Colby: relief and sorrow

"Mary!"

Tom's voice echoed through the bedroom as he watched the young woman shift and turn on their bed. She was nursing a fever from the bullet wound she sustained earlier that night. Nothing went as it should have, and Tom was wracked with guilt upon watching his woman wounded and suffering because of him. He swiftly grabbed her wrist and gently stroked Mary's swollen and calloused hand. The night was supposed to be a good night... How did it take such a dramatic turn?  She mumbled in her sleep, called for Tom's name, and all he could do was hold her hand and tell her that he was there. He would always be there, despite failing to do so that night. 

Arthur invited Mary over to the Garrisson Pub. He knew she needed some distraction and a little bit of fun. Since becoming the chief nurse and Headmistress in training of the Grace Shelby Institute, she spent most of her time advocating and caring for the children in her care. Obviously, with the rise of the fascist party of Great Britain, there had been more attacks against the Institute and more attacks targeting her. It got the attention of Alfie Solomons, who tried to strike a deal with Mary, one she could have taken had she not been under the Peaky Blinders' protection. In exchange for his protection, Alfie wanted Mary to hide his merchandise within the walls of the Institute. She refused, and Tom doubled her protection, but that made it more difficult for her to have a good time. 

Naturally, Arthur thought of something that could help Mary find her good spirits again. Nothing rivaled a good night at the pub, where Mary could sing and dance and listen to loud music without a worry in the world. He owed it to her, after all; she always managed to help him get back on his feet every single time he fucked shit up. As the elder Shelby had planned, the night began well. Mary was on stage, singing and dancing, and forgetting for a moment all the troubles she had faced since joining the family. It felt good! And for Mary, she finally had a little bit of fun during that night out. Things took a dramatic turn, however, when a sudden attack happened. Mary couldn't remember everything clearly. The sound of broken glass, the screams, Arthur throwing himself at her to shield Mary from the bullets raining on them. She remembered being splashed with his warm blood. His body shaking, his blood... oh, his blood that was pouring out of his wounds and that soiled her face, her arms, and clothes. 

She remembered the survivors ran to the next doctor's office to try and get Arthur some help. Mary remembered ordering the survivors around to check themselves for wounds and for those who were the least injured to help her save Arthur's life. A surgery... She worked on the floor, using hot water in a basin, a clean cloth, domestic needles and threads in the lack of anything better, and alcohol to help sterilize wounds and the tools she used on Arthur. She worked for hours, tirelessly, cut her fingers multiple times with the knife, stabbed them with the needle, but it didn't matter. She had to save Arthur. The doctor came in late, but he helped Mary stabilize Arthur's body and wait for the ambulance to come and get the Peaky Blinder to the hospital.  Only when Arthur was taken to the hospital did she realize that Tom had come to the Garrisson Pub, helped in any way he could while assessing the damages, talked to the survivors to see if they could identify those who had attacked the Pub, and kept his mind occupied. 

Only then did she faint, sustaining a bullet wound with the bullet still inside her. Only then did her body react now that the adrenaline was gone. Mary fainted, and then Tom began to worry about another kind of concern. He watched her risk her life to successfully save his brother. He watched her ignore her pain for other lives, but for a brief moment, he was scared of losing her. He couldn't suffer a second loss like that. It reopened old wounds, a trauma that never really healed. How could it heal when he lost Grace, his whole world crumbled? How could it heal when he still had hallucinations of his late wife? Looking down at him whenever he was feeling desperate, just like that night. She was there, in the corner of the room. Grace stared at him with a gaze full of judgment for putting Mary through so much pain and violence. He led a life that ended in Death. How could he expect a second chance at life? What a fool! Tom blinked, and Grace was now at the deathbed of Mary. 

He panicked, ran his thick and calloused hand over his face just to make sure that it wasn't real. His mind interpreted the presence of his late wife as a sign that Mary was dying. He held both hands tighter and mumbled under his breath. He was speaking nonsense, calling for Polly to confirm his wild, erratic thoughts. He was talking about spirits and ancestors, about the veil between the world of the dead and the living, about having to pay for the blood he spilled, and about sparing Mary's life because she was innocent. She suffered enough from the hands of others, and he didn't want her to suffer more. Perhaps she wouldn't have been shot and possibly lost her life if she had not met him. Guilt was wrecking his heart, and before he knew it, Tom's eyes were wet from unshed tears. His fingers were shaking, as if he was afraid that if he wasn't careful, she would die in his hands. Grace's "ghost" shook her head and softly pressed a kiss to Mary's forehead. 

"Tom...." -Mary's faint voice snapped him out of his mind,  Grace's ghost vanished, and Tom focused his attention back on her-

"Mary! You're awake!" -He grabbed the clean cloth, dabbed it on her forehead- "I'm here."

"Tom!... Tom... I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." -She was too weak and still feverish, but alive. She tried to sit on the bed, but she couldn't sit down properly. He helped her with his powerful arms and took her hands back into his larger ones.- "How is Arthur?"

"You don't have to apologize, Mary.  Arthur is fine. You saved his life."

"I made you worry, Tom." -Mary replied in a grunt- "I never like it when you are worried because of me."

"You're awake. Everything else doesn't matter." -He dabbed her forehead again and  pressed his lips to the back of her hand for a brief moment- "I'm here, now, and nothing will happen to you ever again."

She nodded, unable to conjure up the words she wanted to say. She didn't know how to tell him that she was scared that night, far more than she thought she would be. She was worried about their enemies coming back for more, worried about him or any other member of the family dying in her arms. She was worried about so many things, but couldn't find the strength to talk to him. Instead, Mary set her green eyes upon Tommy and gave him a soft smile. She would be fine. She would be fine. She would be fine! 

