colby: Who was there?

"And who was there for me when I was breaking down? I am not a Madonna. I am not a saint, I am not without vices flaws, and fears. And what happens when I can't control it? What happens when I can't hide it anymore? Who is going to try and soothe my heart? Who is going to comfort me? Or should I remain silent and just take it, like I usually do? like I always do? Should I just let it eat away at my heart? 

You speak of me as if I was a cure to all of your ailments. As if I was not able to break down or be hurt when you're silent for months when you disappear and I have no goddamn idea of where you are and what you're doing. When you're so far away I can only pray for your safe return because I can't sleep at night. I can't when I imagine Arthur would come to me and tell me you're dead. I can't when I can see our son cry his eyes out because he saw your dead body in the streets. I can't because I know what you're looking for and why you're trying too damn hard to die. 

The only thing that crosses my mind on nights like these, is why I failed you. What didn't I do to help you? How could I let you suffer in silence, long enough for you to try to join your loved ones on the other side?  the only thing that crosses my mind is that I didn't love you enough because if I did... you'd feel better....So don't tell me that I'm your guardian angel. Don't tell me that I am a saint. Don't tell me that I have helped you when I can clearly see you're breaking down too.... so... I ask again... when all is said and done, who is going to comfort me when I am breaking down?"

A vintage's touch: " I remember."

(Mary - PB)

"I remember when you asked me why I wanted to jump right back into this life. Right there, you were standing a few feet from me. You were smoking, and your jaw was tense. you ran your hand through your hair. I saw the conflict in you at this moment. You wanted to keep me close, but you also wanted to protect me from this life. Perhaps, I should have known by then that you were in love with me and just weren't ready. I guess I was frustrated and scared and maybe I should have been explicit that night.

Fuck, I'm scared. I'm scared, okay?! I am in love with you. Everyone knows it.....Including you! I'm sure you do. I just don't want to replace Grace. I don't want you to think that I want to replace your wife, because I don't. I am me. I am Mary. I am that Orphan girl who grew up in an abusive orphanage run by sadistic nurses. I am that teen who got married way too early to a liar and a gross older man. I am the mom of a child who didn't have the chance to live more than 30 minutes. I drink to forget. I sing to forget. Who would want to be with a woman like me? I know you can't possibly want me and I don't want to be upset or heartbroken.

Fuck! I'm scared. I'm scared okay? Because I know you are reckless with your life. You're burning it so fast. I don't want you to burn to a crisp. I need you, Tommy. I need you...I love you. I...just... I'm frustrated because I don't know what you want. I want to give you everything. I want to become your wife. I want to have your child...Am I asking too much? is it something you actually want? I don't know what you want, you don't let me in. Not fully, that is. You don't have to, but l please, don't let me pin it for you. Don't let me believe in things that would never be.

I remember that conversation we had at my birthday dinner. You trying your damn best to understand this very simple thing. I want a life with you, Tommy. I want a life with you because I am in love with you and yet, I am losing my mind because I am convinced that Polls is wrong and you don't share my feelings. I guess... I'm just frustrated... I guess."

A vintage's touch: "the fear within"

A vintage's touch: "the fear within"

// I love our babies <3

"Distance is exactly what  you should want." It felt like an eternity since Tommy tried to push Mary away from him. He remembered trying to hold back from her, to keep her within arms reach but far away from his aching heart. He knew he would hurt her, whether he wanted it or not. he would hurt her because of the life he lead. He would hurt her because....Because... Tommy had tried to reason with Mary on her birthday night. He had tried to keep things the way they were between the two of them because if he didn't let her in if he truly wanted her then how could he look away from her? He hoped for Mary to go with the motion and accept that there would be nothing between the two of them, that the status quo would work best. Deep down, Tommy was hoping she would not have him look into his heart and that she would not awaken feelings he swore to never feel again. Tommy was terrified, he was terrified of the feelings he felt for Mary. Polly clocked him right. She realized he was in love with Mary way before he could admit it to himself. She knew that Tommy would be scared of Mary being harmed. She knew he wouldn't be able to recover if she was hurt, especially if it was because of him. grace's Death taught him a thing or two and he wouldn't be caught failing Mary the way he failed Grace.

