Breathe

There is the edge right at the tip of your feet
You know that if you make a move forward, you'll fall to your doom.
You know that if you go back down, you'll live in hell.
That's what your mind is telling you, whispering to you every single day.
You feel trapped. you feel lost and confused... You feel dead and yet you're still living.

There is the edge right at the tip of your feet.
you want to make that step forward. It's calling you, the infinite peace, the silence, the end of it all.
You are about to jump into the unknown, knowing full well that it might just be the beginning.
But you are ready, you'd rather go through this than spend one more day in your living hell.

When you reach that point when you know that there is nothing more to be done...Breathe.

Take a minute, look around you and contemplate life.
yes, it's dark and gloomy and a straight-up nightmare but this is what makes life, LIFE.
Darkness and light mixed together, this is what life is about and you know it.
When your head plays tricks on you, darkness seems to be darker than usual, I understand that.

When your head plays tricks on you, Light seems to have died or simply never existed, I understand.
It is so painful that sometimes you wish you weren't living in your flesh or just living altogether
You can't see the small dots of light that are peppered in your life, you are blinded to it, I understand.
How could you look at it when all you've known is pain and suffering? I don't blame you.

When you reach that point when you know that there is nothing more to be done...Breathe.

Take a minute, look around you and contemplate Life.
You might see through the smoke and shadow cast upon you, and the pain and suffering endured.
You might finally see how strong you are, how much you have survived and would survive.
You've endured all of that pain already! you've seen Hell and came back to tell the tale!

Fill your mind with the precious memories you've gathered since you came to life.
Your first kiss, That special birthday you had, the gift you couldn't wait to give to your loved one.
Think about all these moments that brought you peace, that made you feel at peace, relevant even
Think about all those glorious moments when you got to do good around you and receive good too

Little dots of lights are still around even though the darkness is thicker than usual

Breathe, Breathe my child, Breathe!

Take a minute for yourself, excuse your presence from the world and look within you
For all the times when you won and all the times when you survived should be celebrated
You can't ignore the efforts you made, the beauty you created around you by being yourself
to benefit and feed the twisted image of yourself your mind keep on shoving down your throat

Take a minute for yourself, excuse your presence from the world and look within you
For all the time you were a beautiful soul, for all the time you saved someone's life
For all the time you brought them Light by simply being there, or supportive, or understanding.
You can't ignore those times to the benefit of the darker ones. You can't paint yourself as a monster.

Breathe, Breathe my child, Breathe!

And once you see the world as it truly is, with the darkness and the light dancing together
Once you see that we are all a mix of both, with our darkness and our light inside of us
Once you see that you are capable of so much more than just destroying lives...Yes, once you do this,
Then maybe, if there's some strength left inside of you, you can back down and walk back into Life.

And I would be waiting for you, my child.

Distance

It is safer, to put a distance between others and me. How could it not?

Some would say I am trying to protect myself from the pain I have experienced before.

In a way, it's not false. I do not want to be in pain the way I used to be. 

I'm scared of running into abusive people again and experience the physical and emotional violence.

I'm scared of going through the same ordeal over and over again and yet...

I feel as if I had to go through all of this as if it was a punishment of some sort.

Yeah silly I know. 

But this is how I feel and I can't shake this feeling off of my mind. 

I deserve the pain. I deserve to go and roam this Earth and suffer until the day I die.

It feels as if I had to pay for some crime I committed in the past; I am making amends am I not?

Otherwise, how could I explain the way I feel? How could I explain all the bad decisions I make?

All of them? Starting with the fact I am staying alive? Ah..or the fact I am resisting Death?

How tempting that knife is more and more. How tempting those pills are, more and more.

But I am resisting, as far as I can go. I stretch myself thin every time I am holding onto life.

Yeah... Silly, I know.

But this is how I feel and I can't shake this feeling off of my mind.

The worst would probably come to the fact that I am convinced I am hurting people.

I am convinced that my mere presence is enough to destroy everything around me.

I am convinced that I cannot grow anything, I cannot make anything, I can only destroy.

I am convinced that I am a waste of space, of skin, of air and that I can only hurt those around me.

Yeah, that's how I feel, that's how I deeply feel. I cannot communicate that trail of thoughts enough.

I cannot make people understand or sit through with me and take it in. 

How do you tell people you want to die?

How much of it is the mental illness and how much of it is just me?

I used to believe that it was all /me/ but turns out it actually was my mental illness playing tricks 

I actually don't want to die -or so they tell me- but I have urges..dark urges that drag me down.

It's a constant effort, not being drawn to the knife, the pills, bleaching products or whatever poisons

It's a constant effort trying to remain lucid, clear-minded and to center myself whenever I feel like it.

Like I want the pain to go away permanently  -because I want the pain to go- like I want it to end.

I'm scared, yeah.. silly I know.

How do you talk to people about it?

You simply don't. You keep it to yourself and you endure like an adult.

You use unhealthy coping mechanism because you know damn well that you can't deal with it.

I can't deal with the pain, thinking about it is making me feel so scared and hurt and I don't want it.

So I bury my feelings and pretend everything is okay, pretend I have everything under control

And everybody is buying, mostly because it's easier to believe it than to see the truth for what it is.

They can't help. They would be overwhelmed with fear, guilt, shame maybe. They would be lost.

They can't help and even if they wanted to, they would make me feel even more guilty than I do.

So I keep going.

I endure it, willingly, knowing full well that I won't make it for a long time or maybe I will.

Maybe I would suffer until the day I die OR I would die when the pain would be too much to bear.

Who knows?

So yes, I put some distance between people and me, because it's easier for everyone.

It's easier for me because I wouldn't have to watch them feel sorry for me.

It's easier for them because they wouldn't have to know what I have in my head and in my heart.

The less they know, the better.

The more distance there is, the best it is

I think so.

SoA: Pretty Women

"Okay, Jessica! What do you think of this dress?"