-TBC-

Rp splove: Mine: Mary edition

🦜 For Mary, Tom is like fire. He can be both nurturing and calm, comforting, and he can also become lethal. He can burn everything around him. She knows her man, and she knows that he will always do his best to protect those he loves, but sometimes his demons come back to haunt him, and he hurts those who love him, too. She knows that he can’t be tamed and doesn’t want to. What she wants is to give him an ideal place to grow into something beautiful and strong. She wants him to thrive. She wants him to have a safe place for his bad ideas / awful moods. She wants him to see how much good he can do for his loved ones. He put them out of poverty, helped them cement their names in town, helped them build families and own properties, and somehow, he brought them closer to each other. He has that power.  People flock around him.  For Mary, Tom is a nurturing flame. He comforts her. He protects her. He makes her feel good. He helps her build and grow as a person. He helps her heal.  She will always protect him, her flame, her black stallion. 

For Mary, Tom is hers; in the need they feel for each other is impossible to stop.  She feels such a strong desire for him that he makes her act foolish. He makes her take a cab wearing nothing but a sheer dress. He makes her hose herself in cold water whenever she sees him. He makes her lose her words. Tom is hers because he lets her be Bad Mary. He lets her be in touch with her sexuality and be free. And she lets him be himself, too. The Tom who can get on her knees for her. The tom who can go harder and bruise her because he fucks her harder. the Tom who eggs her on and feels alive when he finally cums inside her Tom is hers because no one else can love him like she does. No one would ever dare tell him what they want or how they want it. But she does. She can.

COLBY: Drunken stupor

Mary watched Tom, a silent observer of his drunken stupor. She was no stranger to these meltdowns. She was no stranger to watching Tom spiral into the abyss. He would spend days locked in his office, drinking bottle after bottle until he couldn't stand up anymore. She was no stranger to his drunken rambles, where Tom was talking to the wind and the spirits that inhabited his office. He would talk, yell, and cry out loud his despair. Everyone tried to keep Charlie away from his father, but the young boy managed to sneak into his office one morning, only to find his father slumped against his desk, a cigarette in his hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. It felt like a fever dream to Tom, so he considered that it never did. Tom didn't even try to hide when he was in an alcoholic daze. He simply wanted to drown his sorrows and the voices he heard in his head. 

When Tommy was like this, it felt as if he was out of his body. He could see what was happening, but couldn't control his own body. Words left his mouth before he could stop them, and all he could do was stare at the people he was hurting. How many times did he watch Mary's face take his venom without saying a word? How many times did he watch the pain on her face when he lashed out at her? How many times did he scream internally at her not to listen to his drunken rambles? He had lost count. He couldn't even remember them well, but they always played the same. He would break her heart, and she would do her best to hold back her tears. He would watch her sit next to him and grab his hand. He would listen to the hum of lullabies to soothe his heart. He would try to push her away, lash out again, and finally, would break down in tears and end up in her arms. Still, as soon as he sobered up, he remembered that he had hurt his woman. Despite the tears shed, the screams he let out, and the suffocating atmosphere that nearly choked them out, Mary remained by his side. Why did he put her through this? Why did he keep hurting Mary? 

Mary watched Tom, a silent observer of his drunken stupor. She knew what it was to hit rock bottom, for she went there after the loss of her son.  Mary drank herself to sleep, to such a degree that she would have been dead, had it not been for the intervention of her coworker at the time. She knew what it was to cry for help, to hallucinate the voice of her child, to believe that the whole world was against her.  She knew how it felt to be left at the brink of sanity. She couldn't understand what he went through because she never went to war, but she knew the weight of loss. She knew that those who came back from the trenches never came back the same. She could understand why he wouldn't be fully there at times. She could understand why he would crumble the way he did, and she didn't judge him. Did he hurt her? Yes. All the time when he was in such a state, and she knew that maybe some of his words came from deep within him and he thought them, but couldn't bring himself to say them when sober. Did he make her cry? Yes. Not all the time, but only when she couldn't take it anymore. Did she argue with him? Not when he was in this state.  She opted out of having a fight with him and instead always sat by his side and chose to comfort him. 

That night, like all those drunken nights, Tommy had his head laid against her lap. He wasn't fully asleep, but he wasn't fully awake. Still in a daze. Still confused. Still teary-eyed and still seeing his late wife in the same room. She was judging him without saying a word, reprobating him for not being dead and not joining her in death. Because she was his vision, she didn't interact with Mary. Why would she, when all she wanted was for her husband to join her? Here he was between life and death. Here he was, between the past and the present. Here he was, between Reality embodied by Mary and Illusions, embodied by his hallucination of his late wife, Grace.  And all he could hear, as he hit rock bottom, was Mary's gentle voice guiding him towards the light. All he could feel, as he hit rock bottom, were Mary's tears as she silently sobbed on top of him. All he could do was let her stroke his hair as he was sobering up. How could she stay with him, despite the tears, despite the worries, despite the darkness he threw her in? How could she stay with him? 

-TBC-

oc questionnaire IV: Mary edition

WEIRDLY SPECIFIC BUT HELPFUL CHARACTER BUILDING QUESTIONS

What’s the lie your character says most often? That she's fine.

How loosely or strictly do they use the word ‘friend’? She is friendly, but she won't call you her "friend" so easily.

How often do they show their genuine emotions to others versus just the audience knowing? Mary is very difficult to read. So, very few people know exactly how she feels. 