"You know exactly the kind of danger that this life can bring down on you. You just escaped all the shit that your husband brought down on you. Why would you want to go diving right back into it, eh?" Those words....Tommy said them in hopes that Mary would give up. He was hoping that she would be safer if they didn't explore their feelings for each other. Tommy knew he wasn't blind. He knew that Mary was in love with him. He knew it from everybody (yes, even Arthur was able to see it) and he knew it from her, from the behavior she had whenever he was here. He knew he was the only one to make her laugh, the only one who could help her feel safe and relaxed. Hell, he knew the way she felt when they were sleeping next to each other. Her heartbeats were calm and steady, and her breathing was relaxed and soft. When she was in a deep sleep, Tommy sometimes looked at her peaceful face and the wild locks that fell onto it. He let his fingers brush over the soft skin of her shoulders and he could feel her warmth. She was so warm... so soft... so sweet when she whispered his name or when she chuckled and nuzzled his neck before she fell asleep. It was nice, come to think of it, to be able to sleep next to someone who cared for you. It was nice to have one's nightmares cease to exist because she was lying next to you. Who was he kidding? Tommy was in love with Mary. She knew it too. 

"I will only hurt you." Loving a Shelby wasn't the easiest task for anyone. It was either pain or death and rarely happiness. Yet, Mary managed to help them have a good life. She was a good woman, that much he could tell. She was a good woman and she made his son... their son, happy. She was a good woman and she made him happy. But Tommy had his own demons to fight, and the ghost of Grace was still lurking, the past of debauchery and his former lovers were still there. Alcohol, cigarettes, sex... so many vices he had and couldn't part ways with, so many reasons to hurt the woman he loved.  He had not cheated on her, per se, but before they had sex a second time, Tommy fucked women. May Carleton, Jesse Edens, unnamed whores, you named it, he fucked it.  Just days before Mary and he got together, he had fucked Lizzie, all transactional in his mind but not in hers. That hurt Mary, Tommy could see it plain as day.  he hurt her and still, the nurse stayed by his side.  She called him out on it, but she remained. Still, he warned her but she told him she didn't care, she knew who he was and what he did. She could take it. 

"If someone else fucking touched you, I'd have to kill him like I did the others, now wouldn't I?" Those words came off like a warning but in truth, they hid the fear that had been eating Tommy away ever since Mary came to live in his house. He was terrified of her finding a better suitor than him. He wouldn't be able to accept it, to handle it, the idea that someone, somewhere, was able to snatch his girl off of him. The idea that someone would charm Mary and show her something he could not give her which is stability was haunting the Shelby. The idea that she found someone who would treat her right, who would be everything he wasn't: without blood on his hands, without the urge to conquer the world, and who would be present in a way that he wasn't. He couldn't handle being left by Mary. He couldn't handle losing the one person who made him feel whole, alive, and loved. Mary... As soon as he finally noticed her, caught his attention with her kindness and understanding. She was compassionate, she understood him. She knew who he was and what he was and never once, tried to change him. She never asked him to become someone else, she never asked him to stop trying to reach for the sky. She loved him as he was. She loved him as he was.... and it could all disappear if he didn't pay attention. She could be gone if he didn't make her feel loved and with Mary gone, his last shred of sanity would go too.  So he was afraid, more than he cared to admit. he was afraid... but all of this vanished upon seeing her. 

-TBC-

GoT: Jaime

Jaime:

"How cruel life is at times, to make me find my soulmate only to make it impossible for us to be together. I once thought you were dead, Jaime, my beloved Jaime. I once thought you were dead and the only thing I have wanted to do was to find you and give you a proper burial. I made it a mission. I made it my only goal but deep down, I was praying to the seven gods, old and new, that you would have survived somehow, and instead of a pile of bones, I would have found your arms. Oh, Jaime. If only my sister could see you as I do. If only she could see how brave of a man you are. How honorable you are. It is true that you have killed our father, but you have done so in order to save the many, and to me, this is the most important. I do not cry about the loss of a father I have never known. I do not mourn for the vile creature who hurt my mother and whose spawn I am. I do not regret his death and I wish Daenerys wouldn't either. If only she could see you as you are. You are a man of your word, a man bound to your promises. I might not have known you on the battlefield, so I cannot sing your praise, however, I have seen you defending the living during the last war. I saw you come alone, with no support from the Usurper on the throne. I saw you defend humanity and Life itself and you have always been a kind and caring man to me. How cruel life is at times, to consider that we are not a good match because of the name you carry. To consider that we are not a good match because of the crimes committed by your blood....alas... I cannot ignore the crimes you committed... but I can... I can... I wish...I wish she could see you the same way that I do and see how big your heart is, how brave you are, and how deeply in love you are with me just as I am in love with you. Whatever happens, please know that I will forever keep your heart with me and you will always keep mine with you. I swear it to the gods. I swear it on my dead mother's grave. I love you, only you."

