Live

To the little voices in your head telling you that you can't do it. 

To the naysayers who constantly put you down. 

To the bullies who claim you would amount to nothing. 

Prove them wrong, babe! 

There will always be those who want to sow chaos in your soul, 

Those will mock and deride you, 

Those who will take every opportunity to break your spirit, 

Those too afraid to do the thing you do and would rather you tow in line. 

Prove them wrong, babe! 

Even if you end up failing, because we can't predict the future. 

Even if you end up switching gears and changing careers, 

Even if your actions would only bear fruit once you're gone, 

Prove them wrong, babe!  

We only have this life, we only know this life, and if there is something I can only wish for us, it's to do what we wanted to do so we can depart without regrets.

Because we can say: "I did it. I wanted to do it, so I did!" 

Because we can say: "I lived my life to the fullest. I rose, and I fell, but I lived!"

So prove them wrong, babe! 

Live!

We don't have it all figured out.

Tale as old as time,

Especially for the high-functioning individuals like us. (One could argue that high-functioning doesn't exist and is merely hyper-performative behaviour disguised as High-functioning. But I digress. )

That sweet spot between the desire to handle everything by ourselves because we don't want to burden others with our issues and troubles, AND the desire to openly talk about our pain and show our wounds to our loved ones, is a nightmare.

Because we want and need help, but we can't bring ourselves to ask for it because we don't want to hurt others. We don't want to burden them with our anxiety or our depression or whatever mental ailment we're carrying. We don't want them to worry about us, because we know what they're going through, and we think that adding to the pile of concerns would hurt them more.

So we keep to ourselves.

We soldier on.

We pretend and we go on autopilot.

We learn and read and try to understand what's plaguing us, and sometimes we become too well-versed in psychology, things become so clear in our minds that we believe we've mastered it. We understand, so of course, we can fix it. But it's false. We don't understand shit. We don't control shit. What it does, however, is hinder our ability to receive help and, even more so, to ask for it.

I researched, read, did a lot of work on myself, and thought I had it figured out. I mean, I understood my suicidal tendencies, right? I understood my anxiety and depression, and that diagnosis still dangling on top of my head, but never truly confirmed because I don't follow their textbook. I thought I had it under control, and I even managed to fool my therapist and myself for a while, thinking I had everything under control.

But I didn't. I was masking.

I tried to harm myself, almost mind-absently. I was caught off guard. I realized that I had relapsed into my old habits. I compartmentalized and ignored the pain and the stress I was feeling, and one single snap was enough to undo a lot of progress. One single snap was enough to almost get me.

My partner was here, and I am grateful it happened when he was there. He found the right words, the right key to the door I put between my deepest feelings and myself.

I needed help.

I didn't have it all figured out.

No one ever does, and no one ever should.

It humbled me. I went to talk to my therapist about it, and finally, we started to explore those emotions I kept bottled up inside me. Finally, I was made comfortable enough to share my burden, to ask for help, and to be willing to receive it.

This sentence, written in the picture I posted, is advice I should have applied to myself. It is one, I still try to keep in mind when dealing with others. It is also one I hope others would also follow for themselves.

Don't assume that because you feel like you have it all figured out, you don't need help. That you can't ask for it or that you can't receive it.

There is no shame in needing help.

No shame in asking for it.

No shame in receiving it.

After all, that's also what makes us human.

The end of 2023

The end of 2023

 How to define 2023?

As usual, the wonderful art (and tradition) by the wonderful artist Lelia.  I fell in love with her art in 2011 and as soon as she started this tradition, I just embraced it all together :D  With this, of course, I always attached a little reflection on the year that passed and wishes for the year to come. 

Complex. Intense. Fulfilling...

I will start by wishing you the best holiday season to all of you.  I know that the year has been quite intense for some of you, quite fulfilling for others, and quite exciting as well. I can only hope that 2024 would sort things out in a positive way. I can only hope that you will keep on exploring and experimenting. I can only hope that you will keep on taking care of yourselves, your needs, your dreams, and your desires and for those who couldn't rest this year, I can wish you all the rest possible. I know it's a bit cheesy, but I really want you to have a better 2024, far better than 2023, and be much happier. 

