About Archangel

Just like I did with Doom, Wolverine/Storm, Gambit/Rogue, last year. I'm going to do the same with Archangel. This is just my vision of the character and why I love him so much. 

Xx

I am very attached to Archangel and it took me several years to understand why. At the very beginning, when I was first introduced to the x-men, he still was Angel and I didn't care about him. He was yet another white billionaire, had wings which I found was very lame and a bland playboy personality which didn't make him memorable. I ignored him fiercely until someday, something terrible happened to him.

See, Angel was a good person at his very core. A little bit boy scout and a lot blander rich guy who's always with a hot babe in his arm. He was a golden boy to say the very least. He became interesting to me when he faced the biggest tragedy someone can ever face: He lost his identity. He lost his wings.

Warren always looked like the common representation people have of angels. He was blonde, he was pale, he had blue eyes. He was tall and well-built. Atheltic and a hero. He had feathered wings. He looked immaculate. He « acted » immaculate. He was true to his codename. A real Angel. Was he really? Not only was it traumatic and painful for the poor guy to lose his wings, but along with them, he lost his identity. He wasn't Angel anymore, he wasn't good to be an x-men according to himself, he wasn't « pretty » anymore, he wasn't « pure ». He became a Man and he rejected this version of himself he thought had less value than the feathered-winged mutant he used to be. When you think of it, to me, it appears that he rejected his very self. His core. His true-self if you will. Warren could have reinvented himself, he could have accepted and embraced a life without the power to fly he had (he still had his other secondary powers on). He would have survived because Warren wasn't just Angel. But he rejected it all. He considered himself done. It broke my heart when I read this issue because I honestly felt the very same way. I was supposed to be brainy, the straight upgrade A student and among my friends, the one they all came to for advises and who couldn't fail or desire anything. I was this person and this person wasn't who I really was. Yet, I was convinced to only be this. I thought my only value were my grades and the advises I gave others, so changing this, taking care of myself and listening to my very needs was already very alien to me and I was scared to do so. So I let things happen the way they did. I became a watcher of my very own life. So reading Warren going through the very same really reached out to me and I so strongly felt for him. But it became worse.

Incapable of making peace with what happened to him (UNLIKE STORM WHO AFTER BEING DEPRESSED DECIDED TO TAKE CONTROL OF HER LIFE AND TURNED INTO BEING EVEN MORE BADASS THEN WHEN SHE HAD POWERS. How interesting to see two characters deal differently with the same issues. I love you Storm! <3 ) He sought a quick solution to regain his wings back. He was desperate and obsessed you know? He was willing to do anything to be Angel again and fell into the very bad hands of Mr. Sinister. It rang a bell in me, years later after this issue came out, I realized that the very same thing happened to me, circa 2009/2010. I also fell into the wrong circle of « friends », something that led to yet another horrible and traumatic experience. He went to Mr. Sinister and underwent a traumatic and painful experiment that turned his skin blue, gave him metallic wings. His physical change was a beautiful symbolic way to show his internal change. How broken Warren became. How tainted he was. For someone who used to be the poster child for anything « pure and angelic, » he became a true demon. Unfortunately for him, he was being used as a pawn by Mr. Sinister and by extension Apocalypse who turned him into one of his Horsemen. Horseman Death!

I'm not going to analyze the ridiculously awesome (yet so very simple and at times cliché) comparison between Archangel/Angel who looked like an Angel but turned out to be a demon and Kurt/Nightcrawler who looked like a demon but actually was a true Angel. That alone deserves yet another full-blown commentary:D so I'm going to skip it and focus on Archangel.