Asma asked as she turned around and showed her a nice blue short-sleeved dress. She grinned at the beautiful brunette who was sitting by her bed, legs crossed on the mattress as she watched Asma pull clothes from a big luggage she carried from her home. Right after she closed her parlor, Asma went to her house and grabbed a couple of outfits she wanted to try for her first real date with Tig. As soon as Jessica heard that her little Asma was going on a date as soon as the boys would be back home, she decided to be her wingman. It was quite the event in the not-so-eventful life Jessica was leading for a couple of weeks now.

"I think it's very tame. You're going on a date with a man who wants to devour you all night long with his eyes before his mouth lays on you! Let's find another outfit!" She said in a chuckle while she picked on a cherry and munched on it.

"Raah! you're right! it's very tame. He would think I'm friend-zoning him." She dropped the dress and looked into her luggage to take another outfit, this time it was a long black ball gown that made her look like a black siren if she wore it. It was gorgeous of course but definitely overdressed for a restaurant. Jessica made a face and shook her head. "Okay. Not this one." Asma pouted and knelt in front of her luggage to see what she could find.

"I can't believe it though. You're going on a date with Tig!" Jessica chuckled, excited.

Being pregnant was quite an event in itself. Between the morning strange cravings she felt when she woke up, the mood swings that altered her real perception of things and made her cry over tiny little cubs and get angry over an ice-cream pot missing from the fridge /and/ the urge to sleep every other minute because it just felt uncomfortable at this point: NOTHING happened to her. She had to stay home. She had to spend time with Abel and Thomas and wait for Jax to return and have all the fun outside. Of course, she didn't hate that, per say. Not having to kill people while she was carrying a life was fine by Jessica. It was a necessity -she couldn't be efficient anyway with her huge belly-  but she felt as if a huge part of her was missing. She felt... Domesticated. It was a complex feeling to explain because she didn't hate being at home and taking care of the kids but being a Stepford mom and a wife wasn't exactly how she envisioned her life to be. Lucky for Jess, she was none of that and she would return to action after a while... When? She had no clues... Ah, it was making her head spin and she needed a distraction: Asma and her romance were that distraction, so Jessica projected her frustration on it and focused her attention on it.

"It's huge." Asma began, running her hand through her curly pink hair. "It's very huge. I'm scared." She said, sitting on the floor while Jessica was eating her cherries. Her hazel eyes stared at her friend and a soft smile crept on her plump lips.

"It's not a booty call, of course, it's scary." She said, patting the bed next to her so Asma could climb on it, which she did. As the pink haired artist was all settled and comfortable next to her friend, she allowed her hand to pick a cherry from the plate she was eating them and took one to her mouth.

"It's not." She blushed and chewed at her bottom lip. "I mean, it could have been. Oh my god, Jess. I don't know if you know his reputation but whatever they say he's good at, they're right! I am still thinking about how good with his tongue he is. He went down on me! Me! He ate me out SO good that I was crying for my ancestors that night!" It made Jessica laugh out loud, to the point she had to cover her mouth so she wouldn't wake the kids up. Asma didn't usually go into details regarding her sex-life but to have her speak so freely with a hint of arousal in her voice was endearing and a little shocking too.

"No way! He did that? I heard about his sexploits a few times yeah. Many crow eaters wanted a ride on his dick."

"They won't have it anymore!" Asma growled, feeling jealous as well as feeling her cheeks turn darker and hotter from embarrassment. the tattoo artist was very territorial and she considered Tig to be conquered land so of course, she wouldn't want any other person to lay their hands on him. It made her pout and grunt but she still looked adorable while doing so. Jessica pinched her cheek and grinned.

"My oh my! Are you jealous Asma?"

"I could be." She said, pouting a little more before she ran her hand through her hair again and rested it on her shoulder. "I am.. okay, you got me! It's just, I don't want to share. I think you can understand that right? With Jax?"

"Oh, he knows that if he even tries to share his dick, I'm gonna cut it off and shove it in his ass for even thinking about cheating on me." She then furrowed her brows and curled her beautiful red lips into a pout. "I sometimes wonder if he won't be doing so now that I am a mother. You know some men can't really separate motherhood from the rest. I am a mother, yeah, but I am also a woman with needs and desires and still me you see?" She picked another cherry. "I'm sorry. I'm hijacking your moment. it should be all about you and Tig. I haven't seen you this happy in a WHILE and I want you to be Asma. I really do."

"You're not hijacking anything, love. Shh.. I'm glad you decided to tell me about it. I can't say I understand how you're feeling. I've never been in a successful relationship before. I've been with someone stable enough to love me without trying to control me like Oscar did or use me to numb their pain like Elias did. I had one night stands before I came to Charming...I don't know what a real relationship feels like. How it looks like. however... I know one when I see one. you and Jax are one. I've seen you grow...I've inked your skins, I've crashed drunk at your place, He took me out of the bar when I Relapsed. I've been there. Your love for one another made me change my mind on so many things... I envied that love." She cupped her cheek and stroked it with her thumb. "I lived by proxy for a while, thinking that maybe if I couldn't live it, then I could feel it through you. I was this pathetic."

"You are not pathetic! Listen to me." Jessica was moved, her eyes were filled with unshed tears for she understood what Asma was saying.It just felt really strange to be the one looked at as a model of "stable relationship". For so long Jessica had searched a place to call home, a relationship so real, so strong, so powerful that would help her feel centered and Jax provided her everything and some more. He gave her a home, he gave her more reasons to be alive, he did help her grow. It wasn't an easy relationship, they had their kinks, their issues, their fights and somehow made it work through all of that. Asma held onto her wrist and smiled at her.  "You are not pathetic. You simply never had anything different in your life but abuse and pain. What I am having with Jax... I hope that it is a good thing that would last forever but nothing does, I'm prepared for the other shoe to drop anytime because it might.... but I am enjoying every minute of it while it lasts and I'll be putting efforts to make it work. Yet.. I can't help... but appreciate the words you said to me and what you're trying to convey. It's just.." She wiped some tears from her own face and took a deep breath. "I don't want to lose what I have built. I love him Asma. I love him and my family and what we're building...And I'm scared, just like you. I'm right where you are except I have experienced many things with him and still am."

