Colby: relief and sorrow

"Mary!"

Tom's voice echoed through the bedroom as he watched the young woman shift and turn on their bed. She was nursing a fever from the bullet wound she sustained earlier that night. Nothing went as it should have, and Tom was wracked with guilt upon watching his woman wounded and suffering because of him. He swiftly grabbed her wrist and gently stroked Mary's swollen and calloused hand. The night was supposed to be a good night... How did it take such a dramatic turn?  She mumbled in her sleep, called for Tom's name, and all he could do was hold her hand and tell her that he was there. He would always be there, despite failing to do so that night. 

Arthur invited Mary over to the Garrisson Pub. He knew she needed some distraction and a little bit of fun. Since becoming the chief nurse and Headmistress in training of the Grace Shelby Institute, she spent most of her time advocating and caring for the children in her care. Obviously, with the rise of the fascist party of Great Britain, there had been more attacks against the Institute and more attacks targeting her. It got the attention of Alfie Solomons, who tried to strike a deal with Mary, one she could have taken had she not been under the Peaky Blinders' protection. In exchange for his protection, Alfie wanted Mary to hide his merchandise within the walls of the Institute. She refused, and Tom doubled her protection, but that made it more difficult for her to have a good time. 

Naturally, Arthur thought of something that could help Mary find her good spirits again. Nothing rivaled a good night at the pub, where Mary could sing and dance and listen to loud music without a worry in the world. He owed it to her, after all; she always managed to help him get back on his feet every single time he fucked shit up. As the elder Shelby had planned, the night began well. Mary was on stage, singing and dancing, and forgetting for a moment all the troubles she had faced since joining the family. It felt good! And for Mary, she finally had a little bit of fun during that night out. Things took a dramatic turn, however, when a sudden attack happened. Mary couldn't remember everything clearly. The sound of broken glass, the screams, Arthur throwing himself at her to shield Mary from the bullets raining on them. She remembered being splashed with his warm blood. His body shaking, his blood... oh, his blood that was pouring out of his wounds and that soiled her face, her arms, and clothes. 

She remembered the survivors ran to the next doctor's office to try and get Arthur some help. Mary remembered ordering the survivors around to check themselves for wounds and for those who were the least injured to help her save Arthur's life. A surgery... She worked on the floor, using hot water in a basin, a clean cloth, domestic needles and threads in the lack of anything better, and alcohol to help sterilize wounds and the tools she used on Arthur. She worked for hours, tirelessly, cut her fingers multiple times with the knife, stabbed them with the needle, but it didn't matter. She had to save Arthur. The doctor came in late, but he helped Mary stabilize Arthur's body and wait for the ambulance to come and get the Peaky Blinder to the hospital.  Only when Arthur was taken to the hospital did she realize that Tom had come to the Garrisson Pub, helped in any way he could while assessing the damages, talked to the survivors to see if they could identify those who had attacked the Pub, and kept his mind occupied. 

Only then did she faint, sustaining a bullet wound with the bullet still inside her. Only then did her body react now that the adrenaline was gone. Mary fainted, and then Tom began to worry about another kind of concern. He watched her risk her life to successfully save his brother. He watched her ignore her pain for other lives, but for a brief moment, he was scared of losing her. He couldn't suffer a second loss like that. It reopened old wounds, a trauma that never really healed. How could it heal when he lost Grace, his whole world crumbled? How could it heal when he still had hallucinations of his late wife? Looking down at him whenever he was feeling desperate, just like that night. She was there, in the corner of the room. Grace stared at him with a gaze full of judgment for putting Mary through so much pain and violence. He led a life that ended in Death. How could he expect a second chance at life? What a fool! Tom blinked, and Grace was now at the deathbed of Mary. 

He panicked, ran his thick and calloused hand over his face just to make sure that it wasn't real. His mind interpreted the presence of his late wife as a sign that Mary was dying. He held both hands tighter and mumbled under his breath. He was speaking nonsense, calling for Polly to confirm his wild, erratic thoughts. He was talking about spirits and ancestors, about the veil between the world of the dead and the living, about having to pay for the blood he spilled, and about sparing Mary's life because she was innocent. She suffered enough from the hands of others, and he didn't want her to suffer more. Perhaps she wouldn't have been shot and possibly lost her life if she had not met him. Guilt was wrecking his heart, and before he knew it, Tom's eyes were wet from unshed tears. His fingers were shaking, as if he was afraid that if he wasn't careful, she would die in his hands. Grace's "ghost" shook her head and softly pressed a kiss to Mary's forehead. 

"Tom...." -Mary's faint voice snapped him out of his mind,  Grace's ghost vanished, and Tom focused his attention back on her-

"Mary! You're awake!" -He grabbed the clean cloth, dabbed it on her forehead- "I'm here."

"Tom!... Tom... I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." -She was too weak and still feverish, but alive. She tried to sit on the bed, but she couldn't sit down properly. He helped her with his powerful arms and took her hands back into his larger ones.- "How is Arthur?"

"You don't have to apologize, Mary.  Arthur is fine. You saved his life."

"I made you worry, Tom." -Mary replied in a grunt- "I never like it when you are worried because of me."

"You're awake. Everything else doesn't matter." -He dabbed her forehead again and  pressed his lips to the back of her hand for a brief moment- "I'm here, now, and nothing will happen to you ever again."

She nodded, unable to conjure up the words she wanted to say. She didn't know how to tell him that she was scared that night, far more than she thought she would be. She was worried about their enemies coming back for more, worried about him or any other member of the family dying in her arms. She was worried about so many things, but couldn't find the strength to talk to him. Instead, Mary set her green eyes upon Tommy and gave him a soft smile. She would be fine. She would be fine. She would be fine! 

-TBC-

COLBY: Drunken stupor

Mary watched Tom, a silent observer of his drunken stupor. She was no stranger to these meltdowns. She was no stranger to watching Tom spiral into the abyss. He would spend days locked in his office, drinking bottle after bottle until he couldn't stand up anymore. She was no stranger to his drunken rambles, where Tom was talking to the wind and the spirits that inhabited his office. He would talk, yell, and cry out loud his despair. Everyone tried to keep Charlie away from his father, but the young boy managed to sneak into his office one morning, only to find his father slumped against his desk, a cigarette in his hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. It felt like a fever dream to Tom, so he considered that it never did. Tom didn't even try to hide when he was in an alcoholic daze. He simply wanted to drown his sorrows and the voices he heard in his head. 

When Tommy was like this, it felt as if he was out of his body. He could see what was happening, but couldn't control his own body. Words left his mouth before he could stop them, and all he could do was stare at the people he was hurting. How many times did he watch Mary's face take his venom without saying a word? How many times did he watch the pain on her face when he lashed out at her? How many times did he scream internally at her not to listen to his drunken rambles? He had lost count. He couldn't even remember them well, but they always played the same. He would break her heart, and she would do her best to hold back her tears. He would watch her sit next to him and grab his hand. He would listen to the hum of lullabies to soothe his heart. He would try to push her away, lash out again, and finally, would break down in tears and end up in her arms. Still, as soon as he sobered up, he remembered that he had hurt his woman. Despite the tears shed, the screams he let out, and the suffocating atmosphere that nearly choked them out, Mary remained by his side. Why did he put her through this? Why did he keep hurting Mary? 

Mary watched Tom, a silent observer of his drunken stupor. She knew what it was to hit rock bottom, for she went there after the loss of her son.  Mary drank herself to sleep, to such a degree that she would have been dead, had it not been for the intervention of her coworker at the time. She knew what it was to cry for help, to hallucinate the voice of her child, to believe that the whole world was against her.  She knew how it felt to be left at the brink of sanity. She couldn't understand what he went through because she never went to war, but she knew the weight of loss. She knew that those who came back from the trenches never came back the same. She could understand why he wouldn't be fully there at times. She could understand why he would crumble the way he did, and she didn't judge him. Did he hurt her? Yes. All the time when he was in such a state, and she knew that maybe some of his words came from deep within him and he thought them, but couldn't bring himself to say them when sober. Did he make her cry? Yes. Not all the time, but only when she couldn't take it anymore. Did she argue with him? Not when he was in this state.  She opted out of having a fight with him and instead always sat by his side and chose to comfort him. 

