DDBA chapter 5; Stressful questions

Matt ran his fingers through Hayley's hair. It felt surreal, there in the comfort of her bedroom. He enjoyed her calm and steady heartbeats. She was content in this moment, curled up against him. Her right hand was cupping his cheek, and her thumb was slowly stroking his stubbled cheek.  Her soft skin was warm against his, and he leaned into her touch.  Matt felt her gaze on him. Hayley was intently staring at him, but he felt that she was comfortable with him. It felt as if they were a couple, both enjoying each other's company. This moment felt like a bubble of fresh air, as if Fisk wasn't terrorizing the city and stoking the flames of hatred and paranoia. It felt like a bubble of fresh air, as if he were not going through a nasty breakup with Heather. He was falling in love with that woman, and she decided to rip his heart apart. Well... Could he fully blame her?

 He lied to her when he hid Daredevil away from her. He lied to her when he pretended he was fine when everything was fucking off around him. Still... She chose Fisk. She chose to go on a crusade against Daredevil. She chose to paint everyone under the same brush, maybe even going as far as considering Daredevil responsible for the creation of vigilantes and villains in town. Matt rejected her thesis. He refused to accept that his very existence brought all those lunatics and damaged people here... He was not the first and would definitely not be the last, so why did she decide to crucify him like that? It broke something in Matt, but Hayley's hand on his cheek soothed his aching heart. She brought him back to the present, to that room, to her, and he smiled at her. 

"I don't want to leave the bed, Matt."

" I don't want either. It's good... This.... This is good, Lee."

She moved closer to his frame and rubbed her nose against the crook of his neck. Her arm wrapped around his waist, and her cheek pressed against the hard skin of his shoulder. Matt wrapped his arm around her shoulder and pulled her into a tighter hug.  He could feel her warm breath brush against his skin, and he smiled. It was comfortable here, with her. He kissed the top of her head and let his fingers sink into the soft flesh of the young woman.  He knew that he could not stay there for more than one day. He had so much to do at night, as Daredevil and Matt Murdock were still missing, so staying here was putting her in danger. She felt the conflict that was tormenting him and slowly lifted her head to have a better look at Daredevil. 

"A penny for your thoughts, Matt." 

"I'm not used to mornings like this one. Few people know about my double identity, and you might be the second one who actually doesn't judge me for being Daredevil."

"Why would I judge you? Did you forget? I beat up abusive spouses on my downtime." -She chuckled and lost her fingers in his black mane- "I could say the very same about you. You are the first person who knows the truth about me, and you are still here. Many would have left."

"I guess I am not afraid."

He was used to it. Elektra was the best and worst thing to have happened to him. She knew Matt, knew Daredevil, and understood both of them. She loved Daredevil more than she did Matt, and she always brought the worst impulses out of him. Elektra was intense, perhaps too suffocating.  Being together with her was thrilling, unexpected, and always kept Matt on edge. He was attracted to it, to that darker side of himself she embodied. Here, with Hayley, things were different. There was peace. There was warmth and an understanding that he could never get from anyone before her. 

"Me neither. " She  smiled at him and gently rubbed her nose against his chest- "I think we should just get some questions out of the way, shall we?"

"Right now? I wanted to keep the good memories of the night alive." -He grinned, and she hit his chest with her palm- 

"Who said we won't come back to that? I just suggest that we put that conversation behind us... Ask me anything. I will answer truthfully." -She planted a kiss on his pec, and he took a deep breath-

"Were you raised by the H.A.N.D? " 

"Yes. They took me in as a baby and raised me to become an assassin. Your turn." -He nodded- "When were you trained by Stick?"

It surprised him. Matt expected Hayley to ask him questions about his blindness. Everybody wanted to know whether he was born blind or had become one. Everybody wanted to know what happened to him and how he managed to survive all these years.  Instead, she wanted to know how he knew Stick. That made him grin, and he stroked his chin. 

"I was a kid. My dad had just died. He took me from the orphanage and became my guardian."

"Given the way you speak of him, I would say he's more of a father figure. He raised you."

"He trained me." -He tilted his head to the side- "He raised me." 

"It's complicated. I get it." -She planted another kiss to Matt's shoulder and nuzzled his neck- "I both hated and loved my mentor. They were ruthless, but I learned how to defend myself, and how to protect those I love, at least that is what I want to remember." -Matt kissed the top of her head again-

"How did you leave the H.A.N.D?" -He wasn't sure it was the right question to ask.-

He wanted to know how she could walk the streets of Hell's Kitchen freely.  The H.A.N.D would have chased after, and he suspected that it was still the case. Usually, when you joined it, you could not leave it. Elektra did not fully leave the H.A.N.D somehow, she was still tethered to it. He felt her stiffen against his frame, and she hid her face against his chest. 