Late 2021 my father was diagnosed with a kidney cancer. My sisters and I managed to make him travel to France in order to have his tumor taken care of. Late 2021 -all of 2022 and the beginning of 2023 have been draining. My dad almost died several times, we were under pressure, my anxiety and depression were through the roof. Things were bleak for me, truly they were. Being the primary caretaker of my dad took its toll on my family. I lost my friend Colleen to cancer as well and it took me about a year to finally accept that she was gone and we would never write to each other anymore.  Then late 2022, we learned that my twin sister had cancer as well. I honestly thought that my world was crumbling. It took me a while, and a lot of support from family, friends, my therapist and Antoine in order to keep me standing because I was overwhelmed with everything but I still pulled up for my dad and twin. I still did my best to help them. 

The year had not just been challenging. I count my blessings because I was able to have a very intense and positive year at a very personal level. I am still deeply in love with my partner. He is so awesome, such a great friend, a darling, a funny guy who always makes me laugh. We have a lot of fun together and we've traveled a lot this year. I've been to Japan! I've been to Pragues, in the UK and I've been able to discover new places and meet new people (and old friends). I'm so happy about my book because the editing is still going well :D I was able to strengthen my friendships and end those that were toxic to me, and this year I saw the benefits of surroundering myself with people who only want the best for me. Thank you darlings. Thank you so much for everything. I felt privileged to share my friends' important moments and to be a friend to them to my best abilities.  I was able to meet new people, broaden my cycle of friends, to grow more comfortable in my skin. I still continue my therapy, still, take care of my mental health and still fuel my creativity.  

It's been a really good year and I really loved it. I can only wish that the year to come, would top it off or be even better. 

I really hope that you will have a wonderful end of the year and that 20234would treat you better. 

May

Growing old

You know, I used to believe that gray hair was something to be ashamed of and to try and hide. Everywhere I looked, it was seen as something to avoid at all costs, the same with wrinkles, the same with any sign of you growing older. I was made to think that the best years of my life would be before I reached 30 so I dreaded turning 30. I thought that if I didn't have my life figured out by then, I would have missed everything and would have failed at life. 

I'll turn 35 in a couple of months and frankly... All of those worries are bullshit to me. I have gray hair, and I kinda like it, I even joke about turning into Storm (although it'll take some time before I get there) because I like these. I know it's the stress causing my hair to turn grey but I decided to welcome the change. (not gonna lie, that took some work. the first gray hair had me crying over it for a while).  I'm at that age where I'm living my best life -so to speak- and doing things I would never even dream of when I was younger. 

I have met amazing women, all in their 40s who are kicking ass and taking names! Therapy, medication and a great support system help(ed) me get into a better mental space and I have learned to sever toxic ties and start to put myself first. Getting older is not a dread anymore, because aside from my desire to go to bed earlier, to be tucked in my bed by 10, to avoid nightclubs because I don't see the appeal anymore, and to try new things, it's not a punishment. Is it? Getting older means knowing yourself better and if anything, I like the person I am now compared to the one I used to be. I love the friends I have now and the opportunities I can welcome. 

So yeah, I'm now curious about the person I'll be when I turn 40. Perhaps I would finally dye my hair pink! (or wear more pink wigs! because damnit!)  Perhaps I would bleach my hair and let it be silver, so I would be like Storm. Hopefully, my book would FINALLY be out! who knows? Life doesn't end by 40, it just begins. that's what I learned by getting older and I wish, I really wish I would have known it when I was younger.

Discocombulated

 At times, there is peace and quiet in the dead of night. Ah! Peace and quiet both force me to pick my own brain and to watch the maze it has become in such a quick time. Depression is thy name, a Dedalus of incomprehensible mess made of toxic thoughts and dread. Depression is thy name and is holding me on a chokehold, marveling at my body struggling to shake my body free. It toys with me, allowing me to catch my breath back so I can regain some consciousness before it squeezes the life off of me again. At times there is peace and quiet in the dead of night and I can, yes, I can travel inside my mind.  I can travel the maze and look at the broken pieces of my soul. 