That night, like all those drunken nights, Tommy had his head laid against her lap. He wasn't fully asleep, but he wasn't fully awake. Still in a daze. Still confused. Still teary-eyed and still seeing his late wife in the same room. She was judging him without saying a word, reprobating him for not being dead and not joining her in death. Because she was his vision, she didn't interact with Mary. Why would she, when all she wanted was for her husband to join her? Here he was between life and death. Here he was, between the past and the present. Here he was, between Reality embodied by Mary and Illusions, embodied by his hallucination of his late wife, Grace.  And all he could hear, as he hit rock bottom, was Mary's gentle voice guiding him towards the light. All he could feel, as he hit rock bottom, were Mary's tears as she silently sobbed on top of him. All he could do was let her stroke his hair as he was sobering up. How could she stay with him, despite the tears, despite the worries, despite the darkness he threw her in? How could she stay with him? 

-TBC-

oc questionnaire IV: Mary edition

WEIRDLY SPECIFIC BUT HELPFUL CHARACTER BUILDING QUESTIONS

What’s the lie your character says most often? That she's fine.

How loosely or strictly do they use the word ‘friend’? She is friendly, but she won't call you her "friend" so easily.

How often do they show their genuine emotions to others versus just the audience knowing? Mary is very difficult to read. So, very few people know exactly how she feels. 

Can they cry on command? If so, what do they think about making it happen? No.

How loose is their use of the phrase ‘I love you’? She only uses it when she genuinely loves you. 

Do they give tough love or gentle love most often? Which do they prefer to receive? Gentle love. Gentle love. She cruelly needs it.

What fact do they excitedly tell everyone about at every opportunity? That she is Mrs Thomas Shelby.

What’s something that makes them laugh every single time? Be specific! Charlie and his jokes.

When do they fake a smile? How often? When she is in public, and has to endure humiliation or cozy up with people she loathes. 

What do they notice first in the mirror versus what most people first notice looking at them? She notices her beauty spots. Most people first notice her complexion and her eye color. 

Who do they love truly, 100% unconditionally (if anyone)? Tommy Shelby.

What would they do if stuck in a room with the person they’ve been avoiding? She would be cold to them. 

Are they a listener or a talker? If they’re a listener, what makes them talk? If they’re a talker, what makes them listen? She's a listener. Her nurturing nature makes her prone to listen to others.

 

What’s a phrase they say a lot? "Christ!"

Do they act on their immediate emotions, or do they wait for the facts before acting? Mary would wait for the facts before acting.

Who would / do they believe without question? Tommy Shelby.

What’s their instinct in a fight/flight/freeze/fawn situation? She flees unless she doesn't have a choice.

Colby: Will you marry me?

Arrow House, 31st of December, 11:30

Helen Bridge had finally been dealt with. After months of threatening Mary's life and putting Charlie in danger, her associates and her were finally killed. Mary and Charlie returned to Arrow House and they resumed living without a Damocles sword above their heads. The danger was no longer looming over them and for the first time in a while, Mary felt relaxed. Tommy found her in the living room. She had removed her shoes and was leaning against the couch with her legs crossed. A glass of whiskey was in her hand and her green eyes set upon him. With all of this ordeal she had not even tackled the fact that before Helen tried to kill her, Tommy had been more and more forgetful and more and more distant.  She wanted to talk to him about it, about why he had been distant from his family but now wasn't the time. Now, she wanted to celebrate their newfound freedom. 

« I think we earned it.. some rest at last. » She whispered while stretching a little bit on her seat. Tommy smirked and sat next to her. She was right, they earned this day off.

« We certainly did. » He said with a grin as he chugged down some of the whiskey in his glass. « Now what? »

« I don't know. It seems we can do anything now. What do you fancy Tommy? » -She asked with a lifted brow as she took another sip of whiskey.-

« I'm not really used to having days off, Mary. I would have suggested we drink and toast to a better future for both of us. »

« I see. Well, we can certainly toast to a better future for both of us. Ever since you put me at the head of the Grace Institute we really went through a lot of shit.  I do not know if we're at the end of our struggles but I sure as hell don't want anyone to come after us ever again. » She said as she cheered and toasted with Tommy Shelby who chuckled and scratched his cheek.

« You're optimistic, eh! »

« I'm not. Don't get me wrong, I am happy that my mother is dead. I am happy that she won't be able to hurt us ever again. I never thought I would say these words one day and yet here I am, grateful for the death of my mother. I could care less if she only went after me, Tom, but she also went after Charlie and I couldn't forgive this. Charlie is innocent, he's our son! He's done nothing to her but she couldn't handle the fact that I was close to him. She couldn't handle the fact her mixed-raced daughter survived. She's gone for good, but the state of this country surely worries me. You see it, the rise of the far-right. Ada's been attacked because she had a daughter with a black man. I have been... Some people are ruder to me than usual. It's in the air, something's shifting."

 

« I hear ya Mary. I wish that things had been different, that you wouldn't be threatened by cowards. I wish I could let my guard down, but in this world we live in, I just can't.  We can't. » Mary nodded and pointed her glass towards him.-

« Preach it! That's exactly how I feel. Some people are deceptive and they are so good at it that it's difficult to know who is a snake and who isn't. I am always quick to forgive and move on but I am no longer as trusting as I used to be before. I can't afford to lose Charlie or you for that matter so I will be careful from now on. » -She said as she emptied her glass.- 

Tom remained silent. He thought she looked beautiful when she was angry and he didn't see the need to add something to her last sentence. Instead, he wrapped his arm around her shoulder and pulled her into a hug against his large frame. Fighting Mary's mother, Helen, had proven to be mentally exhausting to both of them. Mary struggled with her desire to find her mother and connect with her and the harsh reality that was the rejection from the woman who gave birth to her. She was also very well-connected and Tommy found out that she could have killed Mary, their son, and the people she cared for if he had not been careful. They held onto one another during this ordeal but Mary felt grateful to be sharing a moment of levity and happiness with him. 

He smelled good that night, his usual alcohol, metal, and tobacco scent she couldn't forget. Tommy also seemed to be relaxed so it made her smile and she wrapped her arm around his waist while her other hand held onto her empty glass of whiskey. Her heart was racing against her ribcage as she was close to Tommy once again. How long had it been since the last time they actually had some intimacy? She couldn't tell... weeks maybe.. months? maybe.  Tommy had been very oblivious and absent for a while so for the rare moments they were together, she couldn't think of anything but making sure he was alright. She would tend to his wounds, make sure he ate well, and would simply let him reach out to her when he needed to. Tonight, of all nights, she wanted more than just a conversation. She needed reassurance, she needed his touch, she needed to feel him.

It felt like all these months spent waiting finally came to fruition tonight. They were together again in her apartment, holding each other while sharing a drink and she was relaxed. Her body language showed that Mary felt comfortable next to him. She felt good and warm against his frame and he couldn't help but feel the need to feel her against his frame some more. His question still echoed at the back of his head as he struggled not to answer it with honesty. Of course, he had an idea of what he wanted to do now that the threat posed by Mary's mother was now gone. He knew what he wanted and had for the last 2 years but didn't know if he was ready. So he grunted, feeling slightly uncomfortable and prompting Mary to look up at his face.

« What's wrong? » -She ended up asking-

« I'm okay. » He replied in yet another loud grunt, clearly signaling that he wasn't so Mary pulled away from him and crossed her arms over her chest. « What? »

« What's wrong Tom? » She asked again, this time putting the empty glass on the table in front of them. « I'm all ears. »

« It's just... Well, now that your mother is dead and the threat's gone, what are we gonna do now? »

« Right now? Drinking that whiskey you bought for us. » She was joking and it made him chuckle. It brought a smile to her face and a glow in her green eyes. Tommy cupped her cheek with his large calloused hand and stroked her skin with his thick fingers. Mary stopped smiling and gave him an intense look.« What do you want to do now? » She asked with a shaky voice. He could feel she was becoming more and more stressed as she didn't know how he would react and anticipated his rejection but he didn't say a word for a minute.

« I want to stay here tonight. With you. » He genuinely answered, while his hand grabbed her neck. It made her gasp and she bit her bottom lip. He smelled good, and he was so close to her face that she couldn't help but move forward so her nose could rub against his.

« You do? » She whispered to him, eyes half-closed as she relished in his scent and warmth. Where was this taking them? She couldn't anticipate and didn't know if this would lead them anywhere but she wanted to try and kept playing his game.

« I do. I'm done runnin' away Mary. Been doin' that for too long now. »

He said as he put his glass on the same table before he grabbed her other cheek. Now that her head was secure and she would have to look at him, Tom's blue gaze became more intense. Mary felt the shift in his mood and blushed softly as she had trouble concealing her intense attraction to him.

