Heartbreak

Why did I believe you would be different? I guess I was blinded by my own affection for you. I guess I wanted something better for both of us.  I wanted us to be soulmates. I mean, friendship-wise. I wanted us to love each other unconditionally. I wanted us to care for each other in ways we have not been cared for in our lives. I wanted so much for us, and in a way, we achieved it if we keep our distance, I guess. It took me a while to realize that you do not want to meet me. You do not want me to see you as you are. Part of me wonders if you want to hide your real face from me. I wonder if you want to hide your real personality from me. How much of you is real? I guess that a lot of what I know is true. You don't lie to me. You don't pretend... I can tell. I want to believe that I can.  I want to believe that I know a part of you that is real and sincere.... If it's not, oh, if it's not... 

I don't know how I would react, and I would rather not think about it. I would rather work towards accepting that you will never truly be mine. You will never truly be mine--- Ah... What do I mean when I say that? I guess, I mean,  I wanted you and me to have a very special bond. I wanted us to be friends, beyond friends... beyond lovers.., I wanted you to be my safe place and my dearest friend. I wanted you to be my muse. I wanted you to be my person.... And I thought you were. Artistically speaking, oh, you clearly are. Amically speaking.... I think we do not want the same thing. I think we do not mean the same thing. I guess, with me, there would never be something deeper than what I wish we could be. I guess that is why I am so heartbroken. I wanted things that could never be. 

I wanted things that could never be. The truth is that I love you more than you do. I care for you more than you claim. We would never be the type of friends I wanted us to be. I think that this will be true with other people, and it is okay. I have to accept it. I have to digest it... I have to.... Even if it is difficult. I hurt. I break. I am so upset. I am so disappointed in you, and I think that it is eating me up. I am so disappointed in myself for being upset, but I have been told that it is normal. You were my friend, and to meet with you in the flesh was the next right step. You did not want it. Not just once, but twice... so really.... How can you be a friend to me? How can you be? I am upset, and I don't know how long it would take for me to handle that pain, but I aim to focus on what is important... my future. My wedding. my book... my life. Add if you don''t want to walk the path with me, I would simply leave you behind and keep you at a distance. Trust!

questionnaire OC: Nix edition

Squad: who’s friends with whom? What are the squad dynamics like? Debbie Malone and Wallace Walker are her very close friends. They welcomed her when she arrived in Detroit. 

Microscope: zoom in – describe the little, insignificant details about an OC.  She has a tooth gap.

Fragrance: What do your OCs smell like? She smells like Jasmine.

Photo album: Describe one of your OC’s favourite memories. Her very first kiss with her first love.

Wardrobe: What’s your OC's style like? She dresses plainly on purpose. She wears jeans and t-shirts, floral dresses and leggings, and long sweaters. However, she cleans up very nicely when she needs to.

Lightning: Who’s the most impulsive character? And who has their impulse control? She is impulsive, and Marc is her impulse control.

Love note: who likes whom? crushes? relationships? Are they mutual or unrequited? She loves ( Will fall hard for) Marc. Apparently, it is going to be mutual. :p

Poison: vices/bad habits? What are they? How do they affect your OC? She smokes when she is stressed. She also tries to hurt herself and fights the bad guys. 

Betrayal: Has your OC ever been betrayed by someone they thought they could trust? Has your OC ever betrayed someone who trusted them? Anton, her first love, betrayed her in a bid to buy his own way out of the league. It scarred her deeply. She has not betrayed anyone unless we consider that hiding her past is betraying Marc. 

Parachute: Who does your OC trust the most? Who makes them feel safe? Who would they do absolutely anything for? First, Marc. Second, Debbie. Then Wallace. In that order.

Break: What would cause your OC to break down completely? What do they look like when that happens? Has anyone ever seen them at their lowest? Being confronted with her past when she is trying to escape it.  She would spiral out of control, cry, hit her chest until it bled, and scream. Only her former mentor saw her in that state when she was killing him. 

Contact: How do your OC feel about touch/physical contact? Are they affectionate? If so, how do they display affection to others? Nix loves physical contact and craves touch. She is affectionate and would hug and kiss, and caress her loved ones. She loves giving hugs and would always hug Debbie or Marc, whether she celebrates or comforts. 

Interiors: describe your OC's bedroom/home/or a place they consider “theirs”. What’s in it? Do certain items have a special significance to your OC? It is a very functional place. It has all the essentials of a good apartment. The only pictures are from the day she arrived in Detroit. She has a few gifts from her students (cards and drawings). Anyone with good observation skills would see that she has a whole past she does not want to talk about.  The apartment is warm and homely. 

Wild card: talk about any OC! anything you want! Nix is a hopeless romantic, and she dreams of being romanced. She wishes to be with someone who genuinely wants to be with her and who loves her openly and unapologetically. She wants to give that person all the love she kept to herself. She wants to love. 

KNY OC Yue Kurosaki

Yue Kurosaki (黒崎 ゆえ) is a major supporting character of Demon Slayer/ Kimetsu no Yaiba. She is a Demon Slayer of the Demon Slayer Corps and Sanemi's fiancée. 

黒崎 英 /    黒崎   華月 (ゆえ)

Yue Kurosaki

Characteristics 

Race: Human

Gender: Female

Age: 19

Height: 160 cm 

Weight: 60 kg 

Birthday: August 31st

Hair Color: White with red tips.

Eye Color: Crimson Red

Affiliation

Affiliation Demon Slayer Corps (Formerly)

Occupation: 

Demon Slayer

singer and dancer (Post-War)

Combat Style:  Iron Breathing

Personal Status

Relative(s)

Unnamed Biological Parents (deceased)

Unnamed Biological Brother (deceased)

Sanemi Shinazugawa (husband)

Kyogo Shinazugawa (Father-in-law deceased)

Shizu Shinazugawa (Mother-in-law deceased)

Genya Shinazugawa (Younger Brother-in-law deceased)

Sumi Shinazugawa (Younger Sister-in-law, deceased)

Teiko Shinazugawa (Younger Sister-in-law, deceased)

Hiroshi Shinazugawa (Younger Brother-in-law, deceased)

Shuya Shinazugawa (Younger Brother-in-law, deceased)

Koto Shinazugawa (Younger Brother-in-law, deceased)

Sanehiro Shinazugawa (Descendant)

Unnamed Descendant

Contents

1 Appearance

2 Personality

3 Abilities

4 Fighting Style

5 Equipment

6 Relatives

7 Battles

8 Trivia

9 Quotes

Appearance

Yue is a girl of short stature, with large and gentle eyes of red color that are framed by thick eyelashes, and lilac lips in contrast to her dark complexion. She has long, thick, white-red hair, braided into a single braid and fastened with a red leather thread. She has straight cut bangs, a straight fringe, and two loose, chin-length strands that curve downwards from above each of her ears.

Yue wears a slightly purple-tinted variation of the standard Demon Slayer uniform, consisting of a button-up jacket with a stand-up collar and long sleeves, featuring silver buttons and a shirt pocket on the left breast, with the kanji for Destroy (滅めつ Metsu?) engraved on the back of the uniform. Beneath the jacket, she wears a white long-sleeved, collared undershirt. The uniform is fastened at the waist with a white belt and includes a pair of matching tattsuke-hakama pants, which are wrapped at the calves with crimson kyahan. Draped over her uniform, she wears a long white haori with red circles. On her feet, he wears tabi socks that match the crimson tone of her uniform, along with white zōri sandals with white straps. 

