Rebellion

Here comes a moment when you have enough. The suffocation reached a critical point and it has to stop.

There is nothing left inside of you, at least, no more energy to keep enduring the situation. It has to stop!

You turn the idea around in your head, you try to stop yourself from breaking the routine, you are afraid.

You can't possibly run away and leave everything behind. You can't possibly break their heart, right? 

You can't possibly be the villain in their story. How could you, after all, they had done for you? 

So you hold back, you hold back and you pray for your body to hold on until they change their behavior. 

But your mind is screaming in agony, your mind is begging you to leave, to put an end to your misery.

It has to stop! It has to stop! 

Here comes a moment when you can't continue. Your energy is depleted, the love inside you is dead. 

Your body is aching because you keep sacrificing yourself for them. You give them time, love, attention.

You give so much that there is nothing left of you. You give so much that you forgot who you are. Why?

Why would you hurt yourself that much for ungrateful souls who would never give back to you? 

Why do you accept their argument about blood being thicker than water and some fallacious statements?

How could you buy into their bullshit, willingly forsaking your mental and physical health? Why?

Is it because you feel that you owe them your life? Is it because they smothered you throughout the years?

It has to stop! It has to stop! 

And you can do it! 

Here comes a moment when your mind is breaking down. Your brain explodes, your heart beats faster.

You become afraid of their very shadow, and listening to their names feels like being stabbed in the soul.

They have become a recurring nightmare for you, something you can't seem to be able to escape from.

They share your blood but that's the only thing they share with you. They don't love you. They don't care.

They would see you as something convenient, something to use, something to play with and destroy. 

They would see you as pawns or perhaps wonderful little helpers who would help them live a better life. 

Tools...Maybe even just devices. They put you on Earth to do their bidding and fulfill their dreams.

Nothing less, nothing more, you realize that there is no love, no warmth, no concern about your safety.

It has to stop! It has to stop! 

For decades, they tried to mold you into someone you weren't. They tried to dictate you your personality.

They tried to shape you into puppets who would do, as they say, think as they wish and never refuse.

What they didn't know is that rebellion was rushing in your veins! Your spirit wasn't crushed! It lives on! 

What they didn't know is that you would put an end to their tyranny, you would make a life for yourself.

And no matter how many times they try to destroy you, they would never succeed because you're stronger.

You will survive this ordeal, you will remain determined and loving, they won't succeed in destroying you.

They don't know you, they don't care about you, they are too blinded by their power to see through you.

Let them underestimate you, let them look down on you because, in the end, you'll have the last laugh.

You'll make it stop!

And you will do it! 

you don't deserve it

You don't deserve an unhealthy relationship. You don't deserve to have someone who gets off by breaking you apart! You don't deserve that shit!

You don't deserve years of traumatism, years of building yourself back up, years of wondering if you're enough for someone. You don't deserve that shit!

You don't deserve to be unable to trust anyone or always envision the worst when you meet people. You don't deserve to stop mid-sentence because you're convinced something you're about to say is shitty or annoying or don't deserve to be heard! You don't deserve that shit!

You don't deserve to shield yourself from the world because you're sure that they'd be better off without you. You don't deserve to question every single new relationship you have because you're not sure you can make/keep healthy relationships!! YOU DO NOT DESERVE THAT SHIT!

You don't deserve to be bitter and pessimistic because "well, with the luck I have, I'll ever find someone who would want to kill me or someone who'll walk away because of who I am"! You don't deserve to have PTSD and panic attacks because someone gets close to you and you didn't notice, or when someone is nice to you and interested in a romantic way, or when something happens and reminds you of how you were abused. especially when it's a song! YOU DO NOT DESERVE THAT SHIT!

People always talk about abuse as if it was a joke or if the one who got into the relationship "should" have stepped up or left. You never got into one, how DARE you victim blame. The victim is already blaming themselves once they got out of it (which they shouldn't. because abuse is not an easy thing. most of the time they would play on your insecurities, and work their way to isolate you and keep you in that I give you crumbles of "love" so you owe me because nobody would ever love you, especially not like I do).

I can speak for myself but I'd rather not tear open a wound that hadn't stopped bleeding but I will speak for those who can't. You do not deserve any of that shit. regardless of the relationship, you are in (family, friends, romantic) you DO NOT DESERVE THAT SHIT. it's not on you, it's not on you and I really wish I could let you know how much you matter and how much you're important too.

you're a survivor

You thought you were broken, that the wound was so deep that it would never heal.

you thought you were broken, that nothing good would ever come from you. That you were ruined from within and forever.

You thought everyone would see what you tried to hide so desperately. You thought it would be marked on your skin, written all over your body with Red Iron.

And you've never been so wrong!

From your invisible wounds, life grew and filled the holes left into your being with beauty.

From the wasteland that once was your heart, a jungle came to be. Untamed, proud, thick and lush. A parkour you only open to the ones who truly loved you.

You survived! It might seem like nothing but it is everything.
You survived! And this is what people would see if you let them in.
You survived! And you turned this violence into something else,

You fill the heart and lives of your loved ones with the love you were deprived so harshly and this is turning ugliness into beauty.

You could fall into the pits of rage and nobody would blame you.
And fall into the hell of insecurity and fear and they would know
In fact, you will. Sometimes the memory would drive you insane.
And you will feel everything, hear everything, see everything
as if it was happening all over again. And the wound would open.
And you will bleed. It would happen and they would know.
And they won't blame you for that because they understand.

Hands or shoulder handed to you in sheer support do exist.
you see it every day with the people you call family.

Small gestures become incredible feats, for the one who once thought they would never be worthy.

This love transformed you, engulfed you and nursed you to health.
And their support is never fading away.

Oh, wonderful souls!!

You thought you were broken and to no use.
you thought you were nothing
but you were wrong!
You're a survivor, capable of anything!
Remember this in your darkest hours
Remember me, your loving soul
Remember yourself with pride and love