TB: mourning is for the wicked

TB: Mourning is for the wicked

xxxxx

Sara sat on the couch in her recording studio. It was summer, and she was wearing a pair of denim shorts, tennis shoes, and a large black t-shirt. Her hair was tied in a high braided ponytail. The supe fanned herself and allowed her eyes to wander on the wall before her. She looked at her accomplishments displayed on the wall. Her platinum singles, her most popular albums, pictures of her biggest tours.. Her entire professional life was ahead of her. Unnamed Girl: Such a popular and successful singer! Such a beloved star with just enough information for the world to know her. An orphan, a self-made woman who met that one single manager who saw the raw talent and uncut diamond she was. Before she met Homelander and Ryan, she believed that her career was the only thing she could take pride in.  She had tried to form relationships before, but they all failed, leaving her a little more miserable after each breakup. Long before she met with John, Sara felt a void inside her heart that couldn't be filled. Nothing she did was a permanent solution. The tours and the contact with the fans filled her with immense joy, but the nights she performed only left her feeling empty and depleted the morning after such a high. Her OnlyFans gave her some joy, but it was always short-lived. There was still a need for another show, a need for more comments from her fans, a desperate need for constant adoration that wasn't even fulfilling. The only thing she had for herself was her career, the accolades, and the awards she won. 

With Homelander and Ryan, things have changed. She felt that she had found something bigger than titles and awards. She found something bigger than her own fame. She found a family.  She found peace with people who loved her for who she was and who didn't want her to become something she wasn't. There was a freedom she never had before and a sense of belonging she finally had after chasing it for so long. Her eyes averted from the wall to the door that opened on Ryan. He had been looking for Sara after playing video games with the children of Unnamed Girl's crew, who were hanging out with their parents.  He knocked before opening the door, which allowed Sara not to be scared by the noise the door made. He gave her a sheepish smile and walked into the room, kicking the door closed with his heel. She patted the couch, and when he sat next to her, the supe ran her fingers through his blonde mane.  He smiled and playfully shook his head so she would stop messing with his hair.

"I'm glad to have you here, Ryan. Did you enjoy yourself, Big Guy?" -He nodded and looked around for snacks.  He noticed the huge bottle of soda and grabbed it.- "I'm glad you did. I'm done for today, do you want to hang out at my favourite ice-cream shop?"

"Yeah!" -He grinned and took a sip of the soda that was in his hands- "When I walked in there, you were upset. Is everything alright?"

"I was just thinking about my life before I met you and your dad. In this room, there are all of my accomplishments. You can see all the awards I've won, the posters of the movies I've starred in, and pictures of my best concerts... Everything that is related to my career as a singer. I used to think that there was nothing else I could have had. I used to think that I was never going to be happy in my personal life. I was so wrong. I met you. I met your dad, and you both changed my life for the better, Love. You both made me happy.  It's just... I was so convinced I couldn't be loved that it all felt like a dream when I met you. I was convinced that it wouldn't last or that you would just get bored with me. Yet here you are. Visiting me often, spending time with me... I couldn't have asked for better."

"Yeah? Then why were you upset, Sara?"

"I... Thought of my parents. I wanted them to see what I became all by myself. I wanted them to see me be happy for the first time in a long time. I wanted them to see all the things I was able to do despite them claiming I was good for nothing. I wanted them to know that they didn't destroy the little girl I was. That I became stronger. I not only survived, but I also thrived. I wanted to spit in their faces, to tell them that they were good-for-nothing parents. They never loved me. They never cared for me. They never wanted me to be happy. I wanted to scream in their faces that they were losers. In life and in death. I wanted to lash out at them, asking my mom why she stole that compound V and made an enemy out of Vaught. I wanted to do so many things and say so many things that I know I can't because they're dead. That's why I was upset, because ultimately, I can't mourn for them. I can't...I don't want to, and at the same time, that little girl I was wished things were different. She grew up loving her parents, and she misses them. Yeah.. I miss them. I hate them. I wish they were still alive, but I know that I would never be where I am if they hadn't died. So it's messy... I'm a bit of a mess. I'm sorry, Ryan." 

She wiped out the tears that had rolled down her cheeks and looked at Ryan, who simply put his hand above the one that was resting on her thigh. He looked at her with concern in his face and searched for a way to calm the woman down. He figured out that reaching out to her hand was the most efficient way to help her deal with her emotions, and he gave her a sheepish smirk.  Sara's gaze softened, and she gave him a warm smile. Ryan was a cute child. His mother taught him empathy, and she could tell he was being empathetic to her.  Sara looked at the teenager and nodded quietly. She couldn't possibly let this poor child see her be vulnerable like that. She was the adult here, and she was the one who should be offering protection and comfort. She dried her tears and grabbed the bottle of soda to take a sip too. She tickled him, and the two chuckled for a moment until Sara strangely felt cold. Without a warning, she grabbed onto Ryan's arm and quickly stood up with him.