Personality

At first, Yue was very aloof and silent due to the abuse she endured in her past before being adopted by the Kurosaki family. Born to an African mother and a Japanese father, who both died when she was 5 years old, she was shunned by society. Metis were rarely accepted into the Japanese society, even less when one of their parent was even more exotic than the European settlers who lived in the main cities.  Yue's parents tried to protect her to the best of their abilities, but she witnessed the racism her mother experienced daily and the humiliations both parents suffered from for daring to "breed".  Despite these hardships, Yue was very happy with her parents and wished to grow old so she could protect them. Unfortunately, a mob of furious villagers decided to kill them out of jealousy for this family that was thriving. Forced to become a street urchin, Yue learned to stop crying and to repress her emotions and desires to survive in the harsh environment she was forced into.  She begged in the streets and turned to theft to afford food. 

One day, a nice family of three was robbed while walking the streets to find a doctor for their fragile son, Kenshiro. She saved them from the robber, and the three of them invited her to a meal. They learned that she was an orphan living on the streets, and the Kurosakis decided to take her in and adopt the young girl. She grew up, a young and caring girl who loved her parents and young brother. They rose in fame and power and were able to give their children a good life and education. She met Sanemi Shinazugawa when they were still teenagers. He watched her protect the young Kenshiro, and she used her handkerchief to clean up the blood from a superficial cut on his forehead.  Unbeknownst to her, she later met with Sanemi and his father, who visited her family to arrange a marriage between her and Sanemi. After the parents agreed to the betrothal, she never saw Sanemi again. 

Her life turned upside down when their family was attacked by demons. She protected Kenshiro and sustained a lot of injuries until  Gyomei rescued both of them and killed the demons. He took the two orphans under his wing, and they became his trainees. Filled with an intense rage against demons for the deaths of her parents, both Kenshiro and Yue worked hard to enter the demon slayer corps. She undertook the Final Selection of her own volition to become a Demon Slayer, without consulting her superiors for permission, and passed the selection in flying colors, while protecting Kenshiro.  

Yue demonstrates extreme determination and hatred for demons. She turned her fear into rage and determination. Her mind was solely focused on killing demons and protecting her brother, Kenshiro. Deep down, Yue is a very soft and kind woman. She believes that humans can do good, like both sets of parents she had,  and do bad, like those who killed her parents. She is a good listener, brave, and easily admires new things she encounters. She's very curious about how the world would be without demons. Because of her traumatic childhood, she also plasters a lot of fake smiles because she refuses to look back and truly face her emotions.  Upon seeing Sanemi again, she recognized him and became closer to him once again, in a bid to fulfill the wishes of their dead family members. 

Abilities

Overall Abilities

Yue was the trainee of Gyomei Himejima, who had been personally trained by him in the art of combat. As such, Yue possesses extremely refined physical abilities, sharpened skills, and prowess that potentially mark her as a future member of the Demon Slayer Corps' Hashira. 

Indomitable Will: Like most Demon Slayers, Yue possesses an undaunted will and spirit, refusing to give up and die when fighting even the most formidable foes that defeated her masters and, later on, the Demon King, Muzan Kibutsuji.

Physical Abilities

Enhanced Strength: Yue has attained incredible physical strength through harsh training. She can jump extremely high distances incredibly quickly, showing her incredible leg strength. In terms of arm strength, she can swing her katana at tremendous speeds incessantly without tiring. 

Immense Speed and Reflexes: Yue is extremely fast. During Rehabilitation Training, she could consistently outspeed Tanjiro Kamado, Zenitsu Agatsuma, and Inosuke Hashibira all at once before they mastered the Total Concentration: Constant (全ぜん集しゅう中ちゅう・常じょう中ちゅう Zen Shūchū Jōchū?). 

Immense Stamina and Endurance: Yue has incredible stamina and endurance. During the Infinity Castle arc, she could exert herself even farther than her limits and fight against powerful demons, being able to endure numerous attacks from even an upper-ranked demon. She can keep fighting despite the injuries that she had suffered from the fight and recover enough to then help in the confrontation against Muzan shortly afterwards.

Supernatural Abilities

Spatial awareness:  Yue has an exceptional sense of spatial awareness. She can know where her body is in space and where her body is in relation to other people and objects, and thus she can  navigate her surroundings with grace and ease. This allows her to make effective counterattacks and dodges and stay ahead of her opponents. 

Fighting Style

Master Swordswoman: As an immensely gifted individual, Yue is an incredibly powerful swordswoman with excellent proficiency with a sword, enabling her to slay demons since she was young, and face more dangerous ones, such as Upper Rank demons. Her combination of impeccably refined swordsmanship skills and sharply acute space awareness allowed her to fight against and clash toe-to-toe with an Upper Rank by herself for some time before Sanemi's intervention. She was also able to contribute to the battle against Muzan Kibutsuji, alongside her fellow Demon Slayers.

Breathing Style

Iron Breathing (てつ の呼こ吸きゅう Tetsu no kokyū?): A Breathing Style Yue learnt and later mastered by simply observing Gyomei Himejima.

Stone Breathing (  岩いわの呼こ吸きゅう Iwa no kokyū )  A breathing style learned by Yue from  Gyomei Himejima. However, although Yue has learnt it, she was not as skillful with it and could not fight to her fullest using it. Thus, she developed Iron Breathing, a Breathing Style more suited to her, and can properly make use of her strengths.

Techniques

First Form: Harder than stone (壱いちノ型かた　石より硬い Ichi no kata: Ishi yori katai- The user performs a singular and powerful horizontal thrust.

Second Form: Punishment from the elders (弐にノ型かた　長老たちの罰Ni no kata: Chōrō-tachi no batsu)- The user lifts the sword upwards towards the right, above their head, and unleashes four vertical slashes at once down on the enemy, resembling iron batons.

Third Form: Like the master chefs (参さんノ型かた　名シェフのように San no kata: Mei shefu no yō ni) - The user unleashes a whirlwind of slashes around their body that can defend them from incoming attacks and slice up their surroundings.

Fourth Form: A thousand-knife dance (肆しノ型かた　昇千本のナイフのダンス Shi no kata: Senbon no naifu no dansu) - The user releases several slashes above them from below their target.

Fifth Form: Iron Shield (伍ごノ型かた　鉄の盾 Go no kata: Tetsu no tate) - The user rapidly moves their arms in circular motion to block any attack coming their way.

Sixth Form: The thousand cuts of the burning soul (陸ろくノ型かた　燃える魂の千の切り傷 Roku no kata: Moeru tamashī no sen no kirikizu) - The user rotates their body in an uppercut movement, creating a tornado of slashes.

Seventh Form: Divine punishment of the Iron Lady (漆しちノ型かた　鉄の女の天罰 Shichi no kata: Keifū - Tetsu no on'na no tenbatsu)- When the technique is unleashed, the user constantly bombards their opponent with multiple slashes and cuts from multiple angles stealthily. Finally, the user delivers an incredibly powerful horizontal slash, cleaving right through their opponent.

Eighth Form: Judgement of heaven by Iron's purity (捌はちノ型かた　金属の純度による天の審判 Hachi no kata: Kinzoku no jundo ni yoru ten no shinpan) - The user backflips into the air and, while upside-down, unleashes a powerful gust of circular wind that slashes apart anything below.

Ninth Form: The exalted (玖くノ型かた　高貴な者 Ku no kata: Kōkina mono) - The user activates her special ability and pushes herself to the extreme.  It's her own version of Tanjiro's transparent world, which allows her to be extremely aware of her surroundings and shortens the time of reaction.  It exhausts her faster than any other form she uses, but she's lethal and dangerous during the short window her power is activated. 

Equipment

Standard Nichirin Katana: Yue carries around a standard-sized and shaped Nichirin katana with a black blade that has a deep silver outline. Her katana's tsuba is shaped like a lotus, with a silver core and an overlapping red border to mimic her hair. The handle is red and wrapped in white cords, and it ends with a red kashira.  With her katana, Yue has a standard sword sheath that is a shade of deep gray with silver marks resembling drops of water on it.

