Got (modern): She was still living

// I am writing this while listening to  Amazing by Aerosmith.

xxxxxx

Dance was an escape. 

Her body was her paint brush and the stage was her canvas. She needed to express her emotions in the best way possible and dancing allowed her to do so. Bäahal was known for being expressive during her performances. Once she stepped into a stage, all eyes were on her and for a brief moment, there only was the music and the young woman. For a brief moment she remembered her childhood, the happy memories with her mother, the visits of her father. She remembered her friends at pre-school, the birthday parties she attended, the smiles she had on her face. She remembered her mother's smile, the warmth that came from the woman whenever she smiled at her daughter or whenever she hugged her. She remembered the good times and that fueled her dancing, brought smiles to the faces of those who watched her perform. 

Dance was an escape. 

It allowed for the young heiress to speak with her body words she couldn't say. She was thrusted into her memories and would, for a moment or two, remember her mother. She missed her. She missed her loving presence, her clever pieces of advice, her kindness. She missed her mother and in a way, Dancing connected their souls together. In a way, dancing soothed her heart. For so long she had not been able to express her pain because nobody would listen to her. She came to her father's family and this decision wreaked havoc in the family. She was abused in a way a child shouldn't be. Her siblings wanted nothing to do with her and when the older brother finally came around, he died. Her step-mother used to beat her, verbally abuse her and remind her that she was the reason the family was destroyed.

Dance was her escape.

Aerys II didn't have any choice but to build her a gym inside their family estate. She had to have her special place, a sanctuary of some sort where she could let go of her real emotions. She had screamed in there and danced frenetically. She had cried in there, and danced accordingly. her body dancing slowly, spinning around while she pleaded and banged onto the floor.  She had danced her grief away, when her dad died and she truly felt alone in the whole world. She had no friends, her family hated her and many treated her like a stranger at the very best and a nuisance at the very worst. Dancing was the only way she could breathe. Dancing was everything for the silver head and while she found some satisfaction with the underground dance battles, she wanted nothing more but to dance in public, dance anywhere she could, and show her passion with no restraints.  She wished she could take Jaime or Kyra to one of her shows. 

Dance was her escape. 

She wished a lot of things, but they weren't possible. It wasn't safe.She wanted to show the people she loved how much they meant to her. She wanted to express her affection, claim her love for Jaime through dance. She wished she could perform in public, with him in attendance watching her dance. She wished she could lift the cup of her dance battles and make a speech about the people who believed in her and embraced her dreams. She wished she could, but the reality of things made it impossible as of now. So she danced in the safety of her Gym. She danced Her frustrations away. She danced her solitude away and it felt good. Her muscles were sore. her throat dry and her skin soaked with sweat but she kept dancing. She kept moving. 

She kept living. 

-TBC-

A vintage's touch (pb): Picture perfect

 // It's taking place after the slap. Mary's looking at a few pictures of  Tommy and Grace and is reflecting on Tommy, his relationship with Grace, and her place in all of this. 

xxxxxx

Grace Shelby institute, 11: 00 Am, 

Mary was walking through the garden of the Orphanage. She needed some fresh air after she tended to the matters of the day. She enjoyed the sight of happy children, playing in the garden. Her green eyes set upon the large painting that was hung on the wall. It was a painting of Grace Shelby, the beautiful late wife of Thomas. Mary ran her hand over her dress, smoothing the fabric with both hands in a way to soothe her heart.  Tommy loved Grace, he loved her despite her betrayal. He loved her despite her desire to have him leave the mobster lifestyle. She was the mother of his child, and this could never be changed. She had been a friend, a caring ear, and a strong shoulder for him to rest against. There was no denying that Grace had saved Tommy with her love. She put him back together, breathed new life into him, and built a family with him. 

In a way, she helped him feel grounded and gave him something to return to. He had a family of his own, a wife, and a child. what more could he ask for?  Well, it was Tommy fucking Shelby, and he wanted everything. He was a man of devouring ambition, a man who couldn't accept living an uneventful life. He needed a challenge, he needed competition, and he needed absolute control over the life he was leading. He couldn't be satisfied with just sitting at a desk, shaking hands, and calling it a day. Tommy would whither if he stopped moving if he stopped fighting. Nobody could make him go 100% legitimate and leave the family business behind. Nothing could. Not Grace, not Charlie, not even the rest of his family. Grace didn't understand that. She didn't understand him, and maybe down the road, she would have felt the weight of his lifestyle upon her shoulders. 

