A vintage's touch: "Bad news."

 Polly tapped her fingers against the wooden table of her desk. She pursed her lips together and looked up at Mary who was knitting to calm her nerves. She seemed calm and truth be told, Polly thought she was radiant on that day. There was something relaxing about her, perhaps, the way she was carrying herself, the content smile on her lips. Polly chalked it up to the fact that Tommy finally claimed his feelings for her, she looked reassured. It took some years but finally, he put her worries away. Polly looked at Mary and then looked at the files before her. The older woman had already told Mary that they found her mother. After an intense investigation at Tommy's request, they managed to find Mary's mother, One Helen Bridge. Mary said she wasn't interested in knowing her mother or even knowing more about the circumstances of her birth and at the time, Polly respected her choice. Today, however, things are different. Mary's life had been threatened before she publicly became Tommy Shelby's new woman. With the focus on Tommy's ascension on the political landscape, there was a good chance that Mary would also be targeted. 

"Mary, we have to talk." -The nurse looked up to Polly and curbed a brow- "Don't give me that look. You know I don't like it when you're worried. I would have spared you the trouble and the stress but...It has to be said."

"I understand. You're looking out for me, Polls." Mary said, stopping mid-knit just so she could have a good look at the older woman.

"I am love. Do you remember a while ago I told you that we've found your mother. " -Mary pinched her lips together but before she could say anything Polly kept talking- "Helen Bridge. That is her name. She...She is currently active in the political sphere and has been getting closer to the far right."

"Why should I care about that woman? She's getting closer to the far-right, so what? Should I feel concerned because she's my mother?"

"No. I would never bother you with the information if it was just it.  Your mother has ambition and she wants to carve herself a place in the political landscape. She wants to marry the MP she's dating and she would want to cut all loose ties."

"Loose.... ties? Are you implying that I am..." -Polly nodded and Mary put her hands on her lap, now far more concerned by the conversation than she was before- "I see...So she wasn't just satisfied with abandoning me. She wants me dead so she can pretend she never had me."

"Or she can pretend that she could handle the scandal of your birth and take matters into her own hands."

 Polly's tone was apologetic, but deep down a deep-seated hatred was boiling. How could this woman not be satisfied enough with giving up on her child? Mary had suffered enough at the hands of the nurses and her first husband, why was her life in danger because she had survived? Helen Bridge never wanted to take accountability for her actions and even now, instead of getting closer to her daughter, she wanted to kill her.  There were women like Helen who were given the chance to keep their children and love them but Polly had her children taken away from her. Where was the justice? 

"This is not good news...." -Mary started- "I thought that I had seen the worst of it already and had already made my peace with the knowledge that my mother abandoned me. Now... Now you're telling me that my own mother is trying to kill me because I might be a liability for her political ascension?" Polly nodded and outstretched her hand so she could hold onto Mary's hand. Mary welcomed her hand and gently held onto it while her eyes started to fill with unshed tears. "What am I supposed to do? I already have peaky protection."

"Doubled. We also have to make sure that the safe house is ready in case of emergency trips there.  I have asked Tom to see to it. As for you, I know you don't like the idea of taking lives but you will have to learn how to use a gun."

"........." -Mary looked down at her hands. She still remembered the kind words  Tom said her hands were supposed to save lives not take them and yet, she had to kill in order to protect herself.  She sighed deeply and tucked some hair behind her ear.- "I will learn. I'll ask uncle Charlie. I'll make sure that we're ready just in case there is an attack carried out on me." She wiped out the tears that rolled down on her cheek before Polly sighed and gently squeezed Mary's hand.

"It's going to be alright. We'll deal with that woman. I'll talk to Tom about what we can do about her." -She sighed- "I'm sorry Mary."

"I know...."

-TBC-

A vintage's touch: "Polly worries."

Polly sighed and ran her fingers over the wooden table in her dining room. the spirits talked to her and warned her that the war between her son and her spiritual son was tearing her heart apart. Why did it come to this? To Michael and Tommy fighting over relevancy and power?  Why couldn't they get along together?  A powerful family bound by solid ties. They were supposed to love each other but instead, they chose to fight each other and she knew it, deep in her guts, that was going to be a fight to the death.

Polly sighed and wiped a tear that rolled on her cheek. She talked to Mary, hoping that she could listen to her pleas and grant her comfort. She needed to be comforted and Mary's nurturing nature was exactly what Polly needed right now. She just needed someone who would tell her that everything would be alright, even though both knew that they wouldn't be. Tommy and Michael were stubborn. Tommy and Michael were to fight each other.  Tommy and Michael were to kill one of them. Much to her dismay. 

A vintage's touch: Loving a shelby

"Loving a Shelby is not an easy feat." 

Sure sure, I have heard this song before. I have lived this story before. It's been a decade, Polly. If I didn't want this life, I would have left a while ago. I know the dangers. I know the pain that comes with loving a man like him. I'm not afraid, not for me. I am afraid for him, and Charlie, and the whole family. I'm afraid that something bad will happen to them, that Charlie will grow up without a father.... That I would lose one of you. I'm still reeling from John's death, you know? I'm still upset and worried for Arthur because he's gambling with his life.  I just want to have a life, just a life... with him. that's all I want. And trust me, Polly, He is who I want. You asked me once if I felt that I had the strength needed to be treated like a Shelby. I think I have proved to you enough that I definitely did.  

A vintage's touch: Rumours Rumours... - Tommy x Polly-

A vintage's touch: Rumours  Rumours... - Tommy x Polly-

// Just Tommy talking with Polly. They're discussing business, Michael but also Mary. 

xxxx

"Tommy...Tommy!...Tom!" -Polly's dry tone pulled Tommy Shelby out of his own brain. He was thinking, deeply thinking after an exchange he had with Alfie, a couple days before.  The Jewish gangster, while conducting business with Tommy, told him that a man was frequently visiting Mary at the Grace Institute. He described the man to Tommy and even told him that the streets said the stranger was also looking for Tommy, for business purposes.-

"Polly." -Tommy said her name, in order to give his brain some time to adjust to the present. She had noticed that her nephew was nervous, he was smoking cigarette after cigarette and was barely holding his anger in check. What could have possibly put him in such a mood? She puffed out some smoke and bent a little forward. Tommy's blue eyes looked down, where her elbows met the table and he narrowed his eyes.-

"You've said nothing ever since I set foot here. Nothing, except for my name. Talk to me."

"There's nothing to discuss right now." -She shrugged and shook her head- "Just... rumours I won't waste my time on."

"Are you sure?" -He didn't answer which made her lift a brow- "Just as I thought. You're going to mop around all day or you're going to tell me what this is about?" -She asked while inhaling some smoke.-

"There's a guy who's been visiting Mary more than once. I don't like it. I don't like it one bit. Rumours are saying that he's trying to woo her and she's way too oblivious to do it, she thinks he's a potential new donor. Rumour has it that he's also trying to do business with me."

"Yet, you seem more worried about him visiting Mary than about him wanting to conduct business with you. So which is truly on your mind?"

He looked at the woman with a light frown on his forehead. How could he tell her that he suspected her son, his cousin, Michael, to be doing something against him? It was no secret that Michael wanted to take Tommy's throne. He wanted to be the new King of Birmingham and wanted to be at the head of the Peaky Blinders... of the Family. Polly had warned her boys about a potential war between the two of them and had advised that they each went their separate ways. She agreed to help Tommy if Michael was to be sent to America. She wanted to protect her child, Tommy could understand that, and he was courteous enough to allow Michael his exile to the new world. However, Tommy knew he kept sending letters to his Mary and he didn't like it. 

