In the dead of the night

In the dead of the night

A/N : Don't mind me...

There are days when I lose touch with reality. These days, 3 am seems to be the preferred time for my brain. Just when I can't sleep and I try my hardest to close my eyes and empty my brain, ominous questions start to fill it.  I question the very reality of my life. I question my hopes and dreams. I question my connection to some and others. There are days I feel like those connections are only in my head and at the very first moment, the very first opportunity people would have to leave me, they would. I feel insignificant, invisible and I keep carrying the blame over my shoulders. After all, if I die, the world will keep on spinning around. If I die, people would not notice, why would they? If I die, I wouldn't have leave memories behind. My mind is breaking down, my mind turns into million pieces when I try to think too hard of how much people just don't care about me and how silly I am for thinking they actually do.

I have thought of ways to express my emotions. Maybe if I just knew how to look at them and have them leave the confines of my brain, it would be easier for those around me to understand me. but it's not easy... The truth is, it is difficult to express, difficult to explain, but the truth is,  it's 3 am in the morning and there is darkness around me. I can see myself from afar as if I wasn't living my very own life, Here I am, standing there, in the ocean made of uncertainty and anxiety-induced fears. The truth is, I believe I would be forgotten, the minute I am not around anymore. The truth is, I believe that no matter what I do, it doesn't really matter. I have a hard time seeing the impact I have on others, let alone, the good I can do. So I just stand there, alone and tormented by my thoughts. These days, I try to fight off those thoughts. I try to rationalize. I try to understand why I would think like this and I try to fight these thoughts. At least, I address them. Isn't it the right way to go?  

There are days I win and light comes back into my heart, and clarity sets my thoughts into a peaceful order. I feel better, I feel good. I feel centered again. But there are days I lose. And those days, I live in utter terror. And my guts are churning and my heart is breaking down because I believe oh so strongly that it would be better if I was dead. I believe, oh so strongly that people actually don't care or they wouldn't care if I tried to ask for help. Or just admit I'm not doing okay. People wouldn't want to share the burden on my shoulders with me and would rather ignore me or throw me away if they could choose to do so. I don't trust myself, I guess and I don't trust that people care enough for me to suffer from my outbursts or honest conversations. Or perhaps, I'm too far gone to actually be able to speak my mind and my heart. I don't know what to say, I can't answer questions... I don't know how it is except that I am feeling and it hurts...

I am sorry. I am so sorry. Even at the dead of the night, all there is is just a scream stuck into my chest, and tears stuck into my eyes. All that is left is a hole in my heart I am unable to fill and a pain I cannot soothe. All I know is that the only thing I still can do is give love, even when I don't have any for myself, especially because I have none for myself. I am sorry.. so sorry