A vintage's touch: Girls night out

 "Ada took Mary out, almost dragging the woman out of the Grace Shelby Institute. It had been difficult to get her to relax and have fun without Tommy or Charlie. It had been even more difficult to actually take her mind off of the issue Lizzie had with her. Mary had recovered from the slap, however, she wasn't comfortable with Lizzie still being able to attend family event. She was a friend of the family and Mary understood how emotions worked, however, she still had conflicted emotions regarding the woman. 

Ada wanted to help Mary feel comfortable again and so, that night, they went out. Both women turned heads, and as expected, were bothered by a couple of drunkards. However, Ada's sass enticed Mary and influenced her to dish her own brand of sass to the unfortunate men who tried to shoot their shot.  They talked, about life, about their dreams, and about their frustrations. The brunette tried to make Mary confess her feelings for  her brother, or at least, tried to discuss how Lizzie's meddling made her feel. 

It didn't work. Mary was holding back on how she truly felt for Tommy, despite both women knowing exactly how she felt. Ada realized that it was perhaps too early for Mary to confess her love for Tommy. She still needed time and Ada wanted to give it to her, but she also wanted to let her know that she was already part of her family. She wanted Mary to know that she was accepted. She wanted to discuss that matter but Mary's resistance to it made it impossible that night. It was alright, they had fun otherwise. "

A vintage touch: (PB): Temptation

//

XXXX

"Tommy?"

Polly's voice was a distant echo for Tommy wasn't listening. His icy blue eyes were scanning the room, noticing how crowded the place had suddenly become since he arrived. He watched people and their behavior and took mental notes he would use later for himself. Mary had organized a charity ball for the biggest donors of the Grace Shelby Institute. She needed to show them the results of their donations, help improve the institute's reputation and help more children as a result. She knew what she was doing, obviously, because the room was packed with influential people, donors, and would-be donors.  Most of them were from the upper class and they decided to do some charity to buy themselves a place in Heaven. None of them cared for the orphans. None of them cared for the children, because if they cared for them, they would have made better investments. there wouldn't be a need for an institute. 

"Tommy!"

Polly's voice didn't reach Thomas Shelby who was worried. He didn't like the idea of having so many people crowding a place he liked and having Mary in the spotlight. There lay his biggest worry. She chose to make a show that night, make sure she would sing, and win over the hearts of the upper society who would feel more inclined to spend their money. It also was the first time she would introduce herself to that society, made exclusively of white Christians who would not take it very well to have a black woman at the head of such a prestigious institution. Of course, they noticed the MP Thomas Shelby, and his presence alone was enough to reign in the most vitriolic behavior. It couldn't stop them, however, from letting go of snide comments or insults and Tommy was nervous about it. 

"Tom!" -Polly raised her voice, snapping the Shelby out of his thoughts- "Finally! you're back with me. Ada is talking to the donors you were the most suspicious of, Arthur isn't drinking... too much. He's sober for now. I asked Finn and Isaiah to keep an eye out for trouble. Johnny is also on the lookout, we should be alright tonight."

"Good. Good. It's a very high-profile event. I don't know why I agreed to let Mary do this." -he wanted to smoke, his fingers were itching and his throat was dry.- 

"She's not alone tonight, Tommy. We're here. Her family's here." -That sentence had the Shelby elder look at Polly with an inquisitive gaze. Why would she say that they were Mary's family? Now, of all the days she could have chosen?-

"As long as she sees us, I think she'll be fine." -Polly squinted her eyes, studying the features of her nephew.-

For the untrained eye, Tommy would seem cold and distant, but the truth was, he was beyond stressed about the night. Sure, he did find some comfort knowing that the family was surrounding and protecting Mary, but something didn't sit well with him. He was worried about the reactions others would have upon seeing the woman. Great Britain wasn't exactly a holy land that welcomed all, regardless of religion, race, or even wealth. It was a fucking cesspool of selfish people who wouldn't hesitate one bit and would hurt Mary the first chance they get. Hurt Mary...His Mary! He couldn't accept it. It had only been a very short while since he acted on his feelings and gave in to her, on her birthday night. They grew closer, had sex... made love and she slept in his bed. His bed... It wasn't just making love, it was a connection he still refused to acknowledge today because if he did, it would be too late. If he did embrace his feelings for Mary, he wouldn't be able to backpedal, minimize those emotions or bury them. He would feel them all, and he would feel them hard. 

