Soa: We carry our pain.

(SoA)

We carry our pain on our skin. Scars remind us that we lived. 

We carry our pain in our hearts. Wounds take a longer time to heal.

We carry our pain in our souls. And our chest tightens.

And our throat is dryer

and our eyes can't cry any more tears

so we die a little every night when we go to sleep. 

Yet we're reborn the following day. 

And we keep going. 

And we keep on moving. 

And we are still living. 

That is our strength.

SoA: love is in the air

(SoA)

"They say that the first ray of sunshine would pierce through the darkness of Winter; Spring is supposed to make you reconsider your life, start fresh, as Motherfucking nature does. Spring is supposed to have you reinvent yourself and that made me think. Have I really changed? Sure, I am sober now, for 4 years straight, I have been. Yet, I still feel like the woman I was eons ago. The one who knew Oscar, the one who lost her parents, the one who learned her brother was killed from broadcasted news. I am still afraid because I know I have something to lose again; I have a new family, made of people who could disappear just like that, like a snap of a finger. I have turned on a new leaf, learned how to protect myself, and I speak my mind again fearlessly... and yet... yet, I'm still afraid. So.. How does Spring works for us? Do we really change like the weather? do we grow? Do we shed the past like one caterpillar sheds its husk and becomes a butterfly? Do we really become something else? or are we deluding ourselves into thinking we became better,? I don't know... But it's spring baby and where there's the sun, there is life and this is what I'm doing. I'm still, living."

SoA: Another Sunday

SoA: Another Sunday

Darling-Teller household, 3 pm, one sunny Sunday :

Winston was noisy that afternoon. He heard the familiar sound of a bike parking before the house. The familiar sound of the inker's voice echoed made him even happier. He wasn't the tallest dog but he surely knew how to welcome those he cared for. As soon as the long shapely legs of the tattoo artist opened the door, the little dog barked at her. He rubbed against her smooth calves and followed her as she strutted to the kitchen. She waved at the guys, nodding quietly at them before she headed towards the fridge. She went to the fridge and picked a bottle of water from it before she grabbed a glass. A slight cough caught her attention and it made her turn her head to the left. Asma expected Half-Sack since he liked to joke around or Juice even but no... it wasn't them. instead, she gasped in surprise as Jessica leaned against the front door and crossed her arms.

« The leather-look suits you, Azzi. » She said with a grin before she walked towards her friend. The pink head chuckled and opened her arms. Winston barked happily and ran around the ladies' legs.

« Come closer. » -She said while she gently pulled Jessica into a tight hug.- « I've missed this. »

« You know you don't have to ask. » -Jessica reminded her before she leaned against the counter. Her blue eyes firmly set upon Asma, who was indeed rocking a leather biker girl look. Her hair was cut short, she was wearing leather pants and a white crop top and black boots were on her feet.- « You never have to when it comes to family. »

« I know... It's kinda difficult to come around, you're busy.. there's Jon... » She stopped for a minute, her eyes closed but she smiled. « The sexy Jon Wick who's spending time here with us. » She grinned and yanked her head back. « I love your new look though. »

« Why, thank you. » Jessica grinned and gently put her hand on Asma's shoulder. « Jon is a good friend, an old friend and someone you—wait a minute. » She blinked several times and looked at the young woman who was holding a little box in her hand. It was a gift, something small. « Is this for me? »

« Do I see someone else here? » Asma said with a chuckle. « I did it myself actually. » She said while she gently pushed the box into Jessica's hands. « Now was the perfect time to give it to you. «  Jessica tucked some hair behind her ear and grabbed the box. It was light, so she was wondering what it actually was. She shook it but it didn't make much noise, which meant it was secured. A light frown crept on her forehead and she pulled the ribbon off. Inside there was a painting Asma did of Jessica and her. The likeness was accurate and the fact they both were hugging each other brought a smile to Jessica's sugary lips.

« It's beautiful! Thank you so much, Azzi. » She said, as she wrapped her arms around her shoulders and pulled her into a tight hug. « I... haven't seen you in ages actually... now that you make me think of it... » She bit her bottom lip and bit her thumb harder. Asma nodded and shrugged.

Yes, they haven't spent enough time together. Aside from the parties thrown when Jax returned from Prison and the Sundays spent with the whole family, she didn't have the opportunity to spend a moment with her sister and she was missing her. She had been for months now. The pink head wasn't upset anymore, despite feeling curious about that Jon and anxious about his presence here. She knew he was here for a reason because Jessica asked for it but she wasn't sure of why exactly he was there and what type of job he really was there for. Asma wanted to ask questions, she wanted to have answers, but she knew none of them would answer her... instead, she took comfort in knowing that both JJ had returned home, she had come to terms with her anger towards the situation. She felt powerless and not knowing where her sister had been hit the inker harder than she expected. She still felt it deep in her heart, like a cut in her heart that never went away but the joy of seeing her sister trumped any stress or issues she could have had. A soft smile graced Asma's features and she nodded quietly.

