Got (modern): She was still living

// I am writing this while listening to  Amazing by Aerosmith.

xxxxxx

Dance was an escape. 

Her body was her paint brush and the stage was her canvas. She needed to express her emotions in the best way possible and dancing allowed her to do so. Bäahal was known for being expressive during her performances. Once she stepped into a stage, all eyes were on her and for a brief moment, there only was the music and the young woman. For a brief moment she remembered her childhood, the happy memories with her mother, the visits of her father. She remembered her friends at pre-school, the birthday parties she attended, the smiles she had on her face. She remembered her mother's smile, the warmth that came from the woman whenever she smiled at her daughter or whenever she hugged her. She remembered the good times and that fueled her dancing, brought smiles to the faces of those who watched her perform. 

Dance was an escape. 

It allowed for the young heiress to speak with her body words she couldn't say. She was thrusted into her memories and would, for a moment or two, remember her mother. She missed her. She missed her loving presence, her clever pieces of advice, her kindness. She missed her mother and in a way, Dancing connected their souls together. In a way, dancing soothed her heart. For so long she had not been able to express her pain because nobody would listen to her. She came to her father's family and this decision wreaked havoc in the family. She was abused in a way a child shouldn't be. Her siblings wanted nothing to do with her and when the older brother finally came around, he died. Her step-mother used to beat her, verbally abuse her and remind her that she was the reason the family was destroyed.

Dance was her escape.

Aerys II didn't have any choice but to build her a gym inside their family estate. She had to have her special place, a sanctuary of some sort where she could let go of her real emotions. She had screamed in there and danced frenetically. She had cried in there, and danced accordingly. her body dancing slowly, spinning around while she pleaded and banged onto the floor.  She had danced her grief away, when her dad died and she truly felt alone in the whole world. She had no friends, her family hated her and many treated her like a stranger at the very best and a nuisance at the very worst. Dancing was the only way she could breathe. Dancing was everything for the silver head and while she found some satisfaction with the underground dance battles, she wanted nothing more but to dance in public, dance anywhere she could, and show her passion with no restraints.  She wished she could take Jaime or Kyra to one of her shows. 

Dance was her escape. 

She wished a lot of things, but they weren't possible. It wasn't safe.She wanted to show the people she loved how much they meant to her. She wanted to express her affection, claim her love for Jaime through dance. She wished she could perform in public, with him in attendance watching her dance. She wished she could lift the cup of her dance battles and make a speech about the people who believed in her and embraced her dreams. She wished she could, but the reality of things made it impossible as of now. So she danced in the safety of her Gym. She danced Her frustrations away. She danced her solitude away and it felt good. Her muscles were sore. her throat dry and her skin soaked with sweat but she kept dancing. She kept moving. 

She kept living. 

-TBC-

MOET: Have you felt it?

Have you ever felt it? the words at the tip of your tongue that die out because you can't gather the strength to express yourself. There is this strong desire to come undone and stop pretending to be strong just for a minute that pushes you to your limits.. but still, you redefine your limits. Still, you make sure that nobody can see you cry. Here comes the moment you want to scream "I need you." but you stop yourself from ever doing so because the very hand that could help you out of the water, can very much drown you on a whim. Or, eventually, they would be taken down with you because that's what you do, isn't it? that's what you do. you take everyone with you.

So what can we do? What is left to do? All that is left is faith. Faith in the good nature of those we love, Faith in their ability to love us even though we keep disappointing them. Faith int heir ability to be strong and keep the path to the Light open long enough for us to cross safely. Faith in your own ability to climb the stairs to safety and well-being; Faith in your ability to heal. Because you can heal and you will, with time.. maybe a little... maybe a lot more. Have you ever felt it? the need to let go? just. let go and close your eyes because you've been extremely tired and you can't move anymore. I can't move anymore. I can't keep going. I need my rest, I need to stop. I need to stop...But Faith keeps me awake. it keeps me standing. it keeps me going.

So I guess I'm not done yet.

# Misadventures of Eros and Thanatos: Have you ever felt it?

MOET: A light int he dark

MOET: A light int he dark 

A/N uncertain times, lead to anxiety.

XXXX

I have always dreamed of a cookie perfect future, where I would have it together.

I kept burdening my shoulders with an unnecessary weight over the years.

And as expected, I ended up being overwhelmed and disappointed.

How could I not be, when I was the one to set the bar so high?

I thought my life had only meant when I « became » something.

The dreams I tried to fulfilled and the goals I tried to achieve were not realistic.

The pressure I put on myself was so strong that it ended up suffocating me.

And when my future slipped through my fingers and, I didn't reach my goals?

I crumbled.

What was the point of my life if I wasn't able to « become » who I wanted to be?

If I didn't correct my imperfection and snapped those picture-perfect moments of my life?

What was I if not a fraud? What was I, if not unhappy?

I forgot how it was to enjoy my life the way it was. I forgot how it was to be me.

I couldn't tell if it was time convincing me that I was nothing, or the constant failures that did it.

The air became suffocating and I couldn't breathe. That's what happened since my dreams.shattered.

I couldn't move forward, I couldn't breathe and I lost myself into the darkness that was my life.

There was nothing left but darkness, so I decided to drift away until it swallowed me whole... until...

Light pierced through the dark.

Love came to me, victorious already. I could feel its warm light embraces my dried-out heart.