Michael used to like Mary, that was a secret to no one. She never returned his feelings and what was genuine attraction turned into an obsession. Mary became a symbol. She became Tommy's weakness in the eyes of Michael and he wanted to take her from him. Mary never wrote back to him, but that didn't deter the young man from writing letters to her. He'd tell her about the things he knew about her, things he learned from his mother or, as Tommy suspected, from potential spies. Either way, he didn't confront Polly about it, because he knew she'd find all the excuses in the world for her boy.  Tommy's jaw clenched and he ground his teeth. Polly puffed out her smoke and pointed a cigarette at him. 

"I don't like the fact he's seeing Mary that much. He's not interested in investing money. Clearly. Besides, if he wanted to conduct business with me, he knows where to find me."

"Do you have a name?" -Polly asked, an eyebrow lifted as she was probing her nephew with questions. She knew he would not tell her everything that was crossing his mind, but she also knew that he would want to alleviate his mind. Of course, he knew, Tommy knew everything that came and went in Birmingham. He would know the name of the man who was looking for his girl and who was stalking her -let's, not mince words here- The Shelby rubbed his chin and groaned lowly. 

"Archibald Worthington III. He has a fucking pompous name! he's British but he travels to the USA. I'm still looking into him because I refuse to believe that it's a coincidence that he goes around to Mary and wants to meet me at the same time! It sounds like a trap!"

"Do you honestly think that this is a plot against you?" -Polly lifted a brow- "Come on. Can't you believe that he wants to do business with you and he met Mary and fell for her?" -Tommy scoffed and rubbed his forehead- 

"He goes to the USA!  Polly! He's turning around Mary! I can't believe that it's not your son's doing!" he accused, waging his finger at the older woman. Polly gasped and inhaled some smoke. She was pissed off by the accusation, hurt that he brought it up again and accused her son to conspire against him again.-

"You're paranoid! Tommy! Michael is thriving in the USA! He is married and they're trying to have a child! Why do you think he's going to ruin your life? Do you think he's going to ruin your life when you're the one ruining your life???" She accused, her tone was dry and that ruffled his feathers. He stood up, hit the table with the palm of his hands and waged his finger at her. 

"I know what I'm doing! Polly! You can't fucking look at me and tell me that your son is not trying to steal my spot! He wants to be the king! He has always wanted to have what I have, to be who I am but he never will be! Mary is mine! Mary's fucking MINE!"

"Then GO CLAIM HER!" She yelled, running her hand through her hair. "How can you look at me and accuse my son of doing something he has no interest in? How can you look me in the eye and insult my son in front of me??? You're insulting me! You keep telling me that you don't care about Mary, that I'm wrong and that I didn't clock you from the moment you set your eyes on her! You pretend you're not into her and yet you're losing your mind because someone is trying to woo your girl!" -Tommy shut down again, his eyes wide open, staring at the woman before him with fury in his heart-

She was right. He was even more upset about the fact this stranger was stalking Mary than the fact he wanted to do business with him. He didn't like the idea that the young woman was vulnerable and it irritated him even more to learn that he was trying to seduce her. It was fear lingering at the back of his head, that someone would come and sweep her off of her feet. He didn't want her to meet with someone who could give her all the right things, all the things he couldn't give her. he looked at Polly who was defiantly staring at him. He was fuming, and blood was flooding his cheeks, but he grabbed a cigarette instead and lit it.

"I don't want to have an argument with you Polly. I don't want to insult you. I just don't like when new players come and try to take away what I've built so hard. I don't like this Archie guy and I don't feel good to know that he's visiting Mary. She's naive, she would not see him coming. If he wants to meet me, then so will he. I'll arrange for a meeting."

"Point taken." -Polly didn't forgive him but she decided to move forward. She resumed smoking her cigarette. She pointed her finger at him and nodded quietly.- "However, Tommy. If you want to make a move, you better make it fast. Mary might be naive, she also needs to know where you stand with her. She won't wait for you forever." She said, pinching the bridge of her nose. "I'll have our people keep an eye on this Archibald. Perhaps he has another motive and perhaps he might become an enemy of the family."

"Thank you, Polly."

"Don't mention it, Tom." 

-TBC-

A vintage's touch: Michael's obsession

 // A little moment between Polly and Mary. 

xxxxx

Polly lit a cigarette. She wasn't feeling comfortable in front of Mary and didn't know how to start the conversation. She was the one who went to visit the Grace Shelby institute, in hopes of sharing a moment with the young woman but upon walking into Mary's office, strength suddenly left her legs. She was worried about her son's obsession with Mary and wanted to discuss the infamous rivalry between Tommy and Michael. It wasn't too late to look forward to a truce between the two men. it wasn't late, was it? The Gypsy princess took a deep breath and walked towards the window of Mary's office. Polly was waiting for her to return from a meeting with the head nurse of the Institute and had been smoking cigarette after cigarette until the young woman came back.  She closed both eyes and leaned her head against the window when the noise of a door being opened forced her to turn around and look at Mary. 

"You're finally here!"

"I apologize for my lateness. We had to review adoption papers for a couple of our children. I'm here now, Polly." -Her green eyes set upon the woman who fully turned around and pinched the bridge of her nose- "Polls... Have a seat, you look pale."

"I'm alright. I'm alright, Mary." -Polly said, her blue eyes set upon the young woman. She was pale indeed. Pale and stressed out but she still wanted to keep a cool demeanor and pretend that she had everything under control. She inhaled some smoke and puffed it out. The endearing nickname the young woman gave her a faint smile "Mary, I'm going to ask you something, I need you to be honest with me."

Mary didn't really believe Polly. She knew the woman enough to realize that something was up. She couldn't quite put her finger on it, but since the business was going well, the only reason that could put Polly in such a panicked mood was her son. Did something happen to Michael? Did someone kill the man? Was he in danger? Questions started to fill her mind as Mary walked closer to Mary and gently wrapped her arms around the older woman to give her a hug. Polly closed her eyes and wrapped her arms around the chubby young woman. 

"I will.  Ask me anything you want." -She said, tucking some hair behind her ear-

Polly pinched her lips together and averted her blue eyes from Mary's face to her soft smile. She sat on the chair and slowly fidgeted with her cigarette. The nurse had never seen the woman be so nervous. She could see that Polly was trying to find the right words to say but she couldn't, so Mary put her hand on the older woman's knee and gave her an encouraging smile. Polly nodded and took a deep breath before she finally asked. 

"Michael....Do you still hear from him?"

"I haven't heard from him for months now, Polls. Why are you asking? Did something happen?"

"No... No... Michael is alive." -She pinched her lips together and inhaled some smoke.- "I just wanted to be sure that he wasn't writing to you. He tends to be.... stubborn." -She chose her words carefully, not willing to start an argument with Mary. The young woman remained silent for a minute. She looked at Polly and furrowed her brows at the mention of Michael's letters.-

"Stubborn...Yes." -She crossed her legs and slowly started to tap onto her knee.- "He hasn't written to me for months. Besides, if he really did, Tommy would know, wouldn't he?" 