« What were you running away from Tom? » Mary asked in a whisper. It made him grunt and he leaned his forehead against hers. That was the moment. That was the moment he had to tell her how he truly felt but Tommy needed a moment to gather himself so he could open up again.  Mary's breathing became more labored as she searched for an answer in his eyes. « Tom... I'm not going anywhere... »

« I don't want you to. » He replied in a hoarse voice. « I want you near, always. »

« I'm not going anywhere. The closer to you, the better. » She whispered and bit her lips again. She shut her eyes tight and put her hands on his chest. He was broader than her, large and comforting. He pressed his forehead harder against hers.

« I was runnin' away from you » He began. Her eyes grew wide and she stiffened at his words but Tommy kept his hand on her cheeks and neck. « I was runnin' away from the promise of a new life. »

«.......Tom... » -The nurse whispered and put her hands on his cheeks so she could hold his sharp jaw.- 

His words were making her heart pound into her ribcage even harder because she realized he was going to talk about his feelings and she wasn't prepared. Her breathing became more labored and she could feel unshed tears fill her eyes.

« When we started to see each other, I was an empty shell, a grieving man who felt guilty for losing the people he loved. I lost so much Mary, John, Grace, my old friends.... my whole world...I was so deep into my pain that I couldn't see anything positive again... And then you came along and you patched me up.  You took care of me, of Charlie... You made our lives better. I was given a chance to love again and I wasn't sure I deserved it. I wasn't sure you wouldn't die because of me. »

« Is that why you were so cold to me, for all these years? » -She said in a broken voice.-

He didn't let go of her head and pushed it up so she would look into his eyes. She wanted answers to appease her soul. For so long Tommy had put a distance between Mary and him that she believed he didn't actually love her. Lizzie meddled with their relationship and eventually made Mary believe that she was nothing more than a glorified nanny for Charlie. It took one bold move on Mary's birthday night for her to realize that perhaps, there were deeper feelings Tommy felt for her. It took even more for Mary to eventually hear a confession from Tommy. It took more for her to eventually start to feel like he legitimately chose her to share his life. Even these last couple of months, Tommy had been extremely distant from his family. She first chalked it up to his wanderlust and desire for freedom. After a while, it became worrisome and while Tom didn't tell her about his blackouts and seizures, for Mary, it felt as if Tommy was avoiding his family. Tommy nodded to give her a non-verbal answer. She exhaled loudly and then started to sniffle and cry those unshed tears that had been pooling in her eyes.

« I didn't think I deserved you. I didn't want you to be in danger because of me. I wasn't ready Mary. » She nodded and shut her eyes tight while he wrapped his powerful arms around her frame to pull her into a tight hug.

« What are you trying to say, Tom ?.... » She asked in between sobs. Mary needed to hear it from him and he understood why. His hand stroked her head as he let his fingers get lost in her brown locks.

« I'm stupidly in love with you. I want to marry you. That's what I'm trying to say. Marry me, Mary Colson! » -His eyes were so intensely staring at her that they sent shivers down the spine of the nurse who simply pressed her lips against his. She couldn't speak, not yet. Information had to sink into her before she could say anything to him. The reaction was raw and clumsy. It wasn't the first time they kissed each other or even had sex, but she wanted him right here, right now.

« Say it again! » She whispered, moaning in between kisses as she quickly straddled his lap. Tommy leaned against the couch, hands on her sides as he hitched her dress up and he used his bare hands to tear apart her panties. She ripped open his tank top, eager to feel his skin,  and ran her hand down his belt buckle she took off and his zipper she pushed down hastily. She didn't want to wait, due to pent-up arousal and the rush of adrenaline through her veins. Tommy didn't complain and instead, let her set his cock free from his pants, only to push her bare slit against it.

« Marry me, Mary Colson.. » -He repeated in a gruff voice, enjoying the sound of it more and more.- 

She grinned and started to rock her hips, the friction only helping his cock to get a lot more wet from his precum. He groaned, enjoying the sensation of her warmth against his impatient length. He needed to be inside of her without any sort of delay. After so long away from the green-eyed beauty, Tommy Shelby didn't want to wait any longer. He had to own her again, to make her feel good and to hear her voice. She understood his feelings, and listening to him claim his love for her only aroused the nurse even more. She kept bucking her hips against his to smear his precum all over his cock and get herself ready from the sheer friction between them. 

«I love you, marry me! » He repeated, this time running his hands over her soft back and holding a fist of her brown locks. Mary groaned and ran her hands over his burly hairy chest and felt him lift her body up so he could grab his cock and rub its tip against her slit. She chuckled and pressed her lips against his while he teased her entrance.

« Go ahead... » Mary encouraged him while her hands went up to his shoulders. He made eye contact with her, to study her very reactions and stop if he noticed he should wait some more. Her green eyes were glowing with the light of desire and given how eagerly she tore his shirt, he knew she wanted it too. With one swift motion, he filled the woman he loved with his throbbing length and snapped his hips forward, making her squeal in the process. It felt good, she had to shut her eyes tight for a minute to adjust to him stretching her nice little-wet cunt the way he did. Her fingers cupped his rough face and she pressed another kiss to his lips. « I can feel you throb so hard inside of me... » She groaned, while she moved her hips slowly up and down, picking up an urgent pace.

« Yeah? » It was a rhetorical question. Of course, he knew. Of course, he felt his cock throb inside of her and reach the bottom of her warm wet walls. The nurse nodded and yanked her head back as she arched her back. His hands on her waist kept moving up and down so he could help her move on top of him. Her moans and his grunts filled the room before he pushed himself forward so he could sit straight on the couch. Mary smiled at him, lips still trembling due to her overwhelming joy and she ended up wrapping her arms around his shoulders and pulling him into a tight hug.

« I will marry you... »She managed to speak before he switched positions and laid her on her back onto the couch, while he still was inside of her. He didn't wait for her to adjust to this new situation and resumed pounding into her hard. Her toes curled and she matched his thrusts with her pelvis, enjoying every inch of his cock inside of her. Her fingers scratched his back, hard enough to make him hiss but not enough to injure him. His name was at the tip of Mary's lips, merely grunted into his ear as he pounded mercilessly into her. « To---Tom--!!! Fuck!» The nurse groaned as she felt him hit the bottom of her cunt and bury himself there. Her eyes revulsed and she arched her back. « Tom.. love. » She wrapped her arms around his neck, making him growl lowly as his nose rubbed against hers. « I love you. »

« I love you. »

He mumbled while his lips pressed against hers in a quick peck. She lost her fingers into his black mane and looked into his azure eyes. Mary wanted his very senses to be overwhelmed with their emotions. She wanted Tommy to feel how much she needed him by the way her body was moving under his and how wet and tight her welcoming core felt around him. She wanted Tommy to see her love in her green orbs and the need in her desperate scratching. 

There was no time for patience and foreplay or teasing and other gentle plays. They were sealing their love with an urgent fuck, a desperate need to possess the other and make it real. He would have marked her if he didn't have a sliver of control left in him and she would have marked him if her nails were longer but didn't need bites or scratches to know they belonged to each other. They knew. They always knew. So Tommy Shelby pushed harder into her tight crevice, stretching her good with his large meat until she couldn't breathe while his hips smacked their flesh together. He fucked her fast and hard, increasing the friction between the two of them until he felt he was close to his release.

« Cum for me! » -He commanded, making her whimper under his assault. She sunk her nails into his shoulders, her toes curling harder as he was fucking her into oblivion now. « I want to see you cum !»

« Ahhh.. yes.. yes! I'm cumming, cum with me... cum with me Tom! » -She encouraged him.-

Seeing her body jump beneath him aroused the gangster who ran his hand from her shoulder to her neck he squeezed gently. It was a turn-on for the nurse who couldn't help but scream as she finally hit her climax. He kept his hand there, buried his cock deep inside of her, and emptied himself in a low growl. Both remained silent as they stared at each other. Both could feel their hearts pumping hard into their veins and both were still riding their own climax. Mary cried, due to her powerful climax, and wiped her eyes clean. A smile crept on her lips and she chuckled softly to herself.

« What's funny? » -He managed to say as he rubbed his nose against her cheek. Tom still needed some time to fully go limp so he didn't withdraw just yet to enjoy his woman's warm and tight wet crevice.-

« We haven't been this intimate for a while...Talk about a slow burn. »

« I kinda like how it ended though. » -He said with a grin before he planted a kiss on her collarbone.-

« Are we sure it's the last of it? » -She teased him, her fingers still lost in his mane.-

« More like a beginning. » -He purred in her ear.- « Does that mean you and me, we're getting married? »

« Silly.....we are. And you know it! » -She said blushing while he nibbled on her neck.-

« I just wanted to hear it again. » -He grinned and kissed her breasts. Mary's laughter turned into a grunt and she nodded.-

« So greedy... so demanding. » She wrapped her legs around his waist and her arms around his shoulders. « I want to build something with you too. As much as I love having you between my legs and inside of me, I want more than that Tom. I want to be your wife. I want to be Charlie's stepmother. That's all I need. » She moistened her lips and ran her hand through her brown locks. It made him throb inside of her and elicit a moan from the nurse.

