Sara was nervously chewing at the tip of her pen. Her mind has been buzzing ever since the end of November. December was one of the favorite months of the singer because of the holidays taking place. She enjoyed Christmas more than anything and wanted to celebrate this year. It was not a coincidence since this year she met Homelander -John- and Ryan his son and quickly enough, the two of them became her family. She knew it was going very fast, she was being way too fast for her own sake but could she really shake the desire to actually have a relationship with Homelander and his son? As per usual, when under pressure, the supe started to tuck her hair behind her ears. She anticipated rejection from Homelander, and he would be right to deny her because their relationship was so young and he didn't want to subject his son to another debacle like it was with Stormfront. Could she blame him? Ryan had no say in this situation, Stormfront decided to act like his mother and didn't acknowledge the presence of Becca, Ryan's mother. She was a nazi piece of shit who propped Homelander as the poster boy of her rancid ideology and Ryan was just forced to deal with it too. Sara was different.
She built a relationship with the young boy, one where she was not a surrogate mother nor did she want to erase this relationship from existence. The boy had, unlike her, a parent who genuinely loved him and did her best to protect him. She was the mother Sara wished she had, and a model to follow rather than to try and snuff from his memory. Sara was a friend to Ryan, an adult who understood what it was to become an orphan and to navigate the troubled waters of self-hatred and a desire for more. She understood him, to some extent of course, and she was willing to scold him if there was a need for him and "parent" him because the child still needed a structure. She was ready to be this active in the life of this child and to treat him like she wished she was by her own parents. Funny, wasn't it? All her life, Sara had wanted to have a family of her own, people to love and to be loved by them. She thought she had it with Tara and later on with Brett but they weren't interested in having a family. They didn't want to give her the space to make dinner and decorate her apartment in the spirit of the holidays and it made her grow frustrated as time went by. Now that they were out of her life, Sara felt the urge to genuinely and unapologetically celebrate the holidays with the people she loved.
Still, the idea that she might be rejected stressed her out and she couldn't bring herself to write to Homelander. If she had a request to make, she would have to make it face to face and risk being rejected in her face. It was scary, but it was necessary and Sara was willing to try her luck and to try and convince him. Homelander, as far as she knew, had never really celebrated the holidays. She saw ads and commercials but it was all PR. He never actually spent time with his "so-called" family. He never enjoyed the holidays as they were supposed to be, a moment to gather as a family and to love one another. She had already made lists of gifts she could buy or make for the boys and had already thought about several menus she would suggest. It had to be a family tradition and it had to involve the three of them. Yet, no matter how positively she envisioned the moment she would request it, Sara felt the knot in the pit of her stomach grow bigger and bigger to the point of forcing her to stop pacing around and put her hand on her stomach. If Dotty knew what she was up to, she would have scolded her protegée so hard, that Sara would have turned 7 again. She would have advised against making something like this in fear of Homelander losing his mind but Sara knew better. She knew her baby. She knew he wouldn't hurt her and would not reject a chance at being a family with her. All she had to do was to prepare her speech and reassure him. Everything would be fine!
Everything should be fine!
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