allow yourself to be loved!

Quote of the day: "There's got to be a moment when you realize that you should allow yourself to be loved." <--- Brought to you by my sweet-sweet David. S.

I personally think he must be hitting his head against the wall because it's not the first time he said that lol. But you're right, boo. There is "building walls around your heart" to make sure you're not getting hurt as bad as you have been before and there is "I'm running away from people who love me or potentially can" because you can't fathom the possibility that someone actually cares about you. I can't speak for everyone, I can only speak for some with a traumatic and violent past, someone who would be caught dead with a knife rather than accept other people positive feelings for them. Because it stems from various fears. Fear of not being enough, fear of being too much, fear of being abandoned, fear of being deceived, fear of being unable to return those feelings because we don't feel worthy of them. the list can get longer or shorter, it depends on people and where they are at life.

It is even more upsetting because it does follow you around, even when you have turned your life for the better. Even when you escaped from the cycle of abuse, surrounded yourself with trusting and loving friends, plucked out the negative people from your life...it still follows you like the plague. it's crippling at times, overwhelming too because you can't really enjoy your relationships as they are because there is this little voice in your head anticipating the end. But don't worry, talking usually helps clear the mind and appease the soul. Talking truly is the best for those of us with anxiety issues because it does defuse a lot of bombs and it helps us see our reality better. So say, you're better now with better friends but romantic love still is a big issue.

What then?

Then you have people like David, who will remind you that, you can't possibly cut yourself off of romance, especially when you want some and when you're ready for it. You can't wait for the perfect significant other to happen because love (and life) is messy and unexpected. It never goes the way you want it to and sometimes it's actually better. Love, for a control freak like me, is something very difficult to allow because there is little to no control you can have. there is little one can do but just feel and this is it, this is the nail the hammer has to hit: You (we) have to allow yourself to feel.

So let's try this.

It's okay

I thought I would have forgotten about you by now. It would have been so much easier for me to just ignore everything that happened between the two of us. Unfortunately, this isn't how life works. I tried to forget you, I really did try hard but I could never pull that off. I don't know, it probably had something to do with you always being in my mind? Whenever I tried to move on, I found myself attracted all over again to you, to your words, to your voice, to your presence. I still remembered how it felt when you were next to me, the electricity in the air, the smiles we exchanged, the warmth of your words, the warmth of our laughter, I was in a dream. 

I was in a dream where you would be there next to me. You would talk to me, cradle me, comfort me and protect me. I was in a dream where you would have been there for me. I know I'm asking a lot, I'm probably asking way too much from you. After all, how can you comfort me, tell me that everything would be alright when you yourself are a mess? It can't be, it can't happen this way. I have to be the person who would pick myself back up and I have to be my own savior. I can't wait for someone to magically fall into my lap and take me away from my misery. With that said, I still think of you.

You're not a savior, not at all. You could have been a companion if you were honest about how you felt and who you really are. I don't want artifices, I don't want pretense, I just want the truth. I want your truth. I see you for who you really are but I am not sure you really want to see yourself in the same light. It's not difficult to understand, but it surely is difficult to live through. I get it. I'm not mad at you for not being ready to see yourself as you truly are. I do have to acknowledge that you never tried to lie about your circumstances. You've always been very clear about what you wanted, what you were going through, and what you didn't want. You have always been very clear about what you were looking for, in me, in us...But you thought you were sly and that we were looking for the same thing but we weren't. I wanted something serious. I wanted something real. I wanted something that mattered. I didn't want to be a sexcapade. I didn't want to be one number on your cell phone. I didn't want to be that sweet and naive conquest you had when you came to my town. I wanted to mean something else, something more. 

But all of this looks so... trivial now. I do dream about you, sometimes. I do read your words again, sometimes. I do feel your presence and your breath and your smiles... sometimes. I surprise myself thinking of the next time we would meet and how I would behave but this time is different. I am not looking forward to being with you anymore. this... I have understood it could never happen. We are not meant to be and it's okay as well. I miss your touch, but it's okay too. I miss your voice and your humming and good mood and your passion.. but it's okay too. I'm honestly trying to find my way through this, move on from where we were. move on from my dire need to be with you. I am fully aware that I deserve better, that if it didn't work out when we met, then it just wouldn't;  We both know it's true. We both know we can't plan on the comet and wish it'll come true and solve our issues. it's not how the world works and it's okay too.