Trivia

Her surname, Kurosaki, is composed of the Kun'yomi reading of the kanji for "Dark"(Deep mysterious and powerful energy) or  "Wise"  and the kun'yomi for "strength" (suggesting being able to overcome any obstacle).

Yue's given name is composed of the kanji 華, which means magnificent, and 月, which means moon. So her given name could be roughly translated as "magnificent moon".

So together, her name could be roughly translated as: "The Deep mysterious and powerful energy of the magnificent moon."

Yue's favourite foods are  pork cutlet and  Tuna Tataki. 

Yue's hobbies are cooking, dancing,  reading, singing, and watching fireworks.

Yue's mentor was Gyomei. She derived her Iron Breathing from his Stone Breathing.

Yue's born to an African mother and a Japanese father, resulting in her having dark-skin and textured hair when it rains/ it's damp. She suffered a lot of discrimination and violence when she was a child due to her being a metis, but always managed to keep a bright outlook on life.  Her kind heart led her to rescue and later be adopted by the Kurosaki family, only for her to lose them all to demons. 

Yue fell in love with Sanemi after spending time fighting by his side. She realizes that he's far more sensitive than he lets on and only acts tough and rough to protect those he loves. 

She survives the war against Muzan, but spends six months in a coma. One of the last things she said to Sanemi before fainting was that she was happy and proud to have been his betrothed and wished to meet him in another life and hopefully marry him. He stayed by her side until she recovered completely and the two married each other, thus completing their families' wishes, but also because they both genuinely love each other.

Kenshiro Kurosaki, her adopted brother, had always been frail and of fragile health. She always protected him from anything they encountered, fighting his battles and rescuing him from demons. As soon as he grew older and stronger, he vowed to protect Yue and died in her arms in a fight against an upper demon.

Quotes:

(To herself) "We promised each other that we would make sure no one suffers like we did. Kenshiro-kun... I will kill Muzan or die trying!"

(To herself) "I can't give up right now. I have to make everyone proud of me. Moms, dads.. Kenshiro, please  give me more strength."

(To Sanemi) "Shinazugawa-sama... What our parents decided for us when we were young, we don't have to go through with it. However, even if you decide to break off our engagement, I hope you will accept my blade. I want to fight by your side."

(To Sanemi) "Shina--Sanemi-sama. I... I consider myself lucky. In this life, I have seen the worst and the best of humanity. Humans hated me because I was different, because of the color of my skin...Demons wanted to kill me because I am human... yes, I suffered, but I also have been loved. I have been taken care of. I can say I had a good life!"

(To Sanemi) "Sanemi-sama. My heart is beating for you. I know, I know you don't feel the same for me, but I just wanted you to know that I have been honored to serve by your side. I wanted you to know that I love you, and I wish we had gotten married in this life. I hope in the next life we will meet again, and I will get to be your wife."

Hope was the weapon of fools

When talking to a friend about discovering "late" into adulthood, how important it was to be loved, I was reminded of how much I was able to grow over the years. Genuine love can help you blossom into the best version of yourself. It can help you hope. It can help you achieve things you never thought you could (or never thought of). It can help you heal or at least soothe your deepest wounds. It was love who helped me get the best care for my mental health and realize I needed it. It was love that helped me become the person I am today, the love I have for others, and the genuine love others had for me. Not so long ago, I couldn't even assert myself or make decisions because I thought it wasn't my place to do so, and it didn't matter because I didn't matter anyway. I couldn't even pick up where to sit at a restaurant... Today? I'm back to being myself and choosing for myself! I  also watched others transform for the best, once they found love or allowed themselves to love again.  I love it! I love watching someone getting genuinely loved and cared for. 

Don't get me wrong, love is not going to solve issues, and it won't bring back what's been lost and can't be replaced like a loved one, but Love will soothe and help us carry on.  Love isn't a magic solution, and it's not going to solve everything. I still have suicidal ideations, despite all the love and care I have. I still suffer from mild anxiety and clinical depression. I still have other little moments of anger, weakness, and frustration, but my heart is soaring! I feel so much better! I met wonderful friends, and I am able to do things I couldn't dream of doing before. I also realized the difference between fake love and genuine love and how they're worlds apart. I guess you have to learn the hard way, so you can keep the lesson etched in your very soul. 

I noticed yesterday while talking to my friend,  that one of the positive changes that happened within me was about Hope. I grew up with Hope in my heart until I reached adolescence. I used to think that "Hope was the weapon of fools." In my mind, a long time ago, being hopeful was seen as a recipe for disaster due to the constant heartbreak and betrayal. I thought I was wrong to be hopeful, and I would be punished for daring to dream of something better. So I tried not to be and instead remained a "practical and realist" person. 

In truth, I was unable to recognize the self-destructive patterns I had been engaging in. I was unable to realize that those I surrounded myself with did not have my best interests at heart at the start of my adult life. I couldn't see the strength and capability I already possessed within me. I simply killed hope and kept doing it so it wouldn't grow in my heart. This way, if I were disappointed, I would reframe it in my head as a reality check.  It was simply Life unfolding as it was supposed to be. Such a simple trick! 

Then, I grew out of those bad relationships, and I slowly but surely picked myself back up, thanks to the genuine love I received. Little by little, I realized that what I mistook for "reality" were simply the self-realized prophecies and bad company fueling my insecurities, depression, and anxiety. It was a lack of reassurance and security mixed with low self-esteem and other fragilities. It wasn't "Fate" or "Punishment" for being alive. It was none of these things. It wasn't even me. 

How could it be me when I shrank myself to please others? How could it be me when I quieted my voice and ignored my needs and desires because it would be an inconvenience to others? How could it be me when I gave up on myself because I listened to those telling me that I would never amount to anything? Voices telling me they loved me when in truth they wanted to push me to my grave? (That might never be a story I would tell). It took me a long time, a lot of work, and a great deal of support to finally detangle everything and escape the sharp claws of self-destructive patterns I was stuck with. 

Love, genuine and kind love, helped me see that I wasn't valued before. Love from others made me find myself again. It made me accept myself the way I forgot how to. It made me hope again. I dared dream again. I dared assert myself again, and my favourite thing is that I learned that "yes, I could be loved for who I was!" I found myself feeling hopeful again, and this time,  oh, I truly cherish the ability to do so. I no longer feel the same way as I did decades ago. I realized that Hope was resilience and a fuel to do better... to be better. Love brought back Hope. Love helped me get back to myself. And I think that it's one of the testaments of how being genuinely loved could help, and I wish, I really wish that everyone would experience true love, and that I will keep moving in the right direction and be the better version of myself. 

 

Live

To the little voices in your head telling you that you can't do it. 

To the naysayers who constantly put you down. 

To the bullies who claim you would amount to nothing. 

Prove them wrong, babe! 

There will always be those who want to sow chaos in your soul, 

Those will mock and deride you, 

Those who will take every opportunity to break your spirit, 

Those too afraid to do the thing you do and would rather you tow in line. 

Prove them wrong, babe! 

Even if you end up failing, because we can't predict the future. 

Even if you end up switching gears and changing careers, 

Even if your actions would only bear fruit once you're gone, 

Prove them wrong, babe!  

We only have this life, we only know this life, and if there is something I can only wish for us, it's to do what we wanted to do so we can depart without regrets.

Because we can say: "I did it. I wanted to do it, so I did!" 

Because we can say: "I lived my life to the fullest. I rose, and I fell, but I lived!"

So prove them wrong, babe! 

Live!

The end of 2024

The end of 2024

How to define 2024?

As usual, the wonderful art (and tradition) by the wonderful artist Lelia Alvarez.  I fell in love with her art in 2011 and as soon as she started this tradition, I just embraced it all together :D  With this, of course, I always attached a little reflection on the year that passed and wishes for the year to come. 

