Happy New Year 2022

Happy New year Lovelies!

I wish I could say it's a new chapter or that it's a clean slate but is life really that easy to understand? do we really have the ability to start over? I guess not, at least I don't think so at this specific moment. What I do know, however, is that Life always gives us the ability to grow, flourish, overcome, and discover. Life always finds a way, no matter how dire the situation is. At least, she gives us breathers.

So, this year there is just one "resolution" or goal if you will. This year, all I really want is to keep giving love. I want to still be able to give love to others and to keep learning how to love myself. I tolerate my existence, enough to not try to self-harm anymore. I know it's fragile, I know I can go back to hurting myself again but I want to keep trying pushing forward. I want to keep trying to heal.

I believe that love can help us all. from love, we can find strength. From love, we can flourish and hope and protect. From love, we can save other lives and ourselves. Love is a powerful feeling, as beautiful as it is ugly and raw and painful. Love, when handled with care can transform people and change lives. Love is Hope and Hope is Life.

So this year, all I can really hope for is for Love to find its way into our hearts and my own.

Please, take care of yourselves and know that I care for you.

Always and forever

Happy holidays 2020!

Art : Leonealart

Asma Jensen + outfit design © yours truly/ Kaedegirl/ Marlène Mongue-Din

year : 2020

2020, what a year!

I will, of course, write a short Christmas message with the traditional Santa Thong by Lelia, when she releases it:D but until then, this is a Holidays post:)

I know this year has been dreadful, complicated, complex, riveting, incredible, exciting to some and many of you. I can just wish that this end of the year finds you well, find you surrounded by your loved ones. I can only hope that the end of the year would at least help you breathe a little. I'm very proud of my lovelies who went through hell for some but survived, who lived their best lives to others. Look at us today. We're badasses. <3

Aside from the disbelief that we would be facing a pandemic, I think I have not anticipated this year as well as I could have. Unlike many, I cannot say that everything was a nightmare, that would not be true. Yes, I went through a lot of hardships, but unlike 2019, this year I was far more hopeful for my future. I decided I would not speak of those hardships in detail, at least not in this post but for the past couple of months, I have been heartbroken, anxious, in anguish, and definitely worried about my future. I had to make tough decisions and my anxiety filled my head every night. It was difficult to take care of my mental health during the height of the pandemic in my country, even more, when the therapist I was seeing -a trauma specialist- ended up not being compatible with me. But you know what they say, always get back up when you're knocked down. So I kept going.

I can't believe I finally made it and have officially quit my job. It had to be one of the hardest decisions I had to make and It took me a year of inner-debate and discussions to finally make it happen. My family and friends were of great support because they understood what I was going through. I left an abusive job, with incompetent and abusive managers. I left a job that sent me on medical leave and forced me to think of my health. I decided I had enough, and would never suffer the way I did for a heartless job that would quickly replace me should I die. I held onto the hope I would not suffer any longer and here I am... I made it!

Aside from this, it's also a year I've been very active with my personal projects. My book has consistently been going, hopefully, come to the end of the year 2021, it'll go to editing and translation in English too. My Poem Anthology « Misadventures of Eros and Thanatos » would be finished come next year and I will resume sketching as well. I'm so excited because being an artist is who I really am even though I am still fighting my head in order to make it happen. Little by little I'm getting there, and this year, I reconnected with that part of me. I have hope for the future and I hope that you would be aware of what's going on very soon! Thank you to those who've been supporting me all those years. I won't let Asma down. Ever <3

But I think the biggest treasure this year gave me was definitely just coming to the realization I have found the love of my life. Main Husband has always been open to discussion, he is honest, sincere, loving, and romantic at heart. He's very funny and I think I can't get enough of his tacky sense of humor or his passion for cinema. I can't get enough of his gentle touch or his presence. I can't get enough of us building our lives together and projecting into our future and I am especially grateful for him because he knows how my mind works, he understands, he is patient. I had always been certain that it was going to be « him », but this year consolidate it for me. So I am grateful for 2020 because it revealed our best and worst sides and yet, we're still there, together, going strong and accepting challenges.