Can they cry on command? If so, what do they think about making it happen? No.

How loose is their use of the phrase ‘I love you’? She only uses it when she genuinely loves you. 

Do they give tough love or gentle love most often? Which do they prefer to receive? Gentle love. Gentle love. She cruelly needs it.

What fact do they excitedly tell everyone about at every opportunity? That she is Mrs Thomas Shelby.

What’s something that makes them laugh every single time? Be specific! Charlie and his jokes.

When do they fake a smile? How often? When she is in public, and has to endure humiliation or cozy up with people she loathes. 

What do they notice first in the mirror versus what most people first notice looking at them? She notices her beauty spots. Most people first notice her complexion and her eye color. 

Who do they love truly, 100% unconditionally (if anyone)? Tommy Shelby.

What would they do if stuck in a room with the person they’ve been avoiding? She would be cold to them. 

Are they a listener or a talker? If they’re a listener, what makes them talk? If they’re a talker, what makes them listen? She's a listener. Her nurturing nature makes her prone to listen to others.

 

What’s a phrase they say a lot? "Christ!"

Do they act on their immediate emotions, or do they wait for the facts before acting? Mary would wait for the facts before acting.

Who would / do they believe without question? Tommy Shelby.

What’s their instinct in a fight/flight/freeze/fawn situation? She flees unless she doesn't have a choice.

OC questionnaire III: Mary edition

Community and Relationships

Does your character prefer company or solitude when sick? Company (don't leave her alone!)

What is your character's favorite kind of social event? Balls and family functions.

How comfortable would your character be singing and dancing in front of others? Very.

Is your character upfront about their feelings? Not always. She's hard to read.

Who would your character first seek if they needed medical help? Frances. 

How willing would your character be to go to a party with people they don't know? Not a lot.

Who is your character most honest with? Tommy Shelby. 

How likely is it for your character to initiate a friendship? She is very reserved.

Where is your character's comfort place? Arrow House's living room.

Is there a habit your character has that they learned from someone else?  No.

How would your character react to being put in a position of leadership? She can handle it. She has.

Would your character be good at providing medical assistance? Yes, she is a nurse.

Who would your character say knows them best? Polly Gray.

Is there a person your character would turn to for backup in a fight? Tommy.

How well does your character work with others?  She's alright. 

What is your character's favorite form of affection? When the hand stroked her cheek.

Does your character enjoy celebrating holidays? Yes, very much so.

What would it take for your character to get into a fight? Threaten Tommy, Charlie, and the family.

OC questionnaire II : Mary edition

What is a habit your character has that others might find cute? She twirls her brown locks when embarrassed. 

Are there particular sounds your character is fond of? The sound of the horses when they gallop.

Is your character more prone to fight or flight? She's more prone to fight. 

What words could tear your character down? "I don't love you." "You'll never be good enough." "You're not Grace."

How well does your character act under pressure? Mary can handle pressure well. She has a poker face.

Is your character good at practicing self-care? No. Mary either drinks herself to sleep or ignores her needs.

What scents does your character find comforting? Tom's mix of alcohol, musk, menthol, and gunpowder.

Does your character have any allergies? No.

Is your character a light, medium, or heavy sleeper? Light sleeper. She's always on her guard.

Does your character have strong willpower? Yes. Especially when it comes to Tom or the family.

Is your character more likely to give advice or seek it? She would give it. She rarely asks for help.

How does your character relax? She would drink, dance or sing.

Is there a secret thing your character longs to hear? She longs for Tom to propose to her. 

Would your character feel confident in a fight? No but she would try her damn best to win it. 

Is your character more energized in the morning, afternoon, or night? She's an afternoon girlie! 

How often does your character have nightmares? Not quite often. She rarely dreams as well.

Are there scents your character dislikes? Yes, the sewer or anything burnt.

Is there a fear your character wants to learn to overcome? She wants to overcome her fear of being alone.

Does your character have a high pain tolerance? Relative high pain. She can withstand punches, lashes (from whip or belt), and slaps. 

N Splove on Mary

 //// I am doing this for safekeeping. We never know when things could disappear. I want to be able to come back to his words. 

(PB) Mary: 

Our newest endeavour together, but already so, so, so good. Mary and Tommy just… they clicked right away. I know I told you, I really wasn’t sure about writing Tommy. So far, he’s probably the character I felt the most worried about, that I wouldn’t be able to find his voice and get it right. But I think we are there; I really think we are already there. 

Mary is… it is so, so important that she understands who Tommy is. He’s not a good man. Not entirely a bad man either. Mary has been in his life long enough to know, to have seen and to understand. 

In this beginning part especially, I know that they are going to frustrate the hell out of each other. Tommy with his fear to commit. Mary with that threat of finding someone else.

But they are going to figure it out. I already know that they are going to figure it out. Tommy knows that Mary has been there, that she has seen the kind of man that he is, that he really is. And she wants that man. He’s an ambitious man, a gangster, a killer, a businessman. He is not going to stop, not any of it, not ever. He use to talk about ending the “other stuff” and going 100% legitimate, but that is never going to happen. Honestly Tommy would probably get bored if that happened, he would go seeking something else out.  What is really going to set Mary apart is the fact that she knows that, that she accepts this about him. No one else ever has. Not even Grace. This is… this is huge. Someone who, genuinely, understands and accepts Tommy for exactly who he is. That is something he has NEVER had, not with anyone. 

I don’t want to get too far ahead of myself in talking about what is going to happen, because there’s no way I can say any of that for sure. But we are setting ourselves up for something great here.