Still, they made love. Still, it felt right. Still, it went beyond anything he'd ever felt with anyone. Since Grace. That night changed everything and the lies he kept telling himself to stay away from her didn't work any longer. On one hand, he treated her like family. Treated her to the nicest places, put her in his Last Will, and kept her in his house and around his son. He was jealous beyond rationality. Tommy couldn't bear the idea of another man touching her, fucking her, loving her. He couldn't bear the idea of Mary leaving his home, because it also was hers now. She lived there. She was his! But on the other hand, Tommy wanted to protect her at all costs from his lethal hand. He wasn't very lucky with love and family, most of the people he loved ended up either dead or with their lives ruined. Mary had suffered enough, as he saw it; He couldn't cause her more grief because of his never-ending ambition, the danger he would most certainly put her in, the heartache, the PTSD... He couldn't take the risk to see the disappointment in her eyes because he would screw up something or would make a decision that would hurt her. 

"You sometimes have me wonder Tommy." -He lifted a brow, inviting Aunt Polly to speak more of her mind. She always had a way with words and she always seemed to know the things he kept to himself.- "I sometimes wonder if you're more afraid to witness Mary be hurt or if you're afraid someone might actually sweep her off of her feet." -He took a deep breath and took a glass of whisky a waiter was carrying on a silver platter.- "Uh...If I didn't know you so well, I would say that you are afraid someone comes to take her away. You might be, but you're more concerned about her safety, aren't you?"

Polly was spot on. These kinds of events were the perfect opportunity for people to meet and he knew that among those fine gentlemen -swine- there might have been someone who was an honest man and who could actually seduce his Mary. Tommy refused to let it happen, he couldn't even consider it. However, she was right, more than losing Mary to another man, he didn't want to lose her. She would become very exposed in a couple of minutes and she would have all eyes on her, meaning that she couldn't actually remain anonymous. He didn't want her to become a target because of her association with the Peaky Blinders, but who was he fooling? The world already knew she was affiliated with the Peaky Blinders back when she was still a waitress singing at the Garrison Pub. 

"She's gonna be alright. Arthur's here. We are all here. I have my eyes on her." -Tommy chose to ignore Polly's teasing words and focus on the most important, Mary.-

 He had not seen her ever since he entered the reception room. Most of the presentation was done by the current head of the institute, so Mary had not appeared yet. Tommy couldn't wait any longer, frustration was taking over, so he chose to take a cigarette out, rub it over his lips, lit it, and inhale a puff. Polly squinted her eyes and curled her lips into a pout. She understood given the level of stress and worry, that something had changed between the two and supposed that they probably finally made love again. The only moment she ever saw Tommy this stressed was during his wedding with Grace. He was on a loop of his own, with ideas polluting his mind and begging for release.

"Tommy?" -He ignored her for a while, prompting the older woman to repeat his name several times.- "Tommy?!" -He didn't answer, his eyes still looking around for the young woman. Where was Mary? Was she talking to someone? And if yes, who? - "Tommy!!"

"What?! Polly?" -He groaned and rolled his eyes, blowing his smoke in front of her.- "I don't see Arthur, he's supposed to be inside and I don't see him! Is he drinking again?"

"He is sober. He wanted to be to make sure he wouldn't miss anything. He is as concerned as you are about Mary's safety. Calm down!"

"Why did you ask for me then, Polly?" -He asked, his jaw clenched and he nervously put the ash on some nearby flower pot.-

"Something is different about you.  Did you two fuck again?" -He would have blushed. He would have if he was a different man. He would have coughed, probably adjusted his collar and he would have probably lie-

"That is none of your c--" -He was interrupted by the voice of the current headmistress of the Institute. She introduced Mary, explaining what was about to happen. The donors were in for a treat. Mary had 3 songs to sing and would be supported by a choir of orphans.-

Arthur found Ada who was standing on her own with a glass of champagne. Her blue eyes set upon her older brother who was nervously walking in circles. Arthur was sober, and that was not a state of mind he actually liked because his thoughts were way too clear, way too painful. He remembered Grace's Death and the guilt he felt for not having been able to save his sister and the pressure put on his shoulders to ensure the protection of his new sister. He wanted a drink, Ada could tell, so she offered her glass of champagne, knowing her brother wouldn't get drunk on champagne. 

