2020: work in progress

2020. I always coined it as the year of Change, mostly personal growth and peculiar attention to my mental health. You know, we've always been taught to keep the « negative » feelings at bay, to snuff them before they « got in the way », (By negative, I mean sadness, anger, jealousy, envy, fear and so and so... )

I have noticed how uncomfortable people were to express her emotions, but how worse it was for others who weren't able to welcome those emotions. People would usually urge you to get better, they would want you to move on pretty fast. They wouldn't have the ability to stomach your display of emotions and would do their best not to have to be confronted to it. They avoid them because it mirrors their own emotions they are refusing to show. I'd argue that in this day and age, where everything has to be Instagram-ready, and picture-perfect, imperfection is not allowed. I'd argue that upbringing and the way society responds to emotional breakdowns also play an important rôle in how emotionally constipated people are. « Conceal your emotions », « think of the family reputation », « you cannot be weak ». Those words are still at the back of our heads, forcing us to keep some social etiquette. At least, that is true for me. I've been raised to keep control over the way I felt, always make sure I was as perfect as possible, and it ended up destroying me in the process. But we aren't perfect... we are always trying to get better. That's a lesson I'm still learning today.

2019 saw me struggle a lot more than I am willing to share here. There were a lot of issues at work, a need to break free from that toxic environment, depleting self-worth and a growing desire to self-destruct, again. As many of you know, I, unfortunately, suffer from Mental Illness, including a strong desire to sabotage myself and self-destruct, to put it mildly. Last year truly put me to test, but I was able to keep going thanks to my support system (friends and family) and my very understanding hubby. I'd argue that finding a specialist in traumas also helped since thanks to her, I'm starting to address them. 2020, however, is different. I have tried to express myself a lot more, I am still trying to embrace those « negative » emotions, still trying to accept that I can and should feel these instead of trying to reject them.

It does wonder to one's soul, to embrace the good, the bad and the ugly. It's okay to be afraid, it's okay to be angry, it's okay to be jealous...(please keep in mind I'm only talking about emotions here). It's okay to accept those emotions because it will be easier to deal with them. Once you've acknowledged them, you can go from there and find a way to channel those emotions instead of containing them.

So Yesterday, it was liberating for me to be able to express my feelings, as negative as they were and talk about it. It was liberating to be able to speak them out loud and find healthier ways to deal with them. It's a long journey, part of it comes with self-acceptance, but it's one I am very happy to finally make after all these years.

Stay safe,