Bäahal x Jaime :

Bäahal x Jaime :

A/N: Aftermath of our last conversation. I felt so bad for both of them. All I want is that they find a way to get better. </3. it was so brutal. (but so good! only you can make it good like that) <3 I love you

xxxxxxxxx

« You're nothing! » Words kept echoing through the princess' ears as she closed the door behind her. « You're just a self-entitled princess », each and every word felt like a knife that stabbed through her heart. « I want you gone. » She took a couple steps forward, taking herself as far as she could from the knight's room. She held her belly, the fingers sunk into the light fabric of her dress as she tried to run away from the Knight's room. She knew he wouldn't welcome her with open arms. How could he, when all she was when he looked at her was what he lost? The princess felt her heart pound harder and faster against her ribcage and moved the hand on her belly up to her chest where she clenched her fingers harder. She couldn't breathe, she needed air, so she opened the window of the hallway and coughed as hard as she could.

As fresh air filled in her lungs, she felt the tears she had been holding back roll down her cheeks. It was extremely violent, disturbing even. She met a man who was an empty shell. She saw a man who was devastated and looked nothing like he used to. His hair grew long and thin, his beard was thick and untrimmed. His eyes were lifeless and tired. He had lost weight, so much weight that you wouldn't believe he was a knight if you didn't know him before. There was nothing left of Jaime Lannister, not even his pride. Bäahal wiped the tears that fell on her cheeks, her groans cut through her sobs as frustration took over her pain. He had broken, her heart, shook it hard enough to force her into a deep reflection. Why was she here? He asked her. Why was she here? What could she possibly give him?

Her tears flooded on her face, blurring her vision as she was wondering if she took the right decision to come here. Leaving King's landing had always been something the princess wanted. She wasn't made for all the political tapestry that was taking place there. She wasn't made to give military advice to her sister, Daenerys didn't need her presence anyway. She had Tyrion, Jon... any other person who would give her sound advice on how to lead Westeros and the Seven Kingdoms. Bäahal wouldn't be able to, she didn't even know what she was. She didn't even know who she was, so how could she find her place there? Leaving was a personal journey, an attempt at finding the answer to this simple question: Who am I? Leaving was also motivated by one thing and one thing only: Finding Jaime Lannister.

Why  was that? Well, she cared for the knight. Maybe too much. Lord Tyrion and Lord Varys before he was killed warned her about being attached to the knight. They told her that he would break her heart, that he was only Cersei's and would never be able to care for anyone else. They told her that he would destroy her any chance he got and she would be left with nothing but a shattered heart. She should have listened to them, if only she had, she wouldn't be crying her heart out at Riverrund after seeing Jaime now that the Last War was over. Yet here she was. Yet here were her tears. Yet here lied her broken heart.

Cersei did take everything from him. There was no denying it. He believed so strongly that he should have died alongside her that she recognized guilt in his voice as he spewed his venom. She realized he wanted to die, but couldn't take his life because that wasn't who he was. He couldn't commit suicide. There was a chance to save him. There was a chance to take him out of this room, take him with her. Jaime was made for traveling on horseback, helping people and while she knew that most of Westeros hated him and his family for what Tywin, Cersei and to some extent, Joffrey did, there was still a chance for redemption. There was still a chance. But did she do it because she wanted him to redeem himself? Of course not. She wanted to see him again. She wanted to Jaime she used to know to come back. That man was proud, confident, extraordinary. He blew her mind when they met and he gave her a purpose, a reason to keep going.

Deep down, she knew she was motivated by something else. Something she could never fully explain, nor acknowledge. She knew that she had dreamed of the day she would face him again, where he would stroke her cheek, where he would hold her in his arm. She had dreamed of the day she would kiss his lips, let her fingers into his blonde mane... The memories were flooding her mind but she shook her head as hard as she could while her other hand covered her mouth to muffle the sob she wanted to let escape. It couldn't be. It could never be. The princess started to sob harder, keeping a hand over her mouth as hard as she could so no one could hear her scream in the dead of the night. His words hurt, worse than the tortures she suffered from when she was still a slave. His words pierced through her heart ripped it open and made her bleed and the pain she felt refused to end, no matter how hard the sobs, or strong the tears, she was still hurt. « I want you gone » He yelled, « Even Cersei didn't want me. I had nothing, even before the war was over. » he said in a broken voice « I had nothing then, and I have nothing now... » How could she help him? How could she help her?

She calmed down after a while, she lost count of the minutes spent crying at the window but remembered when a servant came to collect her for dinner. She cleaned her face and walked to the dining room where Lord Bronn, his wife, and a couple more guests were waiting for her. Bäahal remained silent for a while, doing her best to avoid eye contact while the guests went on and on about the new queen and the new order she wanted to set. She couldn't listen to a single word in the humdrum of the dining room because her mind was focused on Lord Jaime and the terrible moment she'd just experienced. She tried to rationalize it, to understand why he was acting this way... well, it was simple, he had lost everything. He was a man down, in need for a reason to keep going and she was going to give it to him. She told the knight -former knight- that she was looking for him and although she didn't have all the needed answers, she knew she would stay until he was fit enough to ride a horse and go with her. She wouldn't give up on him, because despite his claims, he still had not given up. He could have killed himself but didn't. He could have starved himself or let Bronn shove food down his throat but he still ate. He still bathed and still kept a minimum of a clean appearance. He wasn't done yet.

So she had to hold onto it.

She must.

She would.

-TBC-