Archangel was forced to do things he didn't want to do. He paid for his reckless and desperate decision to have himself « fixed ». He paid for not having been able to accept himself for who he really was and for using shortcuts. He really suffered. Forced to witness and being unable to stop his bloodthirsty rampage of violence, he killed, maimed, slaughtered innocent souls regardless of age, gender, sex, and the rest. He killed. He fell. If we were to talk about Angelic imagery, he became akin to Lucifer and fell into the pits of hell because he sinned (when he went to Mr. Sinister). Warren's soul was tormented and reading his suffering truly made my very own heart bleed. I wasn't confused, but I related to him, in my very own and less epic way. Way back in the days but even more today. I am so fond of my baby and I want to protect him and have him know better days. He did, back in the 90's/2000. He did when he was set free from Apocalypse and returned to the x-men but he was forever tainted by evil, forever struggling with what he did and his identity. Who was he today? Was he, Warren? Was he Archangel? Could he even be Angel again? Did he want to be Angel? His metallic wings embodied his new persona and new life. It was a constant reminder of his shame. Of his crimes. He tried his very best to turn his pain into something beautiful and at times succeeded, at times failed.

But his story kind of split in several small paths. In some of them, he succeeded in redeeming himself and returned to being Angel. I think it's beautiful if he was able to make peace with himself and in my headcanon, this would forever be my goals when writing him. Having him redeem himself from his past crimes, forgiving himself for these and embracing life once more. But there are in some others, the threat of him becoming once again Apocalypse Horseman. He would forever be tempted to return to his old ways, to carry once again the cross and burden of his old ways. To never seem to forgive himself and return to a life of grief, shame, and suffering. That is also in my headcanons. He could return at any moment to this state of mind, he's always on the verge of becoming Horseman Death but he's struggling like a Lion because he chose to move on. He chose to redeem himself.

Redemption. If I were to summarize in one word what Archangel means to me it is Redemption. He represents that part of myself who so desperately needs to forgive me for what happened in my past. Most of it wasn't my fault and I've yet to understand and accept that. Victim-blaming is still really strong and internalized in me but walking in Archangel's shoes, writing his stories truly helps me walk on the path of recovery. I am REALLY fond of the character and although my version of him might not be Chris Claremont's level. I really can't expect to have him cheapen out like he was in the movies. Give this kid the arc he deserves. Give this kid the story he deserves. About a fool who wasn't able to accept himself and because he was desperate fell into the wrong hands who turned him into a killing machine. Give ME the story of a man who's looking for a way to redeem himself and turn the horrible past he lived into something beautiful and positive. Give me the story of a man, who didn't want to just be a man but instead an image of himself he actually never truly was. (he never was an angel..never). Give me the story of a man who found peace and who forgive himself for his own weakness and old mindset.

I love you, Archie, you're going to be great I promise <3  

love hurts

Love hurts

A/N I honestly felt nostalgic, thinking about a very long time partner and ex of mine, with whom I mastered the art of complicated love stories, whammy scenes, beautiful feel-good moments and terribly terrible moments that affected me in RL. He had a beautiful way with words and although things went really sour and it's all in the past, I still fondly read our threads. The tribute below is a summary of our last story, from the POV of the Human!Asma I used to RP with him. You don't have to read or mind. I've just been very emotional these past few days and needed a way to get it out of my system, bring some closure to the RP side of this relationship:)

xxxxxxxxxx

Love hurts.

Smoking never was a habit she liked to display. It was bad for her throat and she knew that if she kept doing so, she wouldn't be able to sing anymore. It was bad for her lungs, made her cough more than usual, made her even feel nauseous. She didn't enjoy it, yet she kept doing it because it was the only way she found to relieve herself from the stress of life. Her hazel eyes gazed into the distance as she looked at the man who was responsible for the stress. Rick Blaine. She still remembered the past 4 years of her life. She was looking for a club that would allow her to sing regardless of her skin color or the fact she didn't have a manager. They argued when they first met. He tried to throw her out, she held her own against him, they argued some more and then they had sex. The memory made her blush and she exhaled the smoke in a slightly embarrassed chuckle. They had sex, the very first time they met. It never happened before to either of them and the look in his eyes after they were done, the utter confusion that crossed his mind at this moment was something she could not forget and would never. He allowed her to sing, which she did beautifully and dutifully for the next following months. They became odd friends, teasing one another, talking smack and being vulgar any chance they got. It became a game for the two of them and soon she found herself to become more and more territorial with the man.

