TB: mourning is for the wicked

TB: Mourning is for the wicked

xxxxx

Sara sat on the couch in her recording studio. It was summer, and she was wearing a pair of denim shorts, tennis shoes, and a large black t-shirt. Her hair was tied in a high braided ponytail. The supe fanned herself and allowed her eyes to wander on the wall before her. She looked at her accomplishments displayed on the wall. Her platinum singles, her most popular albums, pictures of her biggest tours.. Her entire professional life was ahead of her. Unnamed Girl: Such a popular and successful singer! Such a beloved star with just enough information for the world to know her. An orphan, a self-made woman who met that one single manager who saw the raw talent and uncut diamond she was. Before she met Homelander and Ryan, she believed that her career was the only thing she could take pride in.  She had tried to form relationships before, but they all failed, leaving her a little more miserable after each breakup. Long before she met with John, Sara felt a void inside her heart that couldn't be filled. Nothing she did was a permanent solution. The tours and the contact with the fans filled her with immense joy, but the nights she performed only left her feeling empty and depleted the morning after such a high. Her OnlyFans gave her some joy, but it was always short-lived. There was still a need for another show, a need for more comments from her fans, a desperate need for constant adoration that wasn't even fulfilling. The only thing she had for herself was her career, the accolades, and the awards she won. 

With Homelander and Ryan, things have changed. She felt that she had found something bigger than titles and awards. She found something bigger than her own fame. She found a family.  She found peace with people who loved her for who she was and who didn't want her to become something she wasn't. There was a freedom she never had before and a sense of belonging she finally had after chasing it for so long. Her eyes averted from the wall to the door that opened on Ryan. He had been looking for Sara after playing video games with the children of Unnamed Girl's crew, who were hanging out with their parents.  He knocked before opening the door, which allowed Sara not to be scared by the noise the door made. He gave her a sheepish smile and walked into the room, kicking the door closed with his heel. She patted the couch, and when he sat next to her, the supe ran her fingers through his blonde mane.  He smiled and playfully shook his head so she would stop messing with his hair.

"I'm glad to have you here, Ryan. Did you enjoy yourself, Big Guy?" -He nodded and looked around for snacks.  He noticed the huge bottle of soda and grabbed it.- "I'm glad you did. I'm done for today, do you want to hang out at my favourite ice-cream shop?"

"Yeah!" -He grinned and took a sip of the soda that was in his hands- "When I walked in there, you were upset. Is everything alright?"

"I was just thinking about my life before I met you and your dad. In this room, there are all of my accomplishments. You can see all the awards I've won, the posters of the movies I've starred in, and pictures of my best concerts... Everything that is related to my career as a singer. I used to think that there was nothing else I could have had. I used to think that I was never going to be happy in my personal life. I was so wrong. I met you. I met your dad, and you both changed my life for the better, Love. You both made me happy.  It's just... I was so convinced I couldn't be loved that it all felt like a dream when I met you. I was convinced that it wouldn't last or that you would just get bored with me. Yet here you are. Visiting me often, spending time with me... I couldn't have asked for better."

"Yeah? Then why were you upset, Sara?"

"I... Thought of my parents. I wanted them to see what I became all by myself. I wanted them to see me be happy for the first time in a long time. I wanted them to see all the things I was able to do despite them claiming I was good for nothing. I wanted them to know that they didn't destroy the little girl I was. That I became stronger. I not only survived, but I also thrived. I wanted to spit in their faces, to tell them that they were good-for-nothing parents. They never loved me. They never cared for me. They never wanted me to be happy. I wanted to scream in their faces that they were losers. In life and in death. I wanted to lash out at them, asking my mom why she stole that compound V and made an enemy out of Vaught. I wanted to do so many things and say so many things that I know I can't because they're dead. That's why I was upset, because ultimately, I can't mourn for them. I can't...I don't want to, and at the same time, that little girl I was wished things were different. She grew up loving her parents, and she misses them. Yeah.. I miss them. I hate them. I wish they were still alive, but I know that I would never be where I am if they hadn't died. So it's messy... I'm a bit of a mess. I'm sorry, Ryan." 

She wiped out the tears that had rolled down her cheeks and looked at Ryan, who simply put his hand above the one that was resting on her thigh. He looked at her with concern in his face and searched for a way to calm the woman down. He figured out that reaching out to her hand was the most efficient way to help her deal with her emotions, and he gave her a sheepish smirk.  Sara's gaze softened, and she gave him a warm smile. Ryan was a cute child. His mother taught him empathy, and she could tell he was being empathetic to her.  Sara looked at the teenager and nodded quietly. She couldn't possibly let this poor child see her be vulnerable like that. She was the adult here, and she was the one who should be offering protection and comfort. She dried her tears and grabbed the bottle of soda to take a sip too. She tickled him, and the two chuckled for a moment until Sara strangely felt cold. Without a warning, she grabbed onto Ryan's arm and quickly stood up with him.

"What's going on, Sara?"

"We have to get out there, baby. It's dangerous!" -She could barely speak. He noticed how tense her body was, and his senses, everything in him told him that Sara was scared. It wasn't just her being worried. No!  She was trying to escape. He wanted to scan the area to see where the threat was and if he could take it out, but she kept pulling on his arm and trying to force him to follow her. As soon as they stepped into the hallways, they felt as if they were in a freezer. Her throat tightened, and she squeezed Ryan's hand harder. 

"What's going on??? Tell me." -He looked past his shoulders and tried to see what was happening, but she was going so fast that he didn't see anything-

"We have to get outta here! Please! Please! Please!" -She kept talking to herself until they reached the emergency stairs-

The doorknob had been frozen.  She searched for a way to break the ice and looked up to the glass where a message written on ice spelled "Sara. You will always belong to me." She screamed, released Ryan's hand, and fell on her knees. How did he find her?? How did he find her? Her eyes filled up.  Ryan panicked and grabbed her shoulders. He tried to give it a shake or two to no avail. Sara wasn't responsive. He turned around to look at the message and back at Sara's shocked face.  His focus shifted to the woman who was shivering. Her lips were trembling, and he could see the goosebumps that covered her skin. It felt as if she was locked in a traumatic memory, something Ryan had never seen before but was quick to understand. What he didn't understand, however, was what or who could have hurt her so bad that she was shaken like that. His superhearing helped him pick up the distressing voices of the people in the building. He realized that someone had broken in, and someone was trying to take Sara away from his dad.  Away from him! His eyes glowed a red color, and he stood before  Sara, arms spread so he could quickly protect her if anything went her way. 