With that said...I am thinking of you. Of your touch, of the kisses we would never share, of the hugs we wouldn't share either -not as much as we could that's for sure-. I think of your laughter and of how much we've been talking over the phone and we won't be doing it anytime soon. It's okay, I have other people to talk to. I don't depend on your calls and I've learned better not to count on you. You weren't there when it was important. people saw, people read. people know. you weren't there and I can't pretend you were. I was deeply hurt and upset that you didn't show up and didn't act half the decent man you were supposed to be. I hold it against you. You being a coward when it actually mattered that you weren't one.  It's who you are, it's okay. I understand. I don't want that in my life, not in a partner, but I understand.

Ultimately, I guess what I was trying to say is that I miss you. I really do. I miss everything that was "us" that happened last year. I miss everything that could have been "us" but would never be. I miss you and I think of you sometimes. I think of your kisses and your hugs and everything glowy and beautiful and bubbly about us but then I remember how dark things could get between the two of us and I remember how complicated our situation is and I remember how you behaved and what I need right now and later on in my life and then it becomes crystal clear that we're not good to each other and we're not meant to be more than friends.....And it's okay.

It's okay.

It really is.

Patience, I am running out of it. (part 1)

I have learned two things, growing up.

Patience is most likely to be taught to girls at an early age. Patience has been attached to the gender so much that transgender people identifying as women, do give into this trope that a woman should be demure. She should always take the time to listen to the other, do the emotional labor for them, be understanding if the other (especially men) can't or won't open-up, soften-up, take their needs and desires into consideration. "Be patient, you know him. he's always a little hot-blooded", "be patient, your turn will come.", " a woman's virtue is her patience" (or some derivative bullshit). Women are less likely allowed to NOT be patient because then, they become hysterical.

They become bitchy, bossy, angry (must be their periods eh?). They become unhinged and have to be tamed. Because this is un-ladylike. This has to be stopped, this is scary. "nobody would love you Hunny if you get angry all the time" or "if you're always this impatient, it will be difficult to trust/give you something/ listen to you/etc..". A man (or people who identify as such) would more likely be listened to. An angry man usually has a reason to be angry. "He's just an honest guy. If he gets mad, it's because something unfair happened to him". You'll never hear the words "hysterical" or "Bitchy" if a man gets angry. Anger sometimes tends to be glamorized if it's from a male perspective. It often can be tied to "justice" or "heroism". The male character would suffer from an incredible trauma (usually, the death of the family) or an injustice (he was kicked out of his job despite working his ass for decades.) The character would be in his right to be angry. Audiences would connect to him because male anger (carried over by the protagonist) is relatable! Sadly enough, it also is for a female audience since we've been taught to glorify the justified anger of our heroes.

A woman, however, could never. She would always be wittier, softer, kinder than her male counterpart (unless we're in a fetish power fantasy which had female characters empowered but basically not allowed to be nuanced and have flaws). She wouldn't get angry because she's somewhat "Smarter" than the males and shouldn't resort to pure raw anger. This is a trend I call bullshit and that should stop, freaking stop. Unfortunately, why do you think this transpired to today's world and societies? We don't have to go too far to understand why. Take for example some of the women who were forced into mental institutions. Some of them were sent there because they were "hysterical" when most of the time, they just had an attitude about them. A desperate need for freedom, the guts to express their anger and derive from the norm. They were sent there to be re-assessed and forced to act like the other ladies, the "proper" ladies.

We don't have to go too far to read in the cesspool of sexist assholes you can find on the internet, to see how they react to a female in power. They feel emasculated, threatened, angry because these women have the nerves to be commanding, at times angry at them for their incompetence and just behave the way any other boss would. Why do you think rape fantasies where female characters in power are dehumanized, humiliated and brought down to their knees exist? Because anger and ultimately power in a female don't sit well with people whose model had always been patriarchy.
but the second lesson I learned, is even more frustrating.