I will start by wishing you the best holiday season to all of you.  I know that the year has been extremely intense and heartbreaking for some of you, quite fulfilling for others, and quite exciting as well. I can only hope that 2025 will sort things out in a positive way. I can only hope that you will keep on exploring and experimenting. I can only hope that you will keep on taking care of yourselves, your needs, your dreams, and your desires, and for those who couldn't rest this year, I can wish you all the rest possible. I know it's a bit cheesy, but I really want you to have a better 2025 and be much happier.  Yes, the wishes are the same as last year, but they resonated with me this year and I hope they still resonate with you as well.

Since 2021 things have been really hectic on my side. I told you about my dad's cancer and near-deaths from late 2021 to his somehow stability and ongoing battle with the disease up to this year. He's back to who he used to be and through hard work and dedication, he is far more autonomous and doesn't require as much care as before. I lost a friend to cancer that same year and it had sincerely been difficult for me to cope with that loss, especially when there are things I know she would have loved and I can't tell her about it anymore, but I'm getting there. My twin, in late 2022,  was diagnosed with cancer as well and I honestly thought my life was ending right then and there. I had to pull myself together and I am grateful for the help I got from family and friends to hold onto Hope and communicate it to my twin. I admire her so much, she fought teeth and nails and today, she's officially in recovery. we can only hope that after the mandatory couple of years of observation, all her results would show negative and she would officially be declared cured of that disease. But boy, these last couple of years were sincerely rough on us all, but they pulled through and they fought hard and I am grateful for yet another Christmas I can celebrate with my twin because she is half of me. I don't know how to do life without her. I dreaded losing her because then, what would I do? Needless to say, anxiety and depression were at an all-time high but my therapist truly was god-sent and my support system was awesome. I owe them my life. 

The year had not just been challenging but also very positive come to think of it! Besides the health progress of my dad and twin, I became an aunt and I fell in love with that tiny human my little sister brought on Earth. I count my blessings because I was able to have a very intense and positive year at a very personal level. I am so deeply in love with my partner. He is so awesome, my best friend, a darling, a funny guy who always makes me laugh and makes me feel safe when we're together. We are doing that adult life well and soon enough, I'll be able to openly be excited about a little project of ours :D I'm so happy about my book because now it's being reviewed and proof-read :D  I was able to strengthen my friendships and end those that were toxic to me. I am still baffled at one friendship that ended recently, but I am glad it happened at the end of the year so I can start 2025 on a fresh start!  Thank you darlings. Thank you so much for everything. I felt privileged to share my friends' important moments and to be a friend to them to my best abilities.  I was able to meet new people, broaden my circle of friends, to grow more comfortable in my skin. I still continue my therapy, still, take care of my mental health, and still fuel my creativity.  

yes, I know, it's the same wish for myself as the previous years but why break what works? 

It's been a really good year and I really loved it. I can only wish that the year to come, would top it off or be even better. 

I really hope that you will have a wonderful end of the year and that 2025 will treat you better. 

May

The end of 2023

The end of 2023

 How to define 2023?

As usual, the wonderful art (and tradition) by the wonderful artist Lelia.  I fell in love with her art in 2011 and as soon as she started this tradition, I just embraced it all together :D  With this, of course, I always attached a little reflection on the year that passed and wishes for the year to come. 

Complex. Intense. Fulfilling...

I will start by wishing you the best holiday season to all of you.  I know that the year has been quite intense for some of you, quite fulfilling for others, and quite exciting as well. I can only hope that 2024 would sort things out in a positive way. I can only hope that you will keep on exploring and experimenting. I can only hope that you will keep on taking care of yourselves, your needs, your dreams, and your desires and for those who couldn't rest this year, I can wish you all the rest possible. I know it's a bit cheesy, but I really want you to have a better 2024, far better than 2023, and be much happier. 

Late 2021 my father was diagnosed with a kidney cancer. My sisters and I managed to make him travel to France in order to have his tumor taken care of. Late 2021 -all of 2022 and the beginning of 2023 have been draining. My dad almost died several times, we were under pressure, my anxiety and depression were through the roof. Things were bleak for me, truly they were. Being the primary caretaker of my dad took its toll on my family. I lost my friend Colleen to cancer as well and it took me about a year to finally accept that she was gone and we would never write to each other anymore.  Then late 2022, we learned that my twin sister had cancer as well. I honestly thought that my world was crumbling. It took me a while, and a lot of support from family, friends, my therapist and Antoine in order to keep me standing because I was overwhelmed with everything but I still pulled up for my dad and twin. I still did my best to help them. 

The year had not just been challenging. I count my blessings because I was able to have a very intense and positive year at a very personal level. I am still deeply in love with my partner. He is so awesome, such a great friend, a darling, a funny guy who always makes me laugh. We have a lot of fun together and we've traveled a lot this year. I've been to Japan! I've been to Pragues, in the UK and I've been able to discover new places and meet new people (and old friends). I'm so happy about my book because the editing is still going well :D I was able to strengthen my friendships and end those that were toxic to me, and this year I saw the benefits of surroundering myself with people who only want the best for me. Thank you darlings. Thank you so much for everything. I felt privileged to share my friends' important moments and to be a friend to them to my best abilities.  I was able to meet new people, broaden my cycle of friends, to grow more comfortable in my skin. I still continue my therapy, still, take care of my mental health and still fuel my creativity.  

It's been a really good year and I really loved it. I can only wish that the year to come, would top it off or be even better. 

I really hope that you will have a wonderful end of the year and that 20234would treat you better. 

May

List of rp characters (update 2025)

• Oya Winchester - [Stand by] [SPN]
• Bäahal Targaryen - [Stand by] [ Got Regular / Modern] 
• Nëela Olusegun- [Stand by] [TVD]
• Elpis- [Stand by] [Chronicles of the Primeval Gods / COPG]
• Mary Colson- [Stand by] [Peaky Blinders]
• Sara Richardson - [Stand by] [The Boys]
• Lux Adora- [Active] [SPN / original vampire world]

xx

Potential characters [No storyline but the character exists]

• Lucretia Marin - [Unicorn] 
• Leona Farrow- [Werewolf]
• Judith Le Fay- [Faery / Enchantress]
• Phoenix Rivers - [Dragon shapeshifter] 
• Vanya Beryl Quimaris- [Warrior Elf]
• Yue Kurosaki [Kimetsu no Yaiba]
• Hayley Blackwood [DDBA]

TB: the modern day Bonnie and Clyde.

Sara and Homelander are the modern-day Bonnie and Clyde. A co-dependent yet genuine relationship between the two of them. Sara (like Homie) had a very bad past and traumas that shaped her into the self-serving (yet kind) woman she is today.  She craves affection and connections and would do anything for Homelander and her fans who do give her love in their own way.

The cuteness overload: rp edition

Sara

1) Sara sleeps with one leg out and one leg into the sheets. When she’s with Homelander, she would sleep with her body almost thrown over Homelander 😛 

2) Sara blushes when they kiss. She is always enjoying sharing a kiss and Homelander feels good, smells good, and she just loses herself in it. It’s a gesture of affection and love and something she really enjoys. 

3) Sara loves when he wears his costume. She loves it even more when he wears regular outfits. The jeans shit him and the T-shirts as well.  He looks really good with his hair dyed black as well.

xxxx

Mary 

1) Mary sleeps cuddled up with Tommy. She usually has her hand on his chest and he has his arm wrapped around her shoulders.  She usually kisses his chest until she falls asleep. 

2) When Tommy holds her waist and presses her against his hard frame. She loves when Tommy feels possessive of her and keeps her safe there. 

3) When Tommy wears his MP costume. He looks so dignified, so handsome and his glasses are so damn cute. But she loves him More when he wears his tank top and pants.

xxxx

Neela 

1) Asma sleeps on her side. She curls into a ball in order to feel safer and self-soothe. She does sleep on her side with Klaus and usually loves to be the little spoon. 

