Arthur never truly spoke with Tommy about one of his deepest fears. He couldn’t tell his brother about the nights spent drinking himself to sleep, smoking until his lips parched up, or using drugs as a way to escape the Fresh hell he was going through. He never got to sit and tell his younger brother how guilty he felt for Grace’s death. He loved this woman like a sister and after her death, he still believed it was his fault. That he didn’t protect her enough. Arthur never got to talk about the guilt he felt about John’s death and the desire to trade places with the best of them all. He let Esmee take John’s kids. He didn’t even fight for them and never tried to visit or reach them. Arthur felt guilty about a lot of things, even his drug and alcohol intake, even his failing marriage with Lydia. Even the fact he was a useless elder brother. He felt like a giant failure. He felt….
Worried about losing Mary, worried about being useless again, Arthur had resumed heavy drinking. He was barely in shape to do his work, his sister Ada, aunt Polly, and even Tommy all cared for him but he could see how tired of him they were. He could see how much of a burden he was. Still…. Still…. Mary was there.
And Arthur was scared of losing her. He was scared of failing her (and Tommy) again. He was plagued with nightmares about the day he would see the distraught face of his brother. About his own heartbreak over losing another sister. About…. Oh god, he would not let it happen. He couldn’t let it happen.
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