x-mansion, ran away from this wedding she felt was making her suffocate. Fear was overwhelming her, consuming her at this exact moment. Wasn’t a wedding what she wanted? Wasn’t marrying Steve her greatest “dream”? A dream? Listen to you speak as if you were one of these carefree human gir...ls. You dream bigger, bigger than yourself. You dream of a relative peace between humans and mutants, of a chance to live a normal life… but wasn’t all of it an illusion? She was scared, as simple as it sounded; she really was scared of the next chapter. Happiness was simply a grasp away from her but Asma couldn’t accept it. She didn’t know if she should. She softly rubbed her belly which would never bear any of his children. It was the price she had to pay to possess such a power. What if Steve wanted children? They never spoke of it. She didn’t know anymore. Don’t you deserve to be happy Asma? For once, accept you could also be happy! Asma knew it was about time, that the worst was behind them. They have been separated; they have hurt each other already. She died twice. What ELSE could have parted them away? What ELSE was she scared of? If it wasn’t for a gentle hand that squeezed her shoulder kindly, she would have melted away, drowned in her dark pool of thoughts and overwhelmed with anxiety. If it wasn’t for that friendly touch, she would have run away definitely. But that simple touch, the one from a loving hand helped her put herself together and banish away the paralyzing thoughts that tried to cripple her body with anguish and fear. Her head rested against the strong shoulders of her best friend, and she knew that she could breathe again. No more clouds in the sky, the perfect blue was blinding her with light.

What an idiot…I was born ready…I can do it. I will