I could feel it destroy the darkness that surrounded me and bathe me in its righteous light.

It embraced me, comforted me and like a mother to a crying child, it cradled me.

« You're more than enough » she whispered to me and like a child, I ended up weeping.

Elpis x Jaime: Did you find what you were looking for?

//musing around. THinking of you 🐉

"And Did you find what you were looking for?" 

Bäahal eyes grew wide and she bit her bottom lip. Did she? Many years ago she left king's landing in search for a new purpose and her true self and still, after all those years she didn't know the answer. Her hair grew longer, her skin had new scars but her eyes were still sad. They lost their spark from the day she lost Viserion and she never found the spark again. She thought that leaving the king's Landing would help her in the long term. After all, she would know... she would find out who she really was and would be able to come back to Daenerys with a better sense of self. She would be a better sister. She would be.... the question that came out of Jaime's lips was sarcastic. He was mocking her and her desperate attempt at trying to be someone.... something. 

Could she be? Her purple eyes set upon the blonde knight and she sighed deeply as he kept a faint grin on his lips. He was drunk and bitter and she knew where it came from. The knight didn't get to die with his lover and because he wasn't there when Cersei died and couldn't die on the battlefield, he resented the world. He resented Daenerys and he resented the Targaryens even more, Bäahal included. His green eyes were intensely staring at her, waiting for a crack on her face, anything to suggest she was miserable. She ought to be, at the very least. Her fingers got stuck in her silver locks as she furrows her brows.

"I refuse to listen to a drunk man."

"And why am I drunk, uh? Why the hell am I? If not because of you!" 

"Bullshit! You were the one who left and told me that you knew the risks but couldn't leave Cersei behind! You were the one who left! You LEFT me!" She spat at him but soon realized she said too much and opened her eyes even wider. 

"I never was yours, to begin with." Jaime sneered. " but you wish I was, don't you? From the moment we met, you fell for me and hard at that." She shook her head and detangled her silver knot. "Don't lie to me, princess! You are a terrible liar!" 

"I am not! I never wanted you to be mine. I wanted you to be a better and happier man!" It was true, she had always wanted the best for Jaime and told him that Cersei wasn't that for him. She tried to convince him that he was going down a dangerous path that could lead to the destruction of his soul. Did he listen to her? Of course, not. 

"You Took the reason that made /me/ a happier man! You killed her!" He snapped at her and threw the glass of wine at her feet, staining her feet and pants.

"Lord Jaime..." he darkly chuckled and sat back on the chair. He never liked when she called him as such, he was no lord anymore. No knight... no nothing. The sliver of respect she gave him annoyed Jaime because she still saw him as a man while he saw himself as nothing but a shell of the man he used to be. "You are drunk... I'm not talking to you." She couldn't fall for his game, now could she? He was looking for a fight, he wanted to be mean and he picked on her because he knew she couldn't really fight back or maybe he was hoping she did. Deep down it was working. His words cut through her heart like a knife he threw at the princess and she was trying to ignore her feelings. But it didn't work out. Her eyes were filled with unshed tears and she looked away from him.

"Yet you are. You found me and decided to take me places. I didn't ask you. I didn't ask..." he stood back up and walked towards her. "For a love-struck puppy to find me and try and save me. You can't save me!" 

"By the old gods and new ones I can't save you! I didn't come to rescue you like you are some kind of damsel in distress! I didn't come for that!" -half a lie. She did find him because she wanted to help him.- 

"You are a terrible liar, princess Bäahal. It was cute before but not anymore. You found me on a dump, you should have left me there." 

"You are a knight. If you want to die, then die like one." She snapped at him. "You.... you have to die like Jaime Lannister and not some poor drunk found on the sideways." She sighed and looked up to his face. 

"Why do you bother so much? Why do you fucking try hard? Is it because you hope for a taste of me?" He grinned and cupped her soft cheek with his calloused hand. "Or is it a sick game you want to play? One last joke before the end?" It rubbed her the wrong way. 

"You know me better than that. I play no game. You will die an honorable death like we promised each other." She chewed at her bottom lip and leaned into his touch. "Cersei went like a true Lannister so you should at least give her the honor of dying like one." Her voice broke but she held his gaze. Jaime stopped and froze at her words, taken aback by her sharp answer and sincere tone. She truly was compassionate and this realization took away, at least for a moment, his anger. 

"I see... how charitable of you." 

"Maybe that's who I am.... charitable and people-driven." She pulled away from him and turned her back at him. "I didn't find what I was looking for. No answer about who I really am... when I am not from house Targaryen or when I am not a slave. I thought of leaving King's landing and helping people would help... but I never took a minute to sit and think about myself...."

"You are afraid of what you might find." His tone wasn't mocking anymore and she shrugged. 

"I don't know myself..... but I know who I am when you are near..." she closed her eyes, allowing tears to fall on her cheeks. "So... I won't quit until you are back to yourself..." he chuckled and put his hand on the table next to him. 

"Well.... if you are the one to kill me maybe I will stick around longer." 

"This is cruel.." she moaned softly before she nodded "whatever it takes..." she turned around and extended her hand "I accept." 

"Good." He shook her hand and returned to his seat. "Now what?" 

"Now we sleep. Tomorrow we ride again." 

-TBC-

soa: where are you?