He was very famous in the area, a real chick magnet but always she noticed, he rejected them all. Always he put some distance between the women and him and it prompted her to ask his best man, Sammy, about the reason of such demeanor. It turned out he had a crush, a woman who wrecked his heart and left him when he thought they would leave together. She broke his heart and he never healed. What could she say to that? It broke hers too. She understood, somehow, how Rick felt since she was in another kind of trouble. Asma was « married », still. She fled from an unhappy marriage with a violent man who tried to exploit her skills to gain money. He was her manager and a former childhood friend who turned ugly the minute she said « yes ». Rick didn't know, but he ended up knowing much later when the pair became a couple. She felt her lips tremble as she remembered how they became an item. After a while turning around each other, one drunken night, she confessed her feelings for him. Cursed him for making her fall in love with him. Cried because she knew he couldn't be attracted to someone like her. But he was. He proved her wrong with the most passionate kiss they ever shared. He was craving for her, jealous of the attention she got from other men, nervous that she'd accept to go with any of them. He was curious about her, attracted like a moth to a flame to this woman who was impossible! She was really different from women of this time. Way ahead of the game. Clever, funny, vulgar, carefree and careless that could define her. Temperamental, childish at times and very proud could do too. But she was honest, and sincere and genuinely in love with him and the vulnerability she displayed on that day had him confess his own feelings for her too. And voilà, they became an item just like that.

And he learned the truth months later and he left her because he felt betrayed all over again. It was Ilsa all over again. She was married and left Rick after she made a fool of himself. He hated Asma for having done the same, disregarded completely the circumstances and the genuine love she felt for him and led her husband, Carl, to take her back. She felt it like a betrayal but resigned herself. She let fate took over. And both of them witnessed her downfall. She kept working at the bar because she was too popular not too. But he saw the bruises, he saw her disturbingly fast weight loss, he saw her become the living embodiment of unhappy and it hurt him. He realized he was a fool and hoped it wasn't too late for the two of them to be together again. One night, after yet another abuse from her husband at the bar, Rick had him thrown out of it and took Asma under his wing. He would shelter her just the time she would file a divorce complaint. She let him do as he pleased, having given up on everything except singing. She wasn't the master of her destiny anymore. Scared, worried, upset..both of them didn't know how to handle things and rediscover themselves. But it worked! Time helped! Divorce was filed and police took Carl away from her. Rick was nervous because of the police but was relieved they never identified him. He knew why! He was an armed smuggler during the war and fled away from justice. He hid in his bar, in this town, with these people and was afraid someone knew his real name, his past and denounced him. That also was the reason he kept it quiet with the ladies. Asma didn't know. He hid it from her.

They lived happily once again. Their love restored, their faith in one another as strong as the first time they were together. The bar was thriving, always full of happy customers. They both were at this stage in their lives where it was certain they needed one another. They wanted to take the big leap of faith and they did. He proposed. She said yes! She thought, « Maybe this is it! We're happy! I'm having my happy ending ! » but she didn't know better. One morning, he simply left with a note stating «I love you Asma. Always have and always will..I'm sorry. » Police found him, he had to escape from it. So he left. Asma was devastated. She didn't know what to do. She went to Sammy who explained to her the truth of Rick Blaine but tried to convince her that he genuinely fell in love with her and wanted to build a life with her. Really ? If he really did feel that way why didn't he tell her the truth? Months went by, then a year, then another. Asma was letting herself die, a little bit every day. She didn't understand how a man like him, a man she so fiercely loved and for whom she was willing to live an illegal life, just went away without her. Abandoned was the word and vulnerable was the other. She was convinced by Patty, her best friend, to meet other gentlemen. Not fully convinced, she did and met one of them. Francis. He was a good guy, a plain but good person who fell in love with her. He took care of her, gave her everything she needed, was rich enough to have her live a full life under his care. So after a few months, he proposed. She said yes. What else could she do?