Polly nodded, Tommy would have known. He knew everything from the conversations people had in Birmingham to the content of letters people sent or received. He knew everything. He even knew that Mary had not written back to Michael. Polly knew that her son was still writing to Mary, but she also knew that Tommy being silent about it wasn't exactly good news. The Gypsy princess wanted her son to survive, but she also didn't want Tommy to die. She was put in a very tight spot, which led her to shake uncontrollably. 

"I just want-- I just need Michael to move on, you know? I've talked to him already, and I've advised him to stop writing to you."

"And did he listen? uh? He didn't. He never does, Polls." -Mary's tongue was harsh, she furrowed her brows and closed her legs. -" Let's not beat around the bush shall we? You and I both know Michael used to be infatuated with me, years ago."

"Mary... there's..." -But Mary shook her forefinger and tilted her head to the side. Her face had lost its warmth and she was tense. Mary's face was closed off, cold, and focused. She had been avoiding the topic for far too long now.-

"No, we have to talk about it Polls! I... I used to be something he wanted to have. He came at me and tried to win me over but it didn't work. I expected the letters to stop coming once he met Gina but they didn't. He kept writing to me and I didn't know why. I thought he was obsessed with me, but soon enough, I realized that he didn't... I realized that it wasn't me he was obsessed with, it was Tommy." -She furrowed her brows and set her bright green gaze upon the older woman- "He is obsessed with Tommy. This is the truth, the only truth."

"He.... oh my god! Mary, I can't sleep. I was afraid that Michael would eventually try to reach out to you in order to get back at Tommy." -She sighed and took another puff of her cigarette.- "I didn't know how you'd feel about it. Tommy and Michael are at.... odds with each other." -She chose her words carefully, unwilling to talk about what she saw in her dreams and in the cards. Mary wasn't aware of her vision, but she knew that the two men weren't on good terms.-

"Polls... listen...I only wrote to Michael once, right after he settled in America. I wished him well, and good luck with his endeavors there. Since then, I didn't write to Michael because I knew what that could become.  He knows I'm living with Tommy. He's warned me more than once about Tom's unavailability. He told me that I would be unhappy around Tommy because he would never let me in.  Still, I didn't write back to him." -She sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose.- "He's not right, though. Tommy isn't....He won't let me in. No matter what I do, he won't let me in."

Polly sighed and as she blew her smoke away, the brunette felt her body relax a little bit. Mary, even now as they were discussing her relationship with Tommy, still believed that he had no feelings for her. Polly had already tried to convince the young woman of Tommy's affection, but it didn't go through her thick skull. Could she blame the girl? Could she really blame Mary for doubting her? Tommy loved Mary, Polly could tell, but there was something stopping each other from making the first move and confessing their feelings to the other. Perhaps, given the particular situation they were in, Polly was relieved that Tommy wasn't open about his feelings. She stared at the young woman, fidgeting with her cigarette as wild thoughts crossed her mind. 

She'd need to talk to her son, to make sure that he would definitely move on from Mary. She'd advise him to stop writing to her, for his own protection but also for hers. She'd try to make sure that Tommy and Mary, since they're stubbobrn and unwilling to give into the other, would not become an item. It hurt her because she wanted Mary to be happy and to finally embrace her new life with Tommy but she needed her son to be alive, so.... so....she simply looked at her and put her fingers on her chin and lips. Polly decided not to reply to her, mostly because the conversation would become moot, instead, she resumed smoking. 

-TBC-

A vintage's touch: Lizzi's despair

A vintage touch: Lizzi's despair

// A follow-up to the slap she gave Mary. It's a conversation between Polly and Lizzie, and before Tommy got a chance to lecture Lizzie.

xxxx

"Here, have a smoke." -Polly pushed her pack of cigarettes towards Lizzie. The brunette looked at it and swallowed a lump- "I wasn't asking, Lizzie. Have. A. Smoke!" -Polly repeated, which prompted the young woman to grab the pack and pull one cigarette from it-

It felt like a dream. Lizzie remembered going to Arrow House in hopes to find Tommy and argue with him. She remembered how upset she was that he told her to move on from their relationship. Upon arrival, she saw Mary who invited her inside to wait for Tommy.  They talked, mostly because Mary was willing to engage in a conversation with Lizzie. They talked and before Lizzie could stop herself, she slapped Mary so hard that her nose started to bleed. 

"Polly... Tom's gonna kill me if he learns--" -Lizzie was cut short by the older woman-

"/When/ he learns. Trust me, he would know." -Polly grabbed a cigarette and lit it with her lighter- "What went through your head that day?"

"I was angry, Polly. I wanted to hurt Tommy." -She drew some smoke in "I wanted to scream at him for what he told me. He made me feel as if I was still a prostitute as if what we'd been doing together, was nothing but a transaction. He isn't paying me anymore, and I was there when he needed someone. /I/ was there!" -she said, blowing her smoke away and hitting her chest-

Polly pinched the bridge of her nose and walked to the window of her office. She couldn't look Lizzie in the eye, mostly because she was angry herself. The older woman could picture the scene, a shocked Mary, with blood running down her nose. A shocked Lizzie, with her hand red from the slap she'd just given. It was a mess. Besides, Polly knew that Mary would be triggered by the slap. She'd been abused most of her life, by the nuns who raised her, and by the husband who manipulated her. She had been hit and assaulted most of her life so from the moment it had stopped, Mary had wished to have a quiet life.

"You silly girl!!!!" -Polly groaned and inhaled some smoke.- " You got angry because Mary has something you will never have. You hurt Mary. You hurt Mary in /her/ house. In Tommy's house!"

"He will not forgive me. I know... I know Polly. He will come and try to kill me."

"Don't be so dramatic. Tommy might be impulsive but he's not short-sighted. He won't kill you. He will lecture you, yes, but he won't kill you. Naturally, you're aware that you're not welcomed anymore at Arrow House."

At that Lizzie just quietly nodded. She lowered her face to look at her shaking knees. She inhaled some smoke and pinched the bridge of her nose again. She was terrified of Tommy's reaction. She had been lectured before and it still stung. her heart was broken by Tommy's callousness and the distance he put between the two of them. She knew, yes, deep down Lizzie knew that Tommy had never been in love with her. He was in love with Grace but he was at best, a friend of Lizzie. At best.  She owed Tommy her new life. She owed him her new job and the fact she was now a proper woman but it was the best he could give her. His heart, and his mind, both were locked in a safe she didn't have the code for. 

Polly blew some smoke away and sat back on her chair. She started to tap her fingers against the table of her office and pointed her forefinger at Lizzie. She had to intervene. Come to think of it, she had to talk to Tommy before he talked to Lizzie. Polly knew how much he cared for Mary and if she wanted to, Lady Gray would have spelled out loud to the Head of the Shelby family that he was in love and should act on it. Lizzie blew some smoke away and pinched her lips together in order to mask her growing anxiety. 

"You, my dear, you're going to work on your apology. Tommy should be assured that you will leave him and Mary alone."

"But... my feelings, Polly?" -She begged, holding onto her chest and pulling at her dress. The older woman shook her head and put her forefinger against her lips- "Poll--"

"/Gone/. Your feelings are gone, Lizzie. From now on, you're not in love with Tommy Shelby. You will move on from these feelings. He is in love with Mary, I know it, You know it, Hell! Everybody knows it.  Since you claim to be in love with Tommy, then you shall let him be happy. Move on."

