I want to go away (depression, sadness, angst)

 How do you live ? How can you live ?

Sometimes she wishes she never existed. She wishes she wasn't there.

She dreams of peeling her skin away, vanishing into thin air.

She dreams of disappearing in a snap of a finger, or having the Earth crack open to swallow her.

She hopes it could happen fast, faster than the time to sit and think about her failures.

Faster than trying so desesperately to live in a life that was just not meant to exist ?

Isn't life the same as existence ?

Sometimes she believes she has taken the place of someone with more value than her

She believes she's an imposter, a vile usurper who should not have had the right to breathe

Someone else would have been in her shoes, would have known what to do with themselves

Someone else would have experienced how it felt to actually be in the present, live to the fullest

They would have known the difference between living and existing.

Maybe life is an endless suite of pain. Maybe suffering is existing...

You should be grateful, she would say to herself, at least you can breathe and you have chances

The sharp knife of self-blaming kept on piercing through her skin, why was she like this ?

Why wasn't she normal ? Why wasn't she like others whose bright smiles could make her blind

Nobody cares about your sadness, nobody cares about your illness, get better soon already ! Try !

Because you surely aren't trying harder enough, see how the others can bouce back, why not you ?

You should be grateful, you're still breathing, others never had the chance, she kept telling herself

Maybe there's no real point in all of this, maybe we're just mixing air for nothing...

It didn't help to think that way, to think it was her fault and think she was the problem

It only added fuel to the self-hatred. How dared she feel that way ? How dared she be in pain ?

She didn't know how to express it, so she started to shut herself down. Keep it to herself

For nobody could handle massive, pure, bleeding pain that never really got away. They'd leave.

They left ! So she kept it to herself in hopes that somehow, her thoughts would kill her slowly.

Maybe there's no real point in all of this, maybe we're just born to die

What would happen if she died ? Nothing she already knew. The world would be spinning still

She would be (maybe) mourned and then they would return to their daily lives, be happy, be alive

She would be nothing but a distant memory. They would forget her face, her voice, her words

She would fade away, slowly but surely, so why not fade away now ? Why not disappear ?

She sometimes wishes she never existed, less complications, less problems, less regrets

« Where do you want to go ? »

« Away. »

Away was her answer, always she said so. Most thought she wanted to escape from the place

She simply wanted to escape from her life, leave it all behind and fucking die.

Yet she couldn't say it, so she simply came with a sober « Away » knowing they wouldn't notice

So she went to bed, praying hard to her god and other gods that one of them could have mercy

and grant her her only wish ever since she could have dreamed

To not be.

To go away

Another day has come -Angst/depression/vent piece

And then we must rejoice for another day has come

Another day filled with the unshed tears of the day before

A powerful feeling of loneliness that no one can understand, not even me

Has washed upon me, forcefully tearing apart any last feeling of fulfillment

And I watch from afar others living the life I could have lived

If only I wasn't the person I ended up to be,

If only I wasn't the person I couldn't help but be

But then we must rejoice for another day has come

Adding up to the endless list of days that passed, happy or bitter ones

Tomorrow could be happier, tomorrow could be brighter

And the Lord must forgive me for I am not ready

I don't know how it feels when one is extremely happy

Bits and pieces here and there, that's what I allow myself to take

For I know, at last, how it feels when everything is gone and when I'm too late!

Sometimes tomorrow

Random thoughts of the evening:

Sometimes tomorrow is not a better day as well. and the day after isn't, and the day that follows isn't. Sometimes one can't just see further in the future because they simply don't have the strength to. But deep inside, there is this little bit of light.

One cannot see it at this moment, but this light is here. Sometimes it's only after one goes through the hardest moments of life and succeeds in doing better, feeling better, reaching their goal that one really sees the long road they come from.

Sometimes they can see hope and keep their spirits high all the way until they recover. there's not a defined path towards recovery.

Hope is there, it never really dies I guess. Hope isn't easy to find, let alone keep. but Hope is there. maybe we can't see it today and it's okay. we will see it someday soon.

I can only wish for you to keep it and for me to see it.

Or is it the other way round?

something on my head :/

I really tried to write something to empty the overwhelming emotions of tonight. But I can't. I really can't. It's hard to explain this feeling of uselessness, emptiness and the self-hate when seemingly you have everything. You feel even less compelled to talk because you feel you shouldn't say a word since others suffer more than you. it's not a competition, but you often tend to call your issues petty or meaningless in regard of your friends/family/even stranger's suffering. You feel like you're petty when you dare say what's wrong or that you're not okay. I'm not. I know what triggered this is "and I quote myself" very petty. but yes, to deeply love someone who (and I believe it) gets off by manipulating your feelings to stroke his ego is triggering. I might regret this statement tomorrow but I really feel like I'm being mocked and used and played with... while all I gave was genuine feelings that won't quit. It's petty, that I know and I despise myself for feeling so hurt tonight because of this. I'm not the only one to feel this way and I am struggling every day with it. some days, I really feel great and excited but it vanishes quickly. it's like.. nothing is meant to last or it's because you feel you don't deserve it. and it strangles you every day and you don't want to wake up.

but I have been raised by wonderful parents and taught to fight and keep going no matter what. I have been taught to find ways to express myself even when I'm not physically "talking".Roleplay does help, writing or drawing does help but when all is blocked.. (like art block or lack of time) how could I cope with it? Yet tonight, I cannot find a way. It's suffocating and tiresome. I will try to follow advice and focus on what's great about waking up and go to my internship while every step I make I wonder if I'll be able to solve issues and make sure my family is safe 'money-wise' once I'm done with this expensive education. that's the thing, I will and can't give up on anything but everyday feels more and more like a burden to me, like a never-ending hell with small bits of pleasant moments. maybe that's what life is about, maybe not for everyone but just for me.

I am working on my issues though, one at a time and while I did progress on some of them, I still cannot get over a couple of them...to the point I just want everything to end. How many times did I contemplate the knife while I was cooking or the meds while I was sitting on my laptop? I pray every day not to make that mistake because I can't bear the idea of causing so much pain to my family and friends but somedays, it does look like a great idea.. like a way to ease the pain. yeah.. but how sweet would life be for those around me, not to have me anymore? what will it change really?

I am not looking for pity or attention. I just truly need to spit those words and maybe sleep better at night. I am really sorry if sometimes I come off as rude or cold. I do care about you...I do try to move away from my issues to deal with the world, but tonight.. and maybe sometimes.. I simply want to quit... everything.. my body, my mind... everything and rest.

I am sorry if I come up as negative because it's not really what I am looking for. but when I realize that hundreds of unfinished stories deal with death and other macabre topics, that I keep on writing about sacrifice and suicide. I think it's just time to take a step back and admit I'm not doing really well. I'm doing my best not to act ugly and I'm not saying you shall forgive me when I do, but it could happen and I'm sorry for this.

tomorrow I might even forget I posted it. I just know I have to. I just need that little selfish moment where I can't scream out loud like I so badly want to but at least type what's in my soul. it's TMI but you don't even have to read.. you don't have to notice me. I just know this will be off my chest once I post it.

Thank you.