And on her wedding day, the worst and best happened. Rick came back. He learned what happened when he was away, ran to the church, searched for her and found her in her beautiful wedding gown, walking in a circle as she was anxious about her wedding. She liked Francis, he was a good man. But her heart.. oh her heart was still broken and aching for Rick. When she saw him, she dropped her bouquet. She stared at him as if she saw a ghost and shook her head, ready to cry. He first tried to congratulate her for the wedding, told her she looked beautiful and didn't change much since they met if it wasn't for the slim figure she had now. He started to compliment Francis but it sounded phony. He sounded angry. He was angry. At himself for having left without her and found her nearly married to a plain schmuck she didn't even love. He could tell in her eyes, that she was in love with him still and just waited for him to convince her he still wanted her. Which he did. One big speech was enough to sway her in his favor and both left the church, running for their lives, feeling alive again. Euphoria left quickly as he took her to his old place and laid her on the bed. She was wearing a wedding gown that was meant to be taken out by another man and it hit him hard. He took her away from a possible boring but loving life with a man who would take care of her. He took her away from it. And he didn't even know what she felt for him anymore.

Doubt, anxiety.. worries. All the happiness of finding one another turned into guilt and shame and tears. She realized he doubted her love for him and was so upset she started to scream and fight him. How dare he doubt her when she willingly LEFT her WEDDING to a GOOD MAN to be with him? Him who hurt her more than anyone else did. HIM ? Who showed her what true love was and left her like some dirt on his shoe? He asked about her love for him? « You've changed so much... I don't know if the woman I left is the woman in front of me anymore. » Way to go Rick! Way to go! Asma was hysterical. She cried and yelled and walked in a circle around the room again before she wondered why she always ended up making the wrong choices and love the wrong men. He saw how distraught she was and felt ashamed he put her in such a position. How selfish that was of him to complain when this woman took the biggest decision of her life, for him. As he crouched in front of her, he grabbed her hands and promised her everything. He promised she would get married, to him! He promised she would be happy, with him. He promised he would never leave her behind and tell her the whole truth, his whole past. His present. And his future with her. He promised she would never cry and he even promised they would have a family because he wanted to have children with her, regardless of what people would think and say because they were different. He told her that he didn't care about the world but only cared about her. So it calmed her down. She joked about messing her face up with chocolate, which was what she always did after they had sex. And they made love on that day. All day long until the moon rose high in the sky and lightened their room.

Today she has engaged to him again and nervously looked at the man who was giving orders to his employees about the renovation of his club. She stared at him, still smoking her cig as she was wondering what was the bond that linked the two of them. If Fate brought him to her and made it happen. She was afraid he leave again, without her and didn't know how she would react if they were to have a child. She wasn't good with kids, she wasn't good as a mother. She didn't want to talk to him about not wanting a child. What if he left after that? What if he met Ilsa again and the bitch swayed him again? Never before Asma was this nervous, but she took the habit to smoke in the two years spent away from him and couldn't stop smoking, even if he was against her doing it. They would butt head often because of that. She didn't want to lose him. Maybe she was dependent on him and him on her but she felt that the love she had for this man, was immense, knew no bounds.. she knew he felt the same because he told her so but here she was, being afraid all of this was just a dream and she would wake up in a world of nightmare without him...

Love hurts. It really does.

BIGBANG - BAE BAE M/V

this has to be my favourite song from them ever!

COPG: Brutal reality

A/N: so direct follow-up to the last reply. I quit fooling around:) I think Asma is going to lose her mind right now! As usual @pride, thank you so much for allowing me to wander a bit and play around with our Storyline in between replies:) thank you for your patience and thank you for all these years with these two:) I like Asma and Pride 2.0 and I'm glad you allow me to manipulate him a bit to further the plot until you're fully back on:) thank you for reading everything as well:) <3 <3 <3

Pride belongs to my friend

Xxxxx

It was too much to take in. Her life changed in a blink of an eye. A few minutes earlier, she was still a young artist who lived a decent and quiet life. She went to that tea-room to grab some tea and sketch the man who haunted her dreams. It wasn't meant to be like this. It was meant to turn into this nightmare. As soon as she met that man, who claimed he was an entity called Pride, her life changed for the worst. The innocents who were drinking their tea and enjoying themselves were killed on spot by bullets that came out of nowhere. Asma heard their cries and screams along with the horrible noise made by the bullets breaking lamps, tables, and bones. She clung to Pride who apparently was bulletproof and kept screaming until there was no more noise. Silence settled in between the smokes from the bodies and the cries of the dead souls. Asma looked up to Pride whose jaw was tightly shut. His eyes were still a normal shade of blue but she could tell by his stiffen body that he didn't appreciate the interruption.