Lizzie couldn't stop crying. She put her free hand over her face and silently sobbed. Her heart was in shambles, mostly because she knew that Polly was telling the truth. The older woman knew the matters of the heart, so whatever she said was true. Tommy wasn't in love with Lizzie and he would never be. She hurt the woman he loved and deep down Lizzie knew that Tommy would be fuming upon learning what happened. He would be furious, disappointed and she was dreading the moment he would talk to her. Her only solace was that Tommy would first take care of Mary and she wouldn't hear from him until maybe tomorrow.  

Polly sighed and drew in some smoke. Seeing Lizzie like this was sad. Lizzie was a friend of the Shelby family, she was loyal and she was a nice girl. Her outburst was something Polly considered to be out-of-character for Lizzie, a testament to the intense feelings she had for the man. It was sad, they were sad. Lizzie felt some unrequited love for Tommy who despite his love for Mary, wasn't able to commit. Mary was holding onto the hope that Tommy felt the same feelings for her, but was growing frustrated to be in limbo. So, she was slapped, Lizzie was upset and Tommy was furious. Sad... 

It was sad.

Vintage touch: Secret Desires

Vintage touch: Secret Desires

// Conversation between Polly and Mary that doesn't resolve around Tommy. However, Polly has several questions regarding Mary, her desires, the type of life she wants to lead, motherhood, and perhaps also the way society would look at her (and Tommy). 

xxxxx

Polly visited Mary early today. She needed to spend some time with the young woman and see if she needed some help with the Grace Shelby Institute. Mary enjoyed her work as the Head Nun and spent a lot of time ensuring the children (and also the staff) had everything they needed. She made sure to remember the names of the children and to help the nuns prepare for special events -such as museums visits or any other cultural activities, or preparing birthday parties so the children could feel special on that day and associate good memories rather than the fact they were abandoned by their parents the day they were born-. She loved her new job and even took the time to sing to the orphans when she was done with administrative duties. It was good to see and Polly enjoyed sharing a meal with her. Usually, it was Mary who left the orphanage, so she could take a walk and spend lunch at Tommy's office but from time to time, Polly liked to be the one to leave the office and visit the orphanage. Today was such a day. 

As a matter of fact, it also was an excuse she found because she wanted to ask Mary questions about her future. It was obvious to the cunning Polly that something had happened between Tommy and Mary. They had sex! It was obvious given the way they behaved around one another. It was obvious to Polly that they had crossed the line and given into each other and it was obvious that it was the reason that led Lizzie to lose her mind and slap Mary a couple days ago. Polly didn't mention the slap to Mary, mostly because she didn't want to embarrass her and didn't think it was the right moment to bring that up. However, she was seething with anger towards Lizzie for hitting Mary, out of spite and jealousy. It was obvious that Lizzie had realized that she would never get rid of the woman because Tommy got her under his skin. Tommy chose her for reasons that were out of reach for the Stark woman, but it was the reality of the situation. Tommy chose Mary and nobody could or should try to hurt her unless they wanted Tommy to tear a new hole into their bodies. 

"I've got a question for you, Mary." -She lifted a brow as Mary looked up at her. "Several... questions."

"It's lunch. I have time. Go ahead, Polls...What is it that you want to know?"

"Have you ever tried to find your birth mother?" -The question made the young woman blink and she leaned into her seat. Her birth mother? The woman who had left her in the orphanage? Why would she try to find her? what would she tell her 30 years later? Her eyes grew wide and she moistened her lips. Her throat was too dry to speak, so Mary shook her head- "No? not even once?"

"I-- Have wondered for years why she left me behind. The nurses told me the truth. She was a rich white girl who got pregnant by a black man. I was a disgrace. It was a shameful act to hide. Once I was old enough to really understand what those words meant, I stopped trying to look out for her. She left me, not because she was too young to be with a child, or because she wasn't married when she got pregnant. It was because of my blood. My father's blood." -She took a deep breath and looked up to the ceiling.- "You are my mom, Polls...the closest I would ever have... I don't want to know who the woman who gave me birth is! I don't give a fuck about her. I give a fuck about you." -Her voice broke at this instant as emotions overwhelmed her.-

Polly listened to her, her blue eyes slowly wet from the tears she refused to share. It was heartbreaking, to see Mary so vulnerable, yet so honest with her. She had every right to not want to know who her birth mother was and Polly would have been fine with this answer if the existence of that woman wouldn't become a problem down the road. Tommy researched Mary's past and was unknown to her, he also had her followed by Peaky boys, so she wouldn't get kidnapped or hurt by anyone when he wasn't around. He knew Mary wouldn't like that protection, because she would feel trapped, but he didn't want to take any chance of her being hurt because she was seeing him. 

Tommy searched Mary's past and was able to discover the truth about her birth. He had everything in a file and shared some of the information he gathered with Polly. She would have kept her mouth shut if concerning news hadn't come. A couple of weeks ago, the Peaky boys who protected Mary found two suspicious men who had been following Mary. After a beat-up, the men revealed that they didn't want to hurt Mary but wanted to know what her life was on behalf of her mother. After some rough interrogation, it became clear that Mary's biological mother sent them after her to locate Mary and investigate her to report on their employer. The Peaky summoned Arthur who requested the men to be locked in a warehouse and fetch Tommy so he could decide what to do with these people. 

Once it was established that they weren't dangerous and were indeed just detectives, Tommy decided to give them an ultimatum: Either they cooperated and do everything Tommy ordered them to do, or they die for defiance. They chose to cooperate and revealed that Mary's mother was trying to gather as much information as she could on Mary, so she could avoid a scandal. She came from a prestigious family and because she was set up to marry for the second time-a prominent political figure, an MP sharing the meeting room with Tommy Shelby- she had to make sure she had no skeleton left in her closet. Her first daughter had to be found. What Tommy understood, however, was that down the line, this woman might actually try to hurt her daughter to protect her second wedding. He offered the men to stop investigating Mary and to work for him instead and gather as much information as they could about her mother. 

"What if... What if I told you that we know who she is and we know she's alive and lives in London?"

"I don't want to know, Polls. What good would that do to me?? SHe left me behind because she wanted a cozy life unburdened by a child of color. I am a black child after all. How could she possibly welcome me? eh? How could she? I have nothing to say to her, nothing because she's not my mother. You are... /you/ Polls... You are the closest of a mother I'll ever have. So please... please... Don't talk to me about her. I don't wanna know." -She wiped some tears and tapped her fingers on the table. 

Polly was moved and relieved that Mary didn't want to know the truth about her mother. Regardless of what that woman might want to do in the future, as long as she doesn't build a rapport with her daughter, it was a difficulty they wouldn't have to deal with in the future. Polly wiped her tears and gave a warm smile to the young woman. She outstretched her arm to grab her hand and stroke it with her thumb. Mary tried to calm down, but she only managed to cry some more. Fuck those tears! where did they come from? It bothered Mary to be crying at lunch, right after they had one of the biggest laughter together. She rolled her eyes and squeezed Polly's hand a little tighter. 

"You said you had several questions... Please, go ahead and ask them." -She begged, refusing to stay in the conversation about her birth mother. Polly got herself together and straightened on her chair.-

"Yes! I. I actually wanted to know... I just..." -She paused- "You are 30, right, Mary? This is very young. Your life has just begun. I know you.."

"I've never seen you hesitate before you ask me a question. It must be something /really/ difficult to get off of your chest." -Intrigued Mary bent a little forward and planted her fork onto her meal.- "So. I'm young, eh? I have my life in front of me, eh? So what... you want to know if I'm ready to get married? Have kids?"