I do know that Tommy does not look at Mary and simply see a replacement for Grace. Grace was Grace. And Mary is Mary. 

I think… well I guess I might as well talk a little bit about the way I see it. The way I see it, Grace was someone that Tommy clung to in the aftermath of the war. He was a broken man, a drowning man, and… there was Grace. And even when it turned out to be a lie, even though she was a spy and she betrayed him, Tommy couldn’t quite let go of that ideal he had of her in his mind. She was good for him, in a way. She helped Tommy put some of himself back together. And while arguments can be made that they weren’t the best suited for one another, Tommy loved her. No question there, he loved her, and she is Charlie’s mother, and she’ll always have a part of his heart.

Mary, on the other hand, Mary is exactly who she says she is. Mary loves Tommy for exactly who he is. Mary cares about not only Tommy, but his family as well. Mary has already been a part of Tommy’s life for a long time, and loyal to the Peaky Blinders throughout that time. He’s not just clinging to her. She is there, she is in his home because Tommy likes having her around, because he wants her presence. I just see the dynamic as being entirely different, and I think that it is going to lead to a relationship that is entirely different. I know Mary is going to look out for Tommy, and she is going to challenge him in new ways. These two are going to become something entirely new and all their own. We just have to wait and see how it plays out, and where they take us.

Peaky Blinders: She couldn't be there for him.

Mary leaned against the dining room door. Her arms were crossed above her chest, and she held a glass of wine.  It had been weeks since she last saw Tommy Shelby, and she had no bloody idea of where he was or what he was doing. Polly told her that it was business related, and Mary took it at face value but somehow.... She knew something was wrong. He had been spending more time away from home, and when she managed to see him, he was having more and more trouble hiding the fact that he couldn't keep track of time. He simply couldn't. Was he sick? Was he overwhelmed? Mary had no way to know the answers to her questions, and it was starting to weigh on her. Most people would say it was because she felt lonely, and, truth be told, she did feel lonely at times.  However, her worries were more about Tom's whereabouts and if he was doing well or if he needed help. They survived several attacks on their family, and Mary was still worried that Tom found his match and lost the fight to this person. So yes, she was worried about him more than she felt alone. 

It was well into the night, so Charlie was sleeping already, but she still remembered his disappointed face when she told him that his father was not home for the night. He didn't put up a fight and simply shrugged his shoulders. "Daddy is never home. I guess we'll have to wait." She tried to comfort him, but no matter what she told this little boy, she could see his pain. He knew his father was working hard to provide for them, but he still wished he could see him more often. Tommy was starting to feel like a stranger, and Mary was horrified.  She had to have a conversation with Tom. She had to tell him to at least talk to his son and be in his life in one way or another instead of being a ghost.  They had talked about it, about Tom's desire to be different from his father. He always wanted to be there for his children, to do right by them, and to be present, but Life had a funny way of bringing reality down on you. The truth was, Tommy couldn't be present in the lives of those he cared about. He couldn't because of his enemies. His "business," as he called it, was dangerous and lethal. He had to be careful; he had to take the danger away from his child and woman, and to do that, he couldn't always be home.  That was one reason, but the other one was that Tom couldn't stay home. He was a black stallion, and he needed his freedom. He needed to wander otherwise, he would wither away. 

She shrugged and took a sip of her wine. Tommy had always needed to wander the Earth, and she understood his need. She refused to have him bound to their home with little freedom! Of course, she wouldn't want him to be miserable!  But Mary wanted Tommy to have a relationship with his son. She wanted him to have a family of his own, not just by title or blood but because he would spend time with them. She wanted him to be in pictures with his son. She wanted Charlie to have memories with Tom and to be able to revisit them. She wanted Tom to watch his son grow into a man and be present in his life the way his own father never was.  She needed to make sure that they had a life and that it wasn't just a fever dream. Maybe she resented being alone more and more as time went by. He loved her, and a part of her thought that maybe it was enough. He loved her... even if he was not there. He loved her, and she shouldn't be asking for more than what he gave her. 

After all, she was a widow... A young one, but still one. Maybe she shouldn't be dreaming about getting married and having children of her own. Maybe she should just focus on the children still alive.  Mary put her hand on her belly and bit back a sob. No! She had the right to want things. She had the right to imagine a different life for herself. She had the right to be worried about him and to want him to survive. Truth be told, she knew he could kill himself at any given point. She had seen him at his lowest... The only thing Mary truly wanted was to be there for him. She wanted to be the rock he could hold onto. She wanted to be a beacon of light so he could escape the darkness of his heart. She wanted to be there for him, but he was out of reach, and he couldn't do much, and that was making her drink. She couldn't be there for the man she loved. 

She couldn't. 

COLBY: I don't know how to tell you

 Sometimes words get stuck at the back of our throat and I would look at you, and you would look at me, and silence would settle in between the two of us. 

Sometimes, I don't know how to tell you that I love you and because I do, I am ready to sacrifice everything so you could be happy. I don't know how to tell you that I am very aware that you can't be satisfied with the life you lead because you will always seek more. You will always...always... be on the move because you can't handle settling down. 

This is who you are, a black stallion. This is who I love. The gangster, the soldier, the MP, and the Father. This is you...who I love and while I can't always articulate the way you make me feel... I can still look into your blue eyes and let you know.