"One day,  I decided that I did not want to be a pawn anymore. I did not want to serve someone else's interests. I wanted to live for myself. I wanted to be... myself." -He held her closer to his frame and stroked her back- " They are looking for me. I have to be careful and look past my shoulders. Always."

"Did they find you here?" -She shook her head and  sank her fingers into the taut flesh of his chest- "If you need me, I'll be there."

" Yeah.... Thanks...Were you in love with Heather?" -The question took him by surprise.-

He did not answer as fast as he wanted. He could not. Did he love Heather? Yes, he did. He fell for her, and that was why her choice to side with Fisk hurt him more than he wanted to admit. He loved her, but she betrayed him, and while that love could not vanish with a snap of his fingers, Matt was not thinking about her when Hayley was in his arms. She pulled away from his chest and narrowed her gaze as he was taking too long to answer. 

"I... I was. Yeah.. I loved her.  I thought she was going to be Mrs Right, but I was not being fully transparent with her. I was being Daredevil behind her back. It could not last."

"You are trying to reason here... My question was simple..." -She sighed and pulled away from him so she could pull herself up by the hands and hover a little bit above him- " Were you in love with Heather?"

"Yes. I was.... Still am." - He reluctantly whispered. It did not hurt Hayley as she was expecting Matt to still be in love with his girlfriend. She knew, through her conversations with Heather, that it was something serious. They both loved each other, and both felt wronged by the other. She knew now that the relationship was not going to work, but feelings did not end just because a situation ended.-

"It is not going to change that easily. You don't fall out of love with a snap of a finger. You will love her for a long time. I... We...." -He put his forefinger to her mouth and smiled at her-

"Did you ever fall in love with someone?" -Why did he want to know? It made him wince at his own cringe.-

She blushed and sucked on her bottom lip. Well, did she? Being in the organization had not allowed the young woman the chance to live a full-blown romance. She had flings, yes. She even had favourites. People she fell in love with? No... Yes! She fell in love once. No. It did not last long. It could not last long. A melancholic expression tainted her features, and she tucked her hair behind her ear.  He cupped her cheek and gently stroked it with his thumb. 

"I did.... Once.  It is just... it was a folly on my part. I fell in love with a civilian, and for two months, I was in a little bubble. It was just impossible for us to be together because of my... because of who I am." -It would not happen with him. She wanted to tell him, but the words got stuck at the back of her throat-

She sat on the bed, crossed her legs, and folded her arms.  Matt sat as well and held onto her shoulder. He could feel how nervous and heartbroken she was.  She leaned into his touch and put her hand over his.  He slowly moved his hand from her shoulder to her neck.  He did not want her to retreat into her own mind, to feel that she should be upset because she had to be vulnerable. 

"We don't choose who we fall in love with.  Hell, I was in a relationship with an anti-vigilante shrink while hiding the fact that I was Daredevil. Delusional much?" -He gave her a sheepish chuckle, and she chuckled back.-

He was right. She fell in love with that man, wanted to have a normal life, but nothing about her was normal. How could it be normal when she was an assassin? It made her sigh, and she swallowed a lump. Perhaps she should not read too much into this relationship. Perhaps she should not expect much from it... Perhaps... Perhaps.....  Matt pulled her into a kiss, a soft one, full of promises. They talked about the hardest topic, at least for the time being. He wanted to put her fears to rest. He wanted to show her that it was okay to just be in the moment.  And little by little, she melted in his arms. Little by little, she felt whole again.   

What do you mean?

"What do you mean, I love you  too much?"

What do you mean by "you feel suffocated"?

What do you mean by "I put you on too high a pedestal"?

When you kept telling me that my love was welcome. 

When you kept telling me that I was more than enough. 

When you kept telling me that you loved being in my life. 

It stung. It hurt. It fucked me up. 

The whiplash from the change of tune almost made me dizzy. 

One minute you love me, the next you run away from me. 

That got me thinking. 

It is not me. I am not the reason for our end. 

You simply decided that you no longer wanted me in your life. 

You simply decided to put the blame on me. 

Easier to turn me into the reason you feel upset,

While I know that your life is unraveling, and your secrets are being spilled. 

While I know you resent me for keeping a positive mind when everything is breaking down around me.

Easier to turn me into the reason you feel upset,

And to try to trash the bond we once shared. 

And to try to project your self-loathing onto me. 

It stung. It hurt. It fucked me up. 

I wondered if I loved too much and if my relationships were real.