"So you're telling me I would always be scared with Tig?" Asma wiped another tear that ran down her cheek. Her voice broke a little and she smiled at Jessica who smiled back.

"Yes. And if all goes well, you'll be two scared sons of bitches." They laughed and Jessica cleaned her face with the back of her hand. "I didn't intend to cry but fuck my hormones right? I'm not sad Asma. I'm actually very grateful I can get to share all of that with you. I am glad you open up to me about Tig and You." -She watched her friend smile at her and smiled back, relaxed again-

Asma leaned into the bed headrest and closed her eyes. Jessica's words comforted her because she realized that being afraid wasn't a bad thing when it came to relationships. She realized that Jessica understood her even better than she thought Jessica would and it made her feel a little warmer. She then leaned her head against Jessica for a while, allowing silence to engulf both of them while the gorgeous brunette ate some more cherries. Asma's soothing hand was stroking her shoulder.

"Tig is treating me to dinner, Jess. I think I am more than a booty call for him too right?"

"I think so. He never invited any crow eater to a dinner before and you two talked all night long like you told me. You two talked that night if I remember well?" Asma nodded and bit her bottom lip.

"We talked before we had sex, during sex, in between sex and after when we couldn't do it anymore. I mean.. he learned so much about me in one night than Oscar or Elias ever did."She laughed and then put both hands over her face. "I feel like an idiot. I want him to be attracted to me."

"I think he is. He is very much into you. He called you Azz. He called you and invited you to a dinner some night!" Jessica grinned. "What? Are you telling me you can't believe he did?"

"I don't.... Raah I don't know." She chuckled and uncovered her face. "I mean... ugh.. what if we go on that date and he doesn't even like talking to me without all that sex glow happening."

"Are you fucking serious?" Jessica asked before she poked her friend's shoulder. "Stand back up and let me help you pick up a dress, you fool! You came all the way here and try to cancel the date? not on my watch!"

"What are you talking about? I don't want to cancel the date! I'm just.."

"Excuses, Excuses Exc---" She stopped talking for a minute. Her blue eyes stared into Asma's hazel ones intensely.

"Jess? Are you alright? Jess??" Asma started to panic. She never spent time around pregnant women and had zero clues about what was happening to her friend. Jessica didn't answer for a while, which made Asma even more worried. She decided to leave the room, so she could go outside and ask for help but Jessica grabbed Asma's wrist and put her hand over her round pregnant belly. "What?... I don't understand... I don't---" Then silence fell. She felt something hit against her palm. It was a kick!

The baby kicked! Jessica had to stop for a minute because she was feeling the jelly bean kick against her belly and she paused to make sure she wasn't dreaming. It was pretty active this evening, very much awake to the point of making Jessica feel even more uncomfortable but she enjoyed it. That was the fun part of being pregnant.Asma was stiff as a wooden stick but she relaxed as soon as she felt the baby bump against her hand.

"Is that?...." Jessica nodded and smiled. "Oh my god...Is that the.. the baby is.."

"kicking yeah... It's kicking pretty hard indeed." Jessica said as she chuckled at her friend. It made Asma sit back onto the mattress and marvel at the sensation of feeling a tiny life -not even born yet- kicking inside of her friend. "how does that feel?" She said, a warm smile creeping on her face.

"It feels wonderful. you're so wonderful...That's Jellybean kicking uh?...Hello, strong one." Asma whispered, her eyes wide open and filled with unshed tears as she talked to Jessica's belly. "Hello there... I can feel you. I can feel you alright. You're a strong one, aren't you? Already making yourself known to others..." She stroked Jessica's belly and then looked up to her sister's face. "I am not sure I can handle this"

"Ah! You better not cry. I'm not the first to have a baby bump, not the last. You better not cry Asma! Because if you do.." She said wiping out a few fresh tears. "If you do, I won't be able to stop. Fucking hormones." The tattoo artist grinned and then looked back at the belly before she nodded softly.

"I can't handle that cuteness. It's so precious...You shared that moment with me, I can't say thank you...I don't know...I mean..Is this real???" She sobbed. Unable to hold back her tears. She sobbed because a moment like this one, peaceful, quiet, loving and full of life was happening to her. For Asma this was probably just a sweet dream she's been having ever since Oscar came back into her life. It couldn't be real, she couldn't feel this happy. Yet, she was! All of this was real! Oscar was dead and she was sharing such a tiny moment -but oh, so huge!- with her best friend.

"Come over here, silly!" Jessica said as she wrapped her arms around Asma's shoulders and pulled her into a tight hug. Asma was that sensitive little ball of nerves who always ended up crying or making Jess feel all types of feelings and right now, it was sweet, it was loving, it was warm and they both were happy. She petted Asma's hair and leaned her chin against her shoulder. "There you go...You're not dreaming you know? It's all happening.."You're safe now, you're living your life, you're learning how to accept happiness in your life...I'm learning how to accept the changes in mine...We're sharing this moment!" She kept on whispering to Asma's ear, in a soothing voice that helped her calm down. Asma clung to Jessica's shirt and smiled broadly at the thought that yes, she did find a home here and she was on her path to have a much better life than she ever thought she could have.

"Jessi-love, I love you."

"I love you too Azzy-kin." She pulled away and wiped some of Asma's tears away. "Now, maybe we could proceed with finding you the right outfit for Tig? Remember it was all about that magical night!"

She said as she pointed at the luggage. Asma stood up and went back to it, scavenging for the perfect outfit. After a few bad choices, she finally found the dress. A nice, gorgeous skin-tight, knee-length and thin strapped red dress that would make Asma's chocolate skin pop up, her pink hair attract the attention to her face and her hazel eyes glow even more intensely.

"What do you think of that one?"

"It's perfect Asma! That's the dress!" Jessica said, clasping her hands together. "Now we have to think about the makeup and all of the essentials. Shaving and the likes." She then scratched her chin. "Do you plan to have sex with him that night?"

"You bet I do!" Asma sat on the bed and looked at the ceiling. "He made me cum so hard last time, the first time in forever and I need to experience that again." She clenched her fists and grabbed the sheets. "I mean.. come on, wouldn't you want to?"