(SoA)

"I went to see Jax a couple days ago. He seemed to be doing alright. Maybe a little more worried than usual. Maybe a little darker than usual. I can't exactly tell. I am not with him 24/7 but you are. Oh, I should be calling you right now, I should be talking with you about the whole trip to prison and the fact I hate this place and wish to never have to come back there. Oh, I should be calling you right now and talk about how stressful this must be for you. I should e telling you all the shit I have done, trying to help and how lucky I was to get out alive. Oh, I should be calling you... but where are you?

You disappeared, again, as usual, if we think about it. You disappeared and because I'm kept out of the loop, I have no goddamn idea of where. Sure, Mayhem started when Jax was sent to prison. People died, chaos ensured, My brain quickly realized it was you but I kept my mouth shut...I could handle that shit because at least you came back home when the deed was done. At least I could talk with you, I could stop by your house, bring the kids cookies, have a chat with you and see how you were doing. Now? Now I can't do shit because you're not around. Where the fuck are you?

Do you remember the night we talked and you told me you went back to business? Do you remember how worried you were that I was mad at you for keeping it from me? Well, no shit Sherlock, now I'm mad! Now I'm pissed at you... Now I'm worried sick about you because I haven't heard from you. The boys? They're lips-glued and wouldn't say a damn word to me, especially Ope, no matter how much I bribed him with food. He just wouldn't tell me shit, like he didn't tell me shit when you went....missing. As usual, I'm hitting a wall and I'm left powerless and clueless and all I can do is watch as you...I am mad Jess...I am mad at you, do you know that?

Not because you're probably going on a rampage. I know you, remember? I can't be mad at you for trying to save your man. Hell, I would have done the same... hell! I did the same, just a lot more stupidly than you could ever do that. It's not my world after all. It's not... I'm not angry, I'm terrified. I'm terrified because you could be dead and my guts have a really bad feeling so I know you're not safe but I can't do shit about it. Nobody but you can do it. So I'm just left with Hope and faith in you. I'm just left with the unshakable faith in you that I have.

The Hope that you will come back to me in one piece and we will talk again. And we will laugh again...and you'll be at my wedding. Cause if you die...who's gonna carry the veil? If you die, who's gonna carry the rings? Who the fuck is gonna dab the tissue so my makeup isn't ruined when I say I do? Can't you see? I'm missing my sister! Where is she, uh? Where are you?"

GoT: I miss him

"Can I confide in your Missandei, with the assurance you are not going to repeat my words to my sister?"

The silver princess averted her purple eyes from the wall to her best friend who was staring at her with her big brown eyes wide open. She was worried for Bäahal ever since Lord Jaime left and went back to Cersei. It was to be expected, the princess was overwhelmed with emotions she couldn't really understand. Missandei didn't think much of the Lannisters. She got along well with Lady Kyra and looked after her needs as requested by the queen but she didn't grow attached to the siblings. Her relationship with Lord Tyrion, at times, was stretched thin, especially when he was stubborn about the way to govern Mereen in the absence of the queen. He earned her respect and he learned how to respectfully addressed Missandei better. She was used to men like Jaime, men of honour, "good men" who would do their duties and keep their words despite being the enemy still. She was used to a more complex game that Bäahal had just entered. Perhaps these were the benefits she got from her position as a slave, which was vastly different from Bäahal who was just a trophy exhibited for all to see.

"You can, your grace. I'm all ears."

"You know you don't have to "grace" me, Dei. I need a friend, not a servant." She bit her bottom lip and shifted on her bed to face Missandei better. "So, please. Call me by my name."

"Alright. I'm all ears." Missandei said, brushing the tips of the princess' hair.

"I would never admit to anyone but you...watching Lord Jaime leave hurt me more than I anticipated it would."

"Hurt you? How so?" Missandei stopped and looked at the young woman with eyes widely opened this time.

"I don't know. I-I don't know. I just know that I didn't want him to leave. I liked fighting by his side, I liked..."

"I thought you didn't like him, Bäahal. The only things you said about him were complaints. He was too harsh with you, he was cold, he was up in your face all the time.. how can you go from this to it hurts you to watch him leave?" She genuinely asked, confused as to why her friend was feeling this way.

"Raaah..I do not know!" Bäahal growled at her, pulling away from her friend's hands as she stood up. "Don't you think I've been trying to figure this out? I felt betrayed, despite knowing full well he was going to leave. I do not hate him. I do not!" She paced around the room, her hand frantically running into her white mane. Her purple eyes were still shifting from left to right.

"You must have an idea already. You have one but you're not willing to tell me. Why is that? Are you ashamed?" Missandei's voice became bolder and it made the princess stop.

"What are you talking about? Me? Ashamed? Of course not! I am not ashamed! I am..."

"Angry?"

"No."

"Jealous then?" -She lifted a brow, trying to poke around the beast with a stick and see what would awaken it.

"NO! I am not! Why is that, that Lord Tyrion and you seem to think that I fancy Lord Jaime! I do not fancy him!"

"Then why are you hurt?" Missandei asked, her hands on each side of her waist as she stood up as well to stop the princess from resuming her frantic pace.

"He saw me as just me. I wasn't a princess, I wasn't a pretty thing, I was just... me. There was no stupid protocol, not stupid big titles...there was nothing but the truth and I've never had a man treat me like this before."

"This is not true. Lord Tyrion respects you and treats you like a wo---"

"Like a piece of his chess game! that's how he treats me. That's how he has always treated me from the moment he discovered the truth about my lineage!"

