TB: Why did it hurt so bad?

Why is it still hurting so bad? 

Sara had no idea why her old wounds refused to heal properly. She was still struggling with the ghosts of her past relationships. She saw Tara just once after so many years apart and it was enough to send her into a spiral of self-doubt and pain. Today things were different, weren't they? She was a successful artist, people loved her, they worshipped her... she even found love with Homelander. Didn't she? He loved her, didn't he? Still, the sight of Tara made her crumble to the point of having panic attacks. Tara's words cut deep, way too deep and Sara felt vulnerable again. It shouldn't be a surprise, after all, Tara always made sure Sara knew she didn't deserve her. Tara was the one people wanted. She was beautiful, she had charisma, and she was clever. Hell, she was even richer than Sara when they were dating. When they were outside and Sara was not in her Unnamed Girl persona (and appearance), it was Tara who was under the spotlight. She was perfect and Sara felt inadequate in that relationship. To compensate for what she perceived was lacking, Sara started to behave like a servant. She was at the beck and call of Tara always went above and beyond for her. She erased so much of her personality to serve Tara's every whim and feed on her narcissistic traits. Still... it wasn't enough. It was never enough. Sara was never good. 

It impacted her so much that even years later, the singer felt knots in her stomach. She remembered the day Tara left her, out of boredom -which was the official reason she gave Sara when in truth, she couldn't handle the rise to stardom of her girlfriend-. Sara was devastated. She was boring? She was suffocating? She shouldn't be affectionate lest she takes the risk of being left... She shouldn't be talking about what she loved the most  (her art) nor should she try to embrace her true personality. Tara wanted to destroy her but didn't succeed and since her perfect toy was now broken, she decided to discard it. Sara didn't come to this conclusion, even after all these years. She couldn't see that her ex-girlfriend had just used her for her own pleasure. She didn't realize that even now, after their last encounter, it was just a matter of ego. She wanted to show Sara that the singer could never get over their breakup, and she wanted to rub in her face her own success. It didn't work, at least, not officially. Sara stood her ground but the minute she left, the minute she broke down. 

Why did it still hurt so bad? Why couldn't she just move on? 

She did move on. After Tara there was Brett but he was worse than Tara because he abused her physically and emotionally when Sara didn't do what he wanted her to. With such a bad relationship there was no mystery as to why she couldn't move on from Tara.. or Brett. With Homelander, things were different. He was not abusive to her. He didn't ask her to forsake her real personality. He cared for her. He took care of her. He loved her and Sara was thriving. He was the first person to ever show her genuine affection and she was worried sick about losing it all because of her mistakes... because of who and what she was deep down that he could find unpleasant. Because... she existed.  Sara walked in a circle for a moment before she grabbed her phone, and doom-scrolled for a minute before she threw it against the wall and screamed in frustration. She needed to heal from her past. She needed to heal. She needed to move on otherwise she would never be free from Tara and Brett's ghosts, but could she tell Homelander about the pain these two inflicted on her? Could she bring herself to show such vulnerability? Could she? 

-TBC-