2) when Klaus tucks some hair behind her ear or when he bends forward to whisper in her ear. 

3) when Klaus cleans up nicely with a nice black tux. She does love his regular outfit because jeans help her focus her eyes on his legs.

xxxxx

Baahal (regular and modern  ) 

1) Baahal sleeps on her back.  when they sleep together, she loves to snuggle him and entwines her legs with his. 

2)  Baahal blushes when he leans his forehead against hers. It’s their gesture and she loves it so much. 

3) when Jaime wears just his pants. No shirts on. She thinks he looks hot like that, or maybe with his shirt unbuttoned so she can see his chest.

xxxx

Elpis:

1) Elpis likes to sleep on Pride’s torso. She loves to feel his hand around her shoulder to secure her against his frame. 

2) when he grabs her hand and kisses the back of it. She blushes a lot when he pulls her chin up so she could look at him.

3) Pride in impeccable suits but when he unties his tie and when he pulls his sleeves up. When he loses the blazer. She thinks he’s perfect and even hotter like that.

Klasma trivia : the most Romantic thing Klaus did

Neela:

The most romantic thing Klaus has done for me is take me on a date. I haven't had dates before, so he courted me. I loved it. I loved it...I..to have him consider courting me, despite being a cursed witch? Despite being a witch?.. But for now, the most romantic thing he's ever done for me is to promise to protect me from Elijah. This... He didn't have to. He didn't have to, but he still decided to help me and that made my heart flutter.

Question: "What is the lie you don't want him to believe?"

“It’s…. Complicated. Right now I don’t know a lot about him to be able to dive deep into his mind. But I know…. I don’t want him to believe the lie that he’s a monster. It goes further than his kink for milk. This? It works with my power incontinence when I am scared or aroused. Drinking milk from a breast doesn’t make one a monster! Having emotions and big feelings as well. I can tell he grew up lonely. His private quarters are empty. Impersonal. He doesn’t even have family pictures. He’s all alone. Ryan is maybe the only family he ever had.  He’s alone. He’s been isolated. And because he has been alone, he doesn’t want to be left alone. He needs to be loved. I can tell. I felt the same after my parents died. I felt the same when they were alive…. He’s not a monster.  He’s not unlovable. Look at me, I fell in love with him. So it is a lie, isn’t it?  Uh…. Right now. I think that the lie I don’t want him to believe is that I don’t want him. I do! I fucking do. He’s my man. He’s my man! Of course, I want him. Not just for fucking me. It’s not just sex. It’s… more than sex. He’s not a monster.”

xxx

That he is a death-bringer. Michael believes that Tommy kills anyone who loves him or works with him.  He told me he was worried that Tommy might have me killed just because he attracts death. Tommy… believed it after Grace died. I heard him

With Polly. I saw him at home. He believed she died of a bullet meant for him. Maybe… maybe she was the target… that doesn’t mean that he attracts death and shouldn’t be close to people.  He takes his distance from me. And I am left afraid and lonely because I don’t know how to pull him back to me. I don’t know how to reach out to him and help him feel better.  I fear he believes it. I fear that’s why he’s not home that much…. I fear that’s why he doesn’t want to marry me. Maybe he doesn’t think about it. Maybe he’s afraid that if we do it, I will end up dead like all of his lovers. It

Is a lie! Tommy isn’t a death-bringer! He is the man I love and a man who brought me back to life!  He…. He…. I promised I wouldn’t cry. I am sorry I failed…”

xxx

Baahal (modern) 

“The lie? Well… the lie I can’t let him believe is that he’s too old for me. I am not a child! I am 25! I am an adult already! Somehow I might look a little young, and behave a little like a naive woman but never, oh never would I be a child! Or too young to be with him! It terrifies me that he listens to that crap because if he does he would leave me. And I would be alone again. I would see his sister who will remain my friend but… but…. Are you happy! I am sobbing now! I don’t want to imagine us apart!”

xxxx

Baahal: (regular)

“I fret that my beloved knight still believes that he doesn’t deserve a second chance at life. It goes beyond us. Beyond me. It is about him. Jaime showed his bravery and his desire to do better. He had tried to become a better person and I think that his efforts paid off. He became better! He is better.  He paid already for the crimes and bad actions he did and while some might have been for selfish purposes, most of them were done because of love. Jaime had paid the price and lost most of his family. His brother and sister are all them at is left for him and I can’t…. I can’t imagine allowing the idea that he should be dead to fester in his mind. He deserves a second chance. A chance to be happy. A chance to become a father and to be in a legitimate and blessed relationship. I will do my best to keep him from believing a lie.”

xxxx

“Klaus…. Thinks he’s a monster who can’t be loved and who will always end up alone. This is a lie. This is a fucking  lie. It’s complicated. Our curses forced us to be alone, to lash out, to push others out. His curse isolated him. It’s complicated…. Because he is the first of his kind and that makes you a lonely soul. But he’s not alone. He isn’t. I am here. I love him. I…. Am falling in love with him. And I understand better than anyone else what it is to be alone. I am alone… I have been until I met him. So I will try and make sure that he knows he’s not a monster that deserves to live a miserable life on his own.”

xxxx

“Pride doesn’t believe in lies. However, I make sure that he doesn’t convince himself that he has no soul. That he can’t feel anything. This is a lie I have heard so many times. So many moons ago. This is false. He feels. He loves. He is. Superbia isn’t a weapon. He isn’t a creature or a monster. He is a sentient being. I know he holds himself in high esteem but even he isn’t immune to self-doubt. So I will make sure to remind him of how grand and beautiful he is. Always.”

xxx

“I don’t want Dean to believe that he is not someone who can be loved. I refuse to let him believe the lie that he is damaged goods. He’s not. He’s fucking not. He is the most loving man I have ever known. He’s a devoted family man. A man who gives so much love, not with his words but with his actions. He is a man people want to be with or become like. He is the man who keeps my heart safe in his hands. He is a man I admire. He is a man I love. And it kills me to know he still doesn’t think he’s lovable. It breaks my heart for him. So all I can do is love him harder. On days he doesn’t love himself. I love him for the both of us.”

On Tenet and Chris Nolan.

 (not trying to start a debate here.  If you didn't enjoy the movie, more power to you.) 

One thing I appreciate with Nolan's work is that it keeps you on your toes. It is a bit like a multilayered cake with different flavors and the more you dive into, the more surprised you are. Nolan has several recurring themes in his movies such as Time (by his own admission), but also his love for cinema, his dedication to his work, his fear of losing those he loves (to the art), the fear of becoming obsolete (or stuck in his art).  and the beauty of his movies is that you can always find something new. 

Tenet is a movie that seems very minimalist at first and when you watch it without thinking about it too much, it does seem like an original action movie with a very simple plot "a protag has to save the world from bad guys." But as soon as you know Nolan and his pet themes, you can start to see what it wants to convey. While discussing the movie a couple nights ago, it dawned to me that the movie could be understood through Nolan's lenses.

1) Nolan expresses his fear of being stuck (artistically speaking) and being unable to move forward and explore his art.  (the people from the future want to destroy the past. They don't want to move forward, by destroying the past, they suppress the future. it doesn't exist, progress isn't made. new ideas don't exist)

2) It is also a concern about the industry. We have been in a decade full of remakes, sequels, prequels and even soft retcons. Fortunately, we do have new and original projects that fare well in theaters and on streaming platforms but the tendency of nostalgia-baiting, franchise-milking that we see. (I won't deep-dive in it, but the whole 'people from the future walk backwards' is a hint)

3) He broke his usual way of telling stories  and while pushing the "concept" style of storytelling (I mean, the main character is called the protagonist), he went out of his comfort zone, which could be his way of saying he's reading to move forward in his art. He's ready to push the envelope (and we saw it in Oppenheimer! first a biopic and then he really filmed scenes he generally never does)

4) Nolan has always been afraid of losing his wife. They really love each other and she really is his everything (his words, not mine). He is always wary that his obsession for cinema (and his dedication to his craft) drives her away or that anything happens to her. Still, in his movies (the prestige, inception, heck even Batman, Tenet..) the wife is always one way or another hurt by her husband's work.  In Tenet, it's the refusal to move forward and explore, and the obsession with the past (past successes, fear of losing creativity, fear of losing mementum) that drove her apart from her husband.

