Peaky Blinders: She couldn't be there for him.

Mary leaned against the dining room door. Her arms were crossed above her chest, and she held a glass of wine.  It had been weeks since she last saw Tommy Shelby, and she had no bloody idea of where he was or what he was doing. Polly told her that it was business related, and Mary took it at face value but somehow.... She knew something was wrong. He had been spending more time away from home, and when she managed to see him, he was having more and more trouble hiding the fact that he couldn't keep track of time. He simply couldn't. Was he sick? Was he overwhelmed? Mary had no way to know the answers to her questions, and it was starting to weigh on her. Most people would say it was because she felt lonely, and, truth be told, she did feel lonely at times.  However, her worries were more about Tom's whereabouts and if he was doing well or if he needed help. They survived several attacks on their family, and Mary was still worried that Tom found his match and lost the fight to this person. So yes, she was worried about him more than she felt alone. 

It was well into the night, so Charlie was sleeping already, but she still remembered his disappointed face when she told him that his father was not home for the night. He didn't put up a fight and simply shrugged his shoulders. "Daddy is never home. I guess we'll have to wait." She tried to comfort him, but no matter what she told this little boy, she could see his pain. He knew his father was working hard to provide for them, but he still wished he could see him more often. Tommy was starting to feel like a stranger, and Mary was horrified.  She had to have a conversation with Tom. She had to tell him to at least talk to his son and be in his life in one way or another instead of being a ghost.  They had talked about it, about Tom's desire to be different from his father. He always wanted to be there for his children, to do right by them, and to be present, but Life had a funny way of bringing reality down on you. The truth was, Tommy couldn't be present in the lives of those he cared about. He couldn't because of his enemies. His "business," as he called it, was dangerous and lethal. He had to be careful; he had to take the danger away from his child and woman, and to do that, he couldn't always be home.  That was one reason, but the other one was that Tom couldn't stay home. He was a black stallion, and he needed his freedom. He needed to wander otherwise, he would wither away. 

She shrugged and took a sip of her wine. Tommy had always needed to wander the Earth, and she understood his need. She refused to have him bound to their home with little freedom! Of course, she wouldn't want him to be miserable!  But Mary wanted Tommy to have a relationship with his son. She wanted him to have a family of his own, not just by title or blood but because he would spend time with them. She wanted him to be in pictures with his son. She wanted Charlie to have memories with Tom and to be able to revisit them. She wanted Tom to watch his son grow into a man and be present in his life the way his own father never was.  She needed to make sure that they had a life and that it wasn't just a fever dream. Maybe she resented being alone more and more as time went by. He loved her, and a part of her thought that maybe it was enough. He loved her... even if he was not there. He loved her, and she shouldn't be asking for more than what he gave her. 

After all, she was a widow... A young one, but still one. Maybe she shouldn't be dreaming about getting married and having children of her own. Maybe she should just focus on the children still alive.  Mary put her hand on her belly and bit back a sob. No! She had the right to want things. She had the right to imagine a different life for herself. She had the right to be worried about him and to want him to survive. Truth be told, she knew he could kill himself at any given point. She had seen him at his lowest... The only thing Mary truly wanted was to be there for him. She wanted to be the rock he could hold onto. She wanted to be a beacon of light so he could escape the darkness of his heart. She wanted to be there for him, but he was out of reach, and he couldn't do much, and that was making her drink. She couldn't be there for the man she loved. 

She couldn't.