Colby: Lizzie and Mary

Lizzie Stark and Mary Colson started on the very wrong foot. Lizzie felt that Mary was a danger to her relationship with Tommy.  Mary was everything Lizzie wasn't and it made her feel insecure to have a woman like her around the man she loved and the family she wanted to get into. So she lied to her, she manipulated her, she tried to break Mary's connection with the rest of the family and it almost worked.  Lizzie's animosity went so far that she ended up slapping Mary during an argument between the two of them. 

That slap was a turning point. Tommy's reaction was so harsh that Lizzie realized that she had gone too far and should work her way back into the family. She came to terms with the fact that Mary was the one Tommy loved. She came to terms with the fact her feelings would never be returned by Tommy and she should move on. She did. She moved on. She worked on herself and slowly but surely, managed to restore her relationship with the family and make peace with Mary.  So today, they are not friends but they care about each other and respect each other. 

Colby: His wandering heart

He came back.

He came back, just like he said he would, except it took him more than two weeks to go home. I have been waiting for him for God knows how long, and despite the tears, the anguish, and the fear of him dying far away from his family, somehow, I still had hope. He came back, with his face bruised, blood splattered all over it and his knuckles red from exertion... from the blood they got on, from perhaps some bruises he got after punching faces way too hard. His outfit was cut here and there, torn here and there and his hair was disheveled. I didn't know what to make out of it but it was obvious that he had been in a fight. My first instinct was to go to him and slap the shit out of his face. I have been worried sick for weeks because he didn't contact us. We didn't hear from him. We didn't know if he was alive or dead. Mind you, if he had been killed, all of Birmingham would have known. Still.. I had to slap him for him to know just how much I was hurt by his absence. 

He didn't flinch, he didn't quip.. he didn't do anything but stood right there before me. I noticed he was shaking and I remembered a conversation we had, where he explained to me that he got the shakes when he had to kill someone up close and personal. What could I say? What could I do if not help him? I put aside my anger and I led him to our bed. I started to clean the blood off of his hands first. I cleaned thoroughly and I went on to clean his neck, his face, and his hair. We didn't speak because what could be said? I think... when I started to clean his hair,  that’s when he wrapped his arms around my waist. I let him do it. I let him get close to me because I knew he needed my comfort. I knew he was having a PTSD episode. How could I not give him a way to anchor himself back into reality? I couldn't deny him so I let him hold me.

« I didn’t want to leave you alone. I didn’t mean to. » -I knew he did. He never lied to me.-

« I know. » 

« I wanted to go home, Mary. I needed to go home. » -He moaned out. I could feel the pain in his voice. He was so lost that for a moment I just forgot about my own feelings. All I wanted was for him to feel safe and to be cleaned from the  blood he had on him-

« I know you hate it when I am not here for too long.  I keep promising you that I would come back and I keep disappointing you. »  -A truth about the situation. At long last he's acknowledging it, but I know that it's only because he's in distress right now.-

« It is the way it is… I know you want to come home but your line of work…. Your ambition would always make it impossible for you… »

« Mary… please. Stop trying to make excuses for me. You are hurt. I know it. »

« ……. »

I was left speechless for a moment because as much as I could see "through him" at this moment, he was able to see right through me.

« And you want me to be home so I can be with you and Charlie. You want me to see my son…so don’t tell me that you understand. Don't tell me you're fine... » 

« Tom…. You are a Black stallion. I can’t ask you to chain yourself to your family when it’s not in your nature. Do I want to see you more? Yes, I do. I don’t want to love an image. I don’t want to love a memory. I want to love /you/. To be able to show it to you…. But at the same time, because I love you, I can’t ask you to stay here with us….When I know you yearn for your freedom. »

I was shaking and Tom noticed it. He could see that my eyes were slowly getting filled with unshed tears. He could see that I was upset but I was trying not to be. He could see that I wished for him to be home more often...But I couldn't tell him these words because it would be akin to chaining him to me. He was a free man and nothing and no one should come between him and his freedom. I knew he loved me... I knew he cared but I also knew that he needed to leave and be by himself. I guess... His face warmed up and I could see that his thousand-yard stare was gone now that he had noticed I was hurting. He was back into reality.. back to me.

« Then, it is said. I am hurting you. I am making you sad. » -He stroked my back and arm and as I released his face, he snuggled against my frame. I didn't know what to do for a couple seconds but I  wrapped my arms around his shoulders and kept him close to my heart.

« Please forgive me, Mary. »

« You are already forgiven, Tommy. » -I meant it-

« I can be selfish. I know it. And there are days when my desires would always trump anyone else’s… but I came home because I wanted to. Because I needed to. I needed to see you, Mary. I needed to feel you.  If you leave I…. » 

« I won’t leave... » I ran my hand through his hair. « How could I do such a thing? » 

I would never no matter how hard it is, choose to leave Tom. We have been in each other's lives for a decade, I saw him overcome hardships, be punished by God, trying to redeem himself. I watched him go through so much and still move forward. Battered and bruised but still alive. It became obvious to me, that I had fallen for him after the death of Grace. It became even more obvious to me after John died. Tommy was the man I chose to love and the man I would always support, no matter where I decided to go. Still, there was some truth in his words. I was so focused on his happiness that I forgot about mine. What did I want? What did I need? What did I wish for myself? I wanted a family. I wanted to have something for myself. I wanted him...to be in my life. I wanted a family and I wanted him to be a part of it. I was hurting because he was away for far too long and more and more which left us with little to no time spent together. I felt that he wanted to leave me, that he needed to breathe, and that I couldn't bring him any peace... It was killing me inside and I couldn't find the right way to tell him. So I didn't.

« You could leave because you deserve better than what I give you.  I am... not giving you what you deserve. I can clearly see it. And yet you stay here. » 

I cut him short. I yelled a little bit because I couldn't just accept what he was saying to me. 