"Smart girl, yes. that was the question I wanted to ask. It's... a big one! You don't have to answer, but I had to ask it. See how you saw your future."

"I'm afraid, Polly. I'm afraid to trust someone to the point of giving them my heart. Carter was an old bastard. He saw the child I was and he decided to abuse my trust before he abused my body.  I married a monster, but you know what that means, don't you?" -Polly nodded and squeezed Mary's hand harder- "I don't know if I could become a good mom. My little Paul... he died because of me...I know he did. So..I-I don't know if I would be a good mom.."

"You are going to be a wonderful mom. Look at how you're taking care of all those orphans and of Charlie. You are a good mom. And by the sound of your voice, I can tell that you want to have another child. You want to try it again." -She smiled at Mary who shrugged and put her fork down.- "What are you afraid of? The father of your kids?"

"Polly...If I were to have a child, I would be married first. I would be married to a man who loves me and who isn't afraid to show it to me. I would trust him with my whole life and I would proudly carry his child. What bothers me, is that, if the father is not a black man.." -She carefully picked her words- "Then he would have to suffer from being ridiculed because he chose me. I can't... become a burden for him."

"Listen to me carefully. Mary, If I am your mother, then You are my daughter! I will never allow anyone to disrespect you. I will never accept to hear, or see any discrimination against you. I will never let them hurt you because of the color of your skin, the features you have, or whatever bullshit they can target you with. You are part of this family. Regardless of what you decide to do, or who you decide to marry, you will always have a home here, with us. With me!" -Mary's eyes grew wide and she covered her mouth with her warm palm so she could sob into it. Her eyes quickly filled with tears she let roll down her cheeks.- "I understand that you actually want a family. You want to get married. You want to have children. You want a second chance at life, don't you?" - Mary nodded and moistened her lips.- "Then you will bloody have it! You will! Don't even think you won't!"

"Polls... I don't... I mean...You really woke up early and chose violence as I see." -She tried to lighten up the mood but it barely worked. instead, the young woman was left wiping the tears off of her face.- "How long have you been thinking about it?"

"Long enough. I just needed to make sure that you were not sacrificing anything to make other people happy. It's good to remind ourselves about our goals."

"I am not... I am not doing that." She blushed and moistened her lips. Mary could tell that Polly was walking on eggs. She didn't want to mention Tommy, not when Mary was upset like that. However, she clearly understood that Polly wanted to know if she wanted to build a life with Tommy and what kind of life she wanted for them.- "I do want the happiness of my future spouse, and mine. He can do whatever he wants to do, who am I to judge, eh? However, I hope he would be faithful to me. I hope, he would think about me when I am not here. I hope.. he would give me his heart to keep just like I would give him my heart to keep. I just want to be loved, Polls... is it asking too much?" -She asked, wiping fresh tears off of her face and sitting straighter on her chair. 

"No. It's understandable. You say that your future husband could do whatever he wants to. Are you sure you're ready to commit to these words? Today, everybody is a whore, a gangster, a killer. Fucking businessmen are killers, and MPs are killers.. everyone has blood on their hands. Today it's all about killing first or being the one killed. Your hands are clean."

"But they can get soaked with blood if the need arises. Don't think for a second, that I would not be able to kill a man if that means I can protect myself or my loved ones. I am not as helpless as I used to be. I learned how to use a gun, and how to use a blade. I learned since the last time I was attacked."

"I know. It's good to hear." Polly rubbed her hands together before she grabbed her bag and took a cigarette from it. She lit it up and inhaled some smoke. "Come on, Dry your tears, Mary! I hate when you cry, you're going to make me cry too." -She complained before she released Mary's hand and wiped the tears that had run onto her cheeks.- "Lizzie... she shouldn't have done what she did to you. She knows it, we know it, apologized and Tommy handled her. She'll stay around, she's a trusted secretary. Are you okay with seeing her?"

"Lizzie... Well... to answer you, I am okay with it. I don't mind Lizzie. She is in love with Tommy. I can understand the passion and I know that to her, I'm a stranger who stole her life. I pity her, Really... She is looking at the wrong person. She's looking for a Tommy who doesn't exist."

Polly took a minute to consider the words Mary said.  She was right, essentially right in the fact that Lizzie didn't see Tommy for who he really was. She projected her desires onto him, her desire for a clean slate and a better life. Her desire for having someone who knew her and accepted all of her. She wished Tommy cared for her, at a deeper level like he cared for Grace but he only had empathy and compassion for Lizzie. friendship at the very best, but definitely not love. Mary had a speech that Polly had not heard from others. She encouraged her to keep talking, blowing the smoke out before she took another puff. 

"And who is Tommy, Mary? Do you know who he is?"

"No. I don't. Tommy is like a black stallion, Polls. He can't be tamed, and shouldn't be. Black stallions thrive best when they are free. I might not have been on the battlefield, but I do know what it is to have flashbacks of traumatic events hit back at you as if you were living the moment again... and again.. and again.  I do know how it feels to be trapped, to live in a world that hates your guts and wants to see you dead. Tommy...is complex to grasp, not complicated, just complex because he doesn't give the keys to understand him fully. He still protects himself because I assume, he doesn't want to suffer anymore. He wants to be in control of everything. He wants to be the man on top so he wouldn't be the soldier at the bottom anymore. but what I see, when I look into his eyes at night. What I see is a broken man. What I see, is a man in pain. A soul looking for comfort. For peace. for reassurance.  Just like Black stallions, and horses in general, he can't be alone, Polls. He can't be alone. He needs you. He needs his brothers. He needs his family. He needs you. He needs love. I might not have a lot to give, but as long as I live in his house, I will give both Charlie and him all the love in the world." -She blushed and bit her bottom lip. She wasn't upset anymore and didn't realize the full impact of her words on Polly nor what it revealed to the older woman. -

"I see. You really spent time studying Tommy." -Polly chuckled a little, moved by the words the young woman just said to her. Mary loved Tommy. It was plain as day. Of course, she loved that man.- "I guess that I have all the answers I was looking for. For now. Maybe we should be moving forward and focusing on something else instead? Something a little more pleasant to talk about?"

"Yeah?"

"Yeah... Let me know, what exactly do you have planned for the children for summer."

And Mary started to tell her about what she had decided to do for the kids. It helped warm up the atmosphere and they relaxed against their chairs. Mary was happy that Polly asked her questions about how she felt about Tommy and about what could make her comfortable. Polly was perhaps, one of the very few women who actually cared about her. She had a family. She /WAS/ family. Polly really wanted to make her realize just how important she was for the family and not just because of Tommy. She established actual connections with all of them and it couldn't be brushed under the rug to simply focus on Tommy. She was family and it was damn time that she saw the truth as it was. 

-TBC-

A vintage's touch: Polly's musing

A vintage touch:  Polly's musing

 // Writing to this music:  The End of the World - YouTube* Mary is thinking about how Tommy doesn't have the support he needs. 

xxxx

War had torn the country in more ways than others. It wasn't just the number of men who didn't come back from the war, it also was the number who came back, changed. Tommy was one of them. A man who was said to be sweet and romantic before he had to go to France. War changed him and after the horrors, he experienced there, he came back a daredevil. He came back with a devouring ambition, with trauma, with a thick skin and high walls that would shield his heart and mind forever. He came back with the desire to protect his family, to go as far as he could, and climb up the ladder of society until he came on top of it. He came back with a death-seeking wish nothing and no one could ever grant him. Tommy simply wouldn't die, no matter how hard he was trying to. So he decided to move forward, to go as far as he could in his pursuit of everything. War had broken this man who could only thrive when he kept going at war against others, including himself.  Even today, He was restless, confused, and probably on edge because once again, there was some new light in his life.  Her name was Mary Colson.