"Fine...Let's say you're right. Lord Jon Snow treats you well. You cannot say he doesn't."

"I am Daenerys sister! Of course, he'd treat me with respect!"

"I cannot believe you! You were the one who talked our queen into listening to him. You were the first to trust him and his tales about the White Walker! He didn't have to treat you any different and yet he did treat you with respect!"

"Because he had an interest!" She pointed out. "Lord Jaime had none! his heart? it belongs to Cersei. His mind? it belongs to Cersei. he didn't have to have me convince my sister, we never discussed politics or strategy. Don't you see it? He had no interest in me...."

"And yet you're sad." Missandei pointed out, as she watched the princess' face drop her smile. She turned around so the handmaiden would not see the fluster on her cheeks and bit her bottom lip harder. "I know he's not the first good man I would ever meet or the last, but I am missing him and this is a feeling I don't know how to handle. That's all. I miss Lord Jaime but next time we meet, we'd have to kill the other. Can friendship be born on such tragic circumstances? I will fulfil my duty, should we meet. and I will kill him for my sister but it brings me distress.....I've never felt this way before and I don't know how to..."

She wiped away some tears and covered her mouth with her warm palm. Missandei sighed and gently came behind her, wrapping her warm arms around the frame of her friend and bringing her close to a comforting hug. There was nothing more to say, there was no more sound but the sobs of the young Targaryen.

Here she is (Elpis)

(Elpis)

Her name was Loyalty.
Her name was resilience.
She spent 2000 years waiting to see her beloved again.
2000 years spent alone, deprived of her physical form and trusting he would find her again.
2000 years gambling on the fact he would eventually want her back, let alone, set her free. She believed in him, always.
Here she is, 2000 years later, finally free.
In a world that forgot about her and evolved without her.
In a world where she's even more alone than before.
Her family torn apart after they betrayed her, almost destroyed,
Her beloved torn apart and made up again, unable to love her.
And here she is, dreaming, wishing, hoping that he sees her.
Loyal to him, choosing him still,
despite the odds, despite Fear,
Despite how grim her future seems to be, how lonely too.
If she doesn't succeed in making him care for her, the way he did
Or eventually, enough for her to keep going.
And there she is, dreaming, wishing, Hoping
Here she is...

GoT: Heroes are never what legends made them be

Heroes are never what legends made them be. Myths tend to erase the reality of these people, the hard work, the pressure, the doubt they endured. Myths tend to erase the questions that plague the minds, the fear that clutch at the heart of the Hero. History is always rewritten by the victors, carefully crafted to make those who once were allies and celebrated into the worst of evil to degrade and curse. History did so to Ser Jaime. It turned his heroic act into a despicable action. People would only remember him as someone who broke an oath and not someone who saved countless lives. He was one to speak, asking her to make a life for herself so she wouldn't be a footnote in History. He was one to speak about determining her own life and do the most difficult feat to ever exist: LIVE. He asked her to live, in his not so subtle ways to speak.

The night he spoke to her, she was overwhelmed by anger, so much so she didn't stop to think of his words. It was after that night that the princess started a conversation with herself. She wanted to know why, once free, she reverted back to what she knew. Devotion, servitude. She wanted to serve her sister -not be her sister- and it went on the opposite way of what she had dreamed for herself for so long. It wasn't even surviving she was doing, it was merely existing. One of the truths she had to uncover was that she was terrified of living. It was one thing to survive, another one to wage a war, but she was dreading peacetime because then, she would have to face herself, her dreams, her hopes and fears. She wanted to be loved, the way she saw Jon love Daenerys but wasn't sure it would be enough to calm her soul. She wanted to be seen as more than her last name, that very name she had loathed almost her entire life. She wanted to exist and do good. Somehow maybe, it would justify her existence, maybe she would pay for the crime her very life was. Maybe she would...She wanted to be loved.

She feared she had nothing left inside of her, nothing but anger and resentment for what she lost and what was taken from her. She feared she had nothing left to give, but when proven wrong, it became something she both enjoyed and both feared. Being able to love was beautiful and yet, she realized she had once again so much to lose. A family, to begin with, then friends...and her peace of mind. They found something inside of her to love, something worth their affection and it made her realize that wanting to be loved wasn't the worst. No. It was losing that love that was the worst and there were many ways to accomplish just that. The days following her conversation with Jaime, the princess realized that she wasn't that eager to die, dying was the easiest part of Life. No. She realized she was afraid to live and it both made her feel ashamed and angered her. who was scared of Life? Who could possibly be afraid to live? who did that? if not her...

Elpis x Pride: She wanted to remain angry

Elpis wanted to remain angry because she refused to face what would come next. The truth was waiting in the dark and she refused to face it. Her pantheon was doomed. It would go extinct the minute she would break her curse because it was the decision she made. She would take no prisoners for all the people she loved were already dead. Gaea was the only neutral goddess in exile on Earth because she only cared for mankind...for now.

The truth was, once her pantheon was destroyed she would be alone. The truth was, once the war would be over, there were still Sins to defeat. THere would still be Pride to....to what? He wasn't the Pride she once knew, he couldn't love her like the older version of him could. And even this was a stretch of a word. She wasn't sure she could reach out to his core and make him see her as something more than just a stain in his history.  She had to try. She must try because if she didn't, then she would truly be alone and aimless. Then, the weight of being alone would crush her to dust. Then...Then maybe all of this would have been a waste.