Ayasha was still observing the possessed goons she sent after her sister, hoping they would be too many for Pride to deal with or powerful enough to go past his defense and hit Asma with a bullet. The golden deity was nervous, Elpis couldn't break the reincarnation cycle, she couldn't be restored to this astral plane, she couldn't find Pride again. She clenched her fists and waited for destiny to be in her favor. In the room, however, Pride was pissed off. He knew this was no coincidence and that it could only be one of her siblings who was after them. He kept an arm around the human's shoulders and kept her close to his frame. One of the assassins grinned at him and started to talk.

« You shouldn't have come here, SIN. Leave this human alone and mind your own business. » It was Ayasha speaking through him.

« I am not to be ordered around. I found her and I will never leave her again » he warned, his eyes flashing a bright blue light. Asma was still shaking, still not sure of what was going on. Who was this man who seemed to know about Pride's true nature? Was it actually true? Was he a SIN?

The other 3 mercenaries opened fire at them, but the bullets bounced on Pride and on Asma since he shielded her with his power. She was still shaking and looked at her scattered body and then at the butchered bodies tore open by bullets that were laying on the floor. Ayasha realized that normal bullets would do nothing to the SIN and cursed under her breath as she realized she made a mistake. He knew the primeval gods would not let him reunite with his beloved and would do their best to kill her before Elpis could be free. He would not leave her sides, which would make the task to eliminate Asma even harder. Yet, there was always a weakness and Ayasha swore to herself that she would find the perfect moment to attack a defenseless Asma and kill her without being interrupted by Pride.

« it is beyond you Sin! It is a family business! » Said the mercenary as he cocked his head to the side.

« You /made/ me forget about her! » Pride started and Asma, who was looking up to him realized that he was losing his cool edges. His eyes were a brighter shade of blue and she realized that he was indeed, furious as he spoke to the man.

« You had to! You weren't meant to be! » Ayasha said coldly. It was the truth, they weren't meant to be. He was a SIN, a mortal enemy and he was a primeval goddess, the elder goddess of light and hope. How could they even be together? The thought made the golden deity feel nauseous.

« We were /meant/ to be!  She taught me that we didn't have to be what we were supposed to be. We could choose the life we wanted and I wanted HER! I WANT HER! You made me forget about her. Her laughter, her smiles, her scent. It was gone for millennia until this very day! » He glanced at the four mercenaries and with a quick hand gesture, broke the neck of three of them. Ayasha cursed again and hit against the fountain she was leaning against.

« You are delusional Sin. You were meant to destroy the gods. That is /your/ purpose and everyone knows that. You made her a traitor to her kind, a disgrace we had to dispose of. You made ME HATE my own BLOOD! You made Ishtar punish her into a never ending cycle of reincarnation! This is YOUR DOING! FILTHY CREATURE! Stay away from my sister! » Ayasha lost her composure and threw the mercenary at the SIN, hoping it would stop him but it didn't. Pride simply stopped the body mid-air and tilted his head to the side so the man could see his glowing blue eyes.

« She managed to restore my memory. She promised me that no matter where and when we will find each other again and she kept her promise. I found her and I will keep my very own to never leave her side anymore. You thought you could take her away from me and get away with it, but you won't. You will soon learn why I am called the worst of the seven sins. All of you. Very soon. » He then snapped the neck of the man who fell in front of a crying Asma.

