What do you mean?

"What do you mean, I love you  too much?"

What do you mean by "you feel suffocated"?

What do you mean by "I put you on too high a pedestal"?

When you kept telling me that my love was welcome. 

When you kept telling me that I was more than enough. 

When you kept telling me that you loved being in my life. 

It stung. It hurt. It fucked me up. 

The whiplash from the change of tune almost made me dizzy. 

One minute you love me, the next you run away from me. 

That got me thinking. 

It is not me. I am not the reason for our end. 

You simply decided that you no longer wanted me in your life. 

You simply decided to put the blame on me. 

Easier to turn me into the reason you feel upset,

While I know that your life is unraveling, and your secrets are being spilled. 

While I know you resent me for keeping a positive mind when everything is breaking down around me.

Easier to turn me into the reason you feel upset,

And to try to trash the bond we once shared. 

And to try to project your self-loathing onto me. 

It stung. It hurt. It fucked me up. 

I wondered if I loved too much and if my relationships were real.

My mind broke for a while, and tears kept on rolling. 

It stung. It hurt. It fucked me up. 

I let your actions blur the truth to me, reshape the way I think of myself. 

I let it affect me when it should not have. It is your bullshit and not mine. 

What do you mean by " I love you too much"?

When you kept telling me the opposite.

When you kept loving me all the same. 

When you kept asking me not to change.

What do you mean by " I love you too much"?

When I know you simply don't love me enough. 

// Vent piece. 

Nixus; Dark Routine

Phoenix put her hands on the sink. She dropped her head low and groaned in pain. Her ribs were hurting, her knuckles were bruised.  Her face was puffy, and mascara was running down her cheeks. Her hair was disheveled, and blood was splattered on her face, her knuckles, her shirt. She assessed the injuries, a broken rib here, bruises on her chest and legs. She filed a nail, broke another, lost a shoe, and tore her dress apart. Her blue eyes averted from her hands to her face.  She was a mess. a big mess, but the sight made her laugh. She ran her hand through her hair and slipped on the bathroom floor.  A sad chuckle escaped her lips, and she slowly dragged herself to the bathtub. She leaned her back against it and put her arms on her lap. What a pathetic little life! 

The honey-haired woman then yanked her head back and took a deep breath. What the hell was she doing? Why did she decide to throw herself into a fight that night? Another fight, another string of bruises and broken bones, another rush of adrenaline and endorphins. It made her happy...It made her feel ashamed, too. Who did that? Who went looking for a fight because it made them feel better? Sickos.. That's who... Sickos like her. Phoenix wanted to be punished. She might not be able to let them kill her; she was more than willing to take a beating. In her mind, she justified it as being merciful. She gave her opponents a head start so the fight would last longer. The truth was elsewhere. Nix let them hit her. She made herself vulnerable enough for them to be able to ruin her face and hurt her body like that. She let them... She did!

With each punch, she felt the satisfaction of punishment. She used these people as a way to enact her self-hatred on herself, a way to hurt her like she could not. Pathetic! Did she hate herself that much? Did she even love herself? Questions she had never truly asked herself. Was there anything to love about her? Phoenix sucked at her bottom lip and slowly pulled her legs up. Her feet lay flat on the floor, and her arms wrapped around her knees. She never loved herself. She was a tool, had been from the moment she was kidnapped by the Guild.  They turned her into a killing machine, an enraged dog they sent after their enemies. She barked when they wanted them to. She mauled when they needed her to, and there was nothing else for her. They brought little comfort, just enough so she could feel rewarded, but not enough so she could sit down and think about what she liked, what she wanted to do in her life besides killing for the Guild. There was nothing left.... 

Or so she thought. 

She fell in love. He loved her, too, or maybe he pretended to.  She did not know. That love made her realize that she had something to give. That love made her realize that she wanted more of life than just being a tool.  That love made her appreciate herself a little more. She liked her laugh. She liked her tooth gap. She even liked the uncanny blue eyes that everyone thought were contacts. She surprised herself with dreams of freedom, lovely little dreams that made her yearn for more. She liked her jokes, the way she cuddled Anton, and the way she cared for him. She was creative, inspired by the smiles he would give her. She enjoyed her softness, her capacity to give love. She enjoyed the version of herself she glimpsed. A version capable of love. A version capable of softness... A version that wanted to live. She was able to build rather than destroy, and she loved it. She liked herself there.... She liked herself.... Why could she not love herself? Phoenix sighed and slowly cried against her knees. What could she do, if not cry her heart out? 

