Random thoughts: I used to be naive.

Ah, I don't know if it's because people feel emboldened to be assholes or if they simply stopped caring about others. I don't know what it is that makes people so nasty to others. 

I used to believe that as time moved forward, so would people. I believed that we would all be smart, empathetic, kind, and caring towards others. I believed that all the petty differences between us would be overlooked in favor of the content of our hearts. After all, we're humans. We roughly want the same thing: to be happy, to be healthy, to have a job, to be able to care for those we love...we want to feel safe and we want to be loved.  I really used to believe that once this was known by everyone, then there would be no need for war, for violence, and for hatred. 

That was super naive. Mankind is not like this. 

I realized now, that we really do live in eternal cycles. For every progress, there is a setback whether major or minor.  That we repeat the same mistakes and we can't escape our violent nature. That's what mankind is. A complex being with complex emotions that can't be controlled no matter how hard some would try. Humans make choices, every day. To be the better version of themselves, to be good, or to be a cunt just because they can.  After all, it's easier to go this way rather than try and better oneself.  

I know it, I've had a moment in my life where I was going through the slippery slope of fear and anger and I had to remind myself that the many are not responsible for the violence/ errors/ whatever you call it of the few. I had to work hard for me to stop seeing everyone as a potential aggressor because they weren't responsible for those who assaulted me. It took its time, but I was stronger for it.  I chose love. I chose compassion. I chose to care. But I am also aware that many won't choose it. 

Many would be assholes. 

Many would hurt others. 

And these days, it just feels as if there are too many of them. 

not enough kind souls. But then, I remember that the weakest are the loudest, especially when they are mean. They can try to stir the pot, they won't make the world like them. 

December 2022

Let's finish the year beautifully. 

Let's shed our old skins and reveal our new ones. 

Let's forgive our enemies but not forget their evil deeds.

Let's bleed our griefs into the void for we will be reborn anew.

I am offering you my hand, 

Take it and let me lift you up. 

Take it, and let me protect you. 

Take it, and let's enter 2023 stronger than ever,

Together.

The end of 2022

 How to define 2022?

As usual, the wonderful art (and tradition) by the wonderful artist Lelia.  I fell in love with her art in 2011 and as soon as she started this tradition, I just embraced it all together :D  With this, of course, I always attached a little reflection on the year that passed and wishes for the year to come. 

Complex. Intense. Fulfilling...

I will start by wishing you the best holiday season to all of you.  I know that the year has been quite intense for some of you, quite fulfilling for others, and quite exciting as well. I can only hope that 2023 would sort things out in a positive way. I can only hope that you will keep on exploring and experimenting. I can only hope that you will keep on taking care of yourselves, your needs, your dreams, and your desires and for those who couldn't rest this year, I can wish you all the rest possible. I know it's a bit cheesy, but I really want you to have a better 2023, far better than 2022, and be much happier. 

Man, I thought 2021 would be the end of it, but then my dad was diagnosed with a serious illness that nearly took his life. Some friends still got that short end of the stick. Despite my good intentions, the holiday season at the end of 2021 was a nightmare because I thought I would lose my dad. I had to make some sacrifices I won't discuss here but, things looked bleak on my end. I am still hurting from the death of my friend Colleen and that only stressed me about losing my loved ones. 2022 was tough, honestly, I spent the whole year terrified and exhausted. Being the caretaker of my dad, while also ensuring that my sisters didn't burn out had been extremely challenging.  To make matters even worse, not only were we forced to move out of the house we rented (the owner wanted to sell it), but my twin sister got recently diagnosed with another serious illness that left me terrified of losing her too. So of course, the end of that year is spent packing, supervising visits to our house, and caring for my twin while she's still working. it's rough, but we take it one day after the other.  And I can only hope that the worst of it is behind us.