My mind broke for a while, and tears kept on rolling. 

It stung. It hurt. It fucked me up. 

I let your actions blur the truth to me, reshape the way I think of myself. 

I let it affect me when it should not have. It is your bullshit and not mine. 

What do you mean by " I love you too much"?

When you kept telling me the opposite.

When you kept loving me all the same. 

When you kept asking me not to change.

What do you mean by " I love you too much"?

When I know you simply don't love me enough. 

// Vent piece. 

Nixus; Dark Routine

Phoenix put her hands on the sink. She dropped her head low and groaned in pain. Her ribs were hurting, her knuckles were bruised.  Her face was puffy, and mascara was running down her cheeks. Her hair was disheveled, and blood was splattered on her face, her knuckles, her shirt. She assessed the injuries, a broken rib here, bruises on her chest and legs. She filed a nail, broke another, lost a shoe, and tore her dress apart. Her blue eyes averted from her hands to her face.  She was a mess. a big mess, but the sight made her laugh. She ran her hand through her hair and slipped on the bathroom floor.  A sad chuckle escaped her lips, and she slowly dragged herself to the bathtub. She leaned her back against it and put her arms on her lap. What a pathetic little life! 

The honey-haired woman then yanked her head back and took a deep breath. What the hell was she doing? Why did she decide to throw herself into a fight that night? Another fight, another string of bruises and broken bones, another rush of adrenaline and endorphins. It made her happy...It made her feel ashamed, too. Who did that? Who went looking for a fight because it made them feel better? Sickos.. That's who... Sickos like her. Phoenix wanted to be punished. She might not be able to let them kill her; she was more than willing to take a beating. In her mind, she justified it as being merciful. She gave her opponents a head start so the fight would last longer. The truth was elsewhere. Nix let them hit her. She made herself vulnerable enough for them to be able to ruin her face and hurt her body like that. She let them... She did!

With each punch, she felt the satisfaction of punishment. She used these people as a way to enact her self-hatred on herself, a way to hurt her like she could not. Pathetic! Did she hate herself that much? Did she even love herself? Questions she had never truly asked herself. Was there anything to love about her? Phoenix sucked at her bottom lip and slowly pulled her legs up. Her feet lay flat on the floor, and her arms wrapped around her knees. She never loved herself. She was a tool, had been from the moment she was kidnapped by the Guild.  They turned her into a killing machine, an enraged dog they sent after their enemies. She barked when they wanted them to. She mauled when they needed her to, and there was nothing else for her. They brought little comfort, just enough so she could feel rewarded, but not enough so she could sit down and think about what she liked, what she wanted to do in her life besides killing for the Guild. There was nothing left.... 

Or so she thought. 

She fell in love. He loved her, too, or maybe he pretended to.  She did not know. That love made her realize that she had something to give. That love made her realize that she wanted more of life than just being a tool.  That love made her appreciate herself a little more. She liked her laugh. She liked her tooth gap. She even liked the uncanny blue eyes that everyone thought were contacts. She surprised herself with dreams of freedom, lovely little dreams that made her yearn for more. She liked her jokes, the way she cuddled Anton, and the way she cared for him. She was creative, inspired by the smiles he would give her. She enjoyed her softness, her capacity to give love. She enjoyed the version of herself she glimpsed. A version capable of love. A version capable of softness... A version that wanted to live. She was able to build rather than destroy, and she loved it. She liked herself there.... She liked herself.... Why could she not love herself? Phoenix sighed and slowly cried against her knees. What could she do, if not cry her heart out? 

Heartbreak

Why did I believe you would be different? I guess I was blinded by my own affection for you. I guess I wanted something better for both of us.  I wanted us to be soulmates. I mean, friendship-wise. I wanted us to love each other unconditionally. I wanted us to care for each other in ways we have not been cared for in our lives. I wanted so much for us, and in a way, we achieved it if we keep our distance, I guess. It took me a while to realize that you do not want to meet me. You do not want me to see you as you are. Part of me wonders if you want to hide your real face from me. I wonder if you want to hide your real personality from me. How much of you is real? I guess that a lot of what I know is true. You don't lie to me. You don't pretend... I can tell. I want to believe that I can.  I want to believe that I know a part of you that is real and sincere.... If it's not, oh, if it's not... 

I don't know how I would react, and I would rather not think about it. I would rather work towards accepting that you will never truly be mine. You will never truly be mine--- Ah... What do I mean when I say that? I guess, I mean,  I wanted you and me to have a very special bond. I wanted us to be friends, beyond friends... beyond lovers.., I wanted you to be my safe place and my dearest friend. I wanted you to be my muse. I wanted you to be my person.... And I thought you were. Artistically speaking, oh, you clearly are. Amically speaking.... I think we do not want the same thing. I think we do not mean the same thing. I guess, with me, there would never be something deeper than what I wish we could be. I guess that is why I am so heartbroken. I wanted things that could never be. 