« I can do that. » -He answered while slowly shifting his hips to resume thrusting into her. He was far from being finished but was taking it slow, giving her time to recover from the emotional trainwreck that it was before.-

« My family. » 

She retorted with a grin. And after several minutes, they were at it again. When they first met each other, both were a mess. Both were in denial of their pain and found comfort in each other. Yes, of course, he did his best to ignore his feelings for her and pretended that when they had sex, it was not that deep. It was just a need for them to unwind and find comfort with each other. But the moment they kissed it was already too late. He was already deeply in love with her. She was already in love with him. Their path toward happiness took a complicated turn. He wanted to make her an honorable woman, a wife, someone who would be justified in the eye of the public as Tommy Shelby's wife. Tonight was the conclusion of years of frustration and denial of happiness. Tonight was the moment they left the world behind and started anew. They become more than friends or lovers... They were a family.

-TBC-

Colby: Ada and Mary - Bonding time

 "I admire you, Ada. You were able to move forward after the death of your husband."

Mary was still holding a glass of whisky. Ada came for a little visit and the two women ended up drinking together and reminisced about the times when John was still alive. They also talked about Ada's children and Charlie and little by little, they focused their conversation on themselves. Mary had always admired Ada's hard head and bravado. Ada was a no-nonsense woman who refused to be disrespected. She had endured the negative reaction towards her bi-racial child and had never let it interfere with her child's happiness. If anything, she was fiercely protecting her children, while also allowing herself the right to be happy and pursue that happiness. Her husband's life was over and had been for a decade by now, but hers was just at the beginning. She still had a lot to do and to see such a vibrant woman comforted Mary. 

Tommy's sister, however, felt that Mary was selling herself short. It was one thing to marry the love of one's life and to lose it to murder. It was another one to actually survive through the shitload of abuse Mary Colson went through and still keep a gentle heart. Surviving was not the most admirable thing about Mary. Everyone survived but not everyone kept a kind heart like Mary did. Not everyone could still see the good in people like Mary did. Not everyone was willing to give another chance at life, at love, at happiness like Mary did. Ada was admirative of that and she wanted Mary to be able to see it as well. While Mary was still drinking, she lit up a cigarette and slowly blew some of it before she said. 

"You managed to do just the same, Mary." 

"I didn't love my husband. I thought I did but I was just a child. After the death of our son, I grew up. I realized that I didn't love him but I hoped he did. I had no one else but him. When he died, I felt relieved."

Mary shook her head and furrowed her brows at Ada's reply. How could she say something like this? She blushed and set her green eyes upon the Shelby.  Ada curbed a brow, not because she didn't agree with what Mary was saying but because it still wasn't grounds to admire /her/. Ada went with the motion. It was hard as fuck to survive Freddie. It was difficult but she managed to keep going, one foot after the other. One day after the other. Mary fought against the odds and even then, even after she succeeded, she still believed that she didn't do enough, that she wasn't enough. That was a mindset Ada wanted to snap her out of. If anything, Mary proved that she was more than enough. 

"There's nothing to admire from me. I just did what I had to do for our child. I just did what I had to do that I knew he'd want me to. "

"It takes a lot of strength, Ada.  It took me so long before I felt the desire to live again. It took the love of Charlie... It took Tommy... It took your family for me to actually start to heal. For so long I felt like a walking corpse. Walking aimlessly and feeling numb. I didn't have a goal and I felt that I had nothing to look forward to. I just...I was lost for so long, Ada. So fucking long." -She said, taking another sip of her whisky. Ada's blue gaze softened and she blew some smoke before her free hand gently held onto Mary's.-

"I understand. More than you know. I understand exactly what you said. I just couldn't fail my child back then and  I can't fail my children today so...I have to keep moving. Mary, I admire you as well. I think that it takes a lot of guts to endure all you have to endure and to survive. You managed to build a life for yourself, to find your way back to life. Ever since you came into our lives, I have felt better. Tom's happier... Charlie too. You're kind. I am not. You're still kind despite what life gave you and this.... this I admire." -Ada then squeezed Mary's hand who smiled at her-

"You shouldn't be admiring me, but... I do appreciate the kind words you have for me. I didn't know you thought this about me."

" There are a lot of things I do think. I don't always have the time to speak on it or my brother doesn't have it in him to listen to me. Still... I am happy you're in our lives, Mary. And it's not too far-fetched to think that we all do." 

She blew another smoke and leaned into her chair but before they could eventually keep talking, a loud cry could be heard in the living room. Elisabeth was crying, which alerted Ada who quickly stood up and waltzed to the living room, only to find her daughter cut open on her forehead, her older brother was trying to dab a handkerchief on her forehead while Charlie was running out of the room. He bumped into Ada who asked him what happened and he explained that they were running around and Elisabeth hit the corner of the table and ended up cutting her forehead up. The two women looked at each other and Mary nodded. She would quickly take care of it and make sure she would stitch Elisabeth up so there would be no deep scar left. Ultimately, wasn't it how chaotic life was supposed to be when there were children? Strangely enough, this very mundane thing reassured Mary. All was well. All would be well. 

COLBY: Where is the man I love

Mary had made her request, with a little bit of apprehension in her voice, but she still made it. She requested for Tommy Shelby to attend the family holidays. He usually attended them until Grace's death. He did it once and then stopped doing it altogether. Ada took over. She decided to organize the holidays so the children would actually have a little bit of joy and whimsy in their lives. Mary joined and helped her in her endeavor but it became quite obvious that Tommy's absence was heavily felt by his son and by Mary. Ada noticed how upset it made the young woman, so she pulled her aside and talked some sense into her skull. "Go talk to my brother and demand that he attends these holidays. It's for your sake and Charlie's.  If he refuses, tell him that my husband would have attended if he was alive and he shouldn't compete with a dead man. he shouldn't be told to be there for his son at all." And the sentence was enough to convince Mary it was time to speak out. 

She anticipated his reaction and imagined that he would not make it a struggle but he didn't do it. instead, he agreed to be there on Christmas Eve so he could celebrate the holidays with his son and his woman. It took the young woman aback as she didn't expect him to agree without even putting up a fight. Yet, as was typical for  Tommy Shelby, he didn't say much either. He simply contemplated her for a long time, his blue eyes searching her soul as if to answer questions he had in his head. He didn't say much and didn't allow her to properly explain her reasoning. That frustrated the nurse who furrowed her brows and put both hands on the table. 

"That's it? You're not going to ask me why all of a sudden I am making this request?"

"Why would I? You want me to spend some time with me son and you, then that's what I'm going to do."

" You can be exhausting when you want to, Tom!" She exclaimed and then bit the tip of her thumb.- "I wanted to say that you've been quite absent these past months. I get that part of it was because of your business..... and part of it was because you need your time outside, alone. It's just become more frequent. You're outside more than you're here with us and ultimately, your son is growing up without a father and I am.... getting older without my man. It is as if we're a house of two instead of a house of three." -She pointed out "It seems as if you don't want to see us. Is that it, Tom? Are we boring you?"

He could tell she was nervous by how she was playing with her fingers and Tommy blinked several times at her words. How on Earth did she draw this conclusion? How could she think that she was boring and he wanted to escape his family when all he wanted was to have a family? He didn't reply to her as he was looking for the right words to say and she didn't add anything to her claims, because she knew he was searching for an answer. He could see how exhausted she was, the dark circles under her eyes betrayed her tiredness and the way she kept biting at her thumb indicated that she was anxiously awaiting his reply. what could he say to her that could bring some relief? 

"Mary! You're making a tempest out of a glass of water. I'm not bored by you or my son. My mind has indeed been... focused elsewhere but that doesn't mean you're not every day on my mind. I will make up to you both by being there for the holidays."

"I....... Uf! I suppose that you want this conversation to be done now that you've told me you would attend the holiday celebrations? Do you think it's that easy? That I just have to nod in agreement and everything would be alright? Tom! I!!!" She sighed deeply and ran her hand on her face. "I.." She chewed at her bottom lip, deciding that it wasn't worth screaming about. He would listen and would lock himself into his infamous silences. "Just make sure that you see our boy more often. I promised him that his father actually wanted to spend time with him, so don't make me lie to Charlie."

