Nixus: A happy life.

Phoenix had just stepped outside her shower, and while she used a hair dryer on her hair, the woman looked at her reflection.  She realized that she was the healthiest and happiest she'd ever looked in her life. Her skin was glowing, her eyes were full of life. It almost shocked her to see that joy on her face, and she narrowed her eyes to study her face. Her face almost looked like she was a different person, younger even as she was no longer stressed out. She was no longer looking past her shoulder or sleeping with one eye open. It was stunning, what a healthy relationship was.  A brief memory of Anton flashed before her eyes. He never hurt her physically, but he was physically distant and emotionally cold. He said he loved her, would make passionate love to her, but he would pull away from her body when he was done. He would reject all of her attempts at getting closer to him, would never hug her, would never kiss her unless he wanted to have sex with her.  He would, however, sweet-talk her when he wanted her affection. He would reject and then pull her back in. He breathed hot and cold towards her, and she took those crumbs of affection and believed they were the most she could ever get. The most she deserved. 

Did Anton love her? She used to believe he did. At 20 years old, with no romantic experience, it was easy to mistake his attention for genuine affection. It was easy to fall for his words, the tender way he used to call her name, the way he would pepper her face with kisses when he wanted her to give in to him. It was easy to believe him when he said he wanted to build a life with her outside the Guild. Ah. He spoke of taking her on a trip around the world, eating fancy dinners, and buying the most expensive clothes. She bought that lie, thinking that maybe this was Love. It made her chuckle at the thought. How naive was she to think that a man like him could love? He betrayed her in the worst way possible. He sold her to the Guild and bought his freedom on her back. He never tried to reach out to her after, and the more she thought about it, the more she realized that Anton only wanted her to buy his beautiful lies so she would fall prey to him. She would become the perfect scapegoat who would pay for his own selfish desire. No wonder he was so distant from her. No wonder he did not want to give her more than crumbs. 

She thought she was in love, but as she matured, Phoenix realized that it was just a powerful attachment to the man. She wanted his affection more than anything else. She needed his affection and was blindsided by her own feelings. Love did not wear Anton's face. It wore Marc's face. Loving Marc came as naturally as breathing fresh air. It was normal. It was a feeling built on trust and confidence. It was a feeling built on trials and errors. on trying to do what was best for the other. It was a love built on respect. A love that welcomed her as she was, without trying to change her or trying to ridicule her. It was a love that made her want to care for him, to pamper him, to protect him, and to make him feel loved. His happiness was the most important for her. Was love Selfless? She realized that it was. It was a love.... It was a love... She realized that tears were rolling down her face and quickly wiped them with the back of her hand. Were they tears of joy or heartbreak? A slight furrow of her brows made her realize that she was actually happy. She was happy and safe. She was happy and wanted nothing more than to be in his arms again. She sighed and gently leaned into her chair. Perhaps this was the life she deserved, an actual life. 

-TBC-