There was a reason Elpis was holding onto her anger this much, fueling it with anything she could find, because if she wasn't angry, then, she would fall apart.

Crippled II

Here we go again, feeling crippled once again. I contemplate my life and all I see is all I couldn't do. One shouldn't wallow in self-pity and I don't even pity myself. My failures are mine. However, I do fail to see my success either and the wins I could snatch from life. I have won, several times. I am alive and I am kicking and I am breathing still. I have demons of my own, demons I try to hide from the rest of my family but they devour me whole. My heart is lonely, I am alone. Alone in a crowd that is. I just watch and I can't help but wonder: Why? When? How? What?

Why the pain? Why the guilt? Why can't I fucking feel like a normal human being? How is that that I only feel like the worst of them? Especially when nothing is going on on my side? I wish I could close my eyes and make it go away. I wish I could just ignore everything but let's be honest, I can't. it doesn't work like this. It doesn't work like this. Today, I am just very tired. I don't want to take my feet out of my house, out of my bed. I used to have a small notepad where I would write down my darkest thoughts. I can't seem to be able to do that anymore. at least, not for now. I used to sketch so easily but I have been blocked. I used to...

I'm turning 30 this year. it's huge. especially for someone who thought they would be dead by 24. I'm alive but I am not at the same time. I'm just spending the days.....I'm wasting away. that's the truth of my life. I'm wasting away and I know that but I cannot move. And do you know why? Because I am crippled. My brain freezes, my body stiffens. I cannot move. I am terrified. Me, who is someone who usually is bold and brave and capable of so much more. I am petrified by my own brain. I cannot fathom the idea of being able to do anything, of being a waste of space and skin, of being untalented and stupid and I mostly de-evaluate myself so much that there is nothing left of anything I know that I can do. It's even worse as people praise me. As they see me as this passionate person and capable person; I believe this image of me feels like a fraud.. while it's the truth.

I am tired, I am so tired......

So tired...

Let me sleep.

Saying goodbye

I have to say goodbye to you, not for you but for me.
I have to let go of our memories, watch as they fly by to the past where they belong.
I held onto you, as much as I could because I didn't want to let go.
How could I when you were my piece of sunshine? When reading your name still made me smile?
Now I look at it and all I have are tears, tears I can't even shed because I don't want to think about it.
About you walking away, under my nose, and acting as if I wouldn't notice.
You went away, you ghosted me, you made me feel as if you've erased me from your life.
How am I supposed to feel? if not abandoned all over again? I guess that's how it goes.
Of course, you have the right to walk away, I told you so, you're not a prisoner.
You're free to go.


I have to say goodbye to you, not for you but for me.
I have to let go of your memory so I wouldn't hit my head against the wall all over again.
I have to let go of you so I wouldn't feel the pain of remembering you.
Do you remember how close we used to be? How much you seemed to care? Because I do.
Every word, every moment we experienced together, I have them locked somewhere in my mind.
Because I never forget. Ah Jeez, it's hard to watch you leave but you decided to.
All I can do is accept I'm no longer part of your life, or not as much as I used to. I understand.
I have to make room in my heart, make sure that love I have for you doesn't hurt anymore.
I won't forget you, How could I?, I won't forget you but I will make sure it doesn't hurt as much.
You're free to go.


I loved you. I love you still. I will love you even if you're no longer part of my life.
I will let you go, out of my heart and out of my mind so I wouldn't hurt anymore.
I will grieve for our lost friendship, I would cry the tears I have to because it does hurt to lose you.
I know I did.
I let you go.
You're free to go.

love and whatnots 3

//imaginary people talking about imaginary lives//

"Yesterday was an eye-opener. I had dinner with a man I thought I didn't have feelings for. /Feelings/, that's a big word I don't like to think about. So, we had dinner, just him and I and a friend at a nice restaurant and that's when it happened. That's when I realized that I had feelings for that man. I couldn't help myself but think about holding his hand all fucking night long. I thought about touching him and managed to put my hands on him.. nothing dangerous, just a hand on his knee, another one on his arm.. anything to just be able to feel him. I left that friendly dinner with....how to say that.. a smile in my heart. I'm attracted to him, not in a physical way but really....really... at a deeper level. That can't be good right? I already want to run away from that one. I miss him... Don't tell him" -Ashley

"I don't know if I told you that, but I have a very special bond with my best friend. she's 3 years older than me but she feels like we're twins. She's always in my mind and knows how to make me feel better. She knows what to say and always comes at the right time like she has a radar or something. We're very connected and I can't imagine going on with my life without her by my sides. I adore her and I adore when we're together because the world crumbles and shakes in awe and shock. She's the Yin to my Yang and I will BREAK you if you hurt her." Alan

"It feels weird okay? Love does. I've never been this happy before and I am scared like hell about being happy. I said yes, I did and instantly regretted doing it. I am in love with my significant other. I sincerely am. I want to get married and have a taste of that happy life by their side. It's just...pfftt. it's just... I'm scared of losing all of that. Eventually, I'll have to accept whatever comes our way but I don't want to ruin everything like I always do. Do you-Do you think I worry too much? I don't know. I don't know.. I love my significant other more than anything. I just want them to be happy with me. They would be right?" Josh.