"I'm nervous."

"She's going to sing, and in this room, there are some of the most important people in the country. They are well-protected. Mary would be fine." -She handed him her glass- "Drink, Arthur. Loosen up a bit."

"Thanks." -He was hesitating a little bit, but he ended up taking the drink of his sister- "Do you think they would riot?"

"Is it what you're afraid of?  Of people being bloody racists? You know what, if they are, then we will treat them like they deserve to be treated. We will show them that nobody disrespects our Mary."

"You like her! I knew it! you like her." -Arthur grinned and emptied the glass of champagne- "Tommy also likes her." -Ada nodded and crossed her arms above her chest.-

"Tommy is an idiot. I don't know how he does it. She's been there this whole time, caring, loving, absolutely in love with this idiot and my brother isn't even able to notice it. I have never seen him so happy. I'm frustrated with him, Arthur."

"I am frustrated too. I don't think he believes Mary could go. She won't wait for him forever." -Ada looked at her older brother, up and down before a grin crept on her lips and she nodded-

"I'll drink to that." -But as the round of applause became louder and the delicate voice of Mary finally echoed through the whole room, both Arthur and Ada looked at the stage where the Headmistress was still on and watched as Mary appeared.-

Tommy's eyes grew wide as he looked at her. She was wearing a beautiful white and gold flapper dress that enhanced the curves she usually hid with larger clothes -as the current trend demanded-. The dress was sleeveless and she was wearing white gloves. On her perfect curls was a silver roman crown and she had pearl earrings to complete her look. Mary was stunning and Tommy felt his heart race in his ribcage. Polly looked at him, wondering if she was right about her assumptions. Tommy and Mary had sex, and she knew it because of the way he kept trying to look for the woman. She could tell he was concerned about the way others perceived her, and perhaps that also was part of his concerns. Would Tommy be able to keep his cool if someone disrespected Mary? Would he be able to refrain from violence or petty revenge if someone was trying to hit on her? Would he be able to contain himself? 

Mary was nervous, Polly could tell. She was smiling as she introduced the first song she was going to sing. It was a very energetic song, which put her front and center and forced the audience to pay attention to her. Tommy had to struggle to tear his gaze away from her. He noticed the way people looked at her. There was a deafening silence upon her first appearance as people didn't know how to react to her. She was, indeed,  a black woman. -despite how light her skin was, her features, curves and the tone of her skin betrayed her African ancestry-. She was a black woman who had responsibilities -Head nun? - and one who had organized the event of the night. They were skeptical, some even laughed at her sigh and whispered between themselves -or brazenly spoke, within earshot of Tommy- about how unnatural it was for them to have Virgin Mary sing to them. Some others called them vulgar for the curves she had the nerves to have. Tommy snapped at them, already losing his cool upon those assholes, and shut them down with a few good quips.

Mary looked around at the audience, noticing that they weren't sold on her performance just yet. She didn't lose her motivation, instead choosing to continue to perform. Music was universal, and she knew that if she persevered, they might be invested in the show. They looked, it was a start. So she danced, turned on her heels, moved her shoulders, and started to seduce the audience. In truth, Mary was looking for Tommy in the audience. She wanted to see him and dedicate the show to him but he was nowhere to be seen, which made her nip at her bottom lip.  The Shelby elder was mesmerized by Mary. The confidence she had when she was dancing was infectious and Tommy heard some nice compliments coming from the people around him. This soothed his heart, knowing that people were appreciative of Mary and he wouldn't need to fight them all night long. -Or would he?-.  She kept singing and dancing, and the children who were doing the choir were also enjoying themselves, warming the atmosphere. Polly smiled and looked at Ada who was enjoying the show and Arthur who was clapping his hand, literally living the song. 