There are days when I find comfort in looking at my memories. Comfort I find in knowing I have survived the worst. There are days when I have enough strength in me that I can look at those memories and instead of reliving those traumas, I can take a step back and see how much of a warrior I actually am. I could have been gone. I could have been alone but I am both alive and I am not alone. Revisiting those moments is sometimes very difficult, but humbling at the same time because I am reminded of the cruel nature of humans, and also of the beautiful hearts some of them also have.  I am reminded of the choices I made, the lessons learned and the mistakes I would never make again. I find comfort, but only on days like these. 

There are days when I feel dread. I am not strong enough to keep the demons at bay. They talk louder and they talk over me. They are so overwhelming that I am suffocating under the crushing weight of my regrets. Walking down memory lane, on days like these, feel like torture. I couldn't stand myself, I couldn't keep going. I felt like I deserved those ignominies and should be punished more. On days like these.....oh On days like these, I reject the peace and quiet. I would do anything to fill the silence with noise. I would listen to music, I would write, and I would talk or even read. I would do anything but listen to myself or revisit the painful memories. This way I wouldn't allow toxic thoughts to creep into my brain. I wouldn't convince myself that I should have it worse. 

Here I am today, in the peace and quiet of my room. I see the maze, and I walk through it. I see the memories, and the fear and the Hope and the joy and all those emotions that are being mixed in that brain of mine. here I am today, comfortable in my skin -those days do exist as well-, comfortable in watching my story unfold before my eyes. I loved, I lost, I suffered, I learned... In a way, I have been through everything and anything. I lived. That's the thing I see today. I lived. I live! Life is messy. Life is so fucking messy but I am slowly starting to see the beauty of it.

Klasma: Why would you come back to her?

 // I miss these two. 

xxxxx

Klaus leaned against the counter of the bar he stopped to drink at. It had been a while since he left Mystic Falls and yet, he couldn't stop but think about that place. What could possibly make him want to come back to this place? Everything about the town irked the hybrid in ways he couldn't describe. He hated Mystic Falls. It covered his skin with goosebumps every time he had to think about it. This town was a supernatural hub where every enemy he seemed to have ended up finding themselves. New Orleans was another supernatural hub that Klaus preferred over Mystic Falls because he could at least entertain himself, but Mystic Falls always seemed to attract his family and ultimately him.  What was it, this time, that kept the dirty blonde hybrid thinking about that place? Was it the presence of Mary? Was it the Witch's presence in there that made him want to return to that place? Or was it his promise to her? 

What prompted Klaus to promise that woman that he would return to the old town? Klaus refused to dig deeper into his thoughts. He didn't know how to handle the fact he had met someone who defied all odds. Someone who didn't seek his company because she needed anything from him. She was strange, perhaps stranger than anyone he'd ever met in his "thousand years" life. She was supposed to be his natural predator, a natural enemy of his very being. She was supposed to hate his guts and wish for his death. It boggled his mind to have her feel anything other than the desire to kill him. After all, she was a victim of his rampage centuries ago. He slaughtered her family and didn't even remember the carnage he was responsible for. She should have hated him and she did for centuries until she chose to change. 

She chose to transform the rage that was burning inside her into something positive. Who did that? Who did that? She truly didn't need anything from him. Immortality? she had it. Power? She had it. Protection? She didn't need it. No. She wanted his company and she clearly said so. It took him aback. It still did. It had been so long since someone ever wanted to know Klaus, the real Klaus, not the monster or the sire. She wanted to know the real him, not the Mikaelson, not the sibling of Elijah, but just him. How could he process it? How could he process the fact someone finally could understand him and felt like kin? Besides, he promised her that he would help her with his brother. He would put her to safety and if there was one thing people had to know, it was that Klaus was a man of his word and he would protect her. 