« Enough! Enough, Tom! I am not your prisoner, Tom. Love might not be a choice, but staying here is… I choose to stay!! I choose you… regardless of the heartache… of the loneliness…. I choose our family. » I kept stroking his hair. « You are an extraordinary man. I can’t lock you in a mundane life because it doesn’t suit you. I will always be there, Tom... Because I love you and because I want to be.»

It seemed to have shut the conversation down for the time being. I knew he listened. I knew he understood and I could feel that he was breathing normally again. I ran my fingers through his hair and kissed the top of his head, holding him as tight as I could.  

Mary colson: Aesthetic

Mary Colson: The Nightingale of Birmingham

She was the nightingale of Birmingham, the voice that kept his nightmare at bay. She was the broken bird that needed a safe place to heal and yet still managed to sing.

COLBY: "Her hands weren't meant to kill."

Her hands weren't meant to kill. Arthur had told Mary that he hated the idea of her pulling on a trigger. He didn't want her darling hands to be used for something other than healing others. She was a nurse, after all, it was her calling to be among those who try their best to save lives.  He told her that while he was put on Earth to take lives and soil his fists with blood and other human waste, she should be stitching people back together, putting them back to health. She chuckled and gently told Arthur that no matter how they imagined their lives, reality would always have a way to shake them up. No one, especially in these early industrial years, was spared by life.  She would have to take a life whether she wanted it or not. Arthur promised her she wouldn't have to and he tried, God did he try to protect Mary to the best of his ability. Unfortunately, he couldn't spare her the trauma of killing someone. Neither could Tommy. 

Her hands weren't meant to kill. Tommy always said it when she wanted to know about his business. He kept telling her that the best thing for her was to be kept in the dark about whatever business he was doing because it was best if she spent her energy on something else. He wanted her to focus on the children of Grace's Institute because he believed she was really helping shape these young minds into better adults than they were. He believed in her ability to nurture the gentler side of these orphans and by extension, the side of the adults around them. He did his best to keep her out of harm's way but even with his best efforts, Tommy wasn't superhuman. There were still powerful men with strings they could pull to hurt Mary. There were still enemies he made along the way to absolute power in Birmingham, enemies who forced Mary's hand. He still remembered when he rushed to her side, the shell-shocked face she had on, the shaky hands, the blood that soiled her face, her hands, arms..her dress. It was a sight he wished never to see again. It was a sigh he vowed never to see again and as he took the gun away from her hands, Tommy grabbed the back of her neck and leaned his forehead against hers. 

Her hands weren't meant to kill. Mary had always known it. She imagined she would be surprised by Death and would not be able to put up a fight but Life proved her wrong. She fought. She always fought for her life. If it wasn't by mentally breaking free from the heavy influence and control of her first husband, Carter, it was by physically fighting off assailants. Long before a gun was put in her hands, she would use anything near her, anything she had to protect herself. She had scratched, bit, slapped, and even punched people who had tried to hurt her. She had stabbed those who threatened children and now... now she had shot at someone to save both her life and the life of a child... her child... Charlie. She protected him and it only took Tommy's gentle hand on her cheek and intense blue gaze on her, for Mary to come back to her senses and realize what had just happened. She cried and hugged Tommy to find some comfort in the awful truth that she had, indeed, taken a life. Her hands weren't meant to kill... and despite this truth, Mary knew that she was ready to do it, to protect the ones she loved. 

Mary trivia: how would you describe her with her flaws

Mary: "She holds back a lot of her emotions. She is so convinced to be forsaken by God and years of mental abuse by the nuns who raised her, that she keeps her feelings to herself. It is sometimes very hard to understand her emotions if she doesn't voice them. Mary is also prone to overthink and would not communicate her thoughts unless she's pressed. This almost caused a rift between tommy and her."

Trivia headcanon: what I love about them

Tom:  "Tom's drive is something I truly admire. Once he sets his eyes on something, he is relentless. He would not stop until he saw his vision realized. He loves his family and it is something I don't compromise with. I love that about him. I love that he wants the best for his loved ones and would do his best to protect them or to give them the life they want. I admire his intelligence as well. He is so clever, above the rest of us all and sometimes it's intimidating. I fear I'm not clever enough for him or maybe moving way too slow for a mind like his but he never made me feel daft or ridiculous. He never made me feel inadequate. I love how passionate he is about horses and his freedom... He's a wanderer and while it's not something that suits me perfectly, I do envy his ability to lust after freedom and to leave whenever he feels like it for however long he sees fit. He's one of the strongest men I know and the only one I can trust blindly. Well.. it does help that I want to become his wife and have his babies! someday...Because I know he will give his children what he didn't have while growing up..... to the best of his abilities."

Homelander: "Homelander... John...regardless of who he is with me has always been honest with me. He never lied and has always shown me who he really was. I love that about him. I love that he is always attentive to whatever I need and however I feel. he's always made sure I was happy and had all my needs met. I have to say, he is adorable. I think that it's a part of him that even he doesn't know exists. He's adorable with me, fine with mundane things, and content with spending time with me doing whatever we want to be doing. I feel safe with him -I know that plenty of people don't but I don't care-. He's fun, we have great fun together and he makes me chuckle or laugh while others fail to do so. he is entertaining and I love that we get to discover things together, things he was never taught to enjoy the way others do. I love it the most when he sneaks behind me and wraps his arms around my frame to kiss my neck. He's so cute. And when he's relaxed and happy, we have the deepest conversations. I know he wasn't loved properly when he was younger but I am glad that we can heal our younger selves together. I... Love that he can open up to me and be vulnerable and true to me. Not a lot of people can speak so freely about what plagues their minds but he does. He trusts me. He cares for me... He..maybe he loves me too. All I know is that I love him and I want him to be happy... So happy!"