Tommy relaxed upon seeing the change of behavior. He walked closer to the stage, where people were a lot more invested in the show as Mary chose to settle for something with a different mood. It was a very sensual song, it only was conveyed through the lyrics and her voice. She sat on a stool, legs crossed, her intense green eyes staring at the audience. She still hadn't found Thomas but she kept looking for him. The song outraged some devout women who clutched at their pearls and elbowed their husbands to stop looking at this temptress with those eyes filled with envy. Envy...Lust. Tommy could see those men staring at his girl, admiring her gorgeous curves, enjoying her uncanny beauty and the magnetic charisma. She was gorgeous, she was sexy and despite their first apprehension, some actually drank in the sight before them. It irritated Tommy to no ends, to see other people visibly imagining doing things to the young woman. Some even joked about taking her out after her performance, while others wanted to do far more. 

Part of him actually enjoyed the fact she was desired. He was a proud man and he enjoyed being looked at with envy. He enjoyed when others appreciated the beautiful women he was with, the nice cars, nice clothes, and everything that could make other people want to either be him, or be with him. However, he disliked the way they were drooling over her. He hated the thought of one of them trying to steal his girl from him. He hated the fact that someone could just come in and sweep her off of her feet. Things were complicated for the Shelby. He wanted her near, he wanted her with him and yet, yet... he couldn't even begin to admit that he wanted it. He was worried that his curse would also get to her, so what could he do? eh? What could he do? Finally the song ended and Mary received a second round of applause. 

"The last song is very special for me. It is a love song. If you ever love someone, I want you to sing this song to them, let your hearts speak." -She said, taking her breath back before she put her hands on her chest. Her heart was racing in her ribcage, hitting hard, way too hard for her to handle but she decided to take a deep breath.- "The name of the song is, 'don't be Afraid' "- She looked in the audience and finally found Tommy who was standing a couple feet from her, both hands in his pockets.

"Go and wreck their hearts, Mary!" -Ada whispered and bit, watching the young woman take her breath back and gently help the children leave the stage. Polly joined them and gently wrapped her arm around Ada's waist -

Mary was alone, at the center of the attention but with her eyes set upon Tommy. For a moment, there was nothing but them. He was attentive, knowing full well that she was singing for him. The music started and she slowly started to sway, smiling gently at Tommy. Her beautiful and clear voice started to fill the room and she sang. She sang her heart out, hitting high notes, claiming her love for Tommy and while she didn't say much, the Peaky Blinder heard her clearly and his heart, oh his heart started to beat hard, soaking her emotions up, hearing the words she had not said to him. He knew that she wasn't ready to say them, just like he wasn't ready to hear them, but both knew they had feelings for one another. both knew that they cared for the other. Both knew... they just knew.  He just couldn't give into those feelings. How could he take the risk to hurt Mary? How could he force a lifetime of suffering and pain, and even worst, Death? Losing Grace had done a number on him, it opened a wound that had not stopped bleeding and he left the Shelby's heart in shambles. 

Mary ended her song, to a thunderous applause, yet she noticed the tear that had escaped from her right eye. A tear she cried when she sang about giving a second chance to love. The woman felt vulnerable but she was unable to rest because a sea of people requested her attention. She thanked them and slowly  exited the stage to rest a little in a room adjacent to the main room. Tommy was snapped out of his reverie by Arthur who had joined him and patted his brother's shoulder. He was proud, the checks were coming, the donors chose to give more money to the institute thanks to the performances. They asked for Mary, some of the women wanted to know about the clothes and the hairstyle she had that night, others wanted to see her perform again, while some of the men made a variety of comments, from the excited one upon the enchanting show that was given that night, to the crudest comments that  had Tommy roll his eyes for a second before he clenched his jaw a little harder. 

"There are too many people, Arthur. Too many with bad intentions. Too many who could hurt her. I could hurt her."

" She knows who you are, brother. She knows who you are, and yet she's still here." -He patted Tommy's shoulder- "She's still here. Go find her, I think she'd like to see you in a quieter place." 

He nodded and Tommy responded in kind, before he grabbed a cigarette he lit and started to walk towards the restroom where Mary was using. His heart was beating way faster now, faster than he wanted. yet, he couldn't stop himself from walking towards her. Could he ever? 

-TBC-

Mary (PB): What do you think when you look at him?