To another year!

Happy Holidays everyone!

Happy holidays 2018!

Here we go again! My favorite moment of the year, the Santa Thong new addition by LELIA.

2018 is almost over, I can't say how excited I am about it. This year felt like two years were crammed into one and still does, so excuse my French, but fuck yes! I can't wait to say goodbye to 2018!

Most of you know last year and at the beginning of this one, I had to battle facial paralysis! I might suffer from minor aftermaths until my last day on this planet but goddamn, I'm doing just fine! It was a very scary time, filled with doubt, panic, and insecurities and to be honest, I was convinced it couldn't get better...until it did. Ah man! The year started as a challenge but I was given so much love and support that it definitely helped.

I don't want to go on and on about what went wrong, because I think I've had enough stress as it is, already. Yes, the lows were very low, life-threatening lows but hey, I'm still breathing so I take it as a victory. I like the ring to it, « Victory. » There have been plenty of these this year and I want to celebrate that. I want to celebrate my friendships because this year definitely had me get closer to some people I really care about and it had me start new friendships as well. « Victory », because I was able to give love and support to my beloved family and friends, which is something I value a lot. To give and be given, I go by this motto. I give as much as I can when I can and I was definitely given a lot this year. A complete 360 in my life! « Victory » because I rekindled my love for writing, I struggled a lot with my book but soon I'll hit page 40. « Victory », because I am still healing from past traumas, and I've made huge progress with my mental health and my ability to speak about my MI and my emotions, especially the bad ones. The list could go on and on and on because, despite all the dread and tears, 2018 brought me something beautiful too, something stronger than any doubt, fear or pain I could have. It brought me, Love.

Yes, Love. Would you look at that? It strengthened the relationship I have with my sisters, it reminded me of the love I already have with my lovelies, my posse, my inner circle. It highlighted the love people I couldn't think of, had for me. I was loved this year, more explicitly than in the previous ones and just thinking of it makes me tear up. I can never take this love for granted because it can come and go because whether we want it or not, we can mess up with someone, or it could stop because life said so. I am especially grateful to those who can endure me during my meltdowns, who can protect me from myself when things become too intense, who can allow me to breathe. I am especially grateful for having you in my life, and for being allowed in yours. I am forever grateful for the love you give me, the trust you have in me and the never ending support you always give me. This year might have been crap, but fuck it! I know I'm leaving 2018 behind and welcome 2019 with a renewed excitement, because of Love.

Happy Holidays !!!!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS 2016

Art by my good friend Lelia:) it's a tradition for her, she calls it Santa Thong, and since she started it, I liked it so much I decided to do spread the love using exclusively images from her series.

Of course, I would begin with wishing all of you happy holidays. Those include anything and everything you would celebrate from now up until the 1^st of January.

2016 was such a strange year for me, both fulfilling in some ways and distressing in others. As I reflect upon the days spent, I realize that maybe this year is the one I « felt » alive the most. Truth be told, I sometimes wish I didn't feel as much and as intensely as I do because I always end up being an emotional trainwreck. It has its perks though and I believe that without those perks, I wouldn't have known how to finish this year. It's in itself, a miracle that I am still standing and still going. It is. Those of you who know, know what I am talking about and I am very grateful for having you in my life. That's it, this year (like the other years ahah ) I'll be talking about my gratitude for having such a beautiful support in my life.

