MOET: You disappointed me

//Just a little thing that wanted to get out of my chest: (it's prose)

Disappointed. You disappointed me.  

I haven't truly understood just how deeply your actions hurt me. Was it because I was hoping you were the person you pretended to be? Or was it because I finally opened up to you, to a potential future between the two of us.

You disappointed me. 

I had opened my heart to you, despite my fears, and my suspicions. I wanted to give you a chance, to make sure that you were true to your words and to me. But you weren't. You rejected me. You threw me away like you would a used tissue. I was never going to be able to meet your standards. I was never going to be part of your life. I guess I have failed from the very start. What were you looking for, then? 

You disappointed me. 

And I don't think you realize the power these words hold. I held you on a pedestal. Somehow wishing to get with you what I was lacking in life. I needed warmth, I needed compassion. I thought you would be the one to give it to me. You pretended to be. You never were. 

instead, I got your venom. I got your side-eyes. I got the look of disgust on your face, I guess, for something I could not control? Something that made me who I was as a person? How could you pretend to like me then? How could you pretend you cared for me when you don't even give me a second thought? 

you disappointed me. 

And I am upset at you for your lies. I am upset at myself for trusting you. Why couldn't I see the obvious? Why couldn't I see the lies on your lips? The heartbreak that would follow the revelation of the truth? Wasn't I careful enough, to prevent this from happening again? I guess I wasn't. 

I guess I trusted too much. 

I guess I wanted it to be true.

In the end, I realized I was a fool, but you can't fool me no more.

You became a lesson, you became a warning, you became a reminder to me now. 

Not everyone could be family. Not everyone should be family. 

I have seen you for who you really were, and your rejection became my salvation. The love I have, the warmth I have, would benefit other people, more deserving people, those who are my family, those who actually want me to be part of theirs. 

You disappointed me.

You taught me.

that my heartbreak is a sign that I am alive. It is a sign that I could still love. It is a sign that I can still have more to give, but also a sign that I can and should also get. 

Thank you for failing me.

Thank you for breaking my heart.

You only made me stronger.

you only made me love harder. 

MOET: Love Grows

Love Grows,

I don't believe in love at first sight, such a thing doesn't exist for me.

I believe love takes time and it's both a certainty and a constant discovery.

I believe that love grows, and it has to be nurtured over time.

I grew to love the sweet smile you have when you don't assume your next joke.

I grew to love the sparkle of passion in your eyes when you're talking about films.

I grew to love you in spite of the stubbornness you sometimes showcase.

It's a long process, I see it now.

I surprise me, thinking of you at the most uncanny times,

I would make a sandwich and wish you were there to taste it with me.

I would find myself thinking of the feeling I have when you stroke my arm.

I would plan future trips with you, to the museum, to the stadium, anywhere really.

Because all I would see would be the smile on your face as we get there.

All I would think of would be the warmth of your embrace and yours heartbeats.

It's a long process, I see it now.

Love grows, Love takes time. It's an endless hike when you think of it.

Love slowly fills up your heart, and in a blink of an eye you've built something.

You've built a home inside someone else's heart, they've built theirs inside you too

They anchor you to this world, center you in this life, and chose you too.

I guess that's the beauty of it, to have someone who trusts you this much too.

Love grows, Love takes time and I could never imagine my life without you.

From those annoying little things I ended up loving too, to the things I love you for.

You're my ordinary extraordinary other half and I love that about you.

I love the fact you see me too, the real me, the one a very few know.

You're my extraordinary ordinary Love, the one who can make everyday life a movie

A quiet adventure, or a safety blanket at times, you're my everything.

Love grows, Love takes time and I am glad we took what we needed.

I love that our texts turned into long phone calls -yes, phone calls I avoid at all cost-

I love that our long phone calls turned into me staying with you, sleeping next to you.

I didn't believe in love at first sight, it never existed for me.

However, I realized that true love is like a tree that needs to grow slowly.

It takes its roots into your heart and slowly grow into a majestuous tree

and I couldn't be happier, no, I'm truly happy.

I am, because you chose me.

Misadventures of Eros and Thanatos: I want to live.

 What about tomorrow? I ask in a whisper. 

What was it about tomorrow that would make me want to wake up and leave my bed? I am exhausted, my brain is mush, my heart is broken. I am exhausted from having to constantly battle against invisible enemies. I am exhausted and yet I am still moving forward. I guess to my grave.

Life's tough, didn't you know kid? I sometimes remember those words. I do know that life isn't fair. I do know that Life is a struggle. That's how I see it more often than not. Life is an endless pit of despair, a continuous fight we cannot win. We wake up, not knowing if we would make it alive to see another day. We wake up feeling lucky to breathe only to be crushed the very next minute by life. I guess that's how it is. 

What about tomorrow? I ask in a whisper. 

What was it about tomorrow that keeps me going? I should have ended this masquerade a long time ago. I should have known better than to trust that I would be lucky and would finally turn my life around. I guess that's Hope... I guess that's being optimistic. Whatever I do, however, I feel, there is still Hope creeping its ugly head out inside my heart and making me want to believe that the next day would be different and I would be happy. 

It had changed over the years, over the days.. my perception of happiness. There were days when Happiness was sitting in my kitchen, with my favorite dish and my favorite drink, listening to music I loved. There were days when it was just talking to friends and family about sweet nothings...there were days when it was fucking dying. I wanted this guilt I still feel, to be gone, the pain of being alive, of surviving my ordeals, of wasting the air that should have gone to someone who deserved it. I feel like a mistake and sometimes I want to erase myself like you would a mistake. 

Truth is... I am here. whether I like it or not and wanting to explore, to discover, to love, to live, to exist drives me still. I have had good times, I have had bad times, I have been surprised in this life and fulfilled at some point so if it had happened once, then why wouldn't it happen again? I'm exhausted... yet hopeful and this Hope is still making me wake up to see another day, work hard to make ends meet, make sure I am still moving. I want to live and for a long time, I didn't know how to do it. I felt that I existed, but never actually lived.. until it hit me.   I want to live and this pain I feel inside? this rage overwhelming me? That ache in my heart and the burning feeling in my eyes.. All of this is also a part of my desire to live. I don't want to survive from one day to the other. I don't want to survive and cry myself to sleep every night. I don't want to survive and ask myself "who am I?". I want to live. I want to LIVE.