"Eh! I said nothing! We all deserve a good orgasm every time! I am counting on Jax to give me mine when he's home!" She chuckled and bit her bottom lip. "Asma?"

"Mmhhhh??" Asma was daydreaming already, thinking of Tig's hands on her shoulders and his lips on her neck. "Mmmhh??"

"I like to see you happy. I believe he would make you happy."

"We're broken ladders, what's best to support each other? I want him to be. He told me he was relaxed by my sides and never worried about tomorrow. It's a sign, isn't it? That means we can build something?"

"I don't know. You might very well argue and get at each other's throats when you spend time together. it's too early to forge an opinion. I was just expressing my wishes. I wish for you two to be happy you know?"

"Yeah.... yeah....I'm still scared as shit...Can I text you all night until we get to the loving part?"

"MMmhhh If I can play the secret wingman why not? It could be fun. But remember, you got this. tig's not going to eat you up.." She trailed off and looked at Asma who tried her best not to chuckle but failed. "Aahahah Asma! come on!"

"You /know/ he's going to eat me up. He's going to eat me good even!" She said with a grin before Jessica laughed and shook her head. "Can I stay here tonight? I don't feel like going home."

Asma crawled onto the bed and curled into a ball next to Jessica who mind-absently stroked her hair.

"Of course you can. There's room for you, always..." She said, gently petting her friend's hair. "I love you Azzi-kin."

"I love you too Jessi-love." She said, closing her eyes as finally, the hard working day was beating her body up to slumber.

(TBC)

SoA: The phone call

A/N: Thinking about these two! Eeek!!!!!  he's finally calling her after all this time being away. All usual disclaimers

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Asma?" 

His heavy breathing over the phone made her breathe harder. Her eyes averted from left to right as she didn't know what to say and bit her bottom lip. Her heart was pounding against her ribcage and she felt fresh unshed tears fill her eyes. Damnit! why did she have to pick up the phone while she wasn't being ready? She had been texting him for weeks while he was away with the club for an out-of-town operation and he never returned her texts because of reasons? She had no clues. She was fine when he wasn't responding because she didn't have to deal with the consequences of her texts but he did more than text back. HE CALLED! She was panicking and bit her bottom lip harder.

"I can hear you breathe over the phone Bella, answer me. I know you're there."

"Fuck you Tig." She managed to say in a very shaky voice, which hinted at her being uncomfortable having him over the phone as well as feeling shy. He could tell by the sound she made right after, a mix of a groan of relief and shame which made him chuckle.

"It's just me Asma. There's no need to panic."

"I'm /not./ panicking asshole! I just... How come you're calling me after you ignored all the texts I kept sending you?!" -There she was, using justified (although faux) anger to lash out at him. He had earned this one, he didn't text her back. "Did you even read my texts?"

"I read them all!" Tig answered, scratching the tip of his nose. 

Of course, it was complicated to even consider a relationship with someone who wasn't in the club or a crow eater because she couldn't be made aware of his plans or of the extra-curriculum of the club in case she was questioned. Daniel Quinonez, that asshole who couldn't let go of Jessica, already questioned her about her clients that other day, especially Jax Teller since he was known for going to her for new inks or for fixing damaged ones. Tig knew that he shouldn't be pursuing a relationship with her, but the night they spent together haunted him. It lasted one full night and it was blissful. he already knew that Asma was more than meet the eye and she did have her struggles but actually getting to know her changed everything for him. 

He discovered many sides of Asma he never could have imagined she'd have. A sensitive one who would give him tenderness after the deed was done. He still remembered her arms around his neck, petting his hair and telling him he was safe and alright in her arms. A sensual side of her that made his body tense at the thought of her dangerous curves and her moans and the sexy way she had to bit her bottom lip whenever he was shoving his cock deep inside of her. A side that sent shivers down his spine and made him lick his lips as he remembered how she tasted. A tougher side of her that excited him. Sure, she never killed but she could throw a punch, she could fight whoever tried to harm someone she cared about. She learned how to fire a gun and manage it but abhorred the use of a weapon and would never use it. He saw her be protective towards Jessica and fight with her foul mouth any asshole who tried to get closer to her. Finally, he saw her be fragile, a self-conscious about her limp and her alcohol addiction. He saw her try to push him away because she remembered how it was with Elias and didn't want to relive the same thing over again.

"You did?" -She could feel him nod over the phone-

"Twice each time you sent me one, beautiful. I just couldn't answer you. We're dealing with some pretty serious shit so I was focused on doing my part."

"So you think calling me would make amend for not answering my texts?" He chuckled at her words. He could tell by the sound of her voice that she wasn't angry but was trying REALLY hard to be. So he played along to make her feel more comfortable.

"Well, fuck me if I was wrong. I thought you'd like a call."

"You're silly!" She groaned and then leaned into her chair. "How have you been?" She asked, still in the mood for sulking but actually feeling a little better now that she spat her "venom" at him.

"Well. Better now that I'm talking to you, Bella. Been worried actually." It made her groan louder and she shook her head. "I'm serious. last time we talked you told me that your crazy-ex sent you a yellow rose. Is he still in town? Are you safe?"

"................." She stopped breathing for a minute. He asked it so casually but she couldn't be surprised. Of course he'd want to know and of course, she couldn't tell him. She promised Jessica nobody would know about her killing Oscar in her own house. She couldn't put her friend's safety and "tranquility" in jeopardy and couldn' take the risk to have an angry Jax come at her for endangering his wife and unborn child. "He's gone." Was all she could whisper before she ran her hand through her pink locks and grabbed a fist of her hair. 

"Are you sure about that? I could take a look when I--"

"I'm sure. He's gone. He's never coming back Tig." She then bent a little forward and leaned her elbows on her lap. "Look, you don't have to worry about me right now. I'm alright. What if we talk about you coming to my shop when you're home?"