I wanted things that could never be. The truth is that I love you more than you do. I care for you more than you claim. We would never be the type of friends I wanted us to be. I think that this will be true with other people, and it is okay. I have to accept it. I have to digest it... I have to.... Even if it is difficult. I hurt. I break. I am so upset. I am so disappointed in you, and I think that it is eating me up. I am so disappointed in myself for being upset, but I have been told that it is normal. You were my friend, and to meet with you in the flesh was the next right step. You did not want it. Not just once, but twice... so really.... How can you be a friend to me? How can you be? I am upset, and I don't know how long it would take for me to handle that pain, but I aim to focus on what is important... my future. My wedding. my book... my life. Add if you don''t want to walk the path with me, I would simply leave you behind and keep you at a distance. Trust!

Trivia: Nixus; Sex//anger// addiction and coping mechanism.

Sex: Phoenix enjoys sex. She is very in touch with her sexuality and would never shy away from it. She loves exploring it and tries to find new ways to find pleasure. She knows what she wants and what she hates, and would always seek pleasure wherever it is. Before Marc, sex was usually used as a way to manipulate her targets or blow some steam off. She didn't find it as pleasurable as when she was doing it on her own. Marc changed that for her. He helped her access her vulnerability and find genuine pleasure in sex. 

Anger: Nix can control her anger. She was trained to be as efficient as possible, and that entailed being able to control her emotions so nothing could transpire. Only the trained eyes and ears could actually notice when she's angry. Marc could because he has keen eyes. However, when Phoenix lashes out, you'd better not be on her path, or she will obliterate you. 

Addiction and Coping Mechanism:  Phoenix is addicted to pain. She's an assassin who derives pleasure from self-mutilation/ pain from her injuries. She's also addicted to everything about Marc. She's addicted to him, through and through. 

When she's under stress, she tries to drown those feelings with a smoke or a fight. Usually, she would also beat up bullies and gangsters within an inch of their lives. 

Trivia: Nixus: Marriage // Heartbreak // Soothing

Marriage:  Phoenix had considered Marriage once, with her first love, Anton. After his betrayal, she wasn't even sure anyone would ever want her, to begin with.  She enjoys reading romance novels because they allow her mind to escape her reality as an assassin. However, since meeting Marc, the desire to get married resurfaces, stronger than ever. 

Can they get married? Nix is not sure they can, since her identity is not genuine. However, the Guild has connections all over the world, so her "Clean Slate Identity" appears to be legit. 

Heartbreak: Phoenix fell in love, once,  before she met Marc. Her former lover betrayed her and faked his own death. It broke her heart for what she thought was beyond repair.  Nix is extremely pessimistic and distraught about her past. Outside the romantic aspect of her life, she had her heart broken several times by the Guild, First. They made her kill her dog. They made her fight to the death the friends she made while she was growing up, and she was also forced to have sex in part of her training. She had to kill her mentor and handler, whom she considered a father. 

Soothing: When Nix becomes angry, very few people can actually soothe her. Her anger stems from fear and pain. She usually fears losing Marc and her friend Debbie. She also fears being rejected, and usually lashes out instead of crying. She would only be calmed by the soothing presence of Marc or Debbie.

When they are not around, and she has to deal with her emotions on her own? Oh, she beats people up.  She struggles with not killing them, but always beats them within an inch of their lives. When she doesn't kill, she fucks, or she indulges in hedonism and cigarettes. It doesn't help her feel better, but at least it can quell the rage and fear. She can also fight or train. She seeks pain to distract her mind. 

Trivia; Nixus: Crying // secret they won't talk about

Crying:  Phoenix doesn't like to cry in front of others. She would always try to isolate herself so she could cry alone. It was first due to the way she was raised. As an assassin, she should keep her emotions to herself. She associated her tears with weakness, and only a handful of people saw her cry and lived to tell the tale. Marc would be the first to see her cry, the first to comfort her, and the first to encourage her to keep crying. She feels safe with him, and therefore, she could be vulnerable with him. 

Secret they won't talk about: Phoenix can't bring herself to tell Marc about being an assassin. She has the blood of innocent people on her hands and is haunted by her crimes. She knows that if she talks about them, Marc would have no other choice but to either kill her or throw her in prison. She could handle being killed, but she does not want to disappoint him, not after all the sacrifices he made. She does not want to disappoint him.