Grace brought some light into his darkness. She pieced the man back together and gave him some of his humanity back. Suddenly, there was softness. Suddenly, there was a gut-wrenching desire to pursue happiness otherwise than with substance abuse, war, meaningless sex, and turf wars. there was something else those hands of his could do than destroy. He could build a life for himself again. He could seek happiness. He could try. He did try! But no matter how much he wanted it, Tommy simply couldn't be that man. He couldn't be the man who left for France during the First World War. He couldn't have enough of a simple life anymore. He needed more and Grace wouldn't have understood it along the way. Grace, like most people, would want a quiet life. She would want domestic bliss. She would want Tommy to be a man he wasn't anymore and couldn't be again. How could he? when his mind was broken? That was the million dollars question nobody could answer. 

The war had torn apart the whole country, for those who didn't die on the battlefield came back traumatized. That was something Mary understood. She understood the pain one felt when one had lost a part of themselves. She understood the emptiness and the despair that choked them up until they do something to change it. She recognized the signs in Tommy's eyes, the signs of a man who had lost everything, even his own will to live, and was just dead-walking. She was dead-walking too when she pushed the door of the Garrison Pub all those years ago. She was dead-walking too, trying to survive a country that wasn't kind to her kin. A country that didn't care about women who could either be raped, beaten up, or killed and sometimes the three at the same time. It was a country that didn't give her a single chance, and this, as soon as she was born. Yet, despite her misfortunes, Mary was still living. Mary was still moving forward and she was still able to enjoy life for all the little pleasures it could give her. She found a family with the Shelbys, a clan with the Peaky Blinders, and connections that would ensure she would never be alone. Wasn't it the greatest revenge of them all? To be alive? To be loved? 

Polly believed that Mary was actually what Tommy needed. She was compassionate and empathetic and she understood him in ways others couldn't. She understood that he needed someone with him, someone who could see right through the smoke. She could see Tommy, just like anybody else, needed a shoulder to lean on from time to time. He needed a presence, he needed comfort, he needed someone who wouldn't judge him or his bad deeds. He needed someone true, and authentic and Mary was this. She knew he wasn't a good man, she knew he was in fact, a man who did bad things and who would never stop being a gangster. He was an ambitious man, whose passion was devouring him from the inside. He was a traumatized soldier, who needed someone to understand his pain. He needed someone who would comfort him, make the noise stop, make the nightmares stop, make his shaking hands stop, not by ignoring them, but by acknowledging them. 

Mary could. Polly was certain of that. Mary understood what that was, to grow up in a world that didn't want her. She experienced horrors throughout her childhood, yet, still managed to have a good heart. A heart that wasn't tainted by hardships, despair, or desolation. A rare thing, a precious thing. Tommy could use the company of someone who wasn't jaded by life just yet. He could benefit from it, he could perhaps, smile again or dance again, things that he had lost since Grace's death. Mary knew what Tommy was, and the true nature of his business. She knew he was a bad man and she still stayed with him, fully aware of the sins of that man... Of the sins of that family. She still stayed. She still cared for all of them but wasn't ready to admit to herself that she wanted a life with Tommy. She wanted to become officially HIS, to become Mrs. Shelby. She had her reasons and Polly couldn't blame her for being wary about marriage. After all, she was a very young widow. One who was married way too young to a man way older than she was. After all, she had a child who didn't survive the first 30 minutes after his birth. She realized her husband had lied to her and was genuinely just using her to pass his frustrations on. And he had the nerves to be murdered too, adding to her trauma. Could Polly really blame the girl for wanting to feel reassured? No. No, she couldn't. 

She couldn't even promise her that Tommy wouldn't try to kill himself again, nor that he wouldn't piss off the wrong enemy, the one who would best him in everything. Polly couldn't even tell Mary not to worry because living with the Shelbys, and marrying into the family, meant that troubles would find you no matter what or how. Tommy was trouble. Tommy was the embodiment of Danger. He would seek a new enemy to go to war against. He would seek release in alcoholic stupors or on drugs. He would seek comfort in her arms and perhaps, open up to Mary like he so desperately needed to. Polly couldn't promise a quiet life to that quiet woman. She could, however, ensure her that Tommy did love her. Polly was fantastic at sensing things and she could feel the feelings her nephew had buried deep inside his heart and refused to let out. Love. Tommy loved Mary and Mary loved Tommy. yet, Tommy wasn't ready. He was still reeling about the death of his first wife. He was still paranoid, still worried that something could happen to Mary because of him. Believe it or not, Tommy carried the weight of the deaths he caused on his shoulders. It affected him all the same, if not more when it was family. SO imagine losing Mary? He would lose the last of his sanity if she died.

So, the Black Stallion was afraid. Fair enough. She couldn't blame Tommy to feel that way. But what about Mary? The poor girl needed to be loved. She had been rejected so many times by so many people. She had been used and abused and while she finally took matters into her hands, and chose /her/ people, she deserved to feel safe. She deserved to feel loved. She deserved a second chance at happiness. A husband, perhaps children..her own house...Something, anything that could make her feel that she belonged somewhere and that people would be waiting for her to come home. Polly wasn't defeated just yet, but she knew, oh she knew that if her nephew and her favorite girl were to get together, they would have to face the enemies of this union. She would have to face people who would be against them being together or even worse. Some might try to go against either of them to get to the other. Polly knew she could see it in the future. Her tarot warned her about future conflicts and an invisible danger that was looming over the family. Yet, it had to happen. They had to be together, Polly would see to it. 

-TBC-

pb: girls lunch talk

Vintage Touch (PB): girls' lunch talk

// Had to have these two talk together. :) 

"Mary, have a seat." 

Polly's assertive voice compelled Mary to obey and sit in front of the woman. She was wearing a lovely yellow cotton summer dress that barely hid her generous curves. Her hair was let down, teasing her shoulder blades, and parted on the side.  Her work at the orphanage became extremely difficult for they welcomed a black newborn boy. Holding onto the child had caused Mary a PTSD episode, which sent her on a drinking spiral and forced her to remain home until she had fully recovered. Tommy wasn't home, too busy working on his political career but he had been made aware by Polly of the situation and she took it upon her to help Mary feel better. Ada confided in Polly about her concerns for Mary. She had to return to her son, which meant they would not see each other for a while, but Polly knew that anything Ada said, was important. 

It took a while for Ada to actually meet and bond with Mary. At the time, she had other concerns in her mind and didn't really pay attention to the new singer of the Pub. Yet, one night, after she suffered a cold that needed someone to tend to her sickness, Mary had been there and the two women started to talk. Mary laughed with her, sang to her and she did an outstanding job as a nurse, so much so that Ada recovered faster than expected. She was very straightforward and sarcastic with Mary, which could take sarcasm and banters really well. She also noticed her attraction to Tommy and after she'd warned the young woman about her older brother's cold and rough exterior and how he could make her suffer, the resilience and kindness of Mary mellowed Ada who instead, decided to speak to her brother and ask him not to break Mary's heart. 