"I have a great appetite for sex. I certainly do, but you know it's complicated to talk about sex among people who aren't your friends. Some would think you're this easy person who would just shag everything and anything that comes your way. Some would want to exploit your past life and hook up with you just so you could perform... when they're not judging you for being outspoken. You can never win. you'll be treated as if you were a slut and no matter how "open-minded" people pretend to be, they would end up judging you like you've just eaten a baby. Either way, I don't care. I love sex, I love having it with my current boyfriend. I loved doing it with my partners when I was single and if I become single again, I'll still have fun!." Darla.

One of these people

I'm one of these people, one of those who can't stand to stare at their own reflection in the mirror.

I'm one of these people, one of those who can't stand to look into themselves and face their emotions.

It hurts, it hurts so much that spending a day without thinking about oneself feels like a relief... 

It hurts so much and yet feels like it should be ignored so we could focus on our loved ones.

it's both a selfless act because we care and a selfish one because we don't care enough about ourselves.

We could be struck by lightning for all we care, it wouldn't matter because we don't.

I'm one of these people, one of those who won't dare have dreams and try to make them happen.

I'm one of these people, one of those who would not try to be happy because they know, no, fear to lose it all.

It had happened in the past,  being way too happy for their own sake and forced to witness it burn to the ground.

It had happened, the feeling of being shredded to pieces because everything is collapsing before you.

And the pain is too strong, and the pain is too deep and they refuse to believe they could be happy again 

So we're very apprehensive whenever it comes to Happiness and people we care about and who make us happy. They could be gone just like that.

And we would have deserved it.

I'm one of these people, one of those who convinced themselves o be toxic. it doesn't make any sense yet it does.

I'm one of these people, one of those who'd rather keep it to themselves than speak and ask for help, 

Because we think we're an inconvenience  We think we're annoying people around us, 

We think the world of people we care about but still think ill about ourselves. because we're undeserving 

We think we can't make things get better YET would move mountains for those we care about.

How strange that works, love I guess can help us do anything and everything for our loved ones 

...Where is that love for myself?

I'm one of these people, one of those who don't know how to ask for help. 

I'm one of these people, one of those who are witty, funny, cryptic and who talk with codes.

I would write, I would share music with meaning, I would hint at how I truly feel without actually saying it  

Just a single glance at how I truly feel is enough to cause a meltdown, I don't want to feel, but is it healthy? No! 

And the pain is so intense that we wish it would be gone but we know there is work to do.

Work for what? work to get better of course. That's the end goal, after all, to feel better and be happier. 

Because Love is worth all the pain. 

Love truly is. it saves people...

I'm one of these people, one of those who despite the darkness surrounding their hearts, Hope still crawls into the cracks and creaks and make their heart soar.

Prayers to Thanatos

He prayed to Thanatos, wishing that his life would be over soon.

The god of Death, surely, would grant him his dearest wish.

He prayed and prayed but nothing really came out of it, 

Leaving the poor man alone to his thoughts and his dire need to die.

He prayed to Thanatos, wishing that his life would be over soon.

For he couldn't face the pain to live anymore, he couldn't endure it any longer

For it crushed his body and crushed his soul, turning him into a pile of flesh and nonsense

Turning him into a tortured and aching soul, one that just couldn't  go on with his life.

He prayed to Thanatos, wishing that his life would be over soon

He couldn't keep on going like this, Death was the only sweet relief

Unfortunately, Death was capricious and he could never get what he wished for

Unfortunately, he was condemned, doomed to stay alive and experience it all....

Life was meaningless and restless and he wished he wouldn't have to deal with it any longer

But Life wasn't done with him yet and denied him access to what he truly wished for.

Eternal rest wrapped around the soothing arms of Death.

Love and whatnots

//Just a small collection of imagined bits of conversations//

"He turned my life upside down and I let him. Never before have I felt this way for someone and even now. I have no idea how to handle it." -William

"What does living in my truth feel like? I don't know... Liberating? For a long time, I wore a mask because I thought being myself was a sin. I wanted to end my own life at some point. I am glad I didn't. Look at me now! Even more alive than yesterday!" -Sasha

"I never thought she would feel the same way as I did. To me, she was too exquisite, a real masterpiece I couldn't even afford to look at. I am blessed." -Laurie

"I miss my dad. I have a father but only met my dad once. I met him when I was 7 on that day he took me to the beach with mom. Can anyone take me to that man, Please?" -John

"I am sad. I am in pain 24/7 and I honestly can't stop feeling like this. The only moment I feel okay is when I am with him. It's when he holds me in his arms and when he whispers sweet nothing there... He could even be silent, for all I care. it would have worked. I feel like it's worth being alive you know?" -Ethel.

"I treat her like she deserves to be treated. She's a force of nature. she's to be feared.she's to be revered. she's untamable and I feel grateful to be allowed by her sides. She's the kind of beauty writers talk about in their books and painters paint and I want her to realize that there was no way in the world that I would forget about her because she chose me. She chose /me/."

Distance

It is safer, to put a distance between others and me. How could it not?

Some would say I am trying to protect myself from the pain I have experienced before.

In a way, it's not false. I do not want to be in pain the way I used to be. 

I'm scared of running into abusive people again and experience the physical and emotional violence.

I'm scared of going through the same ordeal over and over again and yet...

I feel as if I had to go through all of this as if it was a punishment of some sort.

Yeah silly I know. 

But this is how I feel and I can't shake this feeling off of my mind. 