Klaus: "Klaus' wits are so fast. he has the best comebacks! They do hurt sometimes and they crush me when he directs his venom at me. Yet, when I can witness him talk his mind off, it's quite a delight! He is clever, cultured, and honestly very entertaining to me. I enjoy spending time with him and could spend every single night for the next couple of centuries (or all of eternity if I am allowed to live that long) with him. he is passionate, sensual, a man with a drive that goes beyond anything else. He is a family man too. No matter what he thinks or says, he cares for his family and this has drawn me to him. Did I mention that I love his artistic streak? because he is such an artist and it's pleasant to watch him paint, relaxing even for me. Klaus is... How to put it gently? I love that Klaus doesn't let people dog-walk him. I love that he makes sure that people respect him and I love that he asserts himself this strongly. I love that he is able to lower his defenses for me and show me a more vulnerable side of himself. He's loveable. He's so loveable... I wish he knew just how much I love him. I wish he knew he wasn't unredeemable. Not in my eyes."

Dean:  "You have to know that I am obsessed with my husband. He's charming, he's funny! He's so caring! You wouldn't believe just how beautiful his soul is. He is selfless and he's so fun! I love it when he makes jokes with me. I love when he taunts me or when he messes with my mind sometimes. I love when we get to laugh together and when he carries me all over the bunker.  He feels safe, he is safe for me! He is kind and you should see him with kids! he's the best man around. I love how loyal he is and how dedicated to his job he is. I mean, he's a world savior and has saved it more times than I can count! you can't tell that the man isn't trying to save lives! he is a freaking hero in my eyes and he would always be. I think that one of the things that truly makes me swoon is that despite the horrors he's experienced, he still kept his humanity. He still kept his gorgeous soul and I will do my best to make sure that he knows just how much loveable he is! he deserves the world and I love him with everything I hold dear."

Pride: "It's a bit complicated to talk about such perfection. If I speak, I will crumble. I want to keep my decorum."

Jaime:  "Jaime is a man of his word. He has a strong sense of honor. I love that he's family-oriented and I love that he cares for people more than he wants to admit. If he didn't, he wouldn't have saved the people of King's Landing. If he didn't... he wouldn't have tried to snap me out of my sacrificial lamb funk... He wouldn't have cared for me the way he did. Jaime is a kind man, sure, he can be dramatic and sometimes make my heart jump against my ribcage but that doesn't take away from him. He is clever, a man of knowledge who teaches me a lot about a world I don't know a lot about. he guides me, he is patient and he is so loving that I sometimes wonder if I deserve to be loved like this by him. He's so kind... Ah... And delicate with me. I love that he's a passionate man. When he looks at me with his intense green gaze. When he talks to me and serenades me all night? When he loves me, it's never in half. He goes all in.  He's honest as well and never lied to me not even once. I..oh...I love him so much, I feel like crying right now."

Annie:  "Annie is one of the bravest people I've ever known. She went through a lot of shit, I can tell. I can feel it. Despite it all, she's not jaded with life. She is still trying to see the light in everything in Life and her soul is beautiful because of it. Annie inspires me to strive for the best and be the best version of myself. She inspires me to be less of a coward and try and help people more. I mean, far more than just giving money to non-profit organizations. She saw right through my bullshit and brought me the comfort I didn't know I needed. She's easy to talk to. She's a company I love. I trust her, I trust her opinion on a lot of things. I hope I'm not screwing this friendship up because God, I would hate to lose her."

Maya: "Maya is one tough motherfucker! She is badass as hell and I admire that about her! She always stands back up after she was knocked down. She never gives up and she's so protective as well. She's the first person to ever make me feel safe after years of running away from my abusive ex. She made me feel like I was in good hands you know? That I could trust her and wouldn't be betrayed. She's a beacon of hope, for me that is... Because I can see her grow as a person, move on from the terrible life she had before, and be happy. She's proof that we can be happy, even when we don't feel like we deserve it. I hope she now believes she deserves to be loved because she does. She's selfless and caring. She has such a big heart. Don't tell her that I call her "Disney princess" because of her love for animals and how easily they love her. Who wouldn't love her? I definitely do. I love her smile, it's so warm and so charming... it's so sweet and so... adorable. She's my sister and I hope that regardless of what life has in store for us, she knows that until the end of my life, she was my favorite person in the whole world. "

Kyra: "Lady Kyra is a beautiful and brave woman. I know that her strength was born out of trauma and the circumstances of her upbringing but by the gods, is she strong! She has more power and more strength in her pinky than any of the lords she has to deal with at Casterly Roc. Kyra would have made a fine queen if she had the opportunity and she makes a fine head of the Noble houses affiliated to the Lannister Family. She would lead them much better than any of the men before her.  She is clever, so clever...I sometimes wonder how she doesn't find me daft next to her. I also love the way she tells stories because she tells them so well. She makes my mind travel to places I have never been before and she has such a lovely sense of humour. She's my friend...no... She's my sister and I hope that we will remain friends... I mean, we would become sisters before the gods but I do hope, I do hope that our relationship would only blossom and not sour."