He paused for a while, unsure of how to take it. It sounded fishy, forced but she was sincere when she said Oscar was not a problem anymore. He decided he didn't need to know how that was possible and instead he should focus on the young woman. He's missed her greatly and he knew she was missing him from the texts she sent him so there was no mystery left here but only an opportunity. Tig scratched the back of his head and looked up to see Chibs and Bobby talk about their next moves. They had noticed that he had tried to isolate himself and seemed to be in a better mood than they'd seen him in a long while. Of course, they wanted to tease him with that mysterious lady who was keeping his mind busy and they would, once Tig would hang up the phone.

"Sure, sounds like a great plan. What about.." He paused for a minute. "What about a proper dinner?"

"A dinner? You've done something like that before or are you trying to be fancy for me?"

"You've never been treated to one before, I was thinking it could be a nice start."

She breathed over the phone, once again surprised he would ever want to treat her that nicely and feeling herself hyperventilate. She loved the idea of being treated to a nice dinner but never, since Oscar, had she set a foot at a restaurant. There were fine joints that were expensive and out of Tig's element so he wouldn't take her to those fancy French restaurants and other weird cuisine. He had a better idea in mind. A better place where she would eat nice real American food and be filled for days. He had in mind the best ribs restaurant of the town, someplace very warm and decent where he hadn't been in ages. His game was rusty but he wanted to dust it off because she was worth the efforts. 

"You're taking me to dinner?" He chuckled over the phone once again, but she could guess he was actually feeling a little shy too. Tig wasn't the kind of man to back down or feel ashamed of what he was doing so it wasn't Shame he was feeling. Tig was pleased by his idea and a bit shaky because he realized that he liked her enough to treat her to a restaurant. He realized that she was making him feel all types of feelings and he didn't know why just yet. 

"What say you?"

"Yes?... I mean.. yes of course. We'd have dinner and then a beer at a nice joint? then a walk?"

"You'd get to decide how the rest of the night would unfold although I have to be honest with you Bella, you are very attractive and I would very much want to spend the rest of the night with you. If you get what I mean." She didn't, it flew past her mind and she nodded at him.

"Yes we'd have dinner and then a beer and then you'd walk me home."

"I don't think you understood. I was trying to be poetic here. I meant, I very much want to do a part 2 of the night we spent before I left." He felt her swallow hard and imagined her twirl some of her pink locks.

"'Really?"' Here he was acting like a gentleman. It would have been easier with a crow eater, he could have just whipped his dick out and everything would be done but with Asma, he decided to actually put some efforts into seducing her. Spending some quality time seemed like a great idea. "I mean.. I know it... I mean.. you want to do it again?"

"Pfft don't insult me. Of course, I do! I'm not blind or made of wood! So...You know what I want to do, I'll leave you to your thoughts. I'll be home soon"

"Okay." She said as he hung up the phone. Her heart pounded hard against her ribcage and she looked at her screen. He did call, she didn't dream that shit up. He called her! It made her bit her bottom lip and put her phone against her chest. "Fuck yeah!" She said, quickly texting Jessica.

#Tig and I have a date for when the boys are home.#

#This is great! We need to make sure your A game is on point then!#

#It starts with a dinner! HELP ME, Jessica! I haven't been invited to a dinner in ages!#

#LOL no worries. Mama Jess to the rescue. Come over when you're done working and we'll review your outfits./Love you.#

#Sure! Thank you! Love you too.#

When Tig hung up the phone, he was met with grins and chuckles from Bobby and Chibs. They knew their brother and they knew that a woman had turned his world upside down to the point he couldn't do otherwise but spit it out. They were about to ask who the girl was when Opie entered the scene and ruined the mood.

(TBC)

COPG If only we could talk

I sometimes wish I could be in touch with the goddess who is trapped inside of me.

I have always wanted to know who Elpis truly was and why Pride was hell-bent on taking her back.

I got it, she was the goddess of Light and Hope. No mortal could ever compare to her. 

She made him feel things he never felt before. A sense of being complete and whole, I understand.

After all, he was the son of Hades. He was a prince without a realm, a king without a crown.

And he was certainly known for being a monster, or a lethal weapon depending on who you asked.

She was the first to see him as more than that, as more than just evil for the sake of evil or a pawn.

She saw him for who he truly was and I envied the goddess as well as being grateful she did.

Sure, the Pride she used to know wasn't there anymore. He lived his life as if he'd never met her.

He was colder than she could remember, worse maybe than she could ever think of and yet.. yet...

Something changed when he met me. Something changed when he remembered her. 

Memories of a life that was denied to him resurfaced, 

spending time with me awoke feelings he never felt

Something was different from the day he set his eyes on me and our destinies entwined. He was new

He was different, I couldn't really point out what had changed but I knew he wasn't the same.

From monster to a sentient being, he had changed before my eyes. I didn't see the monster in him

He behaved with me in ways he wouldn't have if it wasn't for me, or maybe was it because I was her?

I couldn't tell

How much his behavior had to do with my uncanny resemblance to her. I couldn't tell.

I didn't actually want to know because part of me believe that my feelings were my own.

Yes, I fell in love with a monster but a monster to me he was never, a man he wasn't either.

To me, it was confusing because he presented himself as such so I applied our concepts to him.

Love, compassion, pity, desire... I wanted him to understand the way I felt for him, I forced it on him.

But he always reminded me that he wasn't a /man/ He wasn't of my kind, he was beyond humanity.

At times I could see it when he let a tiny fraction of his anger sparkle in front of him

And I realized that he wasn't meant to share my life, he was far more formidable for a mere mortal.

He was meant for a goddess, a goddess like her.

How I wish we could have talked her and me! I wish we could have told stories about that Sin.

I would have told her how much he meant to me and how sad I felt for having to forget him.

It would end up to be a fairytale or a dream, or just simply the idea he never existed in the first place.

He would become a fog in my brain, a distant dream that I couldn't remember, so I hope for a feeling.

At least if I had a sensation that could summarize all we've been through, some sort of awe...

At least if I could still paint his grandiose adventures, his epic battles against his siblings...

My life would have a meaning I am not sure I could give if he erases himself from my memory

Or maybe I'm just delusional, like a lover being left behind because the love is over but they fight still

I wish we could talk, Elpis and I, so I would see with my very eyes how come he fell in love with her.