"Show your face! Leave Sara alone! Leave her alone!" -He yelled. His eyes scanned the area with his X-ray vision.- 

He noticed that some of Sara's crew were locked in rooms and others were injured or freezing to death. His friends were locked in rooms, but they were safe, which made Ryan sigh in relief. He then noticed the intruder. It was a man he had never seen before, and the one responsible for the ice that engulfed the whole studio. A supe?  That meant that he had to be the one to stop him. Ryan fled towards him, fist first, as he decided it would be best to take out that stranger, but he found himself trapped in ice from his neck to his toes. His eyes were blocked by an "ice mask" that wrapped around his head. His ears picked up the noise of footsteps. His heart beat faster as he was thinking of how distraught Sara was and how vulnerable at this moment she was as well. Brett -because it was that bastard-  finally appeared before him. He was a tall man with shoulder-length black hair he tied in a low ponytail. He was wearing a blue leather jacket, a black t-shirt, and a pair of black denim jeans. 

"My my my! I didn't know Sara was hanging out with Homelander's kid, but here you are.  I guess you're a fan of her work as Unnamed Girl, aren't you?"

"Leave her alone! Asshole!" -Brett laughed and wagged his finger- "What do you want from her?"

"Sara's mine, little buddy. She knew for weeks that I was in town and was going to take her back. I'm not going to do anything to her, kid. I just wanted to warn her for the last time. She can try to run away from me, she can move out of her place, change the location of her studio, heck, she can even date someone else, but ultimately, she would always come back to me." -Brett grinned. He didn't understand why the son of the most powerful man in the whole world would bother with someone like Sara. Being stupid, he only assumed that Ryan was just a fan of his former girlfriend. He couldn't even think about Ryan being close to Sara. Why would he?-

"Why would she do that?" -He asked. The ice was powerful, and he had never been in a similar situation before. Ryan realized that he needed to focus if he wanted to set himself free from the ice, but it was very difficult to do when this asshole was nearby, taunting him, talking shit about Sara. So Ryan was more agitated, and the more he was, the harder the ice solidified against him. Because of his young age, he wasn't able to calm down and break from the ice. He couldn't get to her fast enough. He couldn't get to her!-

"Because she's nothing without me. She thought she could be her own person, that she could be happy without me, but I know she's not. She can't be. She needs someone to tell her what to do and what to think. She needs someone to lead, not some schmuck who will do her bidding. Not some idiot who will tell her that she's beautiful and deserving of being loved. Not a simp. She needs an Alpha like me because I am the only one who can give meaning to her pathetic little life." -He then shrugged- "But you're a kid, what do you know about love and grown-ups' business? Be a sweet kid and shut the fuck up. I'm leaving. She knows I'm onto her."

Brett walked away from the building and waited until he was far away from it to melt his ice. As soon as Ryan was free, he rushed to Sara's side, who was now sitting on her heels, fingers sunk deep into her black mane, and her makeup melted through her tears and onto her cheeks. He gently wrapped his arms around her shoulders and pulled her into a hug. "He's gone, Sara. He's gone. Please.. come back." He begged and begged and begged until finally Sara snapped back and held onto him as hard as she could. She cried and pulled him into a tight hug. It was awful. Brett was becoming bolder and bolder, which indicated that he was getting ready to make his final move. She wasn't ready. She wasn't ready at all. 

-TBC-

Rp splove: Mine: Sara edition

🎤 For Sara, Homelander is like sugar. She’s addicted to him. To his touch, to his voice, to his face, and his love. She is addicted to everything about him and some more. Sara can’t get enough of him. She always wants to see him, to cuddle him, and stay with him. She craves his company, his smiles, his laughter. For Sara, Homelander is like a good childhood memory. The type that makes her smile. The type that makes her chest feel warm and fuzzy. The type that makes her feel even more in love with him. Homelander is the answer. He is the answer to that question that haunted her since she was a child, “Am I enough?”  No one but Homelander loves her for who she is. No one but Homelander makes her feel like she is worth being loved. He is her everything. 

For Sara, Homelander is hers because only she can give him milk like that. Only she can feed her man and care for him while he drinks. Only she can feel in tune with him. Excited, aroused, needy for him like she is. Only she can make him say her name over and over again. Only she can make him feel weak in the knees, and patiently wait for her because he knows there is a reward there. And she loves every part of him. John, Homelander, anything in between.  For Sara, Homelander is hers in a way that would make it impossible for them to even look another way. She only has eyes for him; however, he wants to dress or be addressed. She only has needs for him. And with him, she can use her powers in creative ways.

Trivia about our characters: Homelander

// It's for safekeeping. We never know what could disappear.  -it comes right from N's mouth-

Homie - Wants to introduce Sara to Ryan. He wants his girl to meet his son. He is of course, confident that they will love each other and get along so well. (it is what he wants to happen). He wants the three of them to spend time together.

Homelander - Our narcissistic little showman. Now, she already indulges his biggest kink. We know that.

But I can see him pushing the boundaries in more... public settings. Taking her to her balcony, up to a rooftop, bending her over the ledge and... letting the whole damn city hear how good he can make his girl feel.  It's a power thing, like a 'fuck you' to the whole world. She's mine, fuck you.

TB: It's a cruel world, Sara -Sage x Sara-

"What's your goal, Sara?" -Sage's voice pierced the silence nicely settled in the laundromat.- 

It startled Sara, who gasped and turned around to face the person talking to her. It was a familiar face, despite never having met in person. Sara was certain she had already seen her somewhere, maybe on TV. As her mind tried to figure out the identity of the person talking to her, her eyes never left her.  The woman before her was wearing a long grey T-shirt and a pair of khaki cargo pants. She seemed innocuous, but something sinister was pervading the air. Sara knew by then that people were always more than they looked. She addressed her by name and stood there alone, confident as if she knew something she shouldn't. As if she had figured Sara out. Being careful, the singer decided to play dumb at first. 

"I'm sorry, have we met before? I don't remember you." She plastered a fake smile on her lips and decided to treat her like a fan of Unnamed Girl who had found where the megastar lived-

"We've never met; that's why.  I think I haven't been clear enough before, so let me rephrase my question. What's your goal with Homelander, Unnamed Girl?"

Sara froze. How did she know her secret identity? Who was this woman? Her eyes grew wide, and she took a couple of steps back, hitting the washing machine with her back. The woman who was wearing dreadlocks had a pair of sunglasses on and seemed so nonchalant about everything that crossed the distance between the two of them, making Sara feel cornered. She could have left right now, but if she exposed her powers, it would confirm to the woman that she was Unnamed Girl, and that was something Sara didn't want. 

"I am not Unnamed G--"

"Stop playing with me. I know that she's your alter ego, Sara. I also know that you're dating Homelander. Did you really think that it would go unnoticed by me? I get it; you started seeing each other before I was recruited. I get it. you wanted your relationship to be secret so you wouldn't have to deal with Ashley and her schemes or the press and their bullshit. I get it. But now? I need to know exactly what that relationship you have is about."