Heartbreak

Why did I believe you would be different? I guess I was blinded by my own affection for you. I guess I wanted something better for both of us.  I wanted us to be soulmates. I mean, friendship-wise. I wanted us to love each other unconditionally. I wanted us to care for each other in ways we have not been cared for in our lives. I wanted so much for us, and in a way, we achieved it if we keep our distance, I guess. It took me a while to realize that you do not want to meet me. You do not want me to see you as you are. Part of me wonders if you want to hide your real face from me. I wonder if you want to hide your real personality from me. How much of you is real? I guess that a lot of what I know is true. You don't lie to me. You don't pretend... I can tell. I want to believe that I can.  I want to believe that I know a part of you that is real and sincere.... If it's not, oh, if it's not... 

I don't know how I would react, and I would rather not think about it. I would rather work towards accepting that you will never truly be mine. You will never truly be mine--- Ah... What do I mean when I say that? I guess, I mean,  I wanted you and me to have a very special bond. I wanted us to be friends, beyond friends... beyond lovers.., I wanted you to be my safe place and my dearest friend. I wanted you to be my muse. I wanted you to be my person.... And I thought you were. Artistically speaking, oh, you clearly are. Amically speaking.... I think we do not want the same thing. I think we do not mean the same thing. I guess, with me, there would never be something deeper than what I wish we could be. I guess that is why I am so heartbroken. I wanted things that could never be. 

I wanted things that could never be. The truth is that I love you more than you do. I care for you more than you claim. We would never be the type of friends I wanted us to be. I think that this will be true with other people, and it is okay. I have to accept it. I have to digest it... I have to.... Even if it is difficult. I hurt. I break. I am so upset. I am so disappointed in you, and I think that it is eating me up. I am so disappointed in myself for being upset, but I have been told that it is normal. You were my friend, and to meet with you in the flesh was the next right step. You did not want it. Not just once, but twice... so really.... How can you be a friend to me? How can you be? I am upset, and I don't know how long it would take for me to handle that pain, but I aim to focus on what is important... my future. My wedding. my book... my life. Add if you don''t want to walk the path with me, I would simply leave you behind and keep you at a distance. Trust!

Trivia: Nixus; Sex//anger// addiction and coping mechanism.

Sex: Phoenix enjoys sex. She is very in touch with her sexuality and would never shy away from it. She loves exploring it and tries to find new ways to find pleasure. She knows what she wants and what she hates, and would always seek pleasure wherever it is. Before Marc, sex was usually used as a way to manipulate her targets or blow some steam off. She didn't find it as pleasurable as when she was doing it on her own. Marc changed that for her. He helped her access her vulnerability and find genuine pleasure in sex. 

Anger: Nix can control her anger. She was trained to be as efficient as possible, and that entailed being able to control her emotions so nothing could transpire. Only the trained eyes and ears could actually notice when she's angry. Marc could because he has keen eyes. However, when Phoenix lashes out, you'd better not be on her path, or she will obliterate you. 

Addiction and Coping Mechanism:  Phoenix is addicted to pain. She's an assassin who derives pleasure from self-mutilation/ pain from her injuries. She's also addicted to everything about Marc. She's addicted to him, through and through. 

When she's under stress, she tries to drown those feelings with a smoke or a fight. Usually, she would also beat up bullies and gangsters within an inch of their lives. 

Trivia: Nixus: Marriage // Heartbreak // Soothing

Marriage:  Phoenix had considered Marriage once, with her first love, Anton. After his betrayal, she wasn't even sure anyone would ever want her, to begin with.  She enjoys reading romance novels because they allow her mind to escape her reality as an assassin. However, since meeting Marc, the desire to get married resurfaces, stronger than ever. 

Can they get married? Nix is not sure they can, since her identity is not genuine. However, the Guild has connections all over the world, so her "Clean Slate Identity" appears to be legit. 

Heartbreak: Phoenix fell in love, once,  before she met Marc. Her former lover betrayed her and faked his own death. It broke her heart for what she thought was beyond repair.  Nix is extremely pessimistic and distraught about her past. Outside the romantic aspect of her life, she had her heart broken several times by the Guild, First. They made her kill her dog. They made her fight to the death the friends she made while she was growing up, and she was also forced to have sex in part of her training. She had to kill her mentor and handler, whom she considered a father. 

