As my trip to Japan is near the end, I am able to take a minute to think.
Well, obviously, I love the country and appreciate the culture. I was even able to dust off my Japanese (but I was feeling upset the first couple days because my japanese teacher would have been upset with me for not remembering anything. In my defense, I have stopped speaking/ reading in japanese since 2014 but still....I was very upset at first, but managed to relax as time went by!)
Still, I'm digressing. I said to myself yesterday that I was happy with where I was in my life. The choices I made, the medical help I sought, the support system I have. All of these truly have been helpful over the years. Years ago, I was suffocating. My mental health was so bad that I tried (and failed to) kill myself a few times. I didn't know how to handle anything related to my mental illness... not a single thing but I had wonderful friends who were open about their own struggle and who cared enough to share them with me as well as their attempts, trials, errors and successes.
I didn't realize how much of a struggle this would be. Man, I do have some answers now and my journey into therapy is still in its infancy (what's 2 years, if not a blink?). I admit, there are days where I feel that I'm back to square one. I feel that I've failed myself, or that I'm failing my loved ones or even my late friend Mags. Before she took her own life, our last conversation had me promise I would do my best to care for my mental health. Damn intrusive thoughts, eh? I admit, because it's part of my mental illness, suicidal tendencies are still there and some days, they are the loudest voice in my head.
The difference though? I am better prepared to notice when I'm back to my old hurtful pattern. I know when I'm in a down phase. I automatically seek help now, speak to loved ones and go for the emergency plan put in place with my therapist. The difference is... I can handle it better.
This trip... oh...I am able to appreciate the full experience. My head is clear, my heart is full. I am happy. I am happy to still be alive today. I am happy because I saw the love others have for me, and that no matter the mood I am in, my true-self was loved. I mattered to them and I matter. I am happy because we worked hard to make sure the trip would be a good one. I'm happy, because even when my anxiety was very high, I was able to handle it and keep enough clarity and control to go through it.
I am a work in progress. Aren't we all?
I think that if I can find moments of grace in this world, you can too.
