Misadventures of Eros and Thanatos: Morning Glory

 Misadventures of Eros and Thanatos: Morning Glory

This is the calm after the storm when everything was said and done. There laid the pieces of our hearts, shattered by the violence of our words of the day before.

It feels as if we woke up from a nightmare, exhausted, heartbroken, with acute senses. We could feel the warm breeze on our faces again, the sting of the open wounds we still carry, the dried tears on our faces, the latest testimonies of war.

We look at each other, still at a safe distance for we aren't sure yet. Are we going to rip each other's throat like the night before? Are we going to let doubt and fear creep into our hearts? Are we letting darkness win over? We cautiously gather the broken pieces on the floor and carry our hearts in our hands.

We look at each other, confused, upset, and ashamed. Yes, why did we have to hurt the other with words we weren't even thinking? why did we have to spit at our faces, the lies, and fear we keep telling ourselves?

I guess, deep down we both fear being left behind. We both fear to be alone again. We both fear to have the other wake up one day and see that we are not enough.

We look at each other and we realize that we lived through another day, and as we look into each other's eyes, we could see again, the love we have for each other. Its warmth soothes our souls and finally, we are able to see each other again, without the rose-tinted glass of self-hatred.

This is the calm after the storm when our war ends. This is the moment we see with clarity that there was no reason to be afraid because the other is genuine in the love they have for us. This is the moment we allow truth to pierce through the thick coat of lies we draped ourselves with. Love, true love, is triumphant.

And we hug. And I can feel that peace I have been craving for. I can feel that truth I have been searching for. You love me and I love you. And that was all we need to understand so the war could end. We love each other, what greater gift to ask for?

I am not waiting for you

There comes the time when I reflect on what happened to us. I realize I allowed myself to dream for just a moment. It had been eons since I felt the warmth of a touch, the warmth of a smile and someone interested in me even if it just was for my body. I felt desire and I had not experienced it for so long that I allowed myself to get drunk with it. I allowed myself to get drunk with you. I want to regret it because ultimately, it does hurt that nothing could come out of it. I won't regret it. I won't because I know that actually was something I needed in my personal life. I needed to feel desired again, to see it first hand and come to realize that yes, indeed, I can be attractive to at least someone. 

I was tempted when I was with you. I was tempted to give into you because I felt that it was right but my mind knew better and I knew I couldn't just do it. I knew I would regret and thank god I didn't give into you. Today, if I had, I would be in shambles. I respected myself, you respected my decisions and I am grateful you did because you saved me the troubles and pain. I am attracted to you, very much so, but I know you're not the right person for me. You're not because..we don't match well. I am not going to elaborate because I don't need to. I just know we're not meant to be and it is liberating and frustrating at the same time. We are not meant to be, you and me and it's okay. I have made my peace with it.

However...While for the first time in a long time, I do know that I want you, I won't be waiting for you. I am not waiting for you. I can't wait for you to sort your life out and come to me. It could never happen and I would have wasted away while waiting for you to make your move. If you want me, you'll come claim me. If you want me, you'll walk the walk. If you want me, you'll make the efforts necessary to be with me. There is no prince charming, there are hard working princes. People who have known hardships, people who do value trust, honesty and truth. People who do value Love when they get it and who are able to give love as well. I have had my fair share of people who were selfish and didn't care about the people who had feelings for them. I don't want this in my life and you know it. I want truth, honesty, and trust. I want you to talk to me when you have to, I want you to open up to me and trust me with how you feel. I want you to come to me when you need to and seek comfort in my arms. I also want to be able to do the same.

And this is why we are not meant to be. We're not because you failed. I don't trust you. I don't think you're honest with me and I don't think you will ever tell me the truth. So it's jeopardized already. I don't think you will walk the walk with me. I don't think you will make the efforts you need to do in order to be with me. I don't think you are ready for me. So it's better if I stop dreaming about it. It's never going to happen and I need to make my peace with it. We just were a dream I am happy to have dreamt. Thank you for all you gave me. That's why I'm not going to ignore what happened.