5) Nolan fights himself in that movie. His desire to move forward in his craft is crippled by the fear of failure. The fear of losing inspiration. The fear of not finding his audience who will always remind him of his past triumphs and not follow him in his exploration.  but at the end of the movie, he fully embraces the unknown. He is ready to move forward. to explore. to let go of his fears. 

TLDR: yes, I'm that girl who is doing her best literature teacher impression.  Sorry, not really sorry. :p 

it's a leap of faith

 How does one do to deal with the uncertainty of Life? 

How does one do, to ask for help when needed? 

When the words crash against an invisible wall, 

When one wonders if their existence mean something to others.

Are connections real? Are the friends and companions sincere?

I guess it's a gamble. It's a leap of faith. 

I guess it's  a gamble and you could either win or lose.

Some connections break, sometimes off-screen, or chosen by you.

And you wonder if they knew how much you valued them.

And you wonder if they really cared for you, or told you fairytales!

Words, can we trust them? Isn't a person bond to their word?

In an ancient time maybe, words could just be spells.

Spells cast on you in order to placate your feelings, manipulate you.

And you give your heart and you watch it break.

Because those who claimed they loved you weren't being true.

I guess it's a gamble. It's also a leap of faith.

But there are nights when the heart breaks too hard. 

Where you can't really fight the intrusive thoughts.

You're convinced that they all hate you and laugh on your back.

You're convinced that the world would keep on turning, 

even without you.

Especially without you.

What is real? What is true? 

Why is fear strangling my heart? 

How can I be sure that "you" would not leave "me" behind?

Like all the others? Those before "you"? 

I guess it's a leap of faith. 

I guess it's a gamble. 

I guess it's a leap of faith.

The one I have for you. 

At the end of the day, all I know is that I love you. 

Trivia and Headcanons: Oya Edition

• Trivia and Headcanons: Oya Edition

// Because my baby has lots of trivia to share. :) 

• 
  
• Oya's age has never been specified, but she's currently 40. 

• Dean is the love of her life. She is loyal to him so do not try to seduce her, do not try to trash Dean in front of her, and do not even try to insinuate that Dean is not loyal to her. 

• Doya is the ship's name.  of all people Crowley is the one who uses it when he refers to the duo of Sam or Castiel. 

• Oya has deep scars on her arms, reminders of her recklessness during her fight against the Asanbosam. She is deeply self-conscious about them. 

• Oya is infertile and it can't be reversed. She's made her peace with it rather quickly. 

• She always has nightmares when she sleeps. She used to relive her family's slaughter, but she mostly has nightmares about losing Dean, Sam, or Castiel forever these days. 

• She is always excited when it comes to hunting. It's the same type of excitement one could have for extreme sports. 

•  She is well-versed in martial arts (Krav Maga, some Muay Thai, and African mixed-martial arts). 

• She speaks French, English, German, and  Spanish

• Team Free-Will is her family and she looks after them every single day.

• Dean is her soulmate. He is her other half and while they aren't "married" in the legal sense of the word, everyone considers that they are, indeed, a married couple. 

• Oya loves weird shit, she always buys corny aprons for Dean when she's on solo missions.

• Sarah and Joshua Thomas are her best friends/childhood friends. She would drop anything to help them. 

• Her weapon of choice is a customized golden Desert Eagle that belonged to her father's best friend Henry Thomas. She is decent with blades. 

• She is a rabid fan of Comic books and a nerd in general. They also were the only reading books she was allowed to freely choose. She quotes them and often compares people she knows with comic book heroes.

• Oya doesn't know how to cook. Don't let her try because she will destroy the kitchen at best or poison you at worst. 

• She calls Dean "Dickhead", Sam "Bookworm", and Castiel "Droopy" (it's endearing)

• Dean calls her "Bitch", Sam calls her "Gremlin" and Castiel calls her "Sparky" (it's endearing)

• Dean kisses her scars to help her get more comfortable with them. 

• Oya loves taking pictures and selfies. She has this tradition of always taking one with Dean (or whoever she hunts with)

• Oya steals Dean's shirts. So much so that he always has to buy spare clothes just in case.

• Oya knows and specializes in African magic, while she's not a witch, she can cast a few spells. 

• She met Dean's children and managed to build a rapport with Kira. 

• Speaking of Dean's children, she really took it badly that he didn't tell her he was a dad. It wasn't the fact he was a dad that bothered her, but the fact she had to learn it out of pocket (and by someone else) 

• She doesn't want the white-picket-fence type of life. She has the life she wants by Dean's side. 

• Oya sings to Dean when he's upset. She would hum and run her hand through his hair until he's calmed down or more comfortable. 

• Dean calms Oya when she has nightmares. He would usually speak to her and pull her into a hug so she would stop kicking and screaming. 

• Dean said to her that "they shared one heart" it stuck with Oya ever since. (and it's true)

• Oya is quite dominant. She needs to take charge. 

• Oya is short, very short and because of her height, Dean calls her Shorty. 

• Oya doesn't have great comebacks, if she were to rap battle, she'd lose every time. (Dean has fun with that)

• Dean cooks for the two of them. She loves when he does so and he loves doing it for the both of them. it's his love language. 

• Oya doesn't like angels. She resents them since her family was massacred by the Asanbosam. 

• Oya is terrified of Demons (Christian demons) due to her religious upbringing. 

• Oya was almost killed by the pagan god Pluto. Castiel was able to save her at the very last possible minute. This traumatized Dean who almost lost her.

• Oya is now slowly starting to forget the sound of her parents' and brother's voice. It's traumatizing her. 

• Dean and Oya don't believe in words. Both have been deceived by them and therefore, they only believe in action.  They have plenty of ways to show their love for each other. 

• Oya tends to scratch Dean's back when they have sex, which is something she loves to see the morning after. (she's smug about it) 

• Oya is a gorgeous woman, she knows her sex appeal and she uses it when she works a case.

• Dean always wears the pendant she sculpted for him. It's an enchanted wooden piece, shaped like a heart wrapped in thorns. It is supposed to help him retain his sanity if a witch casts a spell on him. He would always know who he is. 

• Oya used to think she didn't belong with the Winchesters and tried to leave. She used to keep a bag packed just in case she had to bounce but after Dean confronted her about it, she'd unpacked and had never packed her things again. She's here to stay.

• she also never lets up. especially when she has things to ask. Oya is stubborn and even Dean knows better than to try and swerve her.

• Oya's coping mechanism would be to go ride her bike at a fast speed when she's upset.

• She usually keeps her composure, even when she's upset at you. The only thing that would make her lose her mind would be if a child is a victim or if she wasn't able to save hostages of monsters. Loss of human life triggers her.  

• She doesn't fear death. She doesn't mind risking her life to save others. However, she doesn't want to lose Dean and she doesn't want to leave him behind (which makes her be more careful when she goes on a hunt)

-TBC-

Got (modern): Rumors Rumors on the wall

 Rumors had it that Bäahal Targaryen was seeing someone. She was amused by the reactions she got from the nosey people in her life. They all noticed that she was feeling more confident and looked bolder, sexier, and more invested in her charity work. Something was brewing in the air and they were excited to find out what. For years they had seen her reel from her breakup with Elias. She had focused on her charity work and tried her best to keep her personal life a secret. She appeared at parties and posted on social media but people didn't know more about the young woman. For years, they had seen her cry and look sad when she thought no one was looking at her, and people (especially tabloids) enjoyed seeing the sad heiress. Somehow, it brought her down to Earth, down to them. Somehow, she was also able to suffer and it both humanized her but also gave them some cruel satisfaction. 