I deserve the pain. I deserve to go and roam this Earth and suffer until the day I die.

It feels as if I had to pay for some crime I committed in the past; I am making amends am I not?

Otherwise, how could I explain the way I feel? How could I explain all the bad decisions I make?

All of them? Starting with the fact I am staying alive? Ah..or the fact I am resisting Death?

How tempting that knife is more and more. How tempting those pills are, more and more.

But I am resisting, as far as I can go. I stretch myself thin every time I am holding onto life.

Yeah... Silly, I know.

But this is how I feel and I can't shake this feeling off of my mind.

The worst would probably come to the fact that I am convinced I am hurting people.

I am convinced that my mere presence is enough to destroy everything around me.

I am convinced that I cannot grow anything, I cannot make anything, I can only destroy.

I am convinced that I am a waste of space, of skin, of air and that I can only hurt those around me.

Yeah, that's how I feel, that's how I deeply feel. I cannot communicate that trail of thoughts enough.

I cannot make people understand or sit through with me and take it in. 

How do you tell people you want to die?

How much of it is the mental illness and how much of it is just me?

I used to believe that it was all /me/ but turns out it actually was my mental illness playing tricks 

I actually don't want to die -or so they tell me- but I have urges..dark urges that drag me down.

It's a constant effort, not being drawn to the knife, the pills, bleaching products or whatever poisons

It's a constant effort trying to remain lucid, clear-minded and to center myself whenever I feel like it.

Like I want the pain to go away permanently  -because I want the pain to go- like I want it to end.

I'm scared, yeah.. silly I know.

How do you talk to people about it?

You simply don't. You keep it to yourself and you endure like an adult.

You use unhealthy coping mechanism because you know damn well that you can't deal with it.

I can't deal with the pain, thinking about it is making me feel so scared and hurt and I don't want it.

So I bury my feelings and pretend everything is okay, pretend I have everything under control

And everybody is buying, mostly because it's easier to believe it than to see the truth for what it is.

They can't help. They would be overwhelmed with fear, guilt, shame maybe. They would be lost.

They can't help and even if they wanted to, they would make me feel even more guilty than I do.

So I keep going.

I endure it, willingly, knowing full well that I won't make it for a long time or maybe I will.

Maybe I would suffer until the day I die OR I would die when the pain would be too much to bear.

Who knows?

So yes, I put some distance between people and me, because it's easier for everyone.

It's easier for me because I wouldn't have to watch them feel sorry for me.

It's easier for them because they wouldn't have to know what I have in my head and in my heart.

The less they know, the better.

The more distance there is, the best it is

I think so.

It's always my fault : ZEUS POV (My New Boss-MNB- )

A/N: Ah Zeus, (from My New Boss. You can find information in my articles) is having a very hard time. He's just learned that his former fiancé is heavily pregnant with her husband (and his best friend) and it just threw him back to when he acted like a fool and lost her for good. Heavy themes here. I needed a perfect way to convey some dark emotions and Zeus gave it to me. It's just him thinking of himself, not necessarily how others perceive him save for « he's an asshole ».

Xxxxx

« I am 8 months old pregnant Zeus. It's one of the reasons I don't want to visit you. Old wounds might open again and I've just healed from what you did to me. Don't ask me to come see you. You very much know I would not come over. With Love, Margot. »

Pregnant. She was pregnant! Of course, she would be. Zeus found himself staring blankly at the screen of his computer. In a moment of weakness, he reached out to his two only true friends.Paul Kingsman, his childhood best friend and Margot Kingsman, Paul's wife and Zeus former fiancée. He would talk to both, usually Paul over the phone and Margot through e-mails. After all these years it was a miracle if Margot wanted to talk to him altogether. He treated her very poorly years ago. She knew about his life, the untold story of the Olympian family. She knew about the way he was raised, the abuse from his father, the physical and mental scars it left on her fiancé. It never made her look down at him, if anything, she pushed him to become the successful man he was today. Margot was a rare one, brave, resilient and understanding. She loved him more than he deserved even when he rarely was at home because he worked very hard to clean the name of his family after his father was exposed for being a fraud. Margot stayed by his sides even when he virtually became poor and he had to work even harder to provide for his family.

When she told him she was pregnant with their child, Zeus was the happiest man on Earth. He swore to God and the other gods on Earth that he would take care of his child unlike his father did to him. He promised to himself and to her that he would be a different man than his father was and he was excited and thrilled about fatherhood. Zeus started to picture himself bonding with his child over sports if it was his child's interest, or science or frankly whatever his baby would want to do.He wasn't discriminatory. He was not going to fight his offspring regarding its preferences or its identity. He simply wanted his child to feel loved, welcomed and worthy.

Unfortunately, life happened and Margot got sick. Her pregnancy wasn't too far advanced so she miscarried. Zeus was distraught and snapped at this moment. He started to ignore her, came late at home, sometimes didn't even check on her. We could say, he abandoned his fiancée right after she had a miscarriage and later on dumped her over that very tragedy. That was an asshole move. He was an asshole he knew that. He refused to talk about the loss of his potential child, mostly because it hurt and he was ashamed of the way he treated Margot. She was the one who needed him the most and he abandoned her. Plain and simple. He left.