Colby: You can't compliment your way into Tommy Shelby's heart

Niceties wouldn’t get you far with Tommy Shelby. He didn’t like those who spoke to him with a silver tongue, mostly because he knew that they were hiding something. Tommy wasn’t vain and certainly couldn’t be swayed by a couple of compliments, he would perhaps entertain your attempt at stroking his ego but he would squash it into nothingness. Compliments weren’t his currency for he dealt with violence. He only struck deals with people he respected or he knew would guarantee his success. He could suffer a dinner or two with politicians - known ass-kissers and liars- to advance his goal but he would never fail for their words and promises. 

Still, some believed they could make him swallow their lies. Some believed they could manipulate and tame the black stallion when in truth he couldn’t be tamed. Nothing could keep him grounded, stuck with regular humans with little to no ambition. Nothing could keep him at home. Mary knew it and while she embraced the king of Birmingham as he was, she couldn’t hide the fact that his absences took a toll on her and Charlie. She couldn’t hide the fact she missed him. She couldn’t hide her feelings… no matter how hard she tried. And he saw right through her much to his dismay.

Colby: There it was

There it was, a smile at long last! 

Mary rarely smiled, not even when she was outside acting like the headmistress of the Grace Institute. Only children could witness her warmth and kindness. Only a few could catch her smiling when she was in a good mood. Arthur did, once, and Polly managed to see some more but it was Tommy who saw her smile the most. With him, Mary was vulnerable. She allowed him to see her at her lowest. She allowed him a lot of things. 

But even when she had a smile plastered on her face, the trained eye could see she was hiding something more sinister. A pain that was not explained. A pain she would stifle and bury as she refused to talk about it. 

A pain sometimes caused by Tommy Shelby and his longer absences. A pain caused by the memories of her son, a poor soul that joined the angels. A pain caused by her first husband and the horrific circumstances of their meeting, wedding, and his death. 

Mary felt forsaken by God. She grew up believing that she was hated by him and had to repent for the sin of her birth. She believed that any pain and trauma she experienced was payback for her existence. She sometimes still feels as if she shouldn’t be there or shouldn’t be loved and yet….. yet…she kept a smile on her face. She held onto her life and the people who made it worth living. She kept fighting for her redemption. 

There it is, at long last a smile on her face!

colby: Who was there?

"And who was there for me when I was breaking down? I am not a Madonna. I am not a saint, I am not without vices flaws, and fears. And what happens when I can't control it? What happens when I can't hide it anymore? Who is going to try and soothe my heart? Who is going to comfort me? Or should I remain silent and just take it, like I usually do? like I always do? Should I just let it eat away at my heart? 

You speak of me as if I was a cure to all of your ailments. As if I was not able to break down or be hurt when you're silent for months when you disappear and I have no goddamn idea of where you are and what you're doing. When you're so far away I can only pray for your safe return because I can't sleep at night. I can't when I imagine Arthur would come to me and tell me you're dead. I can't when I can see our son cry his eyes out because he saw your dead body in the streets. I can't because I know what you're looking for and why you're trying too damn hard to die. 

The only thing that crosses my mind on nights like these, is why I failed you. What didn't I do to help you? How could I let you suffer in silence, long enough for you to try to join your loved ones on the other side?  the only thing that crosses my mind is that I didn't love you enough because if I did... you'd feel better....So don't tell me that I'm your guardian angel. Don't tell me that I am a saint. Don't tell me that I have helped you when I can clearly see you're breaking down too.... so... I ask again... when all is said and done, who is going to comfort me when I am breaking down?"

COLBY: "It was you, Mary."

"It was /you/ Mary who stopped my heart from breaking when I was at my lowest.

It was /you/, Mary; who kept me together all those years after Grace's death... After John's..

It was /you/, Mary, who silenced my nightmares and helped me find my sleep again.

So don't tell me that you're wasting my time. Don't tell me that you're holding me back.

Don't fucking tell me that I would be better if you were gone.

If you've gone... If you're gone. It's my brain matter you'll find scattered around. It's my blood and my guts you'll find on that very floor. So... please... Don't go. Don't leave me"

colby: shorts

 Tommy aged gracefully. Mary was head over heels for him and had been for quite some time. She thought he was beautiful, from the intense blue eyes to his lips. She loved to run her hands through his rich black locks and her fingers traced his features, his thick brows, his deep-cut cheeks, his square jaw. She loved to trace his ears with her fingers, press her lips to his neck, nuzzle his neck and shoulders. He was a handsome man and the only thing she wished she could do was to grow old with him

xx

Mary's green eyes were a rare sight in Birmingham. Her caramel skin contrasted so well with her eyes that it was difficult to forget her face. Mary was beautiful, far more than she could imagine but  she doesn't realize just how much she captivates those who set their eyes on her.

xxx

"I wonder at times if you understand my heavy silence. I wonder if you realize that I feel I can't say the words I want to say or express the thoughts that plague my heart because I'm worried... I'm worried you would not understand and you would be angry with me. I'm worried because you might feel that I don't trust you...When I would put my life in your hands in a heartbeat. When I would trust you would survive anything you might want to do. When I gave you my heart to keep. 

Still... 

Sometimes I wonder if you realize that  I can't bear the idea of your death. I can't bear it...Despite your desire to keep moving until you find someone stronger than you. Despite your desire to play daredevil so you could feel alive. Despite your anguish and guilt over the deaths of your family. I fear your death. I fear losing you. I fear losing you,... I don't want to be in a world where you're not but how could I tell you these words without you lashing out? So I swallow my words. I swallow my tears. I put a smile on my face because I trust you will survive your enemies. I trust you will come back to me. I trust we would live together and raise our children...should we have any together...God's willing...God's willing.

Still...."