"Polls... I'm fine. I can stay on my two feet." -Mary replied, shrugging off the older woman's offer to sit down-

"I didn't suggest. I commanded you to take a seat." -Polly said, pulling the chair towards Mary so she could sit down on it before she walked around the table and sat on her chair. She pulled a cigarette out of her cigarette box and lit it in one swift motion- "You can be stubborn."

"Not as stubborn as you, Miss Gray. You /are/ the definition of stubborn." -She replied with a soft smile-

"You look like crap!" -Polly replied, exhaling smoke before she leaned into her seat.- "I asked you to come here because I had to see you. It's too easy to lock yourself up in your country castle and.." -She seized her up, looking up and down at Mary.- "Letting yourself go."

"I let myself go? Ah! Polls! Listen to you speak! /I/ let myself go?" -She was piqued and her cheeks turned red, much to Polly's delight. She blew another smoke on the side before she put her free hand on the table of her desk.-

"Yes, you do. I am not just concerned about your looks. I am concerned about your mind. How are you doing?"

Mary pinched her lips together and crossed her arms above her chest. Polly was looking at her like a mother hen at her chick. She cared for Mary and wanted to take her out of this funk by having a nice conversation with her. Mary was probably the only person who could get away with calling Polly Polls. She was the only one who would be able to hug Polly and get away with it. It was something about her that caught the older woman's interest from the moment they first met. She noticed the kindness in her eyes, noticed the pain that she hid behind. Despite the horrors she'd witnessed and experienced, the young woman had always been a very optimistic and kind person. She never judged the Peaky blinders, never betrayed them, never tried to interfere in the business or change them. John thought she could be useful, especially if she kept the business clean by singing and attracting patrons to the pub. John also realized that she had quite a few good ideas and while he didn't want to bring her into the business, so she wouldn't be too much involved in it, he still got some good pieces of advice from her.

John wasn't the type to trust easily, none of the Shelbys trusted people easily. Arthur fell for Linda, much to everyone's dismay. Linda was fake, a religious fraud who believed she was better than them and tried to escape the family with Arthur and their children. Mary wasn't Grace, a woman who had betrayed Tommy, regardless of the "feelings" she had developed for him, Polly never forgave her for betraying the family and told her so. Lizzie... well, Lizzie was a family friend. She knew the brothers very closely, even fucked with both John and Tommy. Lizzie was someone Polly cared for and treated well. somehow, she was an unofficial Shelby. Everyone knew that Lizzie was longing after Tommy and the two of them often had sex together. Polly knew that Lizzie was head over heels with Tommy but he wasn't. No. Tommy was seeking comfort, and through sex, he was calming the demons in his head. Lizzie, well, he cared for her, but that was all there was to say about it. With Mary, things were different. 

"How am I doing? Well, Polls... I'm here. obviously, I'm doing much better, eh?" -She replied sarcastically, rolling her eyes before she clenched her jaw.- "I will need some time, but I'm doing much better.- "She said, wiping some tears off of her eyes.- "I just... Where is Tommy?"

Polly sighed and blew another smoke away. She didn't want to tell sweet Mary about Tommy's whereabouts. He asked her to specifically keep Mary out of the loop, even more so than Lizzie, because he needed her to be protected from his lethal hand. He wanted to use any means necessary to keep her from the curse that is with him -just knowing him, so imagine if they were together- brought. Grace's death served him right and he chose to be even more careful. Polly felt her heart sink a little bit because she could tell with just this question, that Mary was needing her nephew. She needed his presence, his reassurance, his tranquility to appease her soul and that was the evidence that she wasn't as good as she claimed she was. 

"I can't tell you where he is. He's away, on a business trip."

"You're going to keep it from me? Me? I need to know where he is, Polls. I need to."

"What you need right now, is to take a big breath. I know you probably are drinking yourself into a drunken stupor so I am not going to give you something to drink. However, I do have water and I will have food coming over. So, stay with me for lunch."

".....A business trip, eh?..." -Mary lowered her head, her long curly hair fell onto her chest and she closed her eyes.- "Fine. I will have lunch with you." -Polly smiled at her and put some of the ashes on the ashtray on her left.-

"Good. Listen, I know what's going through your head. I've been there. I've lived it and I still have fucking nightmares about the kids I lost and those that were taken from me." -She bluntly said, making Mary's jaw clench and her eyes flash open and stare at her-

Mary's fragility and their shared past had been one of the reasons that made Polly bond with Mary. Both suffered from the loss of their children and terrible encounters with men. Both were now free to lead the lives they wanted, and while Mary was still figuring herself out -she was so young, just 30 years old-, Polly had the time to make her choices and embrace this new life. Polly wanted to help her navigate the pain a mother of a dead child felt, and she wanted to help her be happy. This poor broken bird just wanted to be happy and her genuine affection for the family and for her other half, Tommy, convinced Polly that she was a good woman. 

Mary's resilience and strength shone through over the years and convinced Polly that the woman was truly in love with Tommy and wanted his happiness. She bonded with Charles, literally adopted him as her own and she managed to make Tom's house warm and loving for him to return to. Subtle ways, subtle presence but little by little she became important for every Shelby, to a different degree. Polly saw her like the daughter she lost, a fierce woman who didn't admit defeat to Life and kept going. She saw her as someone who needed guidance and showed her the way. She wasn't Romani, nor did she know the culture, but that was fine with Polly. She didn't need to be. She didn't have to be. 

"How dare you?'" -Mary's eyes shot daggers at Polly, but she was shushed before she could continue by the older woman-

"Stop pretending! Mary! Own your pain! You can own it in front of me. I have been there! for fuck sake! I have been there, so I know!" -She said hitting the table.- "And it's not fair! And you're afraid to continue. And you struggle! I know you do. I'm sorry you do." -She said, offering a soft smile before she furrowed her brows- "You cannot struggle alone, you have no right to do it on your own when we are here. DO you think Tommy would like to see you like this?"

"Do you think Tommy would care, Polls? I know he doesn't. He sleeps with all the cunts of the United Kingdom. He drinks, he smokes, and he fucks regardless of who it is. He loved his first wife and I am not Grace, I will never be Grace and he would never love me back. He never cheated on Grace, I was there, remember? He only had eyes on her, and he was smiling more often. He was happier back then. Who am I, if not a nobody? Why would he care?"

"Mary! Nonsense! I know the matters of the heart and I know my Tommy. I can assure you that he cares a great deal about you. /you/ are important to him, more than you can know. He would hate to see you in that state because he wouldn't know what to do to help you feel better."

"NO.. no... if he did, he would have stayed with me. Instead, he left, Polls. He left." -She shrugged and rubbed her arms with her hands. Her throat was tight and she felt tears trying to roll down. So she fought against them and shook her head- 

"Mary. Mary, look at me." -Mary shook her head and cradled herself. Polly sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose.-

Mary was stubborn, but she always was when she was upset, and clearly, not having Tommy around in a moment of vulnerability was getting her cranky. Polly yanked her head back and blew her smoke up to the ceiling. She suspected that Tommy was having feelings for Mary, feelings that could either be a deep concern for the woman, perhaps a really deep friendship, or perhaps actual love. He hadn't shared his thoughts and he avoided being alone with Mary, so Polly wasn't certain. What she knew, however, was that he cared for the woman, and when Tommy cared and respected someone, he fucking meant it. Mary still denied being in love with him, but it was the worst kept secret in the whole damn country. She wore her love on her face and it was so obvious that even Arthur noticed it. Arthur wasn't stupid or dense, but he wasn't that great with the matter of Love, so imagine! 