Mary (to Lizzie): "You think you know him. You think you care about him, but Lizzie you don't. what you care about is you and only you. what you care about is a Thomas Shelby who doesn't exist. you claim you love the gangster but you want him to make you proper. you want him to erase your past as a whore as if it was something you should be ashamed of. you did what you had to do to survive and nothing is going to erase this shit. You wanna know what I see when I look at Tommy? I see the man I could take a fucking bullet for. I see a man who needs comfort, protection, and someone who understands him. I think about how I could help soothe his mind and keep him alive so he could see his son grow up. I think about how I could help him to the best of my ability. I think about the rest of the family too. there's more than just Tommy Shelby. there is his family too who I happen to love as mine.  and you wanna know something. when I look at him, I think about how good it is when he fucks me. I get to sleep in his bed, I get to live in his house and he gets to moan my name when he's fucking me unlike all the times he fucked you wishing you were someone else.  he soothes me and showed me that God has not forsaken me because he gave me somebody to love. So, keep your nasty tongue into your fucking mouth and stop trying to make me leave this man cause it's never gonna happen."

XXXX

Mary (To Polly):  "Poll...Polly. you know damn well what I am thinking when I look at Tommy.  You know how hard my heart beats when I set my eyes on him. You know I have studied his face enough to know how he feels without having him spell it out to me. I know every little crease, every little smirk, every eye twitch...Polly... when I look at him, I wish he was my first husband. I wish he was the man I gave everything to, but I can't. we can't go back in time, Polly.  Aaah...Tommy fucking Shelby stole my heart, that's what I am thinking about when I look at him. I can't imagine living without him. I can't imagine another man in my heart but him. What does that make me, Polly? I don't know. I don't know what that feeling is, but I know that I would give everything for him. But...I am not going to accept everything. I'm not going to let him stick his dick everywhere and consider me as nothing but a prop, or a hole to fill. I am more than just a girl to fuck you know? I refuse to be just a girl he can fuck when wants. I might not have the name, I might not have a family, and I am not a Shelby but I damn right can go head to head with one. uh... what do I think when I look at him? I think about running my fingers through his hair, while he reads the newspapers. I want to sing lullabies to him so he could sleep well at night. I want to protect him from his nightmares at night. Do you think I am losing myself to him? come on, Polls. you know that he also gives me something. I feel seen... protected... cared for. I mean something to him, whether he wants to admit it or not. I mean something. he makes me feel that I am part of this family and he makes me feel like a woman. I don't have much in this life, but he is my everything and I am going to make him feel like it!"

xxxxx

Mary to Tommy: "You want me to tell you what I have in mind when I look at you, eh? You want me to tell you how I feel when I set my eyes on you? I don't think you want to know. I don't think you want me to say it because I know you don't think the same.  you don't think the same because if you did, there would be no May. there would be no Lizzie. there would be no other woman in your bed but me.  So, I will go ahead and let you know what I think when I look at you. I will let you know and you won't say anything to me. Don't you dare say anything to me because I don't want you to tear me apart! I don't want you to tell me what I already know. You don't get to break my heart with your words, okay? let me do it for you. let me do it to myself so I stay in my lane. Because... when I look at you, I want to wrap my arms around you. I think about how much I want to see you smile. I want to comfort you at night and make sure you have no more nightmares. I want to sing you lullabies, with a hand running through your scalp. I want...you to be happy. that's what I am thinking about. I want to be a part of that happiness too, but I know I will never be. I know... but still. I see you and I want to kiss you. I want to cook you lovely meals. I want to raise your son and protect him. I want...I think about how sweet you are when you are sleeping. I think about you and Charlie as my family. I think about you as my family... and the Shelbys as my family. I look at you and I see an exhausted man who had sacrificed everything and who needs to be told that he is alright. that he did right. that he is loved. and you are loved. you are so loved Tommy... I ... I ... CHrist. I am an idiot ain't I? I am stupid, you can say so...you can say so...but I want you to be happy and if that is without me, then so be it.  I just want you to be happy... oh Tommy.. fuck you, Tommy! Fuck you and your beautiful blue eyes. Fuck you and your suave voice that makes me weak in the knee, and the kisses you give me. fuck you and how good you feel inside of me. fuck Thomas Shelby's cock and the way you look at me when you say my name. fuck you and the fact you make me crave that fucking cock. Fuck you and the fact I fell in love with you.... fuck you for making me love you while you knew you couldn't love me...I am stupid... I know...so don't you dare mock me. don't you dare fucking mock me?"