« It's okay. We have all the time in the world. I came to spend Sunday with you. I was wondering if you could spare me an hour? »

« Absolutely. What do you want to do? »

« I have sex stories to tell you. I am not seeing Tig that much, but the few times we did it are worth being told. » She said in a chuckle before she grabbed the bottle of water and fetched Jessica a glass. « Sit your ass down and let's catch up for real, sis. » She offered the glass, the beautiful brunette eyed, still with a frown. It didn't last long since she was relieved to see Asma in such a good mood. It had been a while and they would be catching up. Today seemed perfect so she said in a sweet tone.

« Okay. »

soa: thoughts

(SoA): thoughts

// All the usual disclaimers

Was everything alright? They looked like it. Asma did try to focus on the good things. Jax was back, Jessica was back and both were alive. She should have stopped there, period. But Asma's mind had always been overthinking. Perhaps it came from the years of abuse at the hand of a possessive little dead shit. Perhaps it was losing her only brother to gang-related issues and mixing just a tiny bit with danger when she tried to rescue Jax by going to the Niners by herself, had the woman's anxiety going off the charts. She wasn't calm. How could she be when she noticed the subtle changes in her family?

Jax came back home, traumatized. She could see it, she went through trauma, she was traumatized as well. PTSD they called that. She was suffering from it ever since Oscar first laid his hands on her. She was able to manage it, but certain songs, some sounds, some words put together triggered her and she had seen Jax blackout once or twice during family gatherings. Did he even address the issue? how could she talk to him without hurting his feelings? she wanted to help and was determined to sit down with him and have that conversation. "What did they do to you, Jax? what did they make you feel?" after all, she saw him, back when Jessica wasn't around anymore and couldn't see him. Asma visited him until he went to the nursery..; so she knew...

Jessica came back a little bit shady. She understood why the brunette couldn't speak. The business was as business was... she couldn't put everyone int he confidence.. she never put Asma in the confidence and for good reasons. Asma couldn't blame her but she couldn't stop worrying about her. Jessica was a little bit of a firecracker when it came to making decisions. she was able to put herself in very tricky situations that would benefit everyone in the end but had to be carefully planned and calculated. Danger followed her like her own shadow and this whole situation felt dangerous... perhaps, once again, it was the presence of this Jon Wick that also didn't appease the young woman.

Jon was... Jon felt...she felt shivers go down her spine whenever he was around because she knew that he wasn't here to joke. He was certainly a professional and he was certainly extremely good at what he did. The man wasn't talkative and she knew they started on the wrong foot because of her constant questioning. He wouldn't kiss and tell and she would never know if her hunch was actually true or just her head messing around with her. He wasn't dangerous for her though, nor for the people of the group. So she knew he was an ally. he was here to protect. he was here to protect Jessica while pretending he wasn't going to protect them.. wait, no.. he clearly stated he was there for protection and was hired by Jessica... was Asma thinking way too much? as her thoughts quickly began to get scrambled, Asma looked past her window and sighed deeply. Nothing made sense... nothing but at least she could still ink. Maybe she could be able to bond with the mysterious Mr; Wick through a conversation about tattoos... Maybe...

Maybe...

(SOA): The queen and King are back.

(SOA): The queen and King are back.

A/N: Finally xD <3

xxx

She didn't believe it when the sons started to celebrate and excitedly started to decorate and clean around. She didn't believe it when the pretty pistons came to her and asked for her help. "a homecoming ceremony"? really? Abel and Thomas were all over the place, excited beyond reason because they were told their father was coming home. Everyone was agitated, but amidst the chaos, there was some order. everyone knew what to do and how to do it. Everyone except Asma.

She had issues digesting what happened a few months ago, with Jessica disappearing and nobody telling her shit about it. She had issues going to prison to visit Blondie. Her tears couldn't be contained, her fears were plastered all over her face, but she held on, she smiled. however fake that smile was, she still smiled.

Tig wasn't around, he sometimes stopped by, but she could tell by the face he made that something important was to happen. Maybe he was involved in the neighboring towns' mayhem that was broadcasted all over the news. Maybe he was just conducting business as usual..; she had no clues and it was starting to become overwhelming. How could she marry a man who would keep her in the dark regarding his activities? why were they treating her like a kid? she didn't agree with it, not anymore and plenty of times, she had packed her bags and tried to leave.

To no avail.

She didn't want to leave. She never wanted to leave. So she found herself sitting in her bedroom, with her bags almost ready to go and tears on her face. she ended up crying because that was the only sane thing she could do during all this madness. Jessica's whereabouts were uncertain, she didn't call, she never texted... part of Asma knew she came back to do business...she knew. that part wasn't a problem. what was an issue was the level of danger she didn't know. Just how dangerous was the job? what chances did she have to come back alive? How could ASma lie to the kids when she didn't know if their mom would come back alive?