It was madness! All of this wasn't true! It couldn't be true! Her hazel eyes were staring at him and then at the slaughter around them. Her palm cupped her mouth as she wanted to puke and tried her best not to. It couldn't have happened! It wasn't true! It wasn't real! She ran to the bathroom and started to puke and cry. Pride sighed and adjusted himself. He did lose a bit of control and it didn't please him at all. It was to be expected that her siblings would do everything they could to prevent them from being together. They succeeded once and for so long Pride was defeated without even being able to remember it. Now that Elpis gathered enough strength to manifest herself for a minute, he regained his memories of her and realized just how long they deprived him of her and how powerless they made him feel. It was an insult that had to be avenged. It was a loss they had to pay for. He realized that the human couldn't possibly stomach all she's witnessed, so he teleported into the restroom to find her there. Startled, she leaned against the sink.

« GET AWAY FROM ME! » She yelled, while she cleaned her mouth. « Get away, get away, get away.... »

« I won't. » He said as he walked towards her. She stiffened and walked towards the corner of the restroom. She didn't want him to come near her and didn't even know why. Was it because she was afraid of him? Was it because she was afraid of who she really was? The reincarnation of a primeval goddess? What did it imply? He told her that he needed Elpis to awake but what did that imply? But the worst thing for her was the deaths of so many innocent people only to get at her. Would it always be like that? Would she always be a threat for people around her?

« Don't move closer! » Asma said, outstretching her hand towards him as she didn't understand why it was happening to her. He didn't flinch and stayed where he was. « What the hell happened? »

« Your siblings felt your seal weakened. They felt you... I mean, Elpis energy signature and they saw me. They know I found her and they know I will do my very best to break the curse. She would be free and there with me. »

« What-what-what? But that doesn't explain why these people came and killed everybody. »

« They wanted to kill you. If you die right now, Elpis would be forced into another cycle of reincarnation. I will forget about her because the seal would be strong again. I can't take the risk to jeopardize my mission and lose her again. They won't kill you. »

« THEY WANT TO KILL ME? » Asma was hysterical, her tears didn't stop rolling onto her cheeks as she didn't understand why on Earth it had to be her. It was a lot to take in and she didn't think she could stomach the truth. Slowly, she dropped onto the floor and held fists of pink hair. It was unbelievable and yet the truth forced itself into her life. She was the reincarnation of a goddess, she was the target of vengeful gods who wanted to keep her under a curse. She found the love of her life but wasn't able to recognize him or even clearly remember him. « Jesus.... »

« He doesn't exist. »

« I can call him if I want to! You don't get to tell me what to believe in and what not to! »

« We need to be on the move Asma. Earlier was just an appetizer. I need to keep you safe right now. »

« Where would we go if they have eyes everywhere? » Asma asked, cleaning her tears as she didn't know what else to do. Pride was trying to think fast. She was a mortal and would never be able to stay or even lay a foot in his realm. It would kill her instantly so he couldn't bring her there. He wouldn't stand to be with humans for too long either and he didn't want to bother with a chase right now. So he crouched in front of this little fragile form and outstretched his hand.

« I know a place. You have to trust me Asma. »

« Do I have the choice? » She shakily said as she grabbed his hand. He teleported her to his private spot he shared with Elpis when she was still existing. It was a place on Earth unknown to men and gods and where the two of them could find each other and be free to be together. It was a beautiful wild place both enjoyed and he knew she would be safe here, if only temporarily. At least until he could find a decent plan to both be able to protect her and continue his duty as a SIN. As soon as they left the stench of death, Pride helped Asma safely stand on her own before he turned on his heels to watch their surroundings and checking if anyone or anything was around. Exception made for the wildlife they were alone. Asma sat on the old tree trunk Elpis used to sit at and she held fists of pink hair as she contemplated what was going on. She had several questions to ask the SIN but he was in too much of a hurry to pay attention to her.

« What should I do? »

« Wait for me here. I'll be back in a few with everything you need to sustain yourself and survive a cold night here. You'd have to sleep here tonight, I'll return shortly in the morning. »

« Wait! Are you going to abandon me here? ALONE ? I have nothing to.... You can't leave just like that! » She said, her eyes glowing briefly as she was panicked. He looked at her and really wanted not to care about her feelings, but she was the key element to the resurrection of his beloved and he couldn't jeopardize that.