I want to know if beyond the light and the charm there is something deeper that connects them.

Who am I kidding? Of course, there is. She sent me dreams for weeks, of just the two of them.

So I know. Don't I? I know why he was so attached to her and why she was so fond of him.

The yin and the yang of the universe, The New Hades and the New Persephone... That was them.

She loved him with the purest and most powerful form of love that could possibly exist between souls

The one that despite knowing who he really was, she dived head first into the chaos that was love.

The one that despite knowing who he really was, she refused to give up on him and resisted threats

She sacrificed herself for their love, believed that it was strong enough for him to find her again

It was that kind of love that had no limits, no boundaries, no expiration date and I was in awe

She struggled for millennia, fighting on her own a battle she wasn't even sure to win but she promised

She promised to find him again and make it possible for the two of them to reunite so she held on.

She fought like a beast to breach the veil and make him remember her and it affected the world too.

The world remembered Hope, the gods and sins remembered it as well and I carried it

That was my mission. That was my purpose. To carry safely Hope until I could release it.

In a way, it was a beautiful purpose I had, one of epic proportion: Birthing Hope into this World

How poetic! How tragic as well because I would never be able to talk to her and tell her these words

"I beg of you sweet daughter of Gaea, never let your love for our Pride falter and vanish."

I could have said more but this actually was all I could say. 

Pride thought he didn't need to be loved but only to be feared. 

I knew this was a lie he kept telling to himself because he remembered how it felt to be loved by her

He came to take her back, he came to feel this love for him back.

He remembered and I wanted her to keep giving him her love for he needed it.

And because I would stop loving him the minute he would erase my memory of him.

And I couldn't stomach the idea of him being alone again for centuries or millennia.

I believe I prepared him for her return, but I urged her not to give up on loving him

Even if he's different

Even if he's the worst version of himself

Even if their bond was altered to the point only a thin thread survived the ordeal.

If only we could talk, Elpis and I, I would tell her all of this and so much more

But we can't.

I can only hope she understands how I am feeling right now.

I can only hope.

SoA: A slice of cake -Asma and Jess-

Asma finally visited Jessica several weeks after she burned the box with Oscar's belonging. She couldn't bring herself to leave her house, not even for work and stayed home for a while. They still talked through texts and phone calls because Jessica wanted to know what was going through her friend's head. There came a moment when Jessica asked for her friend to come over because it had been a while since they last talked so Asma agreed to do it. She baked a cake for Jessica and the boys, she took to Jess' house. The brunette had a sweet tooth, even more since she was pregnant. Besides,  what better way to talk about life than by sharing a delicious slice of cake and drink a delicious tea with it?

Asma had so much to talk about. She wanted to talk about the progress she made and how difficult it was for her to stay sober despite her best efforts. Yes, she was under pressure when Jessica gave her the box. She was feeling so bad that at some point she considered chugging down a bottle of wine but resisted the urge. She already gave into it a few months ago when Jax found her at the bar. Sure, Oscar finding her seriously put her efforts in jeopardy but Jessica was there and helped her friend stay sober. Why would burning a box impact on her resolve? She resisted which was really nice and even found a renewal of her strength since the accident happened.

"It's been a while since we last saw each other." Jessica began as Asma was cutting the cake for both of them. "How have you been?"

"Better...I've been better since...How--How are you doing?" She asked as she handed her the plate and fetched herself a slice. 

"Actually I'm doing okay. Awfully busy but okay and still sick as you can see but, not so much because of morning sickness. It's behind me."

"Oh, so the baby has settled nicely inside of you then?" Asma teased her as she poured hot water on two tea-cups and handed one to Jessica. 

"It's going to leave that body soon enough I hope." She said rubbing her round belly. It had grown in size since Oscar died and had Asma look at her best friend with a warm gaze. "I don't know how to feel about it. I mean... I'm getting used to being pregnant you know? I don't know if I want the baby to leave my body and meet this world."

"It's worth seeing you know?  The world. That baby has to meet its dad and its brothers. It has to grow into a beautiful person. It has to experience life despite you trying to protect it as much as you could, from the outside world."

"You got me Azz. I want to protect it from the world but at the same time, I am excited about that little bean meeting its dad and brothers for the first time." She said smiling to herself as she grabbed the cup of tea and smelled it.

"And aunts and uncles. Everybody wants to meet the baby, I included. I am thinking about a present cause I want to spoil it rotten before it's even conscious it is spoiled rotten." She said with a chuckle. "I want it to know that I did everything I could to stay alive and be decent enough for it to meet me. I am making efforts for you, for the baby, for myself. I've been sober for quite some time now..."

"Yes, more than a year! congratulations Asma!"

"Less than a year," Asma said, clearing her throat as Jessica put the teacup on the table. "I...failed. A couple of months ago, I would have celebrated my one year anniversary of being sober but I failed and gave into my urges and drank. I texted you that night but I messed up and Jax received it and came to me. We talked that night.." Asma bit her bottom lip and looked up at the ceiling as she felt shame overwhelm her. "He comforted me...Told me that it happened to slip and fail and go back to drinking when things got tough and they did. I had received the yellow rose, remember? I tried to leave but you kept me around but I was so stressed... I just..." She was about to cry but Jessica put her hand over her friend's. 

"It's okay Asma. It's a very difficult battle and you fought hard. You gave in one time and you started over. It's all that is being asked from you, to start over when you fall. I didn't know you drank that night but I am glad Jax found you. I am  glad you didn't drink after that." She said in a reassuring tone and squeezed her hand tighter. 

"You always know what to tell me. I feel much better with you here. It's just so difficult to talk about it  because I always fear you would turn your back on me."

"This is silly. I would not turn my back on you for any reason possible. I just wouldn't. We've been through thick and thin ever since we met and nothing is going to stop me from loving you"

"And I, you. So.." Asma sighed and took a sip of her tea. "About Jax and the boys, where are they?"

"I don't know Azz. All I know is that they are alright I guess? I want them home you know? I want Jax home but he's not coming back until shit's settled or whatever...I'll have to wait some more.And it's /killing me/! you know?!" She said munching on the slice of cake. Asma chuckled and nodded.