Sara panicked. She couldn't help but frantically start to tuck her hair behind her ears.  She didn't know how to get herself out of that situation because she felt exposed. Even if that woman was bluffing, Sara's reaction betrayed the truth. She couldn't keep her hands off of her hair and couldn't pretend that this woman before her was talking nonsense. What did she want? Sara was starting to wonder if she wanted money or maybe power over her. Should she kill her? The laundromat was empty right now, but it only was a matter of time before someone came back in. It was too risky to try anything and she couldn't fucking focus on her powers to use them correctly. Instead, she was frozen on the spot and unable to tear her eyes off of the woman. Where did she see her again? Her face was way too familiar for her to ignore.  Sara's eyes went from left to right and she looked up to her face. Sage! She was Sister Sage! She was the most intelligent person in the whole world, and lying to her was fruitless. 

"I remember where I saw your face. You're Sister Sage!"

"Sage! Just..... Sage." She dryly said.

"Sage! I knew it!" She ran her hand through her hair and chewed at her bottom lip.- "Why are you here?"

"I am the one who asked you a question first! " she pointed out and crossed her arms above her chest. "So be a good girl, Sara, and answer me!" 

"Why do you care?"-Sara defiantly asked, her black eyes slowly turning purple. Sage didn't budge. She expected Sara to try and show some bite, so it made her grin-

"I like to know things, especially about Homelander. I'd also want to know your end goal with him."

"My end goal?" -Sara scoffed and lifted a brow.- "My end goal? Not only do you come here, uninvited, but you start to spout my secret identity out loud because you fucking want to show off that you have a big brain? And you dare accuse me of having an end goal with the man I'm dating?? Sis, I'm sorry but I'm not giving you a pass because you're his right-hand man or whatever bullshit you're doing over there!" She straightened up, furious by the implication that she was not genuine with Homelander. She was, and she refused to be treated like a thief or a gold digger. Sage curbed a brow and then started to laugh-

"Am I supposed to be scared right now?" -Sara wasn't terrifying, at least not with the current display of emotions. If anything, it indicated that she had some spunk and an ego sufficiently big for her to react the way she did. Good! Sage could work with that.-

"Bitch, cut the crap! You think that I'm not a threat, that I'm a coward who would rather leave than fight, and in most cases, you'd be right! I don't like to get involved in bullshit and even less to put my life in danger. But here's where you're wrong about me! I don't play when it comes to kids, to Ryan, and to Homelander!" Her eyes flashed a bright purple light, and she pointed to the washing machines that started to shake. She was ready to use her powers against Sage if that could put that threat down. Sage didn't flinch, but she made mental notes about the whole situation-" You want to know what's the deal with Homelander and me? He's the man I love. He's the man I want to live with until one of us or both of us die. He's the man I will protect at /any/ cost! So let me make myself perfectly clear! You're not going to threaten me and get away with it! You're not going to threaten him with my life, and you're certainly not going to use me for whatever petty gain of yours!" 

Sara's anger was palpable. The washing machine at the extreme right of her started to crumble into itself, crushed by the supe's telekinesis. Sage realized that she had struck a nerve rather than intimidated Sara, which made her reconsider her approach to the young woman. She put her hands up, in a clear sign of surrender, and shook her head. No. She didn't want to threaten Sara when she came there. She wanted to see how the woman would react under pressure, and she also wanted to know how serious this relationship with Homelander was. Sara answered both her questions with her reaction, and in a bid to calm the supe down, Sage tried to appear harmless to her. She was bothered a little bit because, despite her beauty, Sara was far from being an airhead. She clocked her act rather quickly, and that could prove to be bothersome in the future. Could it be that her time at the orphanage helped Sara see past the smoke? Her reflection would have to be paused to calm Sara first. 

" Calm down. I didn't want to offend you. It's just that Homelander has been really secretive regarding his relationship with you. He has not said a thing to the seven and has not said a thing to me. I figured it out by myself, and I wanted to know exactly what was going on between you two. I'm not Ashley, I don't care about PR, and I don't want to get in the way of your relationship. But you have to be prepared, Sara. Our enemies aren't a walk in the park. Butcher and the Boys, if they learn about your existence, they are going to use you as a pawn. They'll turn you into a bargaining chip for Homelander."

"Do you think I don't know that? Even without Homelander, I already had my fair share of enemies. Some I even dated. I'm not so blind or naive to think that the most powerful man in the world doesn't have enemies who would want him dead. I know, Sage. I know about the boys, and I know that I have a target on my back because I love Homelander. I even started training more seriously just in case."

"Impressive.... But that's not enough. It's a cruel world, Sara, and if you aren't careful, you'll be swallowed whole." -She sounded almost sympathetic, but Sara felt nauseous upon hearing the woman talk. Nothing she said was genuine. Nothing she said was meant with actual care for her. She did perceive some condescension and that pissed her off-

"Oh! Here you go, lecturing me about the evil of the world as if I didn't know that already. Do you think I was born with a silver spoon in my fucking mouth? Do you think I don't know how cruel that world is already? Quit with he fake concern! I know you don't care! You come here and judge me because what?  Girl, I was given Compound V at 3 years old! I survived that shit! My powers manifested at 5! I relentlessly trained because my parents wanted me to become their cash cow. Did you think they loved me? Mom was too enamoured with money and dad with fame to give a shit about me. My family? They are a bunch of hypocritical religious nuts. They abused me and refused to take me in when my folks were killed by Vaught. I won't even give you the joy to know what happened to me from the moment I stepped into that orphanage up until today! But I have seen up close and personal how cruel this world can be, and I refuse to let it stop me from being happy!  So cut the fucking crap and tell me exactly why you're here."

The washing machine she crushed crumbled again, leaving nothing but a flat blob of metal on the floor. The electric surge made the lights flicker, and the other machines kept shaking. Sara wasn't joking anymore, and Sage realized that if she lost complete control of the situation, perhaps Sara would actually hurt her. So she took a deep breath and kept her hands up. 

"Touché! You're far clever than I gave you credit for, and I apologize for underestimating you. You're right. I wanted something when I came here. At first, I wanted you to stop seeing Homelander because I thought you were a liability to him. but after meeting you, I changed my mind and wanted to see if you were ready to face the ugliness lurking in the dark."

"And what do you think, Sage?" -Sara emphasized her name as if to tell her that she wasn't scared of her. Sage grinned and put her hands on her waist-

"I think you have some spunk. You are determined to protect Homealnder, and it was what I wanted to see. I do have to warn you though, Butcher has lost his freaking mind and if he gets his hands on you, you're as good as dead."

"I will give him hell then." -Sara's response was almost immediate. She then narrowed her gaze and pinched her lips together- "I am not convinced that you've been really truthful with me. It's fair; nobody ever bares their soul to anyone. I wouldn't blame you for wanting to protect yourself. However, Sage, if I see that you're using Homelander and you would not hesitate to throw him under the bus, I will make sure that you won't be able to use that brain of yours for the rest of your life. So be careful, sis.... Thread carefully." -Sara grabbed her bag of clean laundry and walked past Sister Sage.- "And one more thing. If there is a leak about my true identity, I would know it is you, and I will come for you. So you better keep your mouth shut!- She said before she left the laundromat in a hurry. 