But it had been a while since Bäahal looked sad. it had been a while since she felt worried and lonely. Something had changed and they watched her blossom in real-time. She was glowing, and clearly in love which made internet sleuths already eager to find out who was the lucky one? It was a hard game but they were up to the challenge and the crazy rumors going on. OH, She was seen laughing with an actor at a party? He's her boyfriend! Oh, she was seen posing with that model for a photoshoot? Oh, he was certainly her boyfriend too. And let's not even talk about the girls she would hug, the ones who would kiss her cheeks or even wrap their arms around her waist. they were her girlfriends. There were no clues and all the clues at the same time, which made the whole internet buzz. 

It amused the young woman who couldn't stop giggling from time to time when she was scrolling down her social media. They didn't know the truth. they didn't know how she felt nor who she actually was dating. The world was not ready for the pipebomb her relationship with Jaime was. The world wasn't ready to take this news and she definitely didn't want to be called the  "Modern Day Romeo and Juliette". . She didn't want nosey people who would try to break the good thing going with Jaime. Either way, that didn't prevent her from enjoying dating Jaime, speaking of which, she probably should contact him. He didn't really comment on the way people thirsted on him. He didn't comment on the way people ogled on her on social media. However, she knew he would find it amusing. 

-TBC-

Toxic productivity

Here I am again, with my random musings,

We've talked a while ago about the fact that most societies tend to value human lives by their productivity. They have to be productive to be considered either successful or just worthy of being alive. One of the things that bothered me as I grew up, was that people weren't interested in knowing who you genuinely were. It wasn't anymore about your taste in hobbies, your enjoyment of sports, or some -non-productive skills- such as singing, dancing, or the likes. NO. As I grew up, I realized that it was only the job I had. It was the salary I earned. I was the diplomas I earned. Nothing about who I was mattered. Some of my strongest friendships were made without me knowing exactly what type of job my friends did. The question was never asked (but rather, I'd wait for them to talk to me about their job instead), because that never defined a person's value to me.  

However, I found myself in several situations where your "job" as your "identity" and based on what you were doing, you were either dismissed or revered. Then, at my last job, I realized I only had value as an employee/ person by the workload I could handle. The bigger the workload, the more I became visible. It was so much that I ended up carrying half of that company on my back, main husband carried the rest on his. Others didn't care about anything but our productivity, even co-workers only asked questions about "how much work did you do today? could you take some of my own cause I couldn't handle them today? could you show me how you did?" One of my bosses even mistook me for someone else. Ahah, that's how bad things were. 

This led me to wonder why, as a writer, I ended up being frustrated when I wasn't writing "enough". I ended up chastising myself for not being good enough. How could I not be able to write a page a day, at the minimum? How could I need one or more days to rest because I have an art block? Why can't I be like Stephen King who writes books as he breathes? It becomes stressful and in turn, my body becomes sick. When I don't write/ sketch for a while, I feel like a complete failure because I wasn't productive. My value, my worth, suddenly becomes what I can make, which is a toxic way of thinking and very reductive. We are much more than what we can produce. We are much more than our jobs. we are not more worthy because we can work ourselves to death and no less because we can't handle a huge workload. 

Unfortunately, this is something that too many people still believe, and something so ingrained in our mentalities that moving away from this mentality is really hard, but necessary. My best friend, Nate, told me that we have to seek balance. Make sure that our work doesn't devour us and allows for family/ me time, and make sure that we remain careful and focused at work to keep things going. He told me that I shouldn't equate myself to the amount of work I can do and If I needed a few days before working on the book again, then I needed those days to be able to continue that book. That says nothing about who I am as a person or my worth. 

SO yes,  Being productive does give a nice feeling, and I would be a liar if I said I wasn't pleased to see the progress I made with my first draft. however, One should remain careful and not turn productivity into something toxic where we equate productivity with self-value and worth. It would quickly turn anything into a stressful moment and we don't want that.  We don't want that. 

Prayers to the Goddess of Hope

"Goddess of Hope, I pray to thee. 

I do not know who to turn to, but you. 

I know you will listen to me, and I know you will answer my prayers. 

I don't need my wishes to be granted, nor do I believe in fairytales.

All I am asking for is the strength to keep hope. 

All I am asking for is the strength to carry on because I believe in a better tomorrow.

All I am asking for is that you lend me your grace, so I could believe in myself.

I need to have faith in what I will be doing. 

I need to have faith in what I'm chasing after.

Goddess of Hope, I pray to thee. 

Bless me with your golden grace, pink locks, and intense golden gaze.

I beg of thee, I beg for thee, to bring some colors back in my grey world."

Pause

Pause. 

Breathe. 

Allow your thoughts to wander for a while. Life goes so fast that sometimes we don't have enough time to just stop and breathe. I  have been confused for a couple months now, watching as time kept moving forward and so did my life without actually taking the full grasp of the changes. I was just going with the wind and then the wind just became too fast and too hard to handle. so I stopped.

Pause. 

Breathe. 

Allow your thoughts to wander for a while. I realized that I was growing. the more I understand my surroundings, my history and my past, the better I become. I found strength in my introspection, I noticed the good, I projected myself towards a better future. I acknowledged my needs and desires. oh that part, especially the desires part had never really been put on the table until now. how funny things are when you think of it. 

Pause. 

Breathe. 

Allow your thoughts to wander for a while. Allow yourself to want the best in your life. I thought I was knee deep in the quicksand, never really thought that I was actually even more free than I anticipated to be. Yet, Here I am. Free in soul, free in body yet shackled in mind. Afraid to move forward, but aware of that fear. 

Pause. 

Lay down. 

Close your eyes. 

I took a big leap of faith. I chose to be where I am today and despite the challenges that arose, I'm still there, still fighting. still moving forward and still capable of love. Yeah. Love. it's my fuel. it's the reason I'm still here, remember? I love and I let others love me and I guess that no matter what happens, as long as I have this love, I would be able to move mountains. 

Besides, I've come a long way. what's not to celebrate? do I have to wait for something extraordinary to celebrate? No. there's no need for that. each day is already glorious, it's one more day with the living. it's one more day spent dreaming about a better life and one more possibility to be happy, surrounded with those I care about.  I've come a long way and this should be celebrated. each day. 

Every day.  

Zack Snyder's justice league review, spoilers

Alright, bear with me for a while.

Those past few days, one of the things that really made me happy was to see people who weren't sensitive to Zack's way of storytelling, actually pick up things, mostly the symbolism part, and enjoying this movie. I love watching discussions about superheroes (from the big two to the third parties) and especially have them discuss personalities, struggles, victories, and the likes.

I can appreciate Snyder, Nolan, sometimes Shyamalan, or even Tarantino filmmaking because they make films that aren't following a formula nor are made into standard movies. their movies make you think and are always multilayered. (to this day I'm still discussing Inception and whether or not Cobb's dreaming, the hateful eight also have a piece of wonders, regarding Samuel L. Jackson's character, etc..)