"What's going on, Sara?"

"We have to get out there, baby. It's dangerous!" -She could barely speak. He noticed how tense her body was, and his senses, everything in him told him that Sara was scared. It wasn't just her being worried. No!  She was trying to escape. He wanted to scan the area to see where the threat was and if he could take it out, but she kept pulling on his arm and trying to force him to follow her. As soon as they stepped into the hallways, they felt as if they were in a freezer. Her throat tightened, and she squeezed Ryan's hand harder. 

"What's going on??? Tell me." -He looked past his shoulders and tried to see what was happening, but she was going so fast that he didn't see anything-

"We have to get outta here! Please! Please! Please!" -She kept talking to herself until they reached the emergency stairs-

The doorknob had been frozen.  She searched for a way to break the ice and looked up to the glass where a message written on ice spelled "Sara. You will always belong to me." She screamed, released Ryan's hand, and fell on her knees. How did he find her?? How did he find her? Her eyes filled up.  Ryan panicked and grabbed her shoulders. He tried to give it a shake or two to no avail. Sara wasn't responsive. He turned around to look at the message and back at Sara's shocked face.  His focus shifted to the woman who was shivering. Her lips were trembling, and he could see the goosebumps that covered her skin. It felt as if she was locked in a traumatic memory, something Ryan had never seen before but was quick to understand. What he didn't understand, however, was what or who could have hurt her so bad that she was shaken like that. His superhearing helped him pick up the distressing voices of the people in the building. He realized that someone had broken in, and someone was trying to take Sara away from his dad.  Away from him! His eyes glowed a red color, and he stood before  Sara, arms spread so he could quickly protect her if anything went her way. 

"Show your face! Leave Sara alone! Leave her alone!" -He yelled. His eyes scanned the area with his X-ray vision.- 

He noticed that some of Sara's crew were locked in rooms and others were injured or freezing to death. His friends were locked in rooms, but they were safe, which made Ryan sigh in relief. He then noticed the intruder. It was a man he had never seen before, and the one responsible for the ice that engulfed the whole studio. A supe?  That meant that he had to be the one to stop him. Ryan fled towards him, fist first, as he decided it would be best to take out that stranger, but he found himself trapped in ice from his neck to his toes. His eyes were blocked by an "ice mask" that wrapped around his head. His ears picked up the noise of footsteps. His heart beat faster as he was thinking of how distraught Sara was and how vulnerable at this moment she was as well. Brett -because it was that bastard-  finally appeared before him. He was a tall man with shoulder-length black hair he tied in a low ponytail. He was wearing a blue leather jacket, a black t-shirt, and a pair of black denim jeans. 

"My my my! I didn't know Sara was hanging out with Homelander's kid, but here you are.  I guess you're a fan of her work as Unnamed Girl, aren't you?"

"Leave her alone! Asshole!" -Brett laughed and wagged his finger- "What do you want from her?"

"Sara's mine, little buddy. She knew for weeks that I was in town and was going to take her back. I'm not going to do anything to her, kid. I just wanted to warn her for the last time. She can try to run away from me, she can move out of her place, change the location of her studio, heck, she can even date someone else, but ultimately, she would always come back to me." -Brett grinned. He didn't understand why the son of the most powerful man in the whole world would bother with someone like Sara. Being stupid, he only assumed that Ryan was just a fan of his former girlfriend. He couldn't even think about Ryan being close to Sara. Why would he?-

"Why would she do that?" -He asked. The ice was powerful, and he had never been in a similar situation before. Ryan realized that he needed to focus if he wanted to set himself free from the ice, but it was very difficult to do when this asshole was nearby, taunting him, talking shit about Sara. So Ryan was more agitated, and the more he was, the harder the ice solidified against him. Because of his young age, he wasn't able to calm down and break from the ice. He couldn't get to her fast enough. He couldn't get to her!-

"Because she's nothing without me. She thought she could be her own person, that she could be happy without me, but I know she's not. She can't be. She needs someone to tell her what to do and what to think. She needs someone to lead, not some schmuck who will do her bidding. Not some idiot who will tell her that she's beautiful and deserving of being loved. Not a simp. She needs an Alpha like me because I am the only one who can give meaning to her pathetic little life." -He then shrugged- "But you're a kid, what do you know about love and grown-ups' business? Be a sweet kid and shut the fuck up. I'm leaving. She knows I'm onto her."