Sage curbed a brow and shrugged. This whole exchange really went sideways, didn't it? She thought she had the upper hand and had managed to scare the singer, but it backfired on her. In truth, Sage was a bit flabbergasted at the reactions she got out of Sara Richardson, but she also learned new valuable information. Sara was genuinely in love with Homelander, given how far she was ready to go to protect him. She also was far more cunning than Sage gave her credit for, which meant that if she wanted to use her as a pawn, she had to change the way she went about it. She had to plan better. Sara was quite a traumatized person, which she could exploit for her benefit. After all, she lacked love and, given her career of choice and determination to keep her private life protected, it was clear that she didn't want to disappoint anyone. A people-pleaser? Much certainly! She had some bite, but Sage was the smartest person, and she knew exactly how she could use it to her advantage. It was a little challenge, which brought a smirk to Sage's face. 

-TBC-

TB: Christmas wish

Sara was nervously chewing at the tip of her pen. Her mind has been buzzing ever since the end of November. December was one of the favorite months of the singer because of the holidays taking place. She enjoyed Christmas more than anything and wanted to celebrate this year. It was not a coincidence since this year she met Homelander -John- and Ryan his son and quickly enough, the two of them became her family. She knew it was going very fast, she was being way too fast for her own sake but could she really shake the desire to actually have a relationship with  Homelander and his son? As per usual, when under pressure, the supe started to tuck her hair behind her ears. She anticipated rejection from Homelander, and he would be right to deny her because their relationship was so young and he didn't want to subject his son to another debacle like it was with Stormfront. Could she blame him? Ryan had no say in this situation, Stormfront decided to act like his mother and didn't acknowledge the presence of Becca, Ryan's mother. She was a nazi piece of shit who propped Homelander as the poster boy of her rancid ideology and Ryan was just forced to deal with it too. Sara was different. 

She built a relationship with the young boy, one where she was not a surrogate mother nor did she want to erase this relationship from existence. The boy had, unlike her, a parent who genuinely loved him and did her best to protect him. She was the mother Sara wished she had, and a model to follow rather than to try and snuff from his memory. Sara was a friend to Ryan, an adult who understood what it was to become an orphan and to navigate the troubled waters of self-hatred and a desire for more. She understood him, to some extent of course, and she was willing to scold him if there was a need for him and "parent" him because the child still needed a structure. She was ready to be this active in the life of this child and to treat him like she wished she was by her own parents. Funny, wasn't it?  All her life, Sara had wanted to have a family of her own, people to love and to be loved by them. She thought she had it with Tara and later on with Brett but they weren't interested in having a family. They didn't want to give her the space to make dinner and decorate her apartment in the spirit of the holidays and it made her grow frustrated as time went by.  Now that they were out of her life, Sara felt the urge to genuinely and unapologetically celebrate the holidays with the people she loved. 

Still, the idea that she might be rejected stressed her out and she couldn't bring herself to write to Homelander. If she had a request to make, she would have to make it face to face and risk being rejected in her face. It was scary, but it was necessary and Sara was willing to try her luck and to try and convince him. Homelander, as far as she knew, had never really celebrated the holidays. She saw ads and commercials but it was all PR. He never actually spent time with his "so-called" family. He never enjoyed the holidays as they were supposed to be, a moment to gather as a family and to love one another. She had already made lists of gifts she could buy or make for the boys and had already thought about several menus she would suggest. It had to be a family tradition and it had to involve the three of them. Yet, no matter how positively she envisioned the moment she would request it, Sara felt the knot in the pit of her stomach grow bigger and bigger to the point of forcing her to stop pacing around and put her hand on her stomach. If Dotty knew what she was up to, she would have scolded her protegée so hard, that Sara would have turned 7 again.  She would have advised against making something like this in fear of Homelander losing his mind but Sara knew better. She knew her baby. She knew he wouldn't hurt her and would not reject a chance at being a family with her. All she had to do was to prepare her speech and reassure him. Everything would be fine! 

Everything should be fine!

TB headcanon: She doesn't like when he's hurt

Sara doesn't like to see her when her baby is hurt. She is willing to go to great lengths to either help him feel better or destroy whoever made him feel that way. 

Obviously, it doesn't mean that she would risk her life and face the boys for example. She wouldn't put herself in danger, at least not willingly, because she's still a scaredy-cat and still very passionate about surviving. 

But if she can confront the person and read them to filth? oh, count her in!

TB: Bonding with Ryan again.

 As soon as Ryan saw Sara he ran to her and gave her a big hug. He was happy to see the older woman who offered to take him on a date so they could bond and eat ice cream. Homelander dropped his son at her apartment in the morning and informed the pair he would come back when he wouldn't be needed at work. They kissed briefly before he flew off to the tower. She then turned to look at Ryan who was already staring at the pictures scattered around the apartment. He noticed that there were very few pictures of Sara as a child or with her family. He saw the one she took with Dotty at the swimming pool and pointed at it while looking at Sara. 

"It's the only picture of you with someone."

"I don't have a lot of pictures I like." She replied earnestly. - "But it's not really the question you wanted to ask, is it?" -He shook his head and walked to the kitchen counter.- "Go ahead. Ask me what you really want to ask."

"Why don't you have a picture of your family?" 

Sara smiled and gently walked towards the fridge. She grabbed some ice cream and put a couple scoops in two bowls. She didn't expect to be asked a soul-piercing question so early in the morning and was wondering how she was going to respond to him. She had to be honest, to answer truthfully because Ryan would not appreciate being lied to. She didn't want to hide that part of herself either but was afraid of how she would talk about it. She pinched her lips together and slowly put the bowls on the kitchen counter. She then went and grabbed some spoons. She handed the spoons and sat on the stools at the kitchen table.

"It's a long and not-so-nice story, Ryan. Are you sure you want to know?"

"yeah. I want to know."

"Well....My parents always told me that my powers were a gift from god. I didn't know any better because I was just a 5-year-old girl. They were very stern and cold parents to me. When I didn't perform well, they punished me very very hard." -She paused for a second and then took a deep breath- "it felt like a prison rather than a family. I grew up without having friends and because I became the sole breadwinner of the family, I had to work hard every day and earn money for my family."

"They never celebrated your birthday?"

"They only did it once, when I was 5 years old. Most of the time they left me at my aunt's place and with my cousins while they spent the money I earned for them. My cousins hated me, so I always came home with bruises and wounds but my parents never cared for this." -She took a spoonful of ice cream and ate some, while Ryan mimicked her and took some too.-

 Sara's voice started to crack as she told her story. She didn't want him to see her lose her composure or try and dig deeper into her past. Being truthful and clinical seemed to be the way to go as it allowed the supe to tell her story without feeling like crumbling down. Ryan was perceptive, he realized that it was hurting Sara to remember her past but before he could tell her to stop if she didn't feel like it, she resumed talking. 