"I do know. I want to see Tig again."

"Ooohh...He's..he's taking good care of you right?" Asma nodded and then bit at her thumb.

"It was unexpected. I feel funny in the legs. My heart beats way too fast..He's a good guy I think"

"You are so cute when you're infatuated." It was welcome. It actually helped Jessica think of something else than Jax not being home and how much she cruelly missed him. Abel and Thomas ran around the living room, with toy cars in their hands as they were having fun together and then Thomas stopped and put his hands on Asma's legs.

"Can I have a slice of cake please?"

"I don't know, what does your mother say?" She asked, looking up at Jessica's face.

"Please mommy! I'd like a piece of cake!"

"I'd like one too!" Abel said, also laying his tiny hands onto Asma's lap. "Please mommy! I want some cake!"

"Ahahaahh jelly beans, maybe if you went and put your hands on mommy she would accept!"

"Asma you're terrible!" She said while the boys swarmed their mother with affection and big begging eyes. The cake smelled good and they enjoyed Asma's culinary skills so of course, they would not stop until one of them gave up. "I can't resist your faces and you asked so nicely. Here you are." She said cutting a big slice she then cut in two smaller slices and gave to each of the boys. "Take a seat and eat there." She watched as the boys brought their small chairs to the table and sat next to Jessica in order to eat in front of her.

"I love being terrible! Motherhood suits you very well." She said leaning her head against her warm palm.

"You think so?" Asma nodded and took another bite of her cake. "Yeah?" Asma nodded again. "Oh well... you're making me feel all mushy now."

"I'm just saying the truth. you're a great mother. You'll be great to your babe-in-waiting!"

"Babe-in-waiting?" She laughed, unable to hold back her laughter any longer. Asma wasn't even trying to make her laugh but there just was this moment of peace, where she was with her little ones and Asma, eating cake and laughing about life. Jessica needed a moment like this one and she was grateful to have Asma with her. They kept talking about Tig, Jax, parenthood and Asma's return to her parlor as well as her doing races again. It was a nice Sunday, with just the four of them and the boys being happy because they could eat some cake, Jessica feeling relaxed because her baby was healthy and she had her sister by her sides and Asma feeling at peace with Jessica by her sides. She smiled and hummed a soft tune as she drank her tea and talked with her sister and her nephews.

Doya : The guy in the chair

A/N: She's recovering all right, and Dean promised her to take her out for lunch in the middle of an investigation so she doesn't stay in the motel room throughout the whole thing. As a sign of her coming back to her old self, here you have some jealous Oya and an overwhelmed Dean ahah  

XXXX

The investigation was taking a lot more time than they suspected because they couldn't locate soon enough the vampire nest much to Oya's dismay. She enjoyed going on a hunt with both Dean and Sam -especially after her birthday spent with the two of them- but she felt stuck in her rôle as the guy in the chair because the brothers would do all the heavy lifting while she waited in their motel room for a phone call about a research here and there. If it was a witch or a monster they had not fought yet -for example, anyone from her folklore- then things would have been exciting, but they were hunting vampires and since the Alpha wasn't even involved in the disappearances, the case lost its interest for Oya. Of course, she would still help and they would get rid of the nest, but not being able to go on the field felt very limiting and she hated it. Dean felt her frustration and decided to help her. He promised she would leave the motel room and hang out with them. Today the mission was simple, he could take her to the morgue so they could take a look at the bodies and try and find some clues about where they could have been killed -not dumped- to narrow their researchers. She was a professional coroner so it would not be too difficult to sneak under the radar and talk to the local coroner.

However, Oya needed some fresh air and the best way would be to take her to lunch. So they went. All three of them went to the local diner where they knew would be pies and other delicious greasy food. Dean was pleased to see Oya wear a lovely yellow dress that made her look tiny and cute and sexy at the same time. He loved how the dress clung to her generous curves and yet was fluid and short enough to let her breathe under the fabric. You wouldn't believe she had been shot three weeks ago.She had kept the faux-rings they used when they tried to rescue Leda and Nadya as pendants she would nervously play with when she felt stressed and he noticed but said nothing about it. He wasn't very comfortable with the idea of being « married » to her, especially since marriage felt a lot like the end. -maybe that was because his parents died. His mom did first, then his dad lost himself into his job and died to try to avenge his wife. Dean didn't want to experience the same thing, especially since he saw how he reacted when Oya was injured. He nearly lost his mind thinking she might die from that gunshot.- YET, he had to admit that it was somehow sweet to spend some time pretending he was married to Oya. They weren't themselves most of the time But he liked how it made him feel. To have some sort of routine, to find her at home, happy to see him home. That wouldn't become something more and he had NO plans to getting married to her, and neither did she. It just was a time of their lives where they lived this weird parallel uncanny life she liked.

Oya sat in between Dean and Sam at this nice dinner. She had not been with the two of them for some time so she was very excited about talking with them. She went on and on about how it sucked being stuck at home and how she had missed being on the field. She talked about her injuries and how it sucked because it didn't heal fast enough for her taste but they both told her they were glad she didn't have any complications and was recovering fairly well for someone who was shot in the guts.  Then the conversation shifted to something a lot more "pleasant": Work. They talked about how complicated it was for them to find the nest and how many young kids disappeared at an alarming rate and they couldn't seem to find the nest. Oya suggested that maybe they were taking the problem from the wrong angle and that the kids were probably out of town and that was why they couldn't find the nest in town. Would vampires hunt outside of their comfort zone? It made the brothers furrow their brows but it wasn't a dumb suggestion. How could they track them if that was the case? She suggested that the kids had to have a link that could explain why they could disappear without being noticed. The profile had to be the same even though the victims were vastly different in terms of ethnicities and social backgrounds. Some were rich, others were homeless so they better have a link.

"I would investigate on that, the places they used to go, the people they use to see."

"Sam....I saved you some troubles and narrowed down searches to three places we know most of those kids went to. The Youth center, the  local gym and there's this dinner called Barbershop where many of them were last seen."