The year had not just been challenging. I count my blessings because I was able to have a very intense and positive year at a very personal level. My partner and I keep on strengthening our bond. I'm happy with him. I really am. I finished my first draft. Proofread it and will be ready to correct, translate and professionally edit the book come next year. It's something I never thought could happen. I have been working on the book for so long now and had to build everything from scratch,  I had doubts, hesitated, hated myself and cried and screamed, and tried to delete everything but in the end, I made it happen. I finished the first draft and I am motivated to keep on working on it and finally present to you a final product. This is extremely exciting and I feel grateful to have been able to get there. I count my blessings because I was able to travel more this year. I discovered Italy, the UK, and Greece, and returned to Belgium and some other places in France. I conquered my fear of planes, and I conquered my fear of the sea (and the cold sea at that) and that felt great. I swam at sea!!! 

I count my blessings because this had also been a year that tested my friendship with people. It helped me go deeper with some of them and cut ties with some others that were not positive for me. Sometimes, no matter how much you love someone, if spending time with them or interacting with them in one way or another end up making you feel awful, then it's best to put an end to it.  I feel better, definitely better because of this. I felt privileged to share my friends' important moments and to be a friend to them to my best abilities.  I was able to meet new people, broaden my cycle of friends, to grow more comfortable in my skin. I still continue my therapy, still, take care of my mental health and still fuel my creativity.  It's been a really good year and I really loved it. I can only wish that the year to come, would top it off or be even better. 

I really hope that you will have a wonderful end of the year and that 2023 would treat you better. 

May

mischievious

Mischievious: It's an adjective. One of those that never really was said about her. Well, she was mischievous, when you know how to address her. When you went past her defense mechanism and she put down the gun.

Mischievious: Often goes hand in hand with laughter and a generally good mood. She could be the happiest person you'd ever see, but her smile and her peace always came after a big battle. The kind you don't want to fight.

Mischievous: The ultimate barrier broken. Her barriers. The most you'd get from her would be contempt and maybe a chuckle. She would worry about you, she would take care of you, she would give everything she has and is for you but you wouldn't get to know her. Her barriers are always up, always high, always so damn hard to break and working against her. She would lower them because for her, she's protecting /you/. You won't see her laugh or feel relaxed and open until she feels mischievous.

Mischievous: It is Freedom. A state of mind where one is true to oneself. There is nothing to hide when you want to prank a loved one. Nothing motivates you more than just get a good laugh out of it. She would laugh, she would smile, she would open up to you and allow you inside. She would accept your love and take it in, the fact you care so much would disarm her but she would appreciate it. You would know the glory of her joy and the darkness of her sadness. You would see her broken heart and yet, the tiny bits of Hope holding the place together. You will see her in all her glory, her soul naked for the eye to see.

And she would glow and glow and glow so brightly

Hope might burn your eyes.

Mischievious: It's what you're wishing for. her to feel,

I love you but I am not brave enough to say it out loud

"I sometimes wish I didn't exist for I would not know the torments of loving you. I sometimes wish you could feel the intensity of that love too. It's never ending... but along with it comes the fear of failing those I love the most, including you, especially you.

I can't stomach to fail you when you most need me. I very often worry if I am enough or if this love is Worth your time and attention. I very often need to be reminded the simplest things... such as what you feel for me. Listen carefully... It's precisely because I am in love with your soul and theirs, with each one of your perfect "imperfect" beings that I am scared the way I am.

What if you wouldn't want to look at me and my scars the way you are doing today. I wouldn't bear it. this is why I tend not to show them to you and handle them on my own in fear of losing you. But you know me well.. you always see when something's wrong.

But I am serious. There are days when it's too much for me to handle, that love I have for you.. the one I have for them because you could walk away in just a blink of an eye and I would be alone. I can deal with being alone. I can deal with solitude. I just can't deal with loss.... I can't deal with losing you. I don't want to. I love you...Yet, I won't even be able to send you this text. See how much of a coward I could be? I'll let it hang there, save it on my phone and look at it when I feel the panic overwhelming me. I love you...I am in love with you. I just wish I was brave enough to say it out loud."