Mary yanked her head back and closed her eyes for a while. She had witnessed Tommy turning cold after Grace died. He buried his emotions deep inside his heart, leaving little to almost nothing surface. He became harder to read than after WWI, and she understood that it had everything to do with falling in love and opening his heart to someone. Grace's death made him believe that he was cursed and that made him wary of getting closer to someone else. He tried, really, he tried, but here came Mary. She lived in the house, took care of his son, and managed to even break his sleeping habits by coming to his bedroom at night.  Here came Mary, with her chaotic desires, her chaotic life, and her rough edges. 

"I will take care of them, Grace. I will do my best to keep them happy." - She said but she wasn't sure of herself. 

Truth be told, Mary hadn't fully opened up to Tommy. She never had to talk about her late son Paul, or her late husband Carter. She never had to break down in his arms or express her fears. Mary was open about plenty of things but nothing that hit too close to home. Could she tell Tommy she was afraid he would use her like her late husband did? How could she tell him that she believed she couldn't be loved because of the past traumas she suffered from? How could she tell him that she wished she was a good surrogate mother to Charlie or that she loved him so much she wanted a life with him? How could she tell him that his presence soothed her fears, that she didn't think of the mistreatment, the pain, the horrors she'd suffered from in the past? How could she tell him that when he left his home, the only thing she wished was to see him at night?  Mary didn't think she would be a good lover, she didn't think she could keep her promise to Grace, but she knew she wanted to give it a try. She was still discovering herself, still learning that she was comfortable with a life of crime and was comfortable with who Tommy was.

"I can't live up to your memory. I'm not trying to. I don't know why Lizzie believes I want to be you. I don't. All I want is to make your boys happy because they make me happy. They make me happy..."-She wiped her tears and smacked her lips together as if to snap out of it. "I will do my best, I can promise you that I would give everything I have to love them." -She closed her eyes- "I love them...." -She then resumed walking. 

In Thomas Shelby's house, there was a son, a father, the memory of the child's mother, the maids, and Mary.... Mary who was more than a friend, who wasn't invisible, who wasn't just a booty call. In Thomas Shelby's house, there was a woman who loved both Tommy and Charlie Shelby, a woman who was still struggling with her story but who was willing to move forward, to the light, to a happier life with a man who understood her, a man she understood. 

-TBC-

Pride and Elpis: A goddess wish

A/N: Because it's been a while and Elpis was talking to me. Pride belongs to my friend Nate and Elpis belongs to me.

xxx xxx


I am still trapped inside my vessel, unable to escape from the curse Isthar, my older brother, gave me. I long for your touch and I know that all I can do is wait until I am released to touch you. How cruel is that, Superbia,  that I am just there, right next to you and I can't talk to you. I can't touch you. I can't smile to you.K I am locked inside that human and limited in my communication with her. I wish I could have lengthy conversations with her so I could explain how you make me feel. I wish I could talk to her so she would know how exceptional you really are.

When I was with you, I realized two things. First, you are more than you thought you were. You are more than just a weapon. I've always seen it inside of you. I always knew. And I pride myself thinking that I influenced you into being your true self. Being with me showed you that you could be more and you could feel more than just relentless anger and pain.  I then realized that being with you showed me that I had tremendous power. Destructive power. You showed me a darker side of myself, a powerful side that I never knew existed in me until I met you. You saw that potential and slowly, but surely, you helped me tap into that raw power.

We truly were two sides of the same coin. I fancy the idea that we complete each other because You gave me the strength and the tools to be the queen you deserve to have by your side. I gave you, the depth and knowledge of yourself that you never thought you'd have. You were more than just a tool, you were made to be king. You are the king of me, the king of my heart and the owner of my soul. I am your queen, the queen of your heart and the owner of your soul....I fancy that idea because that means we're both going to rule over anything we'd like as soon as I am free of my prison of flesh.


I want to see you, beloved. I need to see you. I just wonder if I will be able to escape this prison or if I'm going to die there, away from you and be forgotten for all eternity. I don't want that, If I die then I would die by your side, fighting your war, defending you, loving you. I beg of you, beloved, to set me free from this human who didn't ask for me to be there. I beg of you, beloved, to find a way to have me closer to you. I beg of you, beloved, to let me be with you once again like we once were. I beg of you....

Don't let me down.