Brett walked away from the building and waited until he was far away from it to melt his ice. As soon as Ryan was free, he rushed to Sara's side, who was now sitting on her heels, fingers sunk deep into her black mane, and her makeup melted through her tears and onto her cheeks. He gently wrapped his arms around her shoulders and pulled her into a hug. "He's gone, Sara. He's gone. Please.. come back." He begged and begged and begged until finally Sara snapped back and held onto him as hard as she could. She cried and pulled him into a tight hug. It was awful. Brett was becoming bolder and bolder, which indicated that he was getting ready to make his final move. She wasn't ready. She wasn't ready at all. 

-TBC-

TB: Bonding with Ryan again.

 As soon as Ryan saw Sara he ran to her and gave her a big hug. He was happy to see the older woman who offered to take him on a date so they could bond and eat ice cream. Homelander dropped his son at her apartment in the morning and informed the pair he would come back when he wouldn't be needed at work. They kissed briefly before he flew off to the tower. She then turned to look at Ryan who was already staring at the pictures scattered around the apartment. He noticed that there were very few pictures of Sara as a child or with her family. He saw the one she took with Dotty at the swimming pool and pointed at it while looking at Sara. 

"It's the only picture of you with someone."

"I don't have a lot of pictures I like." She replied earnestly. - "But it's not really the question you wanted to ask, is it?" -He shook his head and walked to the kitchen counter.- "Go ahead. Ask me what you really want to ask."

"Why don't you have a picture of your family?" 

Sara smiled and gently walked towards the fridge. She grabbed some ice cream and put a couple scoops in two bowls. She didn't expect to be asked a soul-piercing question so early in the morning and was wondering how she was going to respond to him. She had to be honest, to answer truthfully because Ryan would not appreciate being lied to. She didn't want to hide that part of herself either but was afraid of how she would talk about it. She pinched her lips together and slowly put the bowls on the kitchen counter. She then went and grabbed some spoons. She handed the spoons and sat on the stools at the kitchen table.

"It's a long and not-so-nice story, Ryan. Are you sure you want to know?"

"yeah. I want to know."

"Well....My parents always told me that my powers were a gift from god. I didn't know any better because I was just a 5-year-old girl. They were very stern and cold parents to me. When I didn't perform well, they punished me very very hard." -She paused for a second and then took a deep breath- "it felt like a prison rather than a family. I grew up without having friends and because I became the sole breadwinner of the family, I had to work hard every day and earn money for my family."

"They never celebrated your birthday?"

"They only did it once, when I was 5 years old. Most of the time they left me at my aunt's place and with my cousins while they spent the money I earned for them. My cousins hated me, so I always came home with bruises and wounds but my parents never cared for this." -She took a spoonful of ice cream and ate some, while Ryan mimicked her and took some too.-

 Sara's voice started to crack as she told her story. She didn't want him to see her lose her composure or try and dig deeper into her past. Being truthful and clinical seemed to be the way to go as it allowed the supe to tell her story without feeling like crumbling down. Ryan was perceptive, he realized that it was hurting Sara to remember her past but before he could tell her to stop if she didn't feel like it, she resumed talking. 

"Then, when I was 15 they were murdered. Back in the day, we didn't know who did it, but rumors had it that they had wronged Vaught. I learned not so long ago that it was true. Mom stole from Vaught the Compound V that gave me my powers. Nobody in my family wanted to take me in, thinking I was the child of the devil, so I went to an orphanage and stayed there until I turned 18 and met Dotty, the blonde woman in the picture you saw on my fridge." She then furrowed her brows- "That is why I don't have any picture of my family." She then gave a faint smile at Ryan who nodded quickly. 

"It sucks..."

"It sure does! But hey, I'm alive!" -She grinned and gently reached out to his head so she could stroke it gently. Ryan gave her a crooked smile and resumed eating his ice cream- "And I'm with you today, so more reasons to be happy. I have been wondering, do you think that you'd like it if we took a picture with your dad? I've been wondering if this was a good idea, you know?"

"I'd like to have a picture, an actual picture, and not some PR stunt! If we took one, where would you put it? On your fridge?" -She shook her head- "You're going to frame it?" -She nodded and he grinned- "Cool!"

"Cool!" -Sara grinned and then looked at her fridge. She understood why the child would have asked her about the lack of family pictures. She never really thought about it before, about the lack of candid shots that showed she had an active and happy private life. Sure, she didn't have her family, but she had been in relationships before, she had a life before...And nothing to show for it. Her black eyes moved from left to right and she furrowed her brows.- "Ryan. Be honest with me. Did you ask to come here or was it your dad?"

"I asked to come. I wanted to spend the day with you. Why?"