"Is that me or are we in some Law and Order episode?" Dean asked her in order to make her smirk, which she did.


"Is this your way to say I did a good job? I'm the guy in the chair anyway, of course, I'd do a great job!" She asked, leaning into the chair. He grinned at her and held her hand but they were interrupted by the waitress, a cute blonde woman with a very nice figure Oya didn't miss, who seemingly had been ogling Dean from across the counter. Well, Oya didn't need this to be true to get fired up. She simply needed to think about what could possibly happen to be pissed off.  "What do you want?" She sneered at her, brows furrowed.

"I came to take your orders ma'am." She said, tucking some blonde locks behind her ear. "You haven't ordered anything to eat and you've been here for a while so I was thinking.."

"You thought good," Sam said. "We're starving. We'd have burgers and fries, with beers."

"For all three of you?"

"Yes, unless you'd want something different Dean?" He asked, looking at his older brother who was oblivious to the admirative stare of the waitress. Oya wasn't and she shot daggers at her as well as at Dean who swallowed a lump and cleared his throat. "Anything different or we're good?"'

"Is Dean your name?" The waitress asked, as she turned her back at Oya and put herself in between Dean and her. Of course she was just trying to make contact, she had not seen how close he was of Oya, hadn't seen them hold hands or him stroke her shoulder before she came to their tables and they were wearing professional attires (Oya still had her jacket of the FBI since it was a fresh day, so she assumed they were agents on the field to tackle the disappearing of several kids. "It's a gorgeous name!" Dean grinned, oblivious to the young woman's attempt at seducing him.

"I know right? Thank you, EErr Marcy! You also have a very sweet name." He said to her with a nice smirk. Oya kept on shooting daggers at both of them, especially Dean since he didn't seem to realize what was happening. Marcy let her hand wander and put it on Dean's shoulder. She held onto it and gently stroked it, which achieved to anger Oya.

"We're good." The African hunter groaned, her eyes narrowed as she perceived this gorgeous blonde as a threat. Rightfully so since she was obviously trying to get into Dean's pants but it still was overreacting because she /knew/ Dean didn't care about that. He didn't care so much that he didn't realize she was flirting with him. "Maybe you could give our order and leave us the fuck alone."

"Oya." Sam scratched the back of his neck, knowing too well than escalate the situation. He cleared his throat as a way to ask her to calm herself down but she didn't. She noticed and knew what he meant but decided to ignore it altogether.

"Oh, I will ma'am. I just wanted to talk to your colleague a little bit." She said, blushing and tucking some more golden locks behind her ear.

"You mean you were flirting with him?"

"I didn't mean to offend."

"Oya it's enough."

"Enough? Can't a woman go have lunch with her boyfriend without being motherfucking disrespected by the very first blonde tramp working at a dinner joint?" She raised her voice and crossed her arms as the blonde was mortified. It wasn't needed and Oya knew deep inside that she was not correct but it had been a while since she went out with him and just the thought of all these pretty girls flirting with Dean was STILL upsetting her. Marcy turned red from shame.

"I didn't know you were together. I had no clues, I thought since you were colleagues that you couldn't fraternize.."

"I don't fucking CARE! What are you still doing next to my boyfriend? Get the fuck out of here and give our order!" She yelled at the young woman, making her scurry out of the place. Dean blinked at her.

"Why did you do that?" -Sam cleared his throat and stood up.-

"I'm going to the restroom."

"No sit there!" Oya said. "Dean, I think you're adorable and very cute because you're oblivious to what's going on but for fuck sake, she was flirting with you and you let her touch you!"

"It wouldn't have gone far! she touched my shoulder!" He said, scratching the back of his head.

"And next time she would have stroked your cheek! You're fucking attractive! You're so sexy--"

"I need to be out of this! guys!" Sam complained! He didn't want to listen to someone else gush about how sexy his older brother was, no matter how true that was. Oya was pissed off because her territorial self couldn't accept that someone touched him and it was moving Dean who could see and feel how much she cared about him and how much she valued him and it pleased him even though he didn't like when she was upset like that.

"Sit still!" She commanded and crossed her arms and pouted.

"Oya, come on."

"No." She puffed her cheeks. "You're too damn oblivious for your own good. They would try to get into your pants."

"And you think that men or women wouldn't want to get into yours? Do you want me to remind you of Jen?" He asked, lifting a brow. Jen was Oya's friend from before the Winchesters who ended up actually wanting to jump into Oya's pants and tricked her some night they were hunting together. Being first degree and very naive at times Oya didn't see that coming and while the events unfolded in front of Dean (through the phone conversation they had), she felt terrible for not having noticed it before. it shut her mouth and she pouted harder.

"Fuck you, Dickhead!""

"Fuck you too, Bitch! I didn't forget what happened and trust me, I feel the same as you do right now because you're amazing and sexy and too damn gorgeous to have people NOT wanting to be with you too. How do you think I feel when you're away on a mission? And with what happened with Jen, I'm worried you would not see that coming again."

"Wait what happened with Jen?" Sam asked, unaware of this misadventure.

"You wouldn't want to know," Dean added while he held Oya's hand. "You've been rude to her."

"Because she touched you. I hate that when someone touches you. You're mine to touch." She wasn't angry anymore, his words had worked well on her so she was just a bit upset.

"I know." He grinned and pushed his chair closer to hers. "While it usually is very funny, this time I thought you would have slapped that poor girl."

"I think you don't need me right now. I'll be back and you gotta explain to me who this Jen is." Sam said as he left the table. Dean put his head a little forward so she could grab it with both hands and she nuzzled his nose.

"You are quite something Mr. Winchester." She pecked his lips.

"Are you still mad?" She shook her head and pressed her lips against his again.

"Not anymore." Dean sighed in relief and chuckled.

"Someday you really would fight someone over a glance at me."

"Who said I hadn't already?" She pressed her lips against his some more and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. "It's good to be back on the field though. I can't wait to be fully healed so we could hunt together again"

"Sure, but you're great at being our guy in the chair so far."

"Better this than nothing!" She grinned and released him so he could sit normally again, his hand over her leg under the table.

(TBC)