He ended up grabbing her hand and kept it in both of his larger hands. Mary gasped and then looked at his face, confused about what he wanted to do. Tom then stood up and walked behind her. He then wrapped his arms around her frame, keeping both arms and hands against her chest. He was, in a way, giving Mary a hug from behind, and that made the woman tear up. She leaned her head against his and without saying a word, relied on him. She needed to be reassured and he was doing just that, a hug, one of many he should have given her by now. 

One of many he intended to give her. 

COLBY: I don't know how to tell you

 Sometimes words get stuck at the back of our throat and I would look at you, and you would look at me, and silence would settle in between the two of us. 

Sometimes, I don't know how to tell you that I love you and because I do, I am ready to sacrifice everything so you could be happy. I don't know how to tell you that I am very aware that you can't be satisfied with the life you lead because you will always seek more. You will always...always... be on the move because you can't handle settling down. 

This is who you are, a black stallion. This is who I love. The gangster, the soldier, the MP, and the Father. This is you...who I love and while I can't always articulate the way you make me feel... I can still look into your blue eyes and let you know.

Colby: Telling him about Alfie

 "Come again, Mary! Who talked to you?"

Mary stopped herself mid-sentence as she didn't expect Tommy to interrupt her in the middle of her monologue. He was livid and held his chin with his large hand, making her blink several times.  She put her brush on her vanity desk and turned around to face the gangster who had put the newspaper he was reading on the night desk. The gangster stood up and ran his hand over his face while Mary tilted her head to the side, confused about Tom's reaction to her story. Why was he restless all of a sudden? 

"What's going on? Did I say something bad?" -He shook his head- "I was telling you about my encounter this afternoon. Ultimately, we didn't agree on anything and he left. I refused his offer. Did I do wrong?"

"No. No Mary you didn't do anything wrong. Please, tell me again what was his name?"

"Alfie... Alfie Solomons. Tom...What's going on?" 

As she confirmed what he heard the first time, Tommy Shelby's face became even paler. He couldn't fathom that his woman had been in contact with one of his frenemies. Could he consider Alfie like a friend? They have been associated and they fought against common enemies in the past. He had betrayed him several times and nearly cost him his life and the lives of his brothers. Alfie couldn't be trusted and while Tommy and the man had some level of respect for each other, he couldn't possibly be happy to learn that he snuck into the institute, managed to isolate his Mary, and went as far as threatening her. He didn't call her slurs, which would have meant to anger the Peaky Blinder but he still threatened her. Tom pointed his finger at Mary, looking for something to say to her without alarming the woman. They weren't enemies at the time being and Alfie did compliment Mary on her level-headed judgement. Still, he figured out that Tommy loved this woman, and that put a target on her back. 

"Tom! Stop pacing around at once and tell me what's going on. Do you know that man?"

Tom stopped and put his hands on his waist. Mary stood up and walked to The Shelby who clenched his jaw. He didn't want to scare Mary and it bothered him that he had to throw her into the violence of his world. For years the family agreed that it would be best if she knew nothing about their business. The less she knew, the less she was in danger. For years it worked and she had been able to stay safe and keep her beautiful soul. He didn't want to ruin it but Alfie forced his hand and he was left lowering his head. Mary furrowed her brows and gently cupped his cheek. She lifted his head so she could stare at his face and ran her hand over his hair. 

"Alfie Solomons is a very dangerous man, Mary. We... did business together and he's not really someone I trust. He had no right to come to you and threaten you. He had no right to come and put you in danger."

"Do you think he would have killed me at the institute?" -He shook his head- "Then, why are you scared?"

"It's the possibility that you could have been hurt. It's the possibility that you could have been used against me. It's the fact you were thrown into a world I wanted to protect you from." 

He cupped her cheeks with both hands and gently lifted her head so he could set his blue eyes on her green orbs. Mary's eyes shifted from left to right and dropped her hands so she could hold onto his shirt. She didn't like to see a worried Tom, especially now that the event had happened and he couldn't do anything about it. He couldn't change the outcome, he couldn't prevent Alfie from meeting Mary and he definitely couldn't keep his own feelings for the woman from his "friend".  She blinked for a moment before he ended up sneaking her arms around her frame and pulled her into a hug. She wrapped her arms around his frame and kept him tightly held against her.

"I see. It's alright! I'm fine! I didn't realize that you knew the man but I assumed he wanted to reach out to you. Somehow."

"And it worked. I will find him and tell him to never step foot at the institute ever again. I will make sure he leaves you alone and...I will tell you to keep you out of his business."

He would have a conversation with the man, and perhaps, knowing Alfie, they would strike a deal to ensure Mary's protection. He didn't want to admit that Alfie managed to circumvent the presence of the peaky protection he put in the institute and if he managed to do it, Tom's enemies would also manage to do it and he couldn't have it. Tom relished in Mary's scent, the little notes of vanilla filled his nostrils and he felt reassured to be able to hold his woman in his arms. For a brief moment, he relived the death of Grace, the fact she was killed by a bullet meant for him. He had always feared putting Mary in the same danger of losing her life and he refused to face his feelings for her for fear of going through another loss. She could tell that he was afraid. Tommy was rarely pale like death so to see him turn so livid was enough for her to try and comfort him. Her hand stroked his back at a slow pace and she pressed kisses to his shoulders. 

She was fine. 

She was fine. 

She was scared.

-TBC-

Colby: His wanderlust

 Mary's discomfort about his prolonged absences. He knew that she embraced him as he was, with his secrets, with his wanderlust, with his PTSD. He knew that she would not leave his side, regardless of her own desires but he wasn't so blind that he didn't see how much it was hurting her. 

Mary was left behind by every people she needed in her life. Her own mother abandoned her. The nuns who raised her never comforted her. Her own husband, once he made her work for both of them, never met her needs. And her own son died in her arms thirty minutes after his birth. Tommy did his best, he really did his best so she wouldn't feel lonely but it didn't work the way he wanted it to. He still left her to satisfy his need for wanderlust. And she never complained. 

But he could see it in her eyes. The hurt. The sadness. The disappointment and the exhaustion. He could see it in her eyes and he tried to make amends. He tried his best but deep down he believed that he didn't do enough. He believed he could never do enough.

Colby: His wandering heart

He came back.

He came back, just like he said he would, except it took him more than two weeks to go home. I have been waiting for him for God knows how long, and despite the tears, the anguish, and the fear of him dying far away from his family, somehow, I still had hope. He came back, with his face bruised, blood splattered all over it and his knuckles red from exertion... from the blood they got on, from perhaps some bruises he got after punching faces way too hard. His outfit was cut here and there, torn here and there and his hair was disheveled. I didn't know what to make out of it but it was obvious that he had been in a fight. My first instinct was to go to him and slap the shit out of his face. I have been worried sick for weeks because he didn't contact us. We didn't hear from him. We didn't know if he was alive or dead. Mind you, if he had been killed, all of Birmingham would have known. Still.. I had to slap him for him to know just how much I was hurt by his absence. 

He didn't flinch, he didn't quip.. he didn't do anything but stood right there before me. I noticed he was shaking and I remembered a conversation we had, where he explained to me that he got the shakes when he had to kill someone up close and personal. What could I say? What could I do if not help him? I put aside my anger and I led him to our bed. I started to clean the blood off of his hands first. I cleaned thoroughly and I went on to clean his neck, his face, and his hair. We didn't speak because what could be said? I think... when I started to clean his hair,  that’s when he wrapped his arms around my waist. I let him do it. I let him get close to me because I knew he needed my comfort. I knew he was having a PTSD episode. How could I not give him a way to anchor himself back into reality? I couldn't deny him so I let him hold me.

« I didn’t want to leave you alone. I didn’t mean to. » -I knew he did. He never lied to me.-

« I know. » 

« I wanted to go home, Mary. I needed to go home. » -He moaned out. I could feel the pain in his voice. He was so lost that for a moment I just forgot about my own feelings. All I wanted was for him to feel safe and to be cleaned from the  blood he had on him-

« I know you hate it when I am not here for too long.  I keep promising you that I would come back and I keep disappointing you. »  -A truth about the situation. At long last he's acknowledging it, but I know that it's only because he's in distress right now.-

« It is the way it is… I know you want to come home but your line of work…. Your ambition would always make it impossible for you… »

« Mary… please. Stop trying to make excuses for me. You are hurt. I know it. »

« ……. »

I was left speechless for a moment because as much as I could see "through him" at this moment, he was able to see right through me.