"Then, when I was 15 they were murdered. Back in the day, we didn't know who did it, but rumors had it that they had wronged Vaught. I learned not so long ago that it was true. Mom stole from Vaught the Compound V that gave me my powers. Nobody in my family wanted to take me in, thinking I was the child of the devil, so I went to an orphanage and stayed there until I turned 18 and met Dotty, the blonde woman in the picture you saw on my fridge." She then furrowed her brows- "That is why I don't have any picture of my family." She then gave a faint smile at Ryan who nodded quickly. 

"It sucks..."

"It sure does! But hey, I'm alive!" -She grinned and gently reached out to his head so she could stroke it gently. Ryan gave her a crooked smile and resumed eating his ice cream- "And I'm with you today, so more reasons to be happy. I have been wondering, do you think that you'd like it if we took a picture with your dad? I've been wondering if this was a good idea, you know?"

"I'd like to have a picture, an actual picture, and not some PR stunt! If we took one, where would you put it? On your fridge?" -She shook her head- "You're going to frame it?" -She nodded and he grinned- "Cool!"

"Cool!" -Sara grinned and then looked at her fridge. She understood why the child would have asked her about the lack of family pictures. She never really thought about it before, about the lack of candid shots that showed she had an active and happy private life. Sure, she didn't have her family, but she had been in relationships before, she had a life before...And nothing to show for it. Her black eyes moved from left to right and she furrowed her brows.- "Ryan. Be honest with me. Did you ask to come here or was it your dad?"

"I asked to come. I wanted to spend the day with you. Why?"

"I'm happy you chose to be with me. I can be a little boring though. There's no video games here. I read mostly. I also cook, and I watch TV."

"It's okay. I don't like boring. What do you like to read?"

He was laid back,  far more than she thought he would be for a teenager his age. She tucked some hair behind her ear and gave him a sheepish smile while he kept eating his ice cream. Her fingers tapped against the marble table and she licked her bottom lip. Well, she liked to read fantasy books and romance and sometimes she bought books because she was petty and wanted to laugh, like the Deep's books. She chuckled and pointed at the book that was still on the couch she was sitting on moments earlier.

"I like fantasy and romance, but these days I am laughing at the Deep's biography. He sucks and his book sucks even more." She then leaned her cheeks against the warm palm of her right hand and smiled at Ryan who smiled back at her. He didn't have a definitive opinion on the Deep, mostly because he didn't spend much time with him but he knew that his father hated the supe with all of his guts. He knew that a lot of people didn't like the Deep so it wasn't a surprise to see that Sara laughed at him.- "Maybe we could read it together today and we can have a good laugh?"

"We could! or maybe I could ask you some more questions about your family?"

"Only if I can ask you one about yours!" -He nodded and took another spoonful of ice cream- "Alright. What do you want to know?"

"Well... How did it feel when your parents died? Now that you're a megastar, did your family try to reach out to you? And...Who is your family today?"

"You really pull no punches, do you? mmmhhh, let's see. I was the one who found my parents' bodies. I was scared, but I also felt relieved that they were dead. I was old enough to realize that my parents never loved me and only saw me as a tool for them to use as they saw fit. I didn't like it. I didn't like it at all. I wanted to have parents, people who were supposed to love me, people who were supposed to care for me... instead, I got people who hated me and wanted to use me. So at first, I was shocked. I cried for them. I was scared that whoever did this would try to come for me. But then... I simply sighed and it felt better. I felt warm. I was free! Does that make me look like a monster to you?"

"No. I got it. I understand. They were never your parents, they just brought you into this world but they never were your parents."

"yes..." -She replied, wiping a rogue tear that fell down her cheeks- "As for your second question. My Aunt and cousins tried to reach out to me. Recently. At first, they wanted to undermine me and my success. They called me the devil on TV, they got paid to tell the press about my past and the tabloids loved them for that. Recently, my aunt became very sick so they decided they would try to bully me into giving them money. I refused. I'm not giving them a cent."

"I'm glad they can't hurt you anymore." -He said while taking another spoonful of ice.-

"They will still try and I am sure they will get creative but I am not afraid anymore. I'm not alone." -She then paused for a moment, so she could eat a little bit of ice cream- "And to answer your last question. Dotty is like a mother to me. I consider her like my family and for a while she was the only family I had but then I met your dad and I met you." She then cupped his cheek. "And if you want to be my family, I would be very happy." -He blushed and gave her a crooked smile- "Do you want me to be part of your family?"

"You're...You're pretty cool yeah." -He said, still sheepishly smiling. She understood that he was being coy and didn't insist.- "I know you care about my dad and I know you care about me too. I can feel it." -He added, his blue eyes now set upon the older woman.- "And it feels good to know that."

"Yeah? I have been wondering...Do you... Does your mom have a grave? I was thinking that maybe you would like to visit it sometime and talk to her?" -She watched him stiffen at the mention of his mother and his face darkened a little.-

"I don't want to go to her grave. I don't want to see it! She's dead, Sara! She's dead and I killed her! You said you were a monster, but I am a monster! I am a monster!" -He yelled-

Sara realized that she pushed the wrong buttons on this child and shook her head. She stood up and immediately wrapped her arms around his shoulders to press his head against her heart. He was just a child, he didn't kill his mother on purpose, how could he think that he was a monster when he was far from it? She pressed a kiss to his forehead and then cupped both of his cheeks. 

"You're not a monster, Ryan! You're not a monster! if anything, you're a wonderful kid, okay?! I know you feel responsible for your mom's death but you aren't responsible for it. The adults in your life, Vaught, the boys..even your mom put her life on the line. She knew the risks and she wanted to protect you, what happened wasn't your fault and I refuse to let you think otherwise." She held him so tight in her arms that the child couldn't help but cry. He held onto her and cried harder. "I know you miss her. I know you miss her. I'm so sorry."

He didn't speak but he nodded and Sara knew that he was listening to her.  Her heart broke for the child because unlike her, he had a family that he lost and was missing. She couldn't relate to it but was well aware of how heartbreaking it was to lose someone they cared about. She wanted to protect Ryan and found out that it pained her to see this child hurt. Could it be that she was genuinely attached to the kid? Of course, she was! Of course, she was!

TB: Silver-Fox Homelander

Headcanon: Silver-Fox Homelander

This is a very tricky situation because Homelander doesn't like aging. He doesn't want to grow older and he does everything in his power to hide his greys, cover his wrinkles, and maintain his youthful appearance. Sara is not bothered at all by his age and doesn't mind him going grey and visibly older. Sara thinks that growing old is a privilege in a world where you could die very young. She also thinks that it suits him very well. When they talk about it he makes it clear that he would never ever sport his natural hair. He would dye them blonde (or black when incognito) until the day he died.  She still tries to soothe him by ensuring him that he will always be the love of her life and the most handsome man she's ever seen. 