"I'm happy you chose to be with me. I can be a little boring though. There's no video games here. I read mostly. I also cook, and I watch TV."

"It's okay. I don't like boring. What do you like to read?"

He was laid back,  far more than she thought he would be for a teenager his age. She tucked some hair behind her ear and gave him a sheepish smile while he kept eating his ice cream. Her fingers tapped against the marble table and she licked her bottom lip. Well, she liked to read fantasy books and romance and sometimes she bought books because she was petty and wanted to laugh, like the Deep's books. She chuckled and pointed at the book that was still on the couch she was sitting on moments earlier.

"I like fantasy and romance, but these days I am laughing at the Deep's biography. He sucks and his book sucks even more." She then leaned her cheeks against the warm palm of her right hand and smiled at Ryan who smiled back at her. He didn't have a definitive opinion on the Deep, mostly because he didn't spend much time with him but he knew that his father hated the supe with all of his guts. He knew that a lot of people didn't like the Deep so it wasn't a surprise to see that Sara laughed at him.- "Maybe we could read it together today and we can have a good laugh?"

"We could! or maybe I could ask you some more questions about your family?"

"Only if I can ask you one about yours!" -He nodded and took another spoonful of ice cream- "Alright. What do you want to know?"

"Well... How did it feel when your parents died? Now that you're a megastar, did your family try to reach out to you? And...Who is your family today?"

"You really pull no punches, do you? mmmhhh, let's see. I was the one who found my parents' bodies. I was scared, but I also felt relieved that they were dead. I was old enough to realize that my parents never loved me and only saw me as a tool for them to use as they saw fit. I didn't like it. I didn't like it at all. I wanted to have parents, people who were supposed to love me, people who were supposed to care for me... instead, I got people who hated me and wanted to use me. So at first, I was shocked. I cried for them. I was scared that whoever did this would try to come for me. But then... I simply sighed and it felt better. I felt warm. I was free! Does that make me look like a monster to you?"

"No. I got it. I understand. They were never your parents, they just brought you into this world but they never were your parents."

"yes..." -She replied, wiping a rogue tear that fell down her cheeks- "As for your second question. My Aunt and cousins tried to reach out to me. Recently. At first, they wanted to undermine me and my success. They called me the devil on TV, they got paid to tell the press about my past and the tabloids loved them for that. Recently, my aunt became very sick so they decided they would try to bully me into giving them money. I refused. I'm not giving them a cent."

"I'm glad they can't hurt you anymore." -He said while taking another spoonful of ice.-

"They will still try and I am sure they will get creative but I am not afraid anymore. I'm not alone." -She then paused for a moment, so she could eat a little bit of ice cream- "And to answer your last question. Dotty is like a mother to me. I consider her like my family and for a while she was the only family I had but then I met your dad and I met you." She then cupped his cheek. "And if you want to be my family, I would be very happy." -He blushed and gave her a crooked smile- "Do you want me to be part of your family?"

"You're...You're pretty cool yeah." -He said, still sheepishly smiling. She understood that he was being coy and didn't insist.- "I know you care about my dad and I know you care about me too. I can feel it." -He added, his blue eyes now set upon the older woman.- "And it feels good to know that."

"Yeah? I have been wondering...Do you... Does your mom have a grave? I was thinking that maybe you would like to visit it sometime and talk to her?" -She watched him stiffen at the mention of his mother and his face darkened a little.-

"I don't want to go to her grave. I don't want to see it! She's dead, Sara! She's dead and I killed her! You said you were a monster, but I am a monster! I am a monster!" -He yelled-

Sara realized that she pushed the wrong buttons on this child and shook her head. She stood up and immediately wrapped her arms around his shoulders to press his head against her heart. He was just a child, he didn't kill his mother on purpose, how could he think that he was a monster when he was far from it? She pressed a kiss to his forehead and then cupped both of his cheeks. 

"You're not a monster, Ryan! You're not a monster! if anything, you're a wonderful kid, okay?! I know you feel responsible for your mom's death but you aren't responsible for it. The adults in your life, Vaught, the boys..even your mom put her life on the line. She knew the risks and she wanted to protect you, what happened wasn't your fault and I refuse to let you think otherwise." She held him so tight in her arms that the child couldn't help but cry. He held onto her and cried harder. "I know you miss her. I know you miss her. I'm so sorry."

He didn't speak but he nodded and Sara knew that he was listening to her.  Her heart broke for the child because unlike her, he had a family that he lost and was missing. She couldn't relate to it but was well aware of how heartbreaking it was to lose someone they cared about. She wanted to protect Ryan and found out that it pained her to see this child hurt. Could it be that she was genuinely attached to the kid? Of course, she was! Of course, she was!