« And you want me to be home so I can be with you and Charlie. You want me to see my son…so don’t tell me that you understand. Don't tell me you're fine... » 

« Tom…. You are a Black stallion. I can’t ask you to chain yourself to your family when it’s not in your nature. Do I want to see you more? Yes, I do. I don’t want to love an image. I don’t want to love a memory. I want to love /you/. To be able to show it to you…. But at the same time, because I love you, I can’t ask you to stay here with us….When I know you yearn for your freedom. »

I was shaking and Tom noticed it. He could see that my eyes were slowly getting filled with unshed tears. He could see that I was upset but I was trying not to be. He could see that I wished for him to be home more often...But I couldn't tell him these words because it would be akin to chaining him to me. He was a free man and nothing and no one should come between him and his freedom. I knew he loved me... I knew he cared but I also knew that he needed to leave and be by himself. I guess... His face warmed up and I could see that his thousand-yard stare was gone now that he had noticed I was hurting. He was back into reality.. back to me.

« Then, it is said. I am hurting you. I am making you sad. » -He stroked my back and arm and as I released his face, he snuggled against my frame. I didn't know what to do for a couple seconds but I  wrapped my arms around his shoulders and kept him close to my heart.

« Please forgive me, Mary. »

« You are already forgiven, Tommy. » -I meant it-

« I can be selfish. I know it. And there are days when my desires would always trump anyone else’s… but I came home because I wanted to. Because I needed to. I needed to see you, Mary. I needed to feel you.  If you leave I…. » 

« I won’t leave... » I ran my hand through his hair. « How could I do such a thing? » 

I would never no matter how hard it is, choose to leave Tom. We have been in each other's lives for a decade, I saw him overcome hardships, be punished by God, trying to redeem himself. I watched him go through so much and still move forward. Battered and bruised but still alive. It became obvious to me, that I had fallen for him after the death of Grace. It became even more obvious to me after John died. Tommy was the man I chose to love and the man I would always support, no matter where I decided to go. Still, there was some truth in his words. I was so focused on his happiness that I forgot about mine. What did I want? What did I need? What did I wish for myself? I wanted a family. I wanted to have something for myself. I wanted him...to be in my life. I wanted a family and I wanted him to be a part of it. I was hurting because he was away for far too long and more and more which left us with little to no time spent together. I felt that he wanted to leave me, that he needed to breathe, and that I couldn't bring him any peace... It was killing me inside and I couldn't find the right way to tell him. So I didn't.

« You could leave because you deserve better than what I give you.  I am... not giving you what you deserve. I can clearly see it. And yet you stay here. » 

I cut him short. I yelled a little bit because I couldn't just accept what he was saying to me. 

« Enough! Enough, Tom! I am not your prisoner, Tom. Love might not be a choice, but staying here is… I choose to stay!! I choose you… regardless of the heartache… of the loneliness…. I choose our family. » I kept stroking his hair. « You are an extraordinary man. I can’t lock you in a mundane life because it doesn’t suit you. I will always be there, Tom... Because I love you and because I want to be.»

It seemed to have shut the conversation down for the time being. I knew he listened. I knew he understood and I could feel that he was breathing normally again. I ran my fingers through his hair and kissed the top of his head, holding him as tight as I could.  

COLBY: "Her hands weren't meant to kill."

Her hands weren't meant to kill. Arthur had told Mary that he hated the idea of her pulling on a trigger. He didn't want her darling hands to be used for something other than healing others. She was a nurse, after all, it was her calling to be among those who try their best to save lives.  He told her that while he was put on Earth to take lives and soil his fists with blood and other human waste, she should be stitching people back together, putting them back to health. She chuckled and gently told Arthur that no matter how they imagined their lives, reality would always have a way to shake them up. No one, especially in these early industrial years, was spared by life.  She would have to take a life whether she wanted it or not. Arthur promised her she wouldn't have to and he tried, God did he try to protect Mary to the best of his ability. Unfortunately, he couldn't spare her the trauma of killing someone. Neither could Tommy. 

Her hands weren't meant to kill. Tommy always said it when she wanted to know about his business. He kept telling her that the best thing for her was to be kept in the dark about whatever business he was doing because it was best if she spent her energy on something else. He wanted her to focus on the children of Grace's Institute because he believed she was really helping shape these young minds into better adults than they were. He believed in her ability to nurture the gentler side of these orphans and by extension, the side of the adults around them. He did his best to keep her out of harm's way but even with his best efforts, Tommy wasn't superhuman. There were still powerful men with strings they could pull to hurt Mary. There were still enemies he made along the way to absolute power in Birmingham, enemies who forced Mary's hand. He still remembered when he rushed to her side, the shell-shocked face she had on, the shaky hands, the blood that soiled her face, her hands, arms..her dress. It was a sight he wished never to see again. It was a sigh he vowed never to see again and as he took the gun away from her hands, Tommy grabbed the back of her neck and leaned his forehead against hers. 

Her hands weren't meant to kill. Mary had always known it. She imagined she would be surprised by Death and would not be able to put up a fight but Life proved her wrong. She fought. She always fought for her life. If it wasn't by mentally breaking free from the heavy influence and control of her first husband, Carter, it was by physically fighting off assailants. Long before a gun was put in her hands, she would use anything near her, anything she had to protect herself. She had scratched, bit, slapped, and even punched people who had tried to hurt her. She had stabbed those who threatened children and now... now she had shot at someone to save both her life and the life of a child... her child... Charlie. She protected him and it only took Tommy's gentle hand on her cheek and intense blue gaze on her, for Mary to come back to her senses and realize what had just happened. She cried and hugged Tommy to find some comfort in the awful truth that she had, indeed, taken a life. Her hands weren't meant to kill... and despite this truth, Mary knew that she was ready to do it, to protect the ones she loved. 

Colby: You can't compliment your way into Tommy Shelby's heart

Niceties wouldn’t get you far with Tommy Shelby. He didn’t like those who spoke to him with a silver tongue, mostly because he knew that they were hiding something. Tommy wasn’t vain and certainly couldn’t be swayed by a couple of compliments, he would perhaps entertain your attempt at stroking his ego but he would squash it into nothingness. Compliments weren’t his currency for he dealt with violence. He only struck deals with people he respected or he knew would guarantee his success. He could suffer a dinner or two with politicians - known ass-kissers and liars- to advance his goal but he would never fail for their words and promises. 

Still, some believed they could make him swallow their lies. Some believed they could manipulate and tame the black stallion when in truth he couldn’t be tamed. Nothing could keep him grounded, stuck with regular humans with little to no ambition. Nothing could keep him at home. Mary knew it and while she embraced the king of Birmingham as he was, she couldn’t hide the fact that his absences took a toll on her and Charlie. She couldn’t hide the fact she missed him. She couldn’t hide her feelings… no matter how hard she tried. And he saw right through her much to his dismay.

Colby: There it was

There it was, a smile at long last! 

Mary rarely smiled, not even when she was outside acting like the headmistress of the Grace Institute. Only children could witness her warmth and kindness. Only a few could catch her smiling when she was in a good mood. Arthur did, once, and Polly managed to see some more but it was Tommy who saw her smile the most. With him, Mary was vulnerable. She allowed him to see her at her lowest. She allowed him a lot of things. 

But even when she had a smile plastered on her face, the trained eye could see she was hiding something more sinister. A pain that was not explained. A pain she would stifle and bury as she refused to talk about it. 

A pain sometimes caused by Tommy Shelby and his longer absences. A pain caused by the memories of her son, a poor soul that joined the angels. A pain caused by her first husband and the horrific circumstances of their meeting, wedding, and his death. 

Mary felt forsaken by God. She grew up believing that she was hated by him and had to repent for the sin of her birth. She believed that any pain and trauma she experienced was payback for her existence. She sometimes still feels as if she shouldn’t be there or shouldn’t be loved and yet….. yet…she kept a smile on her face. She held onto her life and the people who made it worth living. She kept fighting for her redemption. 

There it is, at long last a smile on her face!

colby: Who was there?

"And who was there for me when I was breaking down? I am not a Madonna. I am not a saint, I am not without vices flaws, and fears. And what happens when I can't control it? What happens when I can't hide it anymore? Who is going to try and soothe my heart? Who is going to comfort me? Or should I remain silent and just take it, like I usually do? like I always do? Should I just let it eat away at my heart? 

You speak of me as if I was a cure to all of your ailments. As if I was not able to break down or be hurt when you're silent for months when you disappear and I have no goddamn idea of where you are and what you're doing. When you're so far away I can only pray for your safe return because I can't sleep at night. I can't when I imagine Arthur would come to me and tell me you're dead. I can't when I can see our son cry his eyes out because he saw your dead body in the streets. I can't because I know what you're looking for and why you're trying too damn hard to die. 