Losing Magz to suicide this year had me reflect on my very own journey with the demons we share/d together. « Thanatos » (as I call it), Anxiety, Depression. It made me think of the decisions I made, the commitment to these, the fact I became more open about talking about these, especially to close friends (my support system really, along with my sisters <3) was the best decision I have ever made. I do /not/ feel ashamed anymore, although it still is something I would not talk about /that / much. And if I don't, I really owe it to my rolemodels who are survivors just like me and keep on fighting and living their lives as they should be. Seeing them being so open about their own lives truly inspired me and keep on fueling my own strength when I'm lacking of it. Thank you beautiful people for speaking up for/to me at a time I was hiding everything to myself. Thank you for guiding me through realizing I needed the right kind of help. Thank you for making me feel normal and loved and proud. Thank /you/. Can you believe, I am even able to articulate my emotions and express them when needed and although it's not happening 100%, it's still a major step forward from where I used to be before. I can't thank enough my other lovelies, for having been the loving shoulders, the warm hands and the soothing souls they've been with me. I can't thank you enough for your support and love, especially those who walk me through my episodes, those who witness my meltdowns and those who singlehandedly silenced my demons and believed in me.

Speaking of those who believe in me, I gotta say, creatively this year was a big bang of some sort ! Here I am finally writing that book, sharing a bit more of my writings and writing process and sketching here and there whenever I can. You're the reason I didn't stop, every encouraging words, inboxes, pm, texts.. every request, every compliment and praise are fueling my motivation. You know how fleeting it is, especially in my condition and yet this year I kept on pushing myself. It was not just because I was able to find the motivation, but when I lost it, you were there <3 I got to meet several people I hold very dear in my heart and strengthened my relationship with my friends in the biz. We don't know what tomorow holds for us but I am very sure, next year I would not let those efforts and trust be in vain. I really appreciate your curiousity and concern and presence in my life. Thank you my creative people for being who you are and for bringing the best out of me regarding my art.

Speaking of bringing the best. 2016 was a dreadful year, one has to admit. It was tougher for me because, like most of the time, I found myself in distress in the face of the world. I'm probably scarred due to past trauma, violent human beings who poisoned my life for years but since I was a child, I never thought people were inherently good. I believe(d) we have to work very hard to be a good person and yes we do. We do because it's so very easy to slip into the darkest corners of our souls. So this year more than other years seemed like people gave up or maybe gave into their darkest instincts. I am fortunate really, to have very optimistic people who were able to restore Hope into my heart and helped me pull myself together through their inspiring words. I saw people acting humane, showing compassion, defending those in need. I saw people who didn't close their hearts and minds. I saw people who were aware of our History as human beings and don't want the bad events to repeat again. I saw people wanting an actual change and a real joint work to help the world be a better place. I saw all of that in the last 4 months of this year and it sincerely helped me smoothly start again. So yes, I consider myself lucky to have these wonderful people in my life who do their best at their own scale to be decent human beings and who keep me motivated to actually wake up (literally speaking) every day and trust again. I am really trying to do the very same, around me, as much as possible ! Thank you for being this inspiring.

Finally 2016 was definitely a year of love. Why finish with love ? Because it all starts with love. I keep saying everyday that I am left speechless at how unalduterated and genuine and powerful the love I receive is. Not just from my old pals, but also the new ones. It just is ! It clicks really well and I couldn't have been happier for this ! Your love means everything for me. It's healing me, it's fueling me with strength and power and I really wish I do give it back to you. Look at you now, most of you are married (for those who are), engaged (for those who are) and/or successful in their job, at a happier place this year than the last, have kids (for those who do), have fulfilled their dreams, are in great healthy relationships and of course, have dreams for the year to come, plans, aspirations and of course new steps ahead of them. I wish you to have everything you desire my dears, everything your hearts ever want. I love you when you are happy and would always want you to be, because you're deserving, you know that ? You're deserving so much good in your life. I know you're working hard to get there and I sincerely hope you will all live the lives you want to.

As of me ? If anything, 2016 taught me I actually didn't have a blackened heart and am still very capable of loving with every fiber of my body;) My friend Louise keep talking about helping me find my Wolverine Ahaha (You don't need to Lou) but it's a touuuugh job though, but it's not impossible anymore since I think I can safely admit I wouldn't mind trying.

TO 2017 ! May it bring you all you ever wanted. May it be a safe year for you and of course, may it be the year I actually meet my Wolverine (I'm joking ! I'm joking ! But really, may it be a good year ! I'm hoping it would be for all of us)

I love you

HAPPY HOLIDAYS <3 <3