TB: There is a thrill that keeps you on your toes.

There is a thrill that keeps you on your toes when your lover is the most dangerous man in the whole world. You know he would never hurt you, because he said so, because he showed you how much he cares for you and that he would protect you rather than hurt you. 

There is a thrill that keeps you on your toes when he is angry at someone. His eyes turn red, and violence is promised and you know that if he can't punish the person who angered him, then you can use that pent-up energy for your own benefit. You can transform this desire to kill into a desire to fuck you hard. You can make him love you with a passion you've never seen before. 

There is a thrill that keeps you on your toes when you see him at his worst. You know you should be careful because he is unhinged and yet... yet... yet you can feel the shiver go down your spine and you know you're turned on. Maybe you're messed up, just like him. Maybe you're confident that he would never hurt you and because you trust him with your life, you can abandon yourself to him. 

Maybe.. who cares? 

TB shorts

"Look, Homelander is the one the word "scarouse" was made for. I mean, he's handsome as hell, hot as hell, and I need my baby okay? but when he's upset and dangerous? He's scary... and he's hot at the same time! So I end up having the heebies-jeebies and the wetty wetties. okay?"

xxxx

What does it feel like to be lonely at the top?

Safe would be the first word to come to mind.

Desperate would be the second one.

I stripped all of my layers for you, trusting you will care for the real me.

I lowered all of my defenses for you, trusting that you will care for me.

It's because I wanted you, baby. I wanted all of you.

It's because I trusted you, baby. you'll never hurt me.

I know, I know that I have been had in the past. Put my trust in the wrong people. Gave my love to the wrong people.

But I know that I'm in the right with you.

I know that I'm the right one for you.

I know that you love me.

You love me.

Don't you baby?

xxxx

What do you see when you look at me? The eccentric singer? The energetic artist? The woman in love with you? The Only Fans content maker? The broken-hearted woman? The broken young girl? The unwanted orphan? The abused child? Tell me...which version of me do you see?

xxx

And what if I told you that I couldn't sleep at night without your arms wrapped around my body? And what if I told you that I can't start the day without seeing your face and hearing your voice? What about it? What would you say to it? I have you under my skin and there is nothing that could compare to how you make me feel, baby. I love you.

xxxx

All I wanted, all I ever wanted was to have someone who cared about me. 

All I wanted, all I ever wanted was to have someone who could see me.

Sara...not Unnamed Girl. I needed someone who could see me as I really was. 

Someone who would like me without artifices, makeup, or lies. 

I found it with him. Homelander that is. 

It's absurd come to think of it, how my parents and family could have been different.

They could have loved me, they could have cherished me and I would have given them back tenfolds.

Instead, my parents tried to use me and trained me to become the family money-maker.

Instead, my family ostracized me, thinking of me as nothing less than a monster.

I found love with him. Homelander that is.

xxxx

She was so carefree, and finally her hard work paid off somehow. Sara had always longed for a place to belong, for love, for recognition. She wanted to matter to someone, not just as a singer or an Only Fans model, but also as a person. She was so carefree and could finally look back at her life. She knew that her parents would have hated her career. They would say she was vulgar and was wasting her life and skills. They would have hated her relationships, and disapproved of her sexuality. They would have first encouraged her to date him but then, as his reputation would have deteriorated, they would have urged her to break up with him to protect her brand. To hell with them! To hell with her extended family since they rejected her! To hell with her haters. She was carefree. She was loved. She was there

xxxx

"I used to think that I should give everything to my fans, and don't get me wrong, I love them because they love me. I love them because they put me where I am today. I just want to love myself more and try and find some happiness for myself. So I no longer think that I have to sacrifice everything to my fans and that I deserved to find what would make me genuinely happy too."

xxxx

I use glitter and glamour to hide the pain inside. I use glitter and glamour to pretend that everything is fine. Only those who care about me can see right through me. But who does? Who really cares?

xxxx

"Be careful when you talk to me, I could throw you against a wall if I don't like what you're saying."

xxxxx

"There is Sara and there is Unnamed Girl. I thought I could live without Sara because Unnamed Girl was the one who got most of the love. I wanted to drown the true version of myself since she was hated by those close to me. It could have worked, it would have worked if I had not met The Homelander. He saw through me. He saw the real me. He loves me for me and no one can ever take it away from me."

xxxx

TB trivia : Black haired John

Black-haired "John": 

If there is something Sara loves to talk about, it's Homelander. Whether he's his natural hair color or dyed black, she thinks he's hot and she thinks that she's the luckiest woman alive because her boyfriend is hot. She honestly thinks that he's the hottest thing since water was "invented" and would always make sure he knows she's extremely attracted to him when he's in civilian clothes and incognito. 

She knows she has good taste, especially when he attracts people who shamelessly flirt with him in front of her. It's okay, they can look for all she cares. That only fuels her ego (and she does have some huge ego) and comforts her in the idea that she made the right choice of partner given how irresistible they are. She trusts him and doesn't feel uncomfortable with people trying to seduce him (unless they're too brazen and her territoriality kicks in).  Homelander has always been loyal and she honestly never doubts that he is loyal to her. 

Sara RAVES about him. If you're a friend, a colleague, or even the stranger in the park, she would be his biggest cheerleader and would always find something nice to say about him. Truth be told, and unhinged persona aside, he honestly is a handsome man and she genuinely loves him. Because she does, she will be his first and biggest hypeman and will make sure that the whole world knows how in love she is with him. (and horny for him too... cause she's a horndog, you know?) Black-haired John truly has her panties in a twist, and he knows it and plays into it.

TB: love persevered.

Sara has had her heart broken so many times. She didn't know a human being could handle so much pain in such a long time. The constant slew of betrayals she experienced should have hardened her heart but ultimately, it kept it soft. It kept it kind and it kept it hopelessly romantic. 

From the moment she was born, Sara had never known true love. Her parents used her for fame and money. They even went as far as to inject her with compound V. They exploited her until they both were killed by Black Noir. At the orphanage, she fell in love with Mallory... another teenager who became her first love. Mal taught her that she could be loved but ultimately, her demons were so overwhelming that she left Sara. Brett and Tara both left her and left Sara heartbroken and alone. 

So how could she still believe in love? How could she believe that she was worthy of being loved and cared for?  She had no answer for that and decided not to try and find it. Her heart had been torn apart, broken into pieces, and stomped on. Still, love persevered. Wasn't it a miracle?

TB: They say he is scary.

They say he is scary, they say he's a monster but I can't hear that noise. I can't see him as such because I know he wants to protect our species. I can't see him as such because he's always so good with me.  

They don't know him like I do. They don't love him like I do. They don't see just how much care and love he has for his kind and how much he wants to protect his family...How sensitive he can be. I guess it's because of his powers or maybe because he is charismatic. 