Soothing: When Nix becomes angry, very few people can actually soothe her. Her anger stems from fear and pain. She usually fears losing Marc and her friend Debbie. She also fears being rejected, and usually lashes out instead of crying. She would only be calmed by the soothing presence of Marc or Debbie.

When they are not around, and she has to deal with her emotions on her own? Oh, she beats people up.  She struggles with not killing them, but always beats them within an inch of their lives. When she doesn't kill, she fucks, or she indulges in hedonism and cigarettes. It doesn't help her feel better, but at least it can quell the rage and fear. She can also fight or train. She seeks pain to distract her mind. 

Trivia; Nixus: Crying // secret they won't talk about

Crying:  Phoenix doesn't like to cry in front of others. She would always try to isolate herself so she could cry alone. It was first due to the way she was raised. As an assassin, she should keep her emotions to herself. She associated her tears with weakness, and only a handful of people saw her cry and lived to tell the tale. Marc would be the first to see her cry, the first to comfort her, and the first to encourage her to keep crying. She feels safe with him, and therefore, she could be vulnerable with him. 

Secret they won't talk about: Phoenix can't bring herself to tell Marc about being an assassin. She has the blood of innocent people on her hands and is haunted by her crimes. She knows that if she talks about them, Marc would have no other choice but to either kill her or throw her in prison. She could handle being killed, but she does not want to disappoint him, not after all the sacrifices he made. She does not want to disappoint him. 

Phoenix sensual questionnaire

Big spoon or little spoon? Little spoon (She needs to be held)

Have you ever been on a blind date? Nope. I don't understand the concept.

What's the best kiss you've ever had? It has to be the first one Marc gave me. This moment was spontaneous, and hot, and everything I wished it would be, and even some more. I will never forget it. 

What's the best date you've ever been on? I haven't been on a date with Marc just yet, so this one is a bit old. It happened long before I stopped at Detroit. While working the field and trapping my target, he spontaneously took me on a trip to his childhood home. It was in a little town, or a village, in Italy. It was such a simple life, and for the first time, I saw the real him. He was kind and tender to the people there and to me. 

Favourite way to be affectionate with someone?  I will cuddle the one I love. I will run my hand through his hair and will always massage his scalp. MMhhh, I would also kiss his neck and shoulder and bury my head there. 

Favourite place to be touched? Well... As cliché as it is. I love when he palms my ass. I love it so much when he holds it, kneads it, and squeezes it. 

What's your favourite memory of you together? That has to be our very first conversation. It was cute and so clumsy. Can you believe it? a meet-cute in an elevator? 

Top, bottom, or both? Both. 

Do you like it rough or sensual? Both, although I am more inclined to be sensual. I love to make love, and with Marc, it is something even deeper. It feels so intense and beautiful, and I feel this incredible connection with him. I can be vulnerable with him and safe and comfortable too.

How do you feel about sex toys? I am indifferent to them. I use my fingers instead. 

What's the hottest thing someone can say to you in bed? That I am a good girl! That I'm tight and wet for them. That I am such a good girl for taking such a big cock. That I look good doing whatever I'm doing to them. That they are losing their minds because of me, because I feel good. This is so hot... oh, and that they love me. 

Do you prefer to give or receive? I love to give. I love to watch the reactions of my lover to whatever I'm doing to them.  I also love to be on the receiving end. With Marc, he always makes sure that I get off. It's wonderful! I love when he touches me, when he uses his tongue or fingers to lick, suckle, or pull on my nipples or any other part of my body. I love it when he thrusts into me. I love being on the receiving end of his care, and I love giving him so much pleasure. It's difficult to choose what I love most.  

What's something you secretly fantasise about? For now, I think I just want our neighbours to hear us when we have sex. I want them to know he fucks me and he fucks me good.  I am not a screamer, but it could be hot to become one. 

What's your favourite type of kiss? I love making out, sloooowly. I love it when we take our time. I love it when he holds my neck and scalp. 

Juicy questions to ask about your relationship: 

What initially attracted you to him/her?  His gentle smile. He was so kind to our neighbours. He was so kind to the kids that I could not help but be attracted to him. Then, upon talking to him, his simple desires, his charming personality, and the fact that I feel safe with him when we talk or when he is around truly make me feel good. I love his sense of humour and how caring he is. That made me want to know him more and better. 

Would you change anything about the way you met? No. It was like in the movies. spontaneous and charming. 

Have you ever been in love? Yes. A fellow assassin I grew up with. *Is falling in love with Marc*

Why did things end with your last ex? He faked his own death and sold me out to the Guild on his way out. 

