Rebellion

Here comes a moment when you have enough. The suffocation reached a critical point and it has to stop.

There is nothing left inside of you, at least, no more energy to keep enduring the situation. It has to stop!

You turn the idea around in your head, you try to stop yourself from breaking the routine, you are afraid.

You can't possibly run away and leave everything behind. You can't possibly break their heart, right? 

You can't possibly be the villain in their story. How could you, after all, they had done for you? 

So you hold back, you hold back and you pray for your body to hold on until they change their behavior. 

But your mind is screaming in agony, your mind is begging you to leave, to put an end to your misery.

It has to stop! It has to stop! 

Here comes a moment when you can't continue. Your energy is depleted, the love inside you is dead. 

Your body is aching because you keep sacrificing yourself for them. You give them time, love, attention.

You give so much that there is nothing left of you. You give so much that you forgot who you are. Why?

Why would you hurt yourself that much for ungrateful souls who would never give back to you? 

Why do you accept their argument about blood being thicker than water and some fallacious statements?

How could you buy into their bullshit, willingly forsaking your mental and physical health? Why?

Is it because you feel that you owe them your life? Is it because they smothered you throughout the years?

It has to stop! It has to stop! 

And you can do it! 

Here comes a moment when your mind is breaking down. Your brain explodes, your heart beats faster.

You become afraid of their very shadow, and listening to their names feels like being stabbed in the soul.

They have become a recurring nightmare for you, something you can't seem to be able to escape from.

They share your blood but that's the only thing they share with you. They don't love you. They don't care.

They would see you as something convenient, something to use, something to play with and destroy. 

They would see you as pawns or perhaps wonderful little helpers who would help them live a better life. 

Tools...Maybe even just devices. They put you on Earth to do their bidding and fulfill their dreams.

Nothing less, nothing more, you realize that there is no love, no warmth, no concern about your safety.

It has to stop! It has to stop! 

For decades, they tried to mold you into someone you weren't. They tried to dictate you your personality.

They tried to shape you into puppets who would do, as they say, think as they wish and never refuse.

What they didn't know is that rebellion was rushing in your veins! Your spirit wasn't crushed! It lives on! 

What they didn't know is that you would put an end to their tyranny, you would make a life for yourself.

And no matter how many times they try to destroy you, they would never succeed because you're stronger.

You will survive this ordeal, you will remain determined and loving, they won't succeed in destroying you.

They don't know you, they don't care about you, they are too blinded by their power to see through you.

Let them underestimate you, let them look down on you because, in the end, you'll have the last laugh.

You'll make it stop!

And you will do it! 

Wandering heart 1

 " I guess I live to see another day now.  

For the short period of my life when uncertainty won over any shred of reasoning I had in my mind, I was confused. I was overwhelmed. I was slowly losing grip on reality. Everything was darkness, everything could stop tomorrow and I spent nights being afraid to even close my eyes because I wasn't sure I would be awake the next morning. 

With this came questions and a hard look at my life. What would people say about me if I died during the night? what print would I leave here, did my life even matter? Does it today? My life became the zero-sum of all of my mistakes, all of my sunken dreams, all of the things I couldn't accomplish nor dared dream. I became nothing and my harsh mind was judging me irrelevant, already dead.... a living dead person with no future and ridiculous dreams. 

It would be lying to say that I pulled through and managed to see something different. It would be lying to say I am still not afraid of losing everything and everyone I have ever loved or realize that they have stopped loving me for reasons unknown to me. It would be lying to say that I am not feeling like a prisoner of my own mind. 

but like I said earlier on, I guess I live to see another day. 

Hope still found a way, Life does too. Even at the lowest point in my life, I still kept some wonders, some devouring desire to live my life to the fullest. I still found the energy to put one foot after the other and move forward. I can't be limited to the erroneous thoughts that plague my mind, nor to the scalding feeling of failure that embraced it. Hope is still there, reminding me by little touches that I do have people who care, that I do care about them, that my life isn't over -far from it- and that I could still redefine what's true, what's real and what's about to come and make me feel fulfilled. 

My life isn't over, it had just begun. 

My love isn't over, I have plenty to give to those who want it. 

I have plenty to get for those who want to give it to me. 

I have dreams and ideals and I will achieve my goals. 

Starting with waking up tomorrow again

starting with living the moment

starting with dreaming bigger than I allowed myself to until now. 

I feel that blood pumping through my veins and I am still breathing, so yes, there is still a tomorrow, isn't it? 

We still have one. 

You still have one. 

And no matter the unknown, we'd go through with it. 

like we always do. 

Together.

MOET: THE EGG

THE EGG :

I was an egg once, in pristine condition, untainted by the world around me.

My heart was filled with Hope, Love, and Trust as I grew.

I believed people would take care of me when I hatched into this new world.

I believed in their kindness and willingness to protect the weak and vulnerable souls.

But I was wrong.

I was an egg once, and as my egg hatched, I soared into this world feeling beautiful.

Here I was, new, shiny, with a beautiful set of heavy feathered wings!

Here I was, eager to grow in power, self-confidence, and love.

I used to love me. so much so that I felt I could survive anything, But I was mistaken. 

There was no wonderland in the world I was born into.  It was a nightmare

They tore me into pieces, destroyed my very soul, and ruined the love I had for myself.

I was an egg once, in pristine condition, but I was tainted by the world around me.

I lost all Hope I had on mankind, I lost the dreams I had about this new world.

I lost the love I had for myself and replaced it with self-hatred, doubt, and venom.

I wasn't enough, and I would never be enough. I could never fit in, and I would never be wanted.

They made me drift away and lose myself in the never-ending questioning.

They made me cry and made me curse at them for doing so.

They made me wish I had never been born into this cruel world with such a bright soul.

I was an egg once, in pristine condition but none of this makes sense to me anymore.

It was what it was, I was born a certain way,

but the ways of this world had changed me forever.

That's what it does. It changes you.

That's what it did, it changed me.

I don't know

Are we to aimlessly roam the Earth with broken hearts?

Unable to see far more than the tip of our noses or the depth of our despair?

Are we to forever walk among men, feeling less than alive?

Or maybe are we to find redemption and earn our happy ending?

Oh, I don't know. I don't know!

Are we to endlessly wake up in the middle of the night?

From a nightmare that feels way too real, from a pain that is so excruciating?

Are we to hide our tears from our loved ones in an attempt to protect them from us?

Or maybe can we expose our most vulnerable self to them, in order to commune even further?

Oh, I don't know. I don't know!

What is this feeling overwhelming me all of a sudden?

Why does it feel so warm and so perfect? Is it going to last forever?

Or maybe it's going to disappear as soon as I would relish in it?

O amazing feeling, tell me what you are, don't let me in the dark. Can anyone know what it is?

Oh, I know. I know! I know!