I don't know but I feel bad for him. I feel bad that people don't want to see him for who he is but don't fret my love. I am here. I love you and I will make sure that you never feel alone. 

TB: headcanons: Homelander and Sara's love!

 Homelander's passion only matches Sara's. She loves his kisses, she loves his cuddles, and she loves when he touches her and holds her in his arms. She loves the way he loves her and she honestly can't think of living her life without him in it. Homelander gives Sara what she has always lacked: love and affection.

xxx

Homelander's hair dye and stubble work so well that nobody can tell it's Homelander. Sara loves his blonde hair but she also loves when he grows a beard and when he dyes his hair. It turns her on so much that she can't keep her hands off of him when he is "John".

xxx

Sara has freckles that cover her whole body. It took a while for her to grow comfortable into her own skin. She discovered a new love for her body, for her freckles and the affection from Homelander transformed her.

xxx

"Look, Homelander is the one the word "scarouse" was made for. I mean, he's handsome as hell, hot as hell, and I need my baby okay? but when he's upset and dangerous? He's scary... and he's hot at the same time! So I end up having the heebies jeebies and the wetty wetties. okay?"

TB: Then there is

 Then there is the way he looks at me which makes me weak in the knees. 

He sees me as I am. He loves me as I am. I know he loves me, he hasn't told me yet but I just know he does. Why wouldn't he? 

There it is. The way his face lits up when he sees me. It makes me feel warm and fuzzy because I can see that he's happy to see me. He always drops whatever he's doing to come to me and he wraps his arms around my waist. 

I love it when he pulls me into a hug. 

I love it when he loves me like I deserve. 

I love him.... that's as simple as this. I love him.

40 facts about Sara Richardson

40 FACTS ABOUT SARA RICHARDSON:

A/N: All usual disclaimers!!!!!!! it's just for fun! Sara belongs to me, always

xxx

1. Her full name is Sara Richardson

2. She is a supe. She received compound V when she was still an infant and was gifted with Telekinesis.

3. Sara is a super famous singer. She is Taylor Swift and Beyonce's level of fame.

4. Her extended family refused to take her in when her parents died. They hate her for being a supe.

5. She has freckles all over her body. When she's Unnamed Girl, she covers them with makeup. 

6. She smells like Roses.

7. She used to feel self-conscious about her curves as a teenager but grew to love them.

8. She is not lucky when it comes to love. Her first love Mallory escaped the orphanage and was never seen again. Her second girlfriend, Tara was a manipulative and narcissistic bitch and her last ex, Brett was a violent man who hated her true self and only wanted to benefit from her fame. 

9. Sara is not a bad seen but she's definitely always self-serving. 

10. Sara constantly tucks her hair behind her ears when she is upset or scared. She can't help herself.

11. Sara doesn't want to take part in superheroics. She would not save people if her life was in danger. she's a coward (but she says it's a self-preservation instinct kicking in). However, she would always try to protect children and infants, a far cry from her determination to work with children and protect them from harm. 

12. She is in love with  The Homelander

13.  If Sara had to train and use her powers to their full potential she would have been extremely powerful. 

14.  Sara possesses a high level of telekinetic ability that enables her to psionically levitate and rapidly move about all manner of animate and inanimate matter. She can use her telekinetic abilities on herself or others to simulate the power of flight or levitation. If she trained seriously, she would be able to stimulate molecules to increase friction, create protective force fields out of psychokinetic energy, or project her telekinetic energy as a purely concussive force. The outer limits of her telekinetic power have never been clearly established, though she was capable of lifting approximately fifty tons of rubble with some strain.

16. She is very loving and cuddly. Unfortunately, very few have allowed her to fully express that side of hers.

17. Sara's powers tend to spill when she's under stress. She lactates as a result.  It used to be an inconvenience until she met Homelander. 

18. Dotty is Sara's manager but also a mother figure in her life.  (much to Sara's dismay).

19. She has not killed yet, but would not have any qualms about doing it to save her life or an innocent's.

20. Sara suffers from PTSD from physical and emotional violence against her by Brett and Tara.

21.  Sara loves her double life. She enjoys the quietness of being anonymous when she's her true self.

22. She used to have a sexual relationship with her neighbor Duncan, following her break-up with Brett. They stopped it after a couple months and long before she met Homelander.  He still watches after her and makes sure she's doing fine. 

23. Her apartment has very few pictures of her. It has all of her accomplishments (awards) but very few candid shots of her. It's both a testament to her abusive past relationships and also to her desire to move forward with her life and pretend that part didn't happen. She's not comfortable seeing the faces of the people who wronged her in the past. 

24. Sara's hair is long and bone straight. She does like to curl it up from time to time.  People have accused her of wearing wigs for as long as she can remember but it's simply a side-effect of compound V. 

25. Sara doesn't think of herself as beautiful, she's extremely self-conscious of her freckles and her curves which were not appreciated by her former partners.

26. She is bisexual through and through. 

27. Sara is friends with all the kids. She is usually very kind to them and patient. She loves children and wants to protect them. 

28. Sara is very dramatic. Some of it comes from the trauma of losing her parents young and some of it comes from the fact she's an attention-seeker as well. 

29. She is 25 at the start of the show/story.

30. Sara hates when she's disrespected. She always reads people to filth when they attack her but she could escalate if needs be.

31. Her trauma response can be A breakdown, a meltdown, or even violence.

32.  Due to being abandoned and exploited by the people in her life who should have protected her, Sara is highly dependent on the affection of others. 

33.  One way to fully make Sara fold is to love-bomb her, or if you're more genuine, it's to compliment her and genuinely want to spend time with her.

34.  She loves ice-creams. They are her favorite treat. 

35. She deeply feels alone but deludes herself into feeling otherwise because she has the love of her fans.

36.  Sara suffers from acute loneliness and her visceral need to be loved and to be adored. She fills the void with the love of her fans and her only fans but it is never enough and she ends up craving some more. In truth, she needs to be loved. She needs to be loved properly. 

37. Sara enjoys reading. it's her favorite hobby when she's resting at her home. She lives a very homely life, she bakes, cooks, goes to the laundromat, reads, and drinks at her balcony. She loves to go to the ice cream shop on the corner of the street and she loves it even more when she can go for walks at the park, go to clubs so she can dance all night long, and just live an anonymous and mundane life. 

38.  Sara has a lot of fans but also equally a lot of haters. She ignores them and doesn't focus on their negative remarks and comments. Publicly she says that a hater is just an obsessed fan and she's blessed that she lives rent-free in their head.  however, deep down, she hates it when someone doesn't like her. 

39.  She's a people pleaser and suffers greatly when she is disappointing someone. Her exes took advantage of it to mess with her self-esteem. 

40. Sara is very clever. If she wasn't a singer she would have been a science teacher. She loves to know the inner workings of the universe. Unfortunately, her career is so huge that it now has just become a hobby rather than an actual interest of hers. Sorry Nasa, the glitters of Hollywood took over. 

