DOYA: Oya and Castiel

 Oya and Castiel :

Castiel and I started on the wrong foot, the wrong kind. Part of it was due to my deep hatred of angels. I couldn't fathom the idea that Castiel was different from those celestials. It couldn't be true. I hated the fact Dean and Sam were close to him, I judged him before even knowing him but he didn't let me. We butted heads so many times at the beginning, especially when I wasn't feeling « home » yet. It was ugly between the two of us, mostly because...I was prejudiced against Castiel. After all, Angels were deceivers to me, they still are. They drape themselves in this holier-than-thou attitude when they are nothing but a bunch of liars and hypocrites.

They are nothing but monsters who would pretend they care about mankind when they absolutely don't give a fuck about us. They don't give a fuck about humans, they'd rather see us dead but because their precious God made humans their responsibilities, then they have to watch on us and protect us. We were taught to believe that angels would guard us, protect us... but where were they when my entire family was slaughtered because of a monster? Where are they when hundreds of people are being killed by monsters? Where are they when this world is cruel and unfair? When innocents die and criminals live? Where were they when my dad had cancer and died in front of me? Where were they? Where was their comfort when I most needed it? NOWHERE! It was nowhere!

I prayed and prayed and nobody answered my cries for help! Nobody guided me or helped me mourn their deaths! NOBODY! So yeah, I didn't like Castiel because of his brothers and sisters but we managed to get along just fine. I chose to get to know him and I am glad I did. Castiel is just as fucked up as we all are. Dean and Sam, Castiel and I are broken ladders trying to support one another. We're broken, that's... that's true. Him more than anyone I came to know. We talked in depths about our regrets and what we messed up. We shared our thoughts about our guilt and how we were trying to fix things or at least make amends for our fault. He gets me and I get him. We both feel guilty about things we had control over and things we don't. We take the blame, we carry the guilt and sometimes, we do tend to wallow in it and push away those who care about us. He understands why at the beginning, I tried to run away. He understands the fact I felt lost, confused and like I didn't belong. He understands my need to protect Sam and Dean and keep them together....even if that means I shall die for that. He understands... because he would have done the same.

Our relationship got better to the point that we joke around one another. Do we fully understand each other? I doubt so. His whole stoic attitude sometimes gets on my nerves but it's also part of..who he is and why he gets along so well with the other two. I've never seen people so emotionally constipated. I know, I know, I am not the poster child for being open but I can more easily talk about how I feel... now, do I? I guess. I mean, I keep saying that I am open about how I feel but this is not true at all.. this is not true because I refuse to think deeply about my feelings for Dean. I'm very okay with how things are and I can't possibly want more than that. We're good and it's all I could have asked for. I like Dean... I like him a lot. I like his presence by my side. I like spending time with him, I like when we sleep together and when we have sex together and when we work cases together. Would I say it out loud? You will never catch me do that. So, does that make me someone emotionally constipated? Probably. Probably...