What's one of your dating deal-breakers? Physical violence is a no-no. Psychological abuse as well. To be treated like a possession or a monster... Fortunately for me, Marc does nothing of that sort. 

Is there anything about the future that scares you? I'm afraid Marc would find out the truth about my past. He will have no choice but to arrest me, and the worst thing for me would be to be hated by him for my sins. 

The most forbidden person you've ever had a crush on?  Marc Flynn. He is a cop. he arrests bad guys, and I was one of them before. 

What's the wildest thing you've ever done for love? I accepted a risky plan to see my lover and me,  free from the Guild. We wanted to fake our deaths and run away from that place. I trusted him to see through with the plan and to leave with me, but he did not. He simply did not. He betrayed me, and I was forced to stay with the Guild - and was punished for trying to cross them-

Do you want to have a family someday? Yes---- but this is a dream I can't make true.... my child won't be happy with a mother like me.....But, God, do I wish to be. 

What's something you've always wanted to ask him/her but haven't? "Would you kill me if I told you I was a bad person and I deserve to die?" I just can't ask him that. 

Questions about sex:  

Where (or from whom) did you learn about sex growing up? I was trained for this by the Guild... 

How often do you like to be intimate? All day, every day! 

How important is sex to you in a relationship? It is a way to show our love for each other. It is also something I crave a lot because it feels good. It matters a lot to me, but it is not a deal-breaker if I don't have sex that much. I can deal with my own needs and would rather spend time with him than not, if he's not in the mood for it. 

How do you like to be touched? Well, I love it when he wants to make me feel good. I love it when he is determined and touches me firmly. I love it when he pulls me back to him and makes sure I can't escape his pleasurable touch. 

What's your favourite part about sex? His reactions to me. I thrive best when I can see how good he feels because of me. It is so intimate and sweet. 

The most challenging part about sex? I think itis about letting go completely. As an assassin, I always had to be in control. I always had to direct my lovers just so I could keep control of the situation. I am not used to letting others take control.

What makes you feel closer to someone during sex? When we talk, we laugh and chuckle, and we moan. We're vulnerable because we see what the other person likes and what can make them lose control. I feel closest to someone during these moments. I feel closer when we whisper in each other's ears, when we can confide in each other and express ourselves with no restraint. 

Do you prefer morning or evening sex? I'm more of a night person, but I fuck any time of the day. 

Lights on or off? On. I want to see his beautiful face. I want to see how messed up he is. 

What do you fantasise about when you masturbate?  Marc.... and his stunning abs and his really cute smile. His puppy face is perhaps the strongest turn-on I have ever seen. So I think about it, about him, kissing me. Touching me. Talking to me and moaning in my ear.

What's something you want to try with Him/her in bed?  I want to cum over and over again with little to no break, just so all I can have on my mind is just sex and pleasure.  It's so slutty... but I want to try that. 

What gets you off more: oral or penetrative sex? Penetrative,  especially when it's deep. I have discovered the pleasure of being fucked deep with Marc, and I am obsessed with it. It has to be noted that I also cum buckets whenever Marc is giving me head. He's so skilled! 

Have you ever tried BDSM? ..... yes! I had someone pull on my hair, squeeze my cheeks, spank me, and choke me. Later on, I sometimes squeeze my neck, I scratch their back, and I bite. I mostly bite. 

Does the thought of recording a sexy video turn you on? I would prefer not to film anything. 

What's the last thing you came to? Making out with Marc, while his hand is playing with my pussy.

What turns you on the most?  Marc's hugs and neck kisses. When he holds me and starts kissing my neck, I am losing my mind. I love it. I want more. It makes me want to make out with him and keep going.  

The funniest thing that's ever happened during sex? I think it has to be when one of my targets. He was so bad at sex that I was doing my best not to laugh the entire time. He kept talking to me about how good he was and how hard I was going to cum, but it was so damn bad. 

What's the naughtiest thing you've ever done?  Ah... I blindfolded my target, and I flogged him. He asked me to flog his cock to get him hard, so I did. I then teased him, my tongue, my mouth, and then I flogged him, rinse and repeat, until he confessed what I wanted him to confess and came because I flogged him the hardest I could. 

Most inconvenient place you've ever been turned on? The precinct, when I visited Marc. 

On a scale of one to Mount Everest, how high is your sex drive? Mount Everest! And can go higher! 

What's the hottest nickname He/she can call you in bed? Love. Darling. Babe. I think I like all the words of endearment.