TB: little freak out

Sara ran her fingers through her hair in an attempt to self-soothe. All these years, so carefully crafted to suit her needs went down the drain after one encounter. Was she this fragile? Sara claimed that she overcame the need to be loved and cared for. She loved to claim that she was stronger than they gave her credit for and that nothing and no one could hurt her like Brett and Tara did. She convinced herself to have a thicker skin and reinvent herself well enough to be able to withstand any attack sent her way. Yet, she lied. She was still needy. She was still demanding attention and affection from others. She was still the child exploited by her parents, the teen abandoned at an orphanage, and a young woman abused by her exes...  

Her biggest fear was to be alone, to die alone... To lose the love of her life because of something she did or said. Everyone in her life had left her behind. Her parents were the first to abandon her. Did they even love her? If they did, they never showed it to her. If they didn't she wouldn't be surprised given how cold they always were with her. She had to perform to please them and she did her best (including hurting herself) to make them smile. Mallory, her first girlfriend, escaped the orphanage and left her behind. Tara grew bored of her and dumped her without a warning. She was never pleased with Sara unless she went above and beyond for her. She always put her down any chance she got. And Brett?  Brett hated her. She now realized that. He manipulated her, kept putting her down, and abused her, violently so. Even he fucking left her. So why wouldn't Homelander? Why wouldn't John?  

She pinched her lips together and kept tucking her hair behind her ear. it worked, and after a while, she finally calmed down. How ridiculous it was. Why would her relationship with John sour? He loved her.. he didn't say he did but she could tell he felt the same thing as she did. He cared for her. He protected her. Sara didn't have to hide her true nature or change herself to please him and he didn't need to pretend either. There always was some bravado, she could understand that, but he was more and more himself as time went by. Why would she be worried about it? She was Sara Richardson! She was a megastar! She was loved! She was scared... She was terrified about being left behind once again...Fuck! 

TB: We hide our scars and imperfections!

We hide our scars and little imperfections to the rest of the world, thinking that nobody in their right mind could love them. We keep our thoughts to ourselves, in fear that someone might judge us and not love us for who we are. I used to think I had to cover my freckles because they were ugly and nobody could love me if I didn't hide them. My previous partners wanted me to hide who I was, to cover myself up in glamour so they wouldn't have to see the real me. I had to put on a fake persona so they wouldn't have to deal with the real me. Sara had to be hidden. Sara had to be forgotten.. Sara had to disappear. 

We hide our scars and little imlperfections to the rest of the world because they convinced us that we didn't matter. They drilled into our skulls that we should conform to their idea of what was beautiful. Baby, it really took Homelander for me to realize that I was beautiful, that I was worthy of being loved. And let me tell you something, I love myself. I love myself so much that you can't tell me shit about my body. You can't tell me shit about my skin or my curves or whatever! Baby, I'm beautiful! I know it now. I'm sure of it now. I am loved for who I am now! Yeah! I am loved!

TB: Why did it hurt so bad?

Why is it still hurting so bad? 

Sara had no idea why her old wounds refused to heal properly. She was still struggling with the ghosts of her past relationships. She saw Tara just once after so many years apart and it was enough to send her into a spiral of self-doubt and pain. Today things were different, weren't they? She was a successful artist, people loved her, they worshipped her... she even found love with Homelander. Didn't she? He loved her, didn't he? Still, the sight of Tara made her crumble to the point of having panic attacks. Tara's words cut deep, way too deep and Sara felt vulnerable again. It shouldn't be a surprise, after all, Tara always made sure Sara knew she didn't deserve her. Tara was the one people wanted. She was beautiful, she had charisma, and she was clever. Hell, she was even richer than Sara when they were dating. When they were outside and Sara was not in her Unnamed Girl persona (and appearance), it was Tara who was under the spotlight. She was perfect and Sara felt inadequate in that relationship. To compensate for what she perceived was lacking, Sara started to behave like a servant. She was at the beck and call of Tara always went above and beyond for her. She erased so much of her personality to serve Tara's every whim and feed on her narcissistic traits. Still... it wasn't enough. It was never enough. Sara was never good. 

It impacted her so much that even years later, the singer felt knots in her stomach. She remembered the day Tara left her, out of boredom -which was the official reason she gave Sara when in truth, she couldn't handle the rise to stardom of her girlfriend-. Sara was devastated. She was boring? She was suffocating? She shouldn't be affectionate lest she takes the risk of being left... She shouldn't be talking about what she loved the most  (her art) nor should she try to embrace her true personality. Tara wanted to destroy her but didn't succeed and since her perfect toy was now broken, she decided to discard it. Sara didn't come to this conclusion, even after all these years. She couldn't see that her ex-girlfriend had just used her for her own pleasure. She didn't realize that even now, after their last encounter, it was just a matter of ego. She wanted to show Sara that the singer could never get over their breakup, and she wanted to rub in her face her own success. It didn't work, at least, not officially. Sara stood her ground but the minute she left, the minute she broke down. 

Why did it still hurt so bad? Why couldn't she just move on? 

She did move on. After Tara there was Brett but he was worse than Tara because he abused her physically and emotionally when Sara didn't do what he wanted her to. With such a bad relationship there was no mystery as to why she couldn't move on from Tara.. or Brett. With Homelander, things were different. He was not abusive to her. He didn't ask her to forsake her real personality. He cared for her. He took care of her. He loved her and Sara was thriving. He was the first person to ever show her genuine affection and she was worried sick about losing it all because of her mistakes... because of who and what she was deep down that he could find unpleasant. Because... she existed.  Sara walked in a circle for a moment before she grabbed her phone, and doom-scrolled for a minute before she threw it against the wall and screamed in frustration. She needed to heal from her past. She needed to heal. She needed to move on otherwise she would never be free from Tara and Brett's ghosts, but could she tell Homelander about the pain these two inflicted on her? Could she bring herself to show such vulnerability? Could she? 

-TBC-

TB: "Feverish dream"

You have a way to make me lose my mind, to push me to my limits until I break and forget everything but your name.  You match my energy, you understand my every need, and you make my head hot white. Oh! so hot. 

You have a way to make my body writhe, to make me anticipate your next move, to make me beg for you, to make me ask for it. Your hands on my body, your lips on my skin,  your length inside me. You make me ask for it, you make me work for it, you make me be your good girl and I love every minute of it. 

You have a way to make me crave for more, to make me crawl before you moments after you're done with me. You have a way of making me forget how many times we've been at it because I can't get enough of you.

We are truly made for each other, I knew it from the first time we fucked. I knew it from the first time we kissed. I knew it from the first time you hugged me. We are truly made for each other because once you strip us of every layer we cover ourselves with, there are only two people who understand each other. There are Sara and John. There are just you and me. Two people who finally found family. Two people who love each other.