Her face came to his mind, and flashes of her smile interrupted his trail of thoughts. How curious! It made him feel just like when she was speaking. Mary had the tendency to trail off when she spoke and that was something he thought both endearing and peculiar. Her face, her smile, her tears. He learned a lot about her and the fact she didn't lie and didn't hide how she felt was something he wasn't used to. She was his complete opposite and yet, and yet, his thoughts brought him back to Mystic Falls and to Mary. He wanted to see her. He wanted to meet her again. He had to keep his promise because he was a man of his word and... perhaps he wanted to see her again because he genuinely liked her company. 

Where was the truth? 

-TBC-

COPG; Life of Elpis: Euphoria

COPG; Life of Elpis: Euphoria

A/N: Well, My little goddess is very happy with how things are turning. This one is a little cheeky, just because. 

xxxx

The pink-haired goddess smiled to herself, as she was brushing her long hair in front of her vanity. Tonight was supposed to be a date with her sin. He came back from a long absence, some business he had with Lust, and their attempt at taming the Olympian pantheon. The goddess was way too focused on her revenge, so much so that she decided to take a step back on Pride's business with Lust. She knew that if he needed her help he would have requested it a while ago. No, Elpis had to focus on recovering. She had to make sure that could tap into her power and could master it. She had to be perfect, to know the true extent of her power in order to use it during their last assault on her pantheon. It required time. It required patience, two things the goddess didn't have. 

She had noticed her connection to nature was far more powerful than it used to be. She was in tune with it, with most living creatures. She didn't try yet to locate her mother, Gaea. It could have been a true test of her powers, to be able to find out the All-Mother, but that meant she would have to expose herself to her mother and ruin the efforts Pride and she had been making to remain hidden. It was too soon. She had to wait. They argued that it would be better to first wipe out her siblings and pantheon. Without the primeval gods, Gaea would be severed from the astral plane of the Gods. The primordial Garden would still exist, but there would be nothing to power it. It was as good as if it was empty and it would considerably weaken her mother. 

This war was like a chess game. It was carefully crafted, and studied by the goddess and the Sin in order to ensure their total victory over their enemies. So she wouldn't find her mother until she was ready for it. She would train instead, she would cause a ruckus wherever Pride would take her. She would indulge in the enjoyment of those human delicacies and refined hobbies. What was so wrong after all? Pride might have been busy, but he would return.  He always did. The more they spent time together, the more eager to find his goddess, the Sin was. So she could wait for him and she knew he would keep his promise. He would come back to her. It was good, after all, she trained, improved in the manipulation of her weapon, and she could enjoy going out with the Sin. 

She could enjoy herself. How long had it been since she was so free? Millennia. It had been more than 2000 years since the goddess was this free. She could dance to any music, and eat any food of her choosing. She could decide to give in to her bloodlust and entertain her beloved. She could decide, instead, to stay with him in their hotel room and feed their carnal needs. Oh, the carnal needs. The goddess stopped brushing her hair and put the brush onto her vanity. She let her fingers run over the skin of her delicate neck and rolled her head to the side. things had changed over the millennia. This Pride wasn't the same she used to know and she had matured enough, learned from her human vessels, and grew into the woman she was. 

Oh.. oh she knew nothing before. She was too impressed by the sin, although still wild and curious, she didn't know much about loving a man. She didn't know much about her true desires, and the interest in provoking her King, challenging him so he could showcase his true power. She learned, and she discovered just how passionate and greedy she was. She discovered, just how much better they understood each other and their back and forth, their playfulness fueled their arousal. He excited her, mentally stimulated her, and all of that transformed into electric shocks over her skin. electric shocks that went down her spine and into her loins. Even now... as he was away from her, the simple memory of her lover was enough to light up her whole being. her hands turned white, slowly creeping up, to her arm. Tonight, she would have the most fun with her beloved. Tonight, she would push herself a little further, drink into her progress, and create some more chaos with her sin. Tonight would be a night to celebrate. 

one more night she knew her siblings would spend in hell, dreading her return. 

-TBC-