He left because he was scared. For him, it had to be his fault. The fetus couldn't have been viable because he was defective. The child couldn't have been born because it had half of his blood running through its veins. The child couldn't have been a good person anyway because it was his. The mental abuse his father put him through resurfaced as soon as Margot lost her fetus. It wasn't her fault and he never blamed her for it, it was his and his only. How could /he/ produce anything good? He had tried, his company was working but he was feared. People hated him because he was merciless and a shark. People hated him because of his good looks, almost inhuman features and he attracted many people. People hated him because he was the son of his father. Hercules was a fraud, he stole money from so many people rich and poor alike and ruined their lives. He worked along with the Irish mob in money-laundering and put his own son's life in jeopardy. If it wasn't for Kerri Jensen, Zeus would have died on that elevator from the gunshot he received from the mafia's goon.

Zeus roamed his hand over his face, angry at himself about how his life turned into. He fucked up. He knew he fucked up and he wasn't able to fix anything anymore. Margot moved on from him, she found a good man to attach her life to. Paul was a very good man, the best she could have ever found in Zeus' opinion. He loved Margot and from what he told Zeus, she did have a very good life. Margot was better off without him but still. It stung. I should have been his baby. They were supposed to be destined to each other. It should have been his baby and he fucked that up too. He ruined everything he touched, thank you, dad, for that! Hercules always told his son he was a good for nothing, that he was responsible for his mother's suicide, that he was a disgrace and a shame and he wished he had had another child than him to be his heir. He kept forcing Zeus into becoming a monster just like him and after all these years fighting his dad, Zeus realized he was just like him. He became an asshole in order to fight his father and undo the harm he caused others and would most likely end up being alone like his father.

Ah.. wouldn't that be fitting? For him to end up alone like he had always feared he would be? The news of Margot's pregnancy reignited a fire inside of him, opened a wound back. It destroyed him if he was being honest with himself. She was able to move on with her life, be genuinely happy and welcome a new life while he was denied all of it. Well.. not completely. Of course the new prompted him to propose to Irina Tchekovka, the supermodel who happened to also have a master degree in biochemistry. They have been on a long on and off relationship and Irina was truly a keeper. She was simple and kind and loved him despite his many flaws. She was very good to him and yet, he knew he would break her heart. He loved her but wasn't « in love » with her. Never was and never will.No. To make things go from bad to worse, he did fall in love with someone else. A newcomer in his life, the beautiful Asma Jensen.

Asma came into his life like a storm. She wasn't planned, wasn't welcomed -despite him promising her mother he would hire her daughter as a thank you for saving his life- and ultimately had to suffer his mistreatment until she proved herself to be worthy of his attention. She was resilient and good, caring even. She took care of him when he was drunk when he was still hurting from the gunshot wound when he was finding himself in predicaments. She proved herself to be useful to him, but more than that. She saw the asshole he was and stuck by him despite that. She was able to get him at the most genuinely around her, get him talk about secrets and feelings he kept to himself, made him fall in love with her. Shit ! That was it! He was in love with her but he broke her heart several times already. She couldn't possibly still love him when he was being so heartless. No ?

Well, even if he had a reasonable doubt, Zeus knew that she would not forgive him after he proposed to someone else. He chose Irina because she was less problematic and far away from his real issues. She was oblivious to what he was doing, of his mission to undo the harm caused by his father and his willingness to mingle with a known criminal to get the job done. She was convenient and practical and he cared about her enough to see himself married to her. He chose Irina in spite of Asma claiming her love for him a few days ago. He told her that he would break her heart because it was what he always did. He took everything from people only to smash their hearts onto the ground and stomp on it with his heels. He destroyed. He fucking did. And the day she learned about his engagement (through broadcasted news Tom put on purpose), he almost could hear her heart break. He watched as she stiffened and held back tears so she could save face and later on when she went to his office, she simply congratulated him on his engagement and put her reports on the table. He didn't say anything, what could he say save « Thank you » and she left, but it didn't escape from him that she was distraught.

He had two hearts in his pockets and he already knew he would destroy both of them. Nothing could go right because he didn't know how to do it otherwise. He simply took and took all that people had to offer to him and then he destroyed every little thing he had built with them. Paul blessed his soul, was by his sides only because he was a loyal man with principles. Margot stayed because they were childhood friends and she knew him more than he did know himself, even though they never met face to face after he left. She stuck to writing him emails and occasionally have him over the phone but not more than that. Seeing him was too much for her, too painful and it was better this way for him too. He was better off alone, wasn't he? But could he be? Zeus knew that he desperately needed company and wouldn't do good on his own. Maybe that made him a slut but all these years going from one bed to another was only the result of him trying to find another Margot. Irina was his Margot. Asma was a forbidden fruit. She already had a bad taste of how painful it could be to live with a man like him so he didn't try to think too much about it.

That was his excuse. It all fell down the drain whenever he saw her beautiful face. She had to force herself to spend her days by his sides. It was her job, she was his personal assistant, which made it even more painful for both of them. Zeus had to pretend he didn't care, but he could see her heartbreak and in return, it broke his heart. He could have easily said yes and tried to go out with her, but he didn't and deep down, he knew that it was because he was afraid that something worse might happen to her. He was afraid that she might even suffer more than she already did because his love was toxic, his genuine unbridled love was a catastrophe and it was better if he saved her from all of this, from himself. That was why he chose Irina. Because it was the easy way.

But they would both suffer from his hand. They would both suffer because of him. It was always his fault, wasn't it?

(TBC)