« I have to. But I'll bring you everything you need to create You're a painter after all. So I suppose if I bring you your tools, you'd be able to spend some time without me here. » she nodded and wiped out a tear that threatened to roll down her cheek. « I'll be back soon. » He said as he vanished.

Asma looked around her, at the beautiful nature that surrounded her. Under different circumstances, she would have been mesmerized and thrilled to be here but she couldn't shake the traumatic images of people being killed by several bullets all in hopes that one would hit her. All these dead people because of her... She grabbed her shirt, where her heart should be and started to softly cry as it was the only response to such events she could come up with. He said he would be back, she would wait for him. She had to. She needed to.

(TBC)

COPG : When she knew the truth

Pride belongs to my friend Nate, Asma belongs to me and the whole plot is my idea!

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She lit a cigarette, one of many she would smoke on that day.

It was a nasty habit she successfully got rid of until he came into her life.

He stormed into it, wrecked it to the point that not so much was left behind.

Her life would end. It was plain and simple.

Her life would end so another one can exist. Another one that SHOULD exist.

It suddenly became clear, that there was a missing feeling all these years

One nobody could put their fingers on or even conceptualize: Hope.

There was a taste of fatality in this world, where everything was either written in stone, either not.

But always it had to happen when it had to happen. There was no Hope.

It suddenly became clear why: it was entrapped within her core.

To set it free, give back to mankind Hope, she would have to sacrifice herself.

It would have to come from deep within her, a selfless act, an act of love to break the seal.

Asma didn't know if she was ready to die, not so young, not when nothing was done.

She could hardly believe that it would be it and she would be no more. It couldn't be done.

But at the same time, her death would be noble, it would benefit everyone. It was bigger than her.

It was even worse!

She was scared but pretended she wasn't. She didn't feel like dying so soon when nothing happened.

She had always been alone in her private life, secretive, scared of the world and its pains.

She never got to live anything if it wasn't her passion and the people connected to it.

She painted, she sketched and she exhibited her work, but barely if not rarely engaged with others.

How could she die, when nobody was there at home? When nobody would mourn for her death?

It made her realize how little she lived and how little she actually mattered.

All of a sudden, her life was put into perspective and she realized she hadn't had enough of it.

Would she die so the entity inhabiting her would exist again? Yes, she would, eventually... maybe?

Would she die so the one before she would finally be able to hold his beloved in his arms? Maybe ?

She wasn't a bad soul, she would help him get what he wants, but maybe before she would enjoy life

Maybe before she would leave her print on Earth, make herself relevant.

How to tell that to a SIN? How to explain without him getting annoyed by her trivial needs?

How could she express her fears and disgust and sadness to someone who didn't care?

She didn't know and couldn't say, so she would smoke and contemplate her life and future.

She would sit and smoke and think of all the things she never got to do or dared to dream about

She would sit and smoke and maybe cry for all the lives she'd never have.

Or maybe she would tell him and they'd figure out a way to make it happen.

Or maybe she would tell him...

If only

If only......

it's okay to be sad

Personal piece I did back at the hospital. 

I was very frustrated that day and needed to vent as much as I could. she's just a random girl, feeling a random emotion that really did not want to come out. It worked though! 

Another day has come -Angst/depression/vent piece

And then we must rejoice for another day has come

Another day filled with the unshed tears of the day before

A powerful feeling of loneliness that no one can understand, not even me

Has washed upon me, forcefully tearing apart any last feeling of fulfillment

And I watch from afar others living the life I could have lived

If only I wasn't the person I ended up to be,

If only I wasn't the person I couldn't help but be

But then we must rejoice for another day has come

Adding up to the endless list of days that passed, happy or bitter ones

Tomorrow could be happier, tomorrow could be brighter

And the Lord must forgive me for I am not ready

I don't know how it feels when one is extremely happy

Bits and pieces here and there, that's what I allow myself to take

For I know, at last, how it feels when everything is gone and when I'm too late!