Not knowing was driving her crazy and upon learning that the queen and the king would come back, she couldn't really explode with joy. she wanted to, she wished she could just put a smile on her face and pretend that the past couple of months were easy peasy... but she couldn't lie.

"Bella?" -Tig's voice almost made her scream since she did not hear him come home.- "What's all this? you wanted to leave?"

"Even if I wanted to leave, I just can't. How can you call me your old lady if I know nothing? If you push me away from your actual life?"

"We talked about this, Bella." -he was firm in his tone. they had this conversation over and over again. she should know by now that he didn't want to involve her in the club's activities. she had enough on her plate as it was-

"I know.....We did." She sighed and wiped the tears off of her face. She knew he would want to talk about the bags, but today wasn't the right moment to talk about it. Tig would have to wait. "Where is Jessica?"

"Her place." He watched as she stood up and grabbed her purse. "I won't let you drive when you're shaking like that."

"I do what I want!" Asma replied, wiping her face clean. "And right now, I have to go see her and tell her my two cents..."

"Jax is coming home today. don't go there and ruin the mood."

But she wasn't listening anymore. Tig thought she would be happy to see him, he wished she would be but she didn't even acknowledge his presence. He wanted to talk about the bags, about her desire to leave and the sadness that laced her voice when she said she didn't feel welcome. he knew she hated the situation but feared she would not want him anymore. She rushed to her car and drove to JJ's home where everyone was busy preparing for the party. She waved at everyone, but her eyes scanned the place in search of the brunette and when chocolate locks finally popped near Ava and Abel, Asma simply walked closer.

Jessica was helping her little girl put her shoes on while keeping an eye on the youngest boy when she heard the familiar steps. Abel pointed at Asma with the big smile he always had when he saw her and Winston rushed to rub his body against her legs. It was Asma, no doubt about it.

"Asma..." Her voice was laced with apologies because she knew it was the least she could do to soothe her sister's heart.

"You're home." Was all Asma could say before she unclenched her fists and dropped her shoulders. "You're home," she repeated to herself. the heavyweight she had been carrying for months finally made itself felt and while extreme joy could be read on her face, she was devastated. Abel gently patted the stairs so Asma could join them there but Jessica stood up.

"I am. I'm home now." Her cerulean eyes were shifting from left to right as she wasn't sure she could face her sister, but she had to, so she turned around. "I'm sorry. I know you're hurt because of me... but I'm home now."

She didn't wait for an answer and wrapped her arms around Asma's frame to pull her into a tight hug. At first, Asma struggled against it, she was upset, confused, sad but relieved and that had her wrap her arms around Jessica's waist. Her sister was back, and alive. and while there would be a moment to sit and talk about what happened, and why she kept her in the dark for so long, today was about celebrating. so they were going to celebrate. The Queen and King of Charming were back home today.

Jessica and Asma: Copycats

Jessica and Asma: Copycats

Asma ran her fingers through her pink locks, her hazel eyes set upon the waiting for clients at her parlor. While she loved her job, she could careless for the crow eaters who had an appointment with her today. All of them were long-haired slender brunettes with an attitude. None of them, however, had Jessica's class or even sense of self. They were copycats, look-alike airheads who didn't realize that they would never replace the Queen. Most of them didn't have any ambition, if not just have a couple of mean bikers fuck them around and show them around like trophy wives. Some of them, however, wanted the throne and they were speculating about whether or not they could replace Jessica. Tandy was one of them. Slim figure with a little curve on her, an intense blue gaze and long soft chocolate locks. She came in asking for a heart tattoo on her right hand's little finger, which Asma frowned upon. She straight-up refused to do it to her, claiming that she could have anything but a heart tattoo on a finger. They argued, but Asma dryly told her that she wouldn't be the next queen and that Jax hated copycats anyway. It was enough to make her back-off.

Copycats? Really? It is true that when the cat isn't there, mouses dance their asses off. Disgusting! Tandy changed her mind, asked for stylized hearts instead of on her pelvis. Good, get your coochie tattooed and stop playing pretend. Asma obliged her request, made sure she was half-listening to what the airhead was saying and it didn't disappoint. Word got out that Jessica hadn't visited Jax in Prison for a while. Did they know why? Of course, not. Did they speculate? Oh yeah, they did. For these girls, the queen was not doing her duty properly, so someone had to step in. Fucking idiots! Did you think that Jax was that type of guy? Because he wasn't getting pussy he would let anyone of you slide it in? Stupid girls...Stupid fucking girls! Jax and Jessica were more than this, they were more than sex, more than the satisfaction of the flesh, they were more than the basic idea of a couple those women had. They were the real deal, the ride or die type. They were partners, equals, and when Jax couldn't run his business, Jessica did. Working on these idiots was frustrating because it forced Asma to realize she was missing her sister. Her heart bled out...her heart bled out but she had to keep her composure and wait.

And wait.....

soa: where are you?

(SoA)

"I went to see Jax a couple days ago. He seemed to be doing alright. Maybe a little more worried than usual. Maybe a little darker than usual. I can't exactly tell. I am not with him 24/7 but you are. Oh, I should be calling you right now, I should be talking with you about the whole trip to prison and the fact I hate this place and wish to never have to come back there. Oh, I should be calling you right now and talk about how stressful this must be for you. I should e telling you all the shit I have done, trying to help and how lucky I was to get out alive. Oh, I should be calling you... but where are you?

You disappeared, again, as usual, if we think about it. You disappeared and because I'm kept out of the loop, I have no goddamn idea of where. Sure, Mayhem started when Jax was sent to prison. People died, chaos ensured, My brain quickly realized it was you but I kept my mouth shut...I could handle that shit because at least you came back home when the deed was done. At least I could talk with you, I could stop by your house, bring the kids cookies, have a chat with you and see how you were doing. Now? Now I can't do shit because you're not around. Where the fuck are you?

Do you remember the night we talked and you told me you went back to business? Do you remember how worried you were that I was mad at you for keeping it from me? Well, no shit Sherlock, now I'm mad! Now I'm pissed at you... Now I'm worried sick about you because I haven't heard from you. The boys? They're lips-glued and wouldn't say a damn word to me, especially Ope, no matter how much I bribed him with food. He just wouldn't tell me shit, like he didn't tell me shit when you went....missing. As usual, I'm hitting a wall and I'm left powerless and clueless and all I can do is watch as you...I am mad Jess...I am mad at you, do you know that?

Not because you're probably going on a rampage. I know you, remember? I can't be mad at you for trying to save your man. Hell, I would have done the same... hell! I did the same, just a lot more stupidly than you could ever do that. It's not my world after all. It's not... I'm not angry, I'm terrified. I'm terrified because you could be dead and my guts have a really bad feeling so I know you're not safe but I can't do shit about it. Nobody but you can do it. So I'm just left with Hope and faith in you. I'm just left with the unshakable faith in you that I have.

The Hope that you will come back to me in one piece and we will talk again. And we will laugh again...and you'll be at my wedding. Cause if you die...who's gonna carry the veil? If you die, who's gonna carry the rings? Who the fuck is gonna dab the tissue so my makeup isn't ruined when I say I do? Can't you see? I'm missing my sister! Where is she, uh? Where are you?"

Soa: protect the queen

SoA: protect the queen.

// <3 <3 

The king is down. 

The king is down... but the castle is still standing. 

Jax was busted for drugs and it didn't take long for the news to travel through the whole town. Charming loved gossips and it didn't miss an opportunity to ridicule the towns boogeymen. Asma noticed a change in the way people looked at them, she realized they were smirking, looking smug as of they were saying "your end is near." Which end? Which end?? She tried to give them a stinky eye, side-eyeing hard as she could not believe the way they were looking at her family. She tried to give them the finger and did it whenever a Stepford mom crossed path with her. It became tense. Quickly...

Jessica was the biggest issue for Asma. She knew her well. She knew the brunette would plaster a smile and try and keep it together for the boys but deep down her whole world would be crumbling. She was barely standing. Asma could tell. She knew Jessica enough, had seen her through a crisis, to notice when all of his was fake. A fake sense of control....a fake sense of knowing what to do next when all there was chaos... 

The king is down... protect the queen! 

Asma watched as everybody was on the verge of collapsing. They were all Trying to help. Ask whoever owed them a favor to help. They asked the Mexicans, the Russians... they even went and asked the Niners but it wasn't enough. Then Asma decided to be bolder. /She/ would ask. She would be the one to have a connection that could help Jax. Or so she thought. The pink haired lady wasn't in the biz, it wasn't /her/world. She was too innocent to eventually understand the intricacies of such a world and it showed. She went to the Niners and asked to talk to their President.  The laughs... you should have seen the laughs she got when she asked that question

 "aye shawty! Who do you think you are?" Said one who walked closer to her. 

"My brother was killed because of you assholes!" She heard herself say. They laughed harder. 

"Aawwww but we all die someday shawty. He's gone that's all. We owe you Nuthin'" 

She felt her lips tighten and she groaned. They wouldn't help, she knew that already but she wanted to do something to help anyway. Try something. Her boldness made them laugh, her curves got them thirsty and she was beautiful and defenseless so one of them smacked her denim-clad bottom and was met with a slap.

It made him laugh because her strength was nowhere to be seen. Her slap felt like a caress and it was frustrating. She clenched her teeth, irritated because they brushed off her brother's death. 

"He died for your good for nothing club!"

"And Samcro is better? Just because you suck some white dick that doesn't mean you're not one of us. That doesn't mean you're better than us."

"Get the fuck out with that!" She said curling her hands into fists and getting ready to fight. SHe stood no chance against those Guys and it showed because one of them pushed her hard, forcing her to hit the wall and another one was ready to pounce on her,  ready to kick the hell out of her body. She felt the first punches, how it cut her lips, how it made her spit blood. She felt her hair whip the air and tears roll down her face when a booming voice echoed through the room and hands pushed away from the two troublemakers. He was tall, taller than her with a pair of dreadlocks and an oversized blue shirt. 

"That's how you treat Cody's sister?? Uh? Like she's some side piece?" He smacked their faces again, visibly upset. 

Asma put her clothes back, relieved that the beating stopped and she stood up, her eyes still shooting flames as anger took over all the rest.

"Zachariah! She came here disrespecting us like she owned that joint! We wanted to teach that bitch..." 

Bam! A punch this time flew in asshole's one face.

"Her brother saved our presidents life! He was the real deal! More than any of you pussies would ever be! So get apologize to the lady!" 

They shot her a dark glare but mumbled apologies to the woman who cleaned her face with the back of her hand. 

"You gotta help me."

"Calm down Rapunzel! We ain't do no shit. Not for those samcro boys. You ride with our enemies and right now there is an opportunity to take the lead. Listen, your joint is like Switzerland. You ink any of us who want a tattoo. Out of respect for that and for your late brother, I'll let you go. I'll punish those fools an' I'll let you go." 

"I need Jax protected. I ain't asking for you to help him escape. I need him safe."

"Why?"

"My sister.... needs him alive. His family needs him alive. Whatever happens when he's out is none of your business but please... help him....."

She sounded desperate and she was. Seeing Jessica was so difficult for Asma that she took an enormous risk that night. Zachariah looked at her and walked towards the battered woman who was still bleeding from her lips and nose. He lifts her chin to have a better look at her face.

"I don't give a fuck about your sister and Jax Teller ain't shit but we got your back. We owe Cody your protection and that's about it. "

"It's not what I asked for." She groaned.

"No, it's what you get. Now you better peace out before it gets ugly."

She didn't have the choice this time and decided to lick her wounds alone, away from everything and everyone. 

The king is down, protect the queen.....

Asma returned with failure as big as the risk she took that night. She could have died that night or something worse could have happened. She knew love drove her very actions and that the desire to bring peace and tranquility to her sister was stronger than anything else. It didn't make her life better...it didn't bring the king back. And now she had to cover the bruises on her skin with makeup before Jessica saw them.

The king is down... protect

The queen.. always. 

All I want for Christmas: Part 2: Let me love you.

A/N: Finally, 2^nd and last part of that little bit between Asma and Jessica. <3

xxxxx

How long had Asma been in the kitchen? Jessica couldn't tell anymore. The quiet noise of the clock on the wall was becoming harder to handle. The brunette tapped her fingers against the table, impatiently waiting for her sister to return from the kitchen. Her blue eyes averted from the wall to the front door but Asma didn't come back. She laid her hand flat against the table and turned it around so she could stare at her blood-soaked palms. She had cleaned everything else before she came home, she always made sure to clean herself before she set foot in her house so her children wouldn't witness how much of a bloody mess their mother was and wouldn't suspect anything. She always did, but that night, she forgot to scrub her hands. Asma was aware of what she used to do -what she was still doing-, but Jessica didn't mention she was still killing.

Truth mattered to her, more than anything else, but she couldn't bring herself to be fully honest with the tattoo artist. The night she confessed about her past deeds was already risky. It could have gone sideways, Asma could have rejected her and Jessica remembered how nervous she was back then. Today was no different, her stomach was tied on a knot and she was holding her breath. She knew Asma would be mad for keeping the truth from her. Opie told Jessica how difficult it was for Asma to cope with her absence. She knew her sister tried to find answers and was frustrated by the silence and secrecy surrounding SAMCRO and the KNIGHTS. It was what it was, Jessica tried to rationalize. She couldn't tell the whole truth but that didn't mean she wasn't true. Wasn't it all that mattered? To be true to each other? Yes, it was...

Still...

Tonight, she wished the floor would open and swallow her whole. She ran her hand through her hair and held a fistful of honey locks, while her eyes were glued to the main door. Asma was washing her hands for a while now. They were clean already but she couldn't stop scrubbing her skin, to the point of irritating it. It wasn't so much the sight of blood that triggered her. It was the fact Jessica came home, seemingly unharmed and clean, only to leave a blood print on her skin. It felt like a white lie had been exposed. It felt like the truth jumped on her face and knocked her down. She was upset, her stomach was also tied on a knot while her mind was so filled with noise she couldn't hear her thoughts. Panic had her repeat the same gestures in order to calm her nerves but it was starting to hurt so she stopped the stream of hot water and bit her bottom lip. For a split second, she thought the blood was Jessica's and it wrecked a nerve. She still remembered that time they went to the hospital -how she hated hospitals- when they found a severely beaten up Jessica. She could have died that night if someone had not found her; She would have been dead and the whole family would have heard the bad news from very sorry doctors. Tonight just reminded her how mortal Jessica was. It also exposed the big fat ugly truth of Jessica still running around taking risky jobs and playing with her life every damn night.

Her lips were shaking and she hit the sink with her hand, making a noise that alarmed Jessica who straightened up on her chair. Asma ran her hand into her black locks and looked at the ceiling. She was pissed, but was she pissed because of the secrets, or was she pissed because she was worried? Her mind was still buzzing with noise, so she decided to act on instincts and let the words out. They had to talk, Since she returned from wherever she was, Jessica and Asma didn't have time to sit and have an actual conversation, so now was a perfect time. Asma nodded to herself and quickly left the kitchen. Jessica stood up, unable to sit still once her sister returned to her.

«Asma... »

« Every damn night... » -Asma started.- « Every damn night I wake up from a nightmare I have about Alex, about you...Every night I wonder if you will come back in one piece or if I will have to attend your funerals. »

« Asma... » Jessica lowered her head, her eyes shifty-eyed from left to right. « That's the-- »

« That's the life, I know! I have always known. I am not stupid! » She said, as she rested her hands on her waist. « I knew long before you told me about your past that you were doing this kind of shit! I had a brother, remember? He was a sixty niners, so I knew deep down that you were in the same business, that Jax was in that business too. » Jessica felt cornered. What could she actually say when she knew Asma was right? She didn't want to argue, not right now, so she decided to ask a question and get this over with.

« Are you mad at me? » -She anticipated the answer but still wished it was a 'no'. -

«YES! Yes, I am! I am mad because you all decided I shouldn't know the truth about you. I am mad because you willingly left me in the dark, all of you. I have patched the boys several times already. Bullet wounds, stabbing wounds, you fucking name it. Do you think I didn't do the maths? Do you think I didn't know what was going on? I did ! I fucking did but I said nothing because I wanted /you/ to tell me. Then.. then Jessica you disappeared on us. For weeks we didn't know where you've been! Jax was going crazy here! He was scared for you, anxious, nervous, empty without you! How do you think I felt ??? »

« Asma... I really couldn't tell Jax where I was. If I can't tell Jax, I can't tell anyone else.» She honestly could not have. In order to protect her family, she had to keep her mission a secret. Hearing Asma's finally vomiting her emotions hurt Jessica. She knew it was to happen, somehow, someday, but she had not anticipated it to be this early and even less to be this violent. She could see the pain on her sister's face, the fear that transpired in her shaky voice, the defensive posture she took to protect herself, her heart. Jessica knew Asma was mad at her, but hearing the words felt like a slap in the face. So she lowered her head again and took a deep breath.

« You could have told me when you came back! You should have. You should have told me you were still working so I didn't discover it by accident! You should have told me with your words and you should have trusted me! You don't, not even today, not even after all we went through. You do /not/ trust /my/ love for you Jessica. And it hurts you know that? It does... hurt...so... much. » She said, finally sobbing as words escaped from her lips. Jessica was shocked at the words, for they have been far from the truth. Of course, she trusted her, why would she ask her to keep the kids if she didn't trust her? Her eyes were wide open and stared at the sobbing woman in front of her.

« I didn't want to hurt you. Asma, I tried to tell you, I rehearsed in my head the words I was going to say but I just could not. » She said, as she pulled Asma into a hug. Her arms wrapped around the inker's shoulders and her head, while Asma's arms wrapped around her waist and kept her close. For a few minutes, the only noise that filled the room was Asma's sobs. Jessica comforted her the best she could but emotions got to her, the guilt she tried to rationalize yet again. Did she really behave in a way that would make Asma think she didn't trust her enough to tell her the truth? Her mind was racing, trying to understand the situation and walk in Asma's shoes. If Jax had been pulling this shit on her, Jessica knew she would have reacted like this, even worse than Asma did. « Look how worried you were when I didn't tell you what I was doing. Imagine how worried you'd be if you knew everything? I didn't want you to live with fear in your guts, like when Oscar was still alive. »

« It's not up to you to decide for me, Jessica. We're family and I mean my words. That also means I have to know what's going on. » Asma managed to say in between sobs. « I know that the less I know, the better it is. I understand that. I don't need you to tell me everything, I just need you to be true to me Jessica, please. » She said as she pulled away from her to look into her blue eyes.

«I know... » What more could she say? Asma had a point, she had to be true, but sometimes the whole truth could cause more damage than a little bit of it. She knew Asma meant well, but there was still a chance that she would leave. Her eyes were filled with fear and her body stiffened as she stared at her sister. Asma moistened her lips and gently cupped Jessica's cheeks.

« I'm not going anywhere, Jessica. I know you're afraid that knowing the truth would tear us apart, but it cannot because I know you. It cannot bring us apart because I know that life. My brother was part of it, my father was military so I know what it is to put your life on the line and for your loved ones to be worried about you. I know that life. » She said stroking Jessica's pale cheeks. « I need you to be true to me, so I can love all of you, including that part. » She said, as she gave her a smile through her tears. « So please, let me love you just as you are. » She whispered, her hazel eyes stared into Jessica's who opened them wide and chewed at her bottom lip.

It seemed like nothing at first, A couple of words, but it was enough to have Jessica tear up. She suddenly realized she had been holding her breath for so long and sighed in relief. A tear rolled onto her cheeks but was quickly wiped out by Asma's thumb. Her hands held onto the ebony inker's wrists and she nodded again. It seemed like nothing at first, but now that the truth came out, it felt like a rebirth.

-TBC-

All I want for Christmas: Part 1: Are we good?

All I want for Christmas: Part 1: Are we good?

xxxxx

"Jess...."

Asma said her name, her eyes still heavy from the sleep that was interrupted. She had barely slept that night, mostly because she kept an eye on the kids while Jessica and Jax weren't home doing God knew what. It always was stressful for the tattoo artist, because she never knew if they would come back home or how they would come back home. While the kids kept her busy, screaming, playing, crying and laughing, she was busy thinking of her family. She could feel her insides churn at the thought of them not coming back, and felt nauseous at the thought of them bleeding from various injuries. It was to be expected after all. it was the job. They would be hurt and sometimes so hard that stitches weren't enough. But not every night, not all the time and maybe, eventually, tonight they wouldn't be. She was hoping for this.

"Asma?"

Jessica fetched herself a cup of coffee and gave Asma her own. She was grateful her sister took on babysitting duties without hesitating but couldn't help but see how worried she was. Her forehead creased like it always did when she was upset. The brunette sat next to her friend and gently put her alabaster hand above the shaking ebony's hand. Her eyes were warm, far warmer than they were moments ago but she cursed under her breath once she realized that she had not cleaned her hands before. They were still soaked with blood and it just covered the skin of the inker's hand. tic...tac.. tic..tac, the only noise that filled the room was the clock on the wall. a silence filled with anxious looks Jessica's blue orbs gave Asma. She still was unpredictable and Jessica swallowed hard. Asma glanced at her hand and stared at the blood smeared all over her skin. She then looked at Jessica again, this time checking for injuries.

"Yours?" She asked. her voice shaking. Jessica shook her head, but Asma insisted. "Are you injured?"

"No. No Asma I'm not. I'm fine. I promise." She was tense, her breathing was shorter and she barely could feel her body move. "It's not mine, I promise" she added before her eyes looked away for a brief second.

"I see..." -Asma trailed off and stood up.- "I'll need to wash this then."

"Asma..." Jessica's voice was full of questions she couldn't ask. She didn't understand Asma's reaction and couldn't decide whether or not her sister was alright with all of this. "Talk to me."

"We're good Jess. We're good. I'll just wash my hands and I'll come back and we'll talk about.." She paused "I forgot. we'll talk about what I wanted to say."

"Y-Yeah. We'll do that. Was it about Christmas?" Jessica was hesitant still. Asma turned on her heels.

"Something like that! I'll be---"

"Are we really good??" Jessica stood up and turned around to face Asma who stopped mid-way and turned around. "You're not saying this now and then change your mind later?"

"Jess....No! No of course not. I just...I'll wash my hands and I'll be back. We're good. I promise you that, we're good."

And she disappeared into the kitchen, leaving a mortified Jessica alone in the living room.

-TBC-

// <3 <3 <3 It didn't want to leave my mind until it was written. so here it is. I promise, no drama <3 just a long overdue conversation.

SoA : What now? -Jessica & Asma-

SoA: What now?

Xxxxxxx

« Jess..... » -Asma's voice echoed through the bedroom.-

« Yeah? C'mere. » -Jessica answered, she put her phone away for the time being, unwilling to let business be caught up by the one person they still agreed to protect from their shenanigans.

Reluctantly though, the red queen put the device away and welcomed a tired but happy Asma. She had kept her natural rich black hair color for a while now, and had styled them in heavy curls that framed her beautiful face. The change was progressive and subtle, but it was a testimony of how crazy things have been since Jessica had not noticed until today. Guilt crossed her face as Jessica watched Asma carefully close the door behind her. Since she returned, she tried to find a moment to sit with her sister and tell her what happened and why she couldn't text her back. She wanted to say she was sorry for going MIA and that she heard the toll her absence took on Asma but words just died at the back of her throat. She wasn't in a very pleasant situation. Half of her wanted to be truthful and honest with Asma, and she did tell her the truth, not the one involved with the club but her own truth, the knights, the jobs, the hustling she did.

Asma was at least, aware of who Jessica was, but she still kept some elements out of it, out of fear of hurting Asma or endangering her life. How could she properly say « Oh! By the way, I'm still in the business to this day. What happened with Oscar was not out of the ordinary for me. Ah! That's what it is. » It wouldn't fly well, especially since Tig refused to involve Asma into this part of his life just yet. It was safer to let her remain oblivious of the real activities of the club but Jessica knew Asma knew. They didn't need to spell it out to her, she did tattoo the new prospects, the crow eaters, and at some point, she even had to tattoo some of their enemies so she fucking knew. There was just a difference between knowing something and having someone confirm you were right and nobody wanted to confirm it, at least, not now. So Jessica didn't know how to tell the truth to her sister, despite her promise to do so.

« We barely had time together since you came back. » -Asma said, carefully laying her bag on the floor- « I was starting to believe you were avoiding me. » She joked, a heartfelt laughter crept out of her lips as she teased her sister.

« You know damn well I wouldn't even dare! » Jessica answered back,  laughing slightly off as she did avoid to be left alone with her. She was hoping that as the weeks went on and Asma would see Jessica was really back, she wouldn't need answers anymore. It was a gamble and she might have been wrong. Tension rose up in the air, from Jessica's side but from Asma's as well.

« I know. You better not be. » She grinned and crawled onto the bed. « There's something I wanted to show you. » Jessica lifted a brow and turned her head to Asma who was kneeling on the mattress. « Yeah, really. It's...It's...I don't know, better show you than babble. » She dropped her leather jacket on the bed and removed her tshirt in front of a very tense Jessica who for some reason was scared something bad had happened to her sister and she wasn't there to protect her. She was expecting bullet wounds or stabbing scars but instead, she found a massive piece inked on Asma's right flank. She blinked several times and shifted on her bed.

« Wait....what is... » -Asma sighed, searching for some strength to introduce her new piece to Jessica. « Wow...It's massive and gorgeous honey... » Was all she could say. The piece was indeed massive. It was a large skull with water lilies at the base of it, two pistols instead of the bones you could find on a pirate flag. A ribbon went from the left to the right and words were written inside of them. -

« If you look closely, where words are written, above the skull, you should read something. » -Asma was nervous, Jessica could tell by the way she was shaking. She moved closer to her sister and read the first words on the left. ' Alex Tig Triger & Asma « Bee » Triger' then in the middle was written 'Siempre' and on the right was written. ' Jessica & Jax & Opie '

« Asma... » Stunned. Jessica was stunned. She knew how important tattoos were to Asma and learned the history of each and everyone she had on her skin. They were a commitment. To have your name written on someone else's skin was even more than an engagement ring. It was more than just a promise. It was akin to signing on the devil's contract. It bound you, for all eternity to the person whose name was on your skin. Jessica sat back on the mattress and ran her hand through her chocolate hair.

« You don't like it? It might be too much, I could have it removed it you... » peak tension was reached. Jessica's silence was read as rejection by Asma who had been wondering for months if she should or should not write down Jessica's name. Her hazel eyes shifted from left to right as she shakily searched for her t-shirt so she could put it back on and leave. « I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. »

« No, wait, please. » Jessica grabbed her arm, forcing the other woman to stop and look at her with fear in her eyes. « Don't be sorry, how could you be sorry for something this beautiful? » But Asma wasn't calmed down, instead she started to sob and shake her head. Jessica gently ran her hand through her curls and planted several kisses on top of her head. « I'm sorry if I made you think I hated it. It's the opposite Asma. It's the opposite. »

« You're not mad? » Jess shook her head and pulled her into a hug.

« Are you kidding? You've just told me the biggest 'I fucking love you' anyone could say...I mean, besides Jax, I mean.. »

« I got you. » She sniffled and chuckled. « You are my family, you and PiePie and Jax...I love you guys...more than I can actually say. I know, I know that there are many things you are not ready to share with me. I know Tig doesn't want me to fully be clued in because he's scared for me. I know....but that doesn't mean I can't love you. I...You know...I'm alive today because of you Jessica. Not because you saved me from Oscar but because you saved me when we met. Meeting you changed my life for the best... »

« Oh, Asma...You always had ways with words, you know that? » She said, rubbing Asma's back to help her feel better. « I love you too...More than I can say. You deserve the world, you deserve...so much more. » -Her voice was strangled by emotion but she managed to contain it for both her sake and Asma. Learning that the tattoo artist wasn't upset she didn't tell her the truth was a relief, she felt it in the way she was breathing. « Has Tig seen this yet or not? »

« He hasn't. I am waiting a little bit before I show it to him. It's... it's huge. »

« Are you proposing to him? » Jessica's eye sparkled with interest and curiosity. She did read it right, Asma did take Tig's name in a « husband and wife way » which could only mean she was ready to fully commit herself to this relationship. It was so huge that it felt like a brick house fell onto Jessica's shoulders and she was left speechless. Both were. Asma was sheepishly looking at Jess and twirled a curl with her forefinger for a while before she finally answered.

« Yes... »

« GIRL !!!!! » Jessica threw her hands in the air, the shock too intense to actually say anything constructive. She couldn't believe her ears, let alone her eyes.

« I KNOW!!!! » Asma answered, unable to proceed with anything she had in mind. « I KNOW.....oh fuck! » She dramatically fell onto the bed. « I said it out loud now... »

« YOU SAID IT !!! OH MY GOD !! »

« What now? »

What was to come? For the time being none of them knew what to say, so they remained silent and got distracted when Winston started to cry outside of the bedroom. Saved by the bell, oh wait, the Dog!

-TBC-