"Mary..fuck, look at me!"

"Polls! I can hear you just fine!" -The singer lifted her head and leaned into her seat.-

She couldn't deny the woman her attention. She considered her like the mother she never had. Polly did take her in after a little rough time between the two of them. She knew the Shelby woman was testing her loyalty and her strength of character and went along with her tests. It probably was when Polly let her hug her, that Mary realized she was actually welcomed, and when John invited Mary over during one of their celebrations, that was enough for the young woman to realize she was accepted. She knew Grace and befriended the woman before her death. it wasn't a deep relationship -to be honest, she was on the periphery of this couple, spending more time with the brothers and Polly than with Grace and Tommy- but she saw the woman when she was alive and she couldn't help herself but feel that she would be compared to her, no matter what she did or what she said. Somehow, was it true? Could Tommy see her as just her and not someone who would raise his son or bring him the comfort he lost when his wife died? 

"Look at me! I know my boy Tommy and he isn't the type of person who does things he doesn't agree with. he's thought long enough before he let you in his home. He let you in because he chose to have you there. he wanted to have you there. He still kept you there even after the threat on you was dealt with. He / wants/ you there! You are not Grace and you will never be! However, you are Mary and you are more than enough, girl. You are more than enough!"

Mary shook her head and wiped the tears that kept rolling onto her cheeks. As a matter of fact, she wanted to believe Polly but couldn't bring herself to do so because she thought that God had forsaken her. Tommy kept his distance and she couldn't see or feel his supposed affection. He claimed he cared, yet he was gone and now she was fragile and upset and wished he was around to comfort her in his arms but he wasn't there. Polly was, however, and she shook her head upon seeing Mary crying and stood up so she could wrap her arms around the girl and pull her into a nice and tight hug.  Mary wrapped her arms around Polly's and finally sobbed. She cried for her son. She cried for her love for Tommy she felt would never become anything. She cried for the love and comfort Polly was giving her. 

"I don't know... I don't know...oh, Polly... it hurts so much. I just want my son back! I just want Tommy here. I just... I just.."

"Shhh... shhh. let go. I'm here. I'm here. You'll feel better after, eh?..."

"I'm so sorry.." -She sobbed, hugging Polly in her arms-

They would resume talking when Mary would feel better. They would talk and she would calm down. they would talk and she would feel much better and they would speak about something else, about Ada, and Michael who was doing great in America, about Arthur, and perhaps about something else. They would talk about going shopping and helping Mary feel pretty and more like herself again. They would talk about Tommy and his stubborn mind and they would probably talk a little bit more about Polly and her suitors, Mary and her suitors and they would laugh and they would love and they would bond. 

-TBC-

Mary (PB): What do you think when you look at him?

Mary (to Lizzie): "You think you know him. You think you care about him, but Lizzie you don't. what you care about is you and only you. what you care about is a Thomas Shelby who doesn't exist. you claim you love the gangster but you want him to make you proper. you want him to erase your past as a whore as if it was something you should be ashamed of. you did what you had to do to survive and nothing is going to erase this shit. You wanna know what I see when I look at Tommy? I see the man I could take a fucking bullet for. I see a man who needs comfort, protection, and someone who understands him. I think about how I could help soothe his mind and keep him alive so he could see his son grow up. I think about how I could help him to the best of my ability. I think about the rest of the family too. there's more than just Tommy Shelby. there is his family too who I happen to love as mine.  and you wanna know something. when I look at him, I think about how good it is when he fucks me. I get to sleep in his bed, I get to live in his house and he gets to moan my name when he's fucking me unlike all the times he fucked you wishing you were someone else.  he soothes me and showed me that God has not forsaken me because he gave me somebody to love. So, keep your nasty tongue into your fucking mouth and stop trying to make me leave this man cause it's never gonna happen."

XXXX

Mary (To Polly):  "Poll...Polly. you know damn well what I am thinking when I look at Tommy.  You know how hard my heart beats when I set my eyes on him. You know I have studied his face enough to know how he feels without having him spell it out to me. I know every little crease, every little smirk, every eye twitch...Polly... when I look at him, I wish he was my first husband. I wish he was the man I gave everything to, but I can't. we can't go back in time, Polly.  Aaah...Tommy fucking Shelby stole my heart, that's what I am thinking about when I look at him. I can't imagine living without him. I can't imagine another man in my heart but him. What does that make me, Polly? I don't know. I don't know what that feeling is, but I know that I would give everything for him. But...I am not going to accept everything. I'm not going to let him stick his dick everywhere and consider me as nothing but a prop, or a hole to fill. I am more than just a girl to fuck you know? I refuse to be just a girl he can fuck when wants. I might not have the name, I might not have a family, and I am not a Shelby but I damn right can go head to head with one. uh... what do I think when I look at him? I think about running my fingers through his hair, while he reads the newspapers. I want to sing lullabies to him so he could sleep well at night. I want to protect him from his nightmares at night. Do you think I am losing myself to him? come on, Polls. you know that he also gives me something. I feel seen... protected... cared for. I mean something to him, whether he wants to admit it or not. I mean something. he makes me feel that I am part of this family and he makes me feel like a woman. I don't have much in this life, but he is my everything and I am going to make him feel like it!"

xxxxx

Mary to Tommy: "You want me to tell you what I have in mind when I look at you, eh? You want me to tell you how I feel when I set my eyes on you? I don't think you want to know. I don't think you want me to say it because I know you don't think the same.  you don't think the same because if you did, there would be no May. there would be no Lizzie. there would be no other woman in your bed but me.  So, I will go ahead and let you know what I think when I look at you. I will let you know and you won't say anything to me. Don't you dare say anything to me because I don't want you to tear me apart! I don't want you to tell me what I already know. You don't get to break my heart with your words, okay? let me do it for you. let me do it to myself so I stay in my lane. Because... when I look at you, I want to wrap my arms around you. I think about how much I want to see you smile. I want to comfort you at night and make sure you have no more nightmares. I want to sing you lullabies, with a hand running through your scalp. I want...you to be happy. that's what I am thinking about. I want to be a part of that happiness too, but I know I will never be. I know... but still. I see you and I want to kiss you. I want to cook you lovely meals. I want to raise your son and protect him. I want...I think about how sweet you are when you are sleeping. I think about you and Charlie as my family. I think about you as my family... and the Shelbys as my family. I look at you and I see an exhausted man who had sacrificed everything and who needs to be told that he is alright. that he did right. that he is loved. and you are loved. you are so loved Tommy... I ... I ... CHrist. I am an idiot ain't I? I am stupid, you can say so...you can say so...but I want you to be happy and if that is without me, then so be it.  I just want you to be happy... oh Tommy.. fuck you, Tommy! Fuck you and your beautiful blue eyes. Fuck you and your suave voice that makes me weak in the knee, and the kisses you give me. fuck you and how good you feel inside of me. fuck Thomas Shelby's cock and the way you look at me when you say my name. fuck you and the fact you make me crave that fucking cock. Fuck you and the fact I fell in love with you.... fuck you for making me love you while you knew you couldn't love me...I am stupid... I know...so don't you dare mock me. don't you dare fucking mock me?"