The only thing that crosses my mind on nights like these, is why I failed you. What didn't I do to help you? How could I let you suffer in silence, long enough for you to try to join your loved ones on the other side?  the only thing that crosses my mind is that I didn't love you enough because if I did... you'd feel better....So don't tell me that I'm your guardian angel. Don't tell me that I am a saint. Don't tell me that I have helped you when I can clearly see you're breaking down too.... so... I ask again... when all is said and done, who is going to comfort me when I am breaking down?"

COLBY: "It was you, Mary."

"It was /you/ Mary who stopped my heart from breaking when I was at my lowest.

It was /you/, Mary; who kept me together all those years after Grace's death... After John's..

It was /you/, Mary, who silenced my nightmares and helped me find my sleep again.

So don't tell me that you're wasting my time. Don't tell me that you're holding me back.

Don't fucking tell me that I would be better if you were gone.

If you've gone... If you're gone. It's my brain matter you'll find scattered around. It's my blood and my guts you'll find on that very floor. So... please... Don't go. Don't leave me"

colby: shorts

 Tommy aged gracefully. Mary was head over heels for him and had been for quite some time. She thought he was beautiful, from the intense blue eyes to his lips. She loved to run her hands through his rich black locks and her fingers traced his features, his thick brows, his deep-cut cheeks, his square jaw. She loved to trace his ears with her fingers, press her lips to his neck, nuzzle his neck and shoulders. He was a handsome man and the only thing she wished she could do was to grow old with him

xx

Mary's green eyes were a rare sight in Birmingham. Her caramel skin contrasted so well with her eyes that it was difficult to forget her face. Mary was beautiful, far more than she could imagine but  she doesn't realize just how much she captivates those who set their eyes on her.

xxx

"I wonder at times if you understand my heavy silence. I wonder if you realize that I feel I can't say the words I want to say or express the thoughts that plague my heart because I'm worried... I'm worried you would not understand and you would be angry with me. I'm worried because you might feel that I don't trust you...When I would put my life in your hands in a heartbeat. When I would trust you would survive anything you might want to do. When I gave you my heart to keep. 

Still... 

Sometimes I wonder if you realize that  I can't bear the idea of your death. I can't bear it...Despite your desire to keep moving until you find someone stronger than you. Despite your desire to play daredevil so you could feel alive. Despite your anguish and guilt over the deaths of your family. I fear your death. I fear losing you. I fear losing you,... I don't want to be in a world where you're not but how could I tell you these words without you lashing out? So I swallow my words. I swallow my tears. I put a smile on my face because I trust you will survive your enemies. I trust you will come back to me. I trust we would live together and raise our children...should we have any together...God's willing...God's willing.

Still...."

Colby: heavy silence

 "I wonder at times if you understand my heavy silence. I wonder if you realize that I feel I can't say the words I want to say or express the thoughts that plague my heart because I'm worried... I'm worried you would not understand and you would be angry with me. I'm worried because you might feel that I don't trust you...When I would put my life in your hands in a heartbeat. When I would trust you would survive anything you might want to do. When I gave you my heart to keep. 

Still... 

Sometimes I wonder if you realize that  I can't bear the idea of your death. I can't bear it...Despite your desire to keep moving until you find someone stronger than you. Despite your desire to play daredevil so you could feel alive. Despite your anguish and guilt over the deaths of your family. I fear your death. I fear losing you. I fear losing you,... I don't want to be in a world where you're not but how could I tell you these words without you lashing out? So I swallow my words. I swallow my tears. I put a smile on my face because I trust you will survive your enemies. I trust you will come back to me. I trust we would live together and raise our children...should we have any together...God's willing...God's willing.

Still...."

COLBY: Stepping out in society

"I promise it's not going to happen again." -Tommy said but Mary didn't look at him-

The evening was eventful and quite a disaster. It was supposed to be her big night, the moment everyone would finally be introduced to Tommy Shelby's new woman. Her big reveal was a catastrophe. Some people freaked out because she was a black woman, attending their party as their "equal".  Some people tried to seduce her, aroused by her exotic features and curvaceous body.  Some just flat-out decided to ignore her presence. Mary was made to feel like a stranger, like someone who didn't belong to the high society and it took all of her willpower to maintain a poker face. Deep down, she was hurt, because she could see the disapproval on the faces of Tommy's supporters and colleagues. She could see the lust in some others that made her feel uneasy because she knew why they were looking at her like that. Perhaps she was nothing more than an exotic bird Tommy bought for his own entertainment. They didn't take her seriously, they didn't take Tommy seriously. She could not possibly be his new woman! 

"You don't know it, Tom." -His heart sank a little bit-

Her heart was aching and she had been holding back her tears ever since they left the party. Tom stood by her, especially as he noticed how passive-aggressive some people were to her. He hated the way they scrutinized Mary, judged her before even meeting her, and gossiped behind her back. He hated the way these men were looking at her as if she was candy as if they were undressing her with their eyes and at the edge of begging Tommy to sell her to them. Very few acted candidly nice to her. Very few managed to keep her calm and focused on their welcoming nature. Unfortunately, Tom watched as anger and anguish built over the night and when the gala was over, she didn't even wait for him to leave the premises.  She didn't mind the rain, she didn't care about being soaked from the rain as long as she could get away from these people.  So, Tommy found her soaked and crying her soul out next to their car. She refused to let him touch her, not yet not when she was still upset and could potentially hurt him

"It's true." He conceded "Mary." He began with, walking closer to her "Mary." His voice was softer now as he wanted to soothe her. It caught her attention and had her turn her head around and glance at him. "It's going to be okay."

"How? How is it going to be okay?" -Her lips were trembling-

"I don't know yet. We'll figure it out."

He tried to be reassuring but it had little to no effect on her. She shrugged and ran her hand through her wet curly locks. Her green eyes scanned the living room they were at and she just closed her eyes.

"I don't know Tom... I don't know..."

"I'm standing right there. Do you need something?" 

She turned around, nodding frantically before she opened her arms and walked towards him for a hug. As he wrapped his arms around her frame and kissed the top of her head, Tommy was thinking to himself about what would come up next. They would have to deal with the public eye and it was a very turning point for him on a personal and professional level.  He expected their reaction to seeing Mary and he commended her for being so brave in the face of adversity and never allowing them to decipher her true feelings. Still, he wanted to make sure that the world knew he chose her and should fucking respect her. As he was lost in his thoughts, Mary wrapped her arms around his frame and hugged him tightly. He stroked her arms and back and gently suggested that they should go and she should get dry lest she wanted to get sick. He would spend the night trying to comfort her, to bring back a smile on her face, and reassure her that he would want no one by his side but her. No one else. 

COLBY: A promise

Perhaps this is a promise of a better evening. 

I will be on the lookout during the night, in hopes to find your cerulean eyes set upon mine. 

In hopes it will be followed by a gentle touch, a firm grip, a possessive embrace from me to you. Perhaps...oh perhaps you will get the hint of my true intentions in the words I would whisper in your ear. 

I hope so. 

I need so.

COLBY: Meeting Alfie

Mary exited the office of the headmistress of the Grace Institute. She held her belly and was not steady on her two legs. She had issues breathing for stress was slowly but surely strangling her windpipe. Henrietta delivered such bad news she wasn't fully sure she could process everything. She should have known, though, that the situation would take a turn for the worst as soon as Oswald Mosley created his new party. This man's hateful drivel poisoned the ears of a lot of people and was the direct cause of the rise of violence against people of color and people who treated them well. Not so long ago, it was Ada who was the target of a brick attack and an intimidation campaign because she had a child with a black man. These days, it was the Grace Institute that became the target of random attacks. the nurses found every morning racist messages painted on the walls, either a headless chicken laid on the front door or children of color were heckled by men on the street whenever they were outside.  Tommy had been informed, before Mary, about the situation and he doubled the security of the institute to ensure that the children were not physically attacked and to deter people from painting on the walls again. he also made sure that Mary's Peaky boys would be more experienced so she would have a better protection. Mary herself had been informed last to not worry her more than she already was. There was already so much to deal with: her mother's return in her life and attempt at killing her, Archer's recent demise but the revelation that Michael was the one who tipped him off about Mary and Tommy's Gin business... How could she focus? 

"Finally Ms Colson, You're quite rare to catch!" -A voice came out of nowhere. It startled Mary so much that she yelped and covered her mouth before looking in the direction of the man who spoke to her-

"I'm sorry... You have nothing to do here unless you have an appointment with the headmistress." -She managed to say but the name didn't seem phased by her reaction.  A quick glance around her and Mary noticed that her peaky boys were nowhere to be seen.-  "Who... Who are you?"

"I do have an appointment with the headmistress, Ms Colson. I'm having it right now!" -He said, offering his arm for her to take- "Let's go for a walk shall we? I heard you had wonderful gardens."