I've loved Man of Steel and I remember the pieces I wrote explaining why I loved his Kal-El (the immigrant experience, which I share with him. Him being literally a god but immensely human too (and frankly when you know his creation and all the little details surrounding it -did you know EL meant God in Hebrew? did you know that Kal meant either Voice or Ship? did you also know that the Nazi in 1940 did see him as a Jewish superhero given he was very Jewish-coded? when I write a piece about him, I will share the sources I found in a very nice article about it.) He wasn't perfect, he was just starting, he had to choose between the old ways (or traditions of his birth culture and in his case a civilization made of conquerors) or the ways he was raised with (or the civilization of his adoptive parents/ the country he lived in). He was a man who was living a life made of challenges -inner conflicts, outside conflicts- and yet he still CHOSE to do the right thing. yes, he made mistakes (but in superman 2 he also did fucking kill Zod, so what's that argument anyway?) and it was done with pain. yes, I know the consequences weren't "showed" but, I guessed that he dealt with it and decided to do better from now on.

I loved BVS and all the little things it said about the characters he introduced. Again, you understood that Batman crossed the line, mostly due to a traumatic event that broke him down so much that all the unaddressed traumas in his life (cue, his family's death) couldn't be tucked down in his heart. he just snapped. and it was his journey from the old, tired, disillusioned man who had one too many bad days towards redemption and the light. he achieved it by the end of the film because he was inspired, he was confronted with his own loss of humanity and regained it come to the end of the film. (and the filter does tell that story too. since at the end of the movie, "colors" return). Wonder Woman, also inspired by Superman, came back to the world once again and was so effin good during the short screentime she had that I wanted more of her.

JL... JL was a feast. Without spoiling too much for those who have not seen it, it was a journey.

It was a movie about second chances, redemption, rebirth, and grief. there was so much diversity in it (we saw a lot of different ethnicities taking front and center and filmed respectfully. ) it was a movie about gods who walked among humans (the DC comics always had that vibe) BUT who are extremely humans too. (thus, flawed).

Batman's arc was so beautiful. we had him operating on faith, we had him opening up to others, we had him healing from the trauma he had been through, with companionship, selflessness, and Hope. the epilogue scene was so beautiful when you realize that the manor is under construction, we're in Autumn, the lake is calm (cause water is such a BIG element in those movies), he's at peace with himself, finally. someone said rightfully so, that he fulfilled a promise he made and gathered people not out of anger or grief or revenge, but out of hope. Besides, he's so boss when he fights! like;... he's the most batman that will ever Batman. besides at various point others rally around him to protect him (cause he's the non-meta, an only human person there, so the most vulnerable) and at the end, superman just pulls him up so he could join the other gods (the new gods that are the justice league). he's their equal, despite his humanity and because of it. that made me tear up.

Gotham City also has a personality in this movie... so much so that I wanted a Ben Affleck movie about Batman and Gotham... for Yesterday!

Lois Lane also had her little arc about grief. every scene she was in there was rain (up until Superman came back to life, then the rain had stopped, the ground was wet but she was moving forward, finally accepting to 'come back to the living', more at peace with herself and the idea that she would never see him again). She also anchors Superman to his humanity as soon as they see each other again. (and saves Batman from him, like she saved Clark from him in BVS). I loved her arc, mostly because that was intimate, elegant, sweet, and respectful.

Superman: needless to remind that this is literally Jesus's story, right? but aside from the obvious, (you know, the butterfly which are symbols for rebirth? the sky color which reminded us we were at dawn, the fact he was looking back at the swing from when he was a kid? what we got instead was a man at peace with himself finally embracing everything about him. the most vibrant moment of this was when he was preparing to fly again. this time with words from both of his fathers, pushing him through and forward. and then he took off and then we have this renaissance painting vibe when he's in outer space, gorging himself with the sun. with the beautiful music that reminded us of Flight in MoS. I don't know why some people refuse to see that he's far more than just muscles and had been portrayed as far more than this but, okay I guess?

Wonder Woman: I'm sorry but have you seen the lore we got for her? we saw her culture, we saw diversity, we saw her sisterhood. we saw her be both fierce and without compromise, (during fights), adventurous and clever (please more of Lara Croft Wonder Woman), confident, respected (nobody objectified her, nobody questioned her words as well and people listened to her), she was strong in a physical way, strong emotionally as well, and yet, kind (the scene at the bank afterward? in all of her interactions with her teammates as well). she had her struggles and mentioned them, but unlike the others who were trying to figure it out and had just started to figure themselves out, she was already ahead of them. in this rare place between regrets and doubts yet confident enough to move forward and try. she was trying. you could tell (and she was clumsy while doing it. cue scenes with Bruce at the computer and Alfred and the tea). Her new theme is so much more badass and organic! albeit, I can understand why some people would be irritated to hear it over and over again. I loved it because it was different each time. the way they sang it wasn't the same :) conveying different emotions :D

Aquaman: He wasn't that much here, but we could see his struggle. have you noticed how the sea outside (so not his underwater scenes) was agitated. he was drinking which indicated he was trying to numb his wild emotions. the guy wasn't at peace at all. After all, he's a bi-ethnic man, with one of the sides being superpowered. not accepted anywhere and with an absentee mother. he was rejecting his responsibilities because he wasn't connected to these people and was still angry at what happened to him. (he never asked for any of this) and you see him take responsibility, care for his fellow teammates (he is the one who shows a lot of empathy for Victor, for the villagers and concerns about the rest too), NOT SOME DUDEBRO, I was so happy that he wasn't. besides the song used for him (It goes there's a king and a kingdom etc;.) was very fitting... melancholic, close to how he was feeling at this moment. and at the end, you can see that the water next to him is very calm.. as if Arthur was appeased and ready to move forward (which he did anyway). I'm so happy many people noticed too :D

Flash: He was.. oh he was so touching. this funny, kind, caring, and awkward person. you know, speaking a lot to hide his anxiety -at least he was coded as neurodivergent to me and having anxiety which led to him speaking this fast and having a hard time connecting with people-, he was Brave, determined, I legit cried when he got shot and had to do his mini-flashpoint. his relationship with his father, the hope, the perseverance, the unbridled joy when he was able to have "his foot in it". I love how they respected him and didn't go "Ewww weirdo" because he's probably neurodivergent. they just took him in and that's it. he understands his powers, so he's not looking into mastering them, his arc wasn't so much about him as a meta-human but more about Barry Allen. what that man could do, (not if he could do it), why he would it, who he is. we got a glimpse of it and I want more now.

Cyborg: Okay, phew... first of all... he's the heart of this movie okay? there are so many things to say about him but he's a good-hearted kid okay? selfless and boss as hell. He's a stand-in for people with physical disabilities (Zack said so), who are often seeing their agencies reduced by able-bodied people. they are often seen as less, as "broken" (like in the movie), and helpless. Victor's journey is so fantastic. he went from self-loathing, self-imposed isolation, anger/ issues with his father (who was an absentee father, too engrossed with his work) to someone who worked through the pain to understand the body he was in, make his situation "his" and own his life and destiny. he had all this power in the world and what does he do when he first uses it? he helps others. he was willing to sacrifice himself to save the world. he's as heroic as they get and he inspires his other teammates too. he's a hero, he's their equal in all the senses in the world and visually you can see his transformation. (yes, bits by bits because you can't heal in one big swipe of the finger. Healing takes time and for him, we can visually see it since his armor isn't completed. at the end of the movie, his head is held high, he smiles and he flies.)

I used to be Steppenwolf (at least when I was working at this horrible place. always trying to please the boss and former supervisor before I became their supervisor) and only to be disrespected by them like Steppy was. I loved him here, I felt for him so much. I loved Darkseid, (I mean... he was done justice here), I loved Desaad as well and wish we could see more of Granny goodness.

Maybe next time, I'll tell you all the little things we see when it comes to Darkseid and the almost-religion of Hell that comes with him in the very short scenes we saw (cause he gave me king vibe and god vibes and it's fitting since he's a god and a king too)

Well, all that was just to say that the movie is multilayered, comic book accurate, an experience to live. something I am very happy I got to see and sad we won't be seeing anytime soon. :)

Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk.