Be kind to yourself

be kind to yourself, 

I realized how harsh and self-destructive I was when I was asked to say out loud what crosses my mind. I had to imagine myself speaking to a child and I broke down. It's so easy to fall into a cycle of abuse towards ourselves as if growing old stops us from feeling compassion for ourselves. We act as if we can handle everything because we're supposed to. We're supposed to set goals as high as possible and berate ourselves if we can't reach them. 

We're supposed to follow a path because others have done it because that's "how it's supposed to be" and we don't listen to ourselves or our own needs. Someone told me that we were our worst bullies, and it is true. we speak so effortlessly horrible words that either were spoken to us by someone else, or we created based on expectations we couldn't meet. 

In the long run, we forget that we're no less deserving of kindness. We're no less deserving of being treated right, even by ourselves, especially by ourselves. In the long run, we forget to cut ourselves some slack and to stop and breathe. We don't meet our needs. So, we have to rekindle our connection with ourselves. We have to make sure we meet our needs. We have to make sure we listen to ourselves again and give ourselves the grace of failure and growth. 

it's probably word salad because I can't seem to find my words today, but I hope that at least some of it could reach out to someone out there 🙂

Doya: Happy 3 years!

 Happy 3 years!

Do you remember when we took this picture? It was a few months after we first met. I had no idea of the beautiful future ahead of us. We had such a beautiful night, Not the first, but definitely a template of what was to come in the next 3 years. It just went by so fast, I can’t believe we’ve already been in each other lives for this long, and yet, it feels as if we’ve been knowing each other for decades. I bless this day, the day we met each other. From the beginning you’ve always been a nice and supportive person, we became work partners and I jokingly called you Main Husband (this one will stick for ages :p sorry not sorry) because I thought we completed each other well. And we did. We were already a team and a good one.

We got to experience a lot of things together, the good, the bad, and the ugly but we always did it together. 3 years later and I feel that our bond became even stronger. You love me like nobody ever did before and I hope you know that I love you just as much and would always do my best to make you feel happy, loved, and cared for. That’s all I ever wanted for you. So, my dear Main Husband, Happy Anniversary 😊 May we have a wonderful 4th year, full of new challenges, joys, and celebrations!

Love and Me

Love and  I aren't friends. We might even say we're frenemies.
Because you know, I do love LOVE. I enjoy its company, I adore its thrills.
But Love always tricks me into looking at the wrong direction, finding the wrong people
And made me experience both the best and the worst when I fell in love.
Or so I thought.

I don't mind loving people, I love people, maybe as much as I hate them.
I don't mind having friends, having a family even though the circus is the same.
The joy of adding a new member to the family we choose is exciting and terrifying at the same time.
The excitement over someone old who is still in our lives is worth the efforts we put in said relation

The pain is stinging the same too. But I take the risk because I know how to handle it.

Love and I aren't friends. We might even say we're frenemies.
Because when Love makes me fall in love, it is always a glorious chaos.
A blender of fear and excitement, of hopes and disappointments and rare success.
It's a rainbow of emotions, maybe we could say the emotional spectrum of the lantern corps.
I feel as much as Hal Jordan than Larfleeze than Star Sapphire and how could I forget,  Saint Walker?

But maybe I am much more a mix of Sinestro and Atrocitus,
The perfect harmony between rage and fear for I fear to lose it all and I am angry at my old losses.
Maybe it has more to do with how I feel about myself rather than how I feel about the other.
The other is always up there, in the sun, bringing me hope and giving me unconditional love.
But I still have to Batman my way into it, don't I? Question everything, investigate.

Maybe it's how it should be, protect your heart and prepare for the worst.
However, preparing for the worst prevented me to taste the better.. mostly because I do not believe...
I do not believe it does exist. How could someone genuinely love me?
How could someone genuinely walk the walk with me and make the efforts I need?
How could I be sure I wouldn't end up distraught like I used to?

And from the shambles of my heart, it's the void you'd find instead?
Am I not one step closer to feeling numb? feeling nothing because I am tired of it all?
Or are these just reasons to avoid that conversation with Love?
Because I want to make Love sit and have a serious talk with it.
I want Love to be honest with me, show me the struggle, show me the scars, show me the cracks.
I want Love to show me hope too, show me how to fix the breaches, how to fill that heart with Love.

I want to ask Love about me. How do I do to finally love myself?
How do I  fight back the skeletons in the closet, the nightmares waiting to happen?
How do I get to ignore the scary voice in my head, the hurtful words I throw at myself?
How do I love myself? I wish to ask Love, but I know I can't.
Like Magneto, it always escapes, promising to come back with a vengeance.
Like Xavier, I allow that to happen, because I know that deep inside, it's misunderstood.
Maybe twisted, maybe wrecked up, maybe the lenses I use to look at it are deformed.

Or life forged me this way, past traumas I can't seem to overcome.
Or maybe I am simply not ready, the ladder is already there, I just need to see it, take the first step.
All of this is chaos in my head...

but "Chaos is a ladder", so I should climb that one and see what comes next.

You will live

At the very least smile.

Smile for all the days you weren't able to,

Smile for all the tears you had to cry,

Smile for all the bruises you had to hide,

For the heartaches,

For the broken mind,

For the broken life.

You Will fix it.

You will make great tomorrows

You will get your revenge on this awful life that was granted to you

You will make it pay for all the days you hated yourself

You will...

You will live