He was unnerving, to say the least. Mary didn't know who this man was for it was the very first time she ever met him. She couldn't help but notice the various scars on his face and knuckles. His left cheek was disfigured as if he had suffered a gunshot to the face. She noticed he was blind in the left eye and noticed that his hands had fought, maimed, and maybe even killed someone. His hands were like Tommy's, except he was adorned with rings.  at the top of his head was a black hat and upon careful observation, Mary noticed he was sharply dressed. He had money.  Her green eyes then averted from his face to the path before her. He knew where to go since he was the one leading the way. Had he been there before? She couldn't tell. He knew she wasn't the headmistress, everyone knew she was not yet, the headmistress yet he addressed her as if she was. Could it be that he wanted to see her?  Uneased by the situation but careful, Mary decided to play along but stayed prepared in case this was a trap and that man wanted to hurt her. 

"I heard you were the targets of attacks?" -She blinked and nodded, assuming that he might have seen the painted words a couple weeks before- "Do you know who is responsible?"

"We're looking into it... My priority is to keep the children safe." -She didn't want to risk angering the man so she didn't tell him her full thoughts on the situation.-

"Keeping them safe, eh? With what? Are you going to scold the perps with a stern look, Ms Colson? i"m not sure this is a safe tactic."

"Who spoke about scolding people? Do you think I am unaware of what the grief against the institute is?"

"No no.. I would not claim such a thing. You're clever, Ms Colson. You know damn well what's going on. These people won't stop unless they have a bullet right to the face, you know?"

"Are you suggesting you would be firing those bullets?" -He laughed and pointed his forefinger at her as if to say something or make a point go harder but instead he kept laughing which made Mary furrow her brows.- "You know who I am but I have not been introduced to you, sir. State your name and state your purpose otherwise, I am afraid I cannot keep walking with you like that."

He looked at her and as they were still walking through the hallway, he couldn't release her arm. If he did, she would just run away given how stiff she became since he took her away. The man stroked his chin, considering his options before he casually said his name. Given Tommy's reputation and the rumors around this romance of his with Mary Colson, she knew nothing about the business. She wouldn't know who he was which would make her retelling of the events to Tommy all the more grandiose. They met a short while ago and he had claimed to Tommy that he would remain a dead man for it gave him a more comfortable life, away from the crime, away from troubles but Tommy never believed him. He could never truly be far away from business. 

"Alfie Solomons, ma'am." -He said, a little grin crept on his lips. She didn't know the name so she was not phased at all by his answer -"I wanted to become a donor to your institute and see what my money could contribute." -Her face softened as she realized that it was a man who wanted to help invest in the institute and given the situation with Oswald Mosley and the likely decision for many to stop financing the Institute, money was more than welcome. Mary relaxed and offered him a soft smile as they took a turn to the right, getting closer to the garden.

"Mister Solomons. I am pleased to see that you want to become a donor. It's... uh... It's been rarer since the rise of a very negative sentiment across the country.  We believe in the education of our children. We want to ensure them a good education so they can have good jobs and succeed in life. We want to ensure their good health, so we work with doctors who visit regularly the children and care for them. We work with--"

"I'm not interested in this shit. We want the best for the children, here and there, look at us parading our top-notch education and our top-notch doctors and whatever shit you want to give the children these days. I don't care about it. I'm wondering how you're going to protect them if some savages decide to storm the place with machine guns and pull the trigger."

"Are you... threatening me Mister Solomons?" -She asked, swallowing a hard lump as she could feel her heartbeat go faster. What type of donor wanted to know how she was going to defend the institute in case of an attack? Where were her bodyguards? She realized that there was no one in the hallways since she crossed it with Alfie Solomons as if the institute had been emptied by someone. She could feel shivers go down her spine and her eyes grew wide open. 

"Threatening you? Nonsense! I'm asking you the real questions here, Ma'am. You have children under your fucking care and you're unable to tell me how you're going to protect them? What? Do you think that Oswald Mosley and the mob who think like him would not try and burn this place to the ground? Do you think they aren't dreaming about roasting your corpse after they hanged it? They started with paint and insults and the next step is going to try and do you some harm. Your defenses are weak. your protection almost inexistent. What are you going to do about it? Fucking answer me!"

"I am not afraid of fucking racists who try to intimidate or hurt the children of the institute. Don't you come to my place and lecture me about protection Mister Solomons. I am not naive and definitely not helpless. If they try to kill me, they better pray to their gods I don't get to kill them first." She squeezed his hand and sunk her nails into his hardened skin. 

It made Alfie curb a brow, surprised to see so much spunk from that woman who seemed easily impressionable. Could it be that he was wrong about her?  He looked at her face, which was hard to read. He could tell she was scared given the slight tremble of her bottom lip but nothing else betrayed her emotions. Nothing else betrayed her, which showed how strong her nerves were.  

"Good! That was what I wanted to hear. You have some spunk, I can give you that ma'am. You have a little "je ne sais quoi" that makes me understand the rumors I keep hearing about you." 

"What rumors?"

"OH, that you're Tommy Shelby's lover. That he is head over heels for you. That you are his liability. Anyone who hates him would find it very appealing to go after you." He released her arm, now that they were in the garden, and started to walk a little bit with his cane. She was too stunned to leave the place now that he had said something that caught her attention. her heartbeats went harder, so loud that she could hear them, so fast that it was making her feel dizzy.

"And what if that was true? What then?"

"Then I say you could have been killed a thousand times already during our walk. I say he's not looking enough after his wife and might end up a widow once more."

"I'm not his wife." -She said, in a desperate attempt to deflect and make him reconsider the connexion. She realized that she had to do her best to protect Tommy from anything that could happen to her and if she played it well, then maybe she could convince that man that she wasn't Tommy's lover.  "So these rumors you're talking about are bullshit!" She continued and wrapped her arms above her chest, to protect herself and seem taller, and stronger instead of close to collapsing. 

"Oh, I say that you're a very good liar, Ms Colson, but I am a master in the game of deception. I call your bluff right now. Don't fret, don't fret... I'm not going to kill you. that's not why I came here. I could have but I don't want to. You're too pretty for that and heck, even I am surprised by my own words! who would have thought that a negro could be so beautiful?"

"Watch your tongue Mister Solomons!" -She said coldly, which had him lift both hands and chuckle- "I see you don't take me very seriously."

"Oh, I take you very seriously Ms Colson. you could kill a man with your knowledge. you already killed despite your hands being made for saving lives. I know what you can do. I don't want to get you in a bad mood."

"Are you considering becoming a donor or not?" -She lifted a brow and he bowed before her, mockingly so-

"I'm not. I'm not gonna waste my money on it. What I truly wanted to do was to make you an offer. I wanted to ask you to do some business with me. I ensure the protection of your institute and yourself..... and in exchange, I would like to use your institute for some business of mine. OH don't worry, the children would never know what's going on. I am just looking for a place to store some of my stuff."

"Are you out of your mind? Do you truly believe I would accept to make a deal with you? A deal???  Fucking unbelievable! You come here, you try to intimidate me and now you say you want to use the institute to hide your bullshit inside and sell it???"

"You don't want to answer right now. I am but a humble jeweler you know? I just needed a place to keep my jewels safe since my people are targeted by the same fucking moron in power! So don't get heated. Don't tear a vein like that. Take your time, think about it and I will come back here in a week."

She was furious, her eyes were so bright that Alfie couldn't help but look at her. His old habit took control of him for a minute and he was left thinking about what type of emerald her eyes reminded him of. He didn't feel threatened by her, she didn't have any weapon on her and they were in the open, in the garden where she couldn't grab any hidden weapon to hurt him with. He knew she would be wise and wouldn't try to escalate the situation by attacking him physically so he stood there, looking at her fierce green eyes and complimenting Tommy on his taste in women, even those he wouldn't have looked twice at if Alfie was walking on the street. 

"I think we are done here, Mister Solomons. I suggest you leave and don't try to come back in a week."

"We'll see about it." -He said, chuckling to himself while quietly leaving the garden; he didn't oppose her decision to see him gone. He didn't have to. he knew she would be shaken by their meeting and knew that he would get Tommy's attention for another meeting. He did use Mary for his own gain, but part of what he said was true. He didn't want her to die, and he didn't want the children to be hurt in this pathetic rise of extremist violence. He still thought that she was far more badass than he thought she would be. She stood her ground to him and he intended to give his compliment about her to Tommy. As soon as he left, Mary covered her mouth and screamed into her palm. She sat on the bench near her and wrapped her arms around her legs to cry into her thighs. It was unbelievable